Some couples are based on a strange dynamic, where love isn’t necessarily the engine. I’ve met recently an old friend of mine I lost completely of my sight , and Geez, she isn’t the same person I used to know. Like the ugly ducklin which turned into a beautiful swan, she has become a “true” woman, overconfident, wearing stilettos, red lipstick, sexy clothes,… When we were teenagers, she used to dress badly and always stand in retreat from the others. I never imagined she could turn like that years later.
What triggers that change ? She has met the man of her life, she told me. But he wasn’t only the man of her life, he was also “her mentor”. “He gives me advice for everything I do. He likes to tell me how I should dress, if I need to lose weight or do some exercises. I find this extremely stimulating. He gives me the confidence I never had” she explained.
Some people cannot accept their partner the way they are and make everything possible to change them. Sometimes, it’s acceptable. “I want him to stop smoking” says I., 32. “He needs to lose weight. When I met him, he was really thin, and now, he just looks like a bibendum”complains S., 35. And we all change to the contact with each other. I discover a lot of things I didn’t know or haven’t made yet because of my man. And it’s mutual.
But sometimes, it goes a step further. “When we met each other, I liked him, but I was a bit embarrassed to take him in public. He was really intelligent, but dressed like a nerd and shopping for him was like paying a visit to the second circle of hell” H., 36, explained. “So, I started to dress him up, changed his non-existing haircut and his bad habits consisting in spending hours in front of his computer. He became more a social person, and now, I’m not embarrassed anymore of him in public”she added. I asked H. why she couldn’t let her man the way he is and why she picked him since she wasn’t fond of his personality. “He had potential, I knew it. Besides, I feel so proud I turn him into what he is now”she replied.
For some people, meeting a partner who wants you to change is a good thing. My friend told me she still feels she’s the same old her, but with “some improvements”.
But there’s the risk your partner starts to feel alienated.
Would you like if your partner pushes you to change? Would you like him/her to change and why ?
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July 9, 2007 at
I am a complete hypocrite because there are a bunch of things I would like to change about my husband, but if he so much as whispered that he wanted to change something about me, I would be out the door. That said, I am very subtle in encouraging changes to his appearance and whatnot. He would be very upset if he thought I was telling him what to do.
July 9, 2007 at
Haha, Vanessa, nobody likes to be criticized. It’s always easier to criticize and want the other to change, right ?
Subtility is an art really precious in this world, especially to handle men
July 10, 2007 at
Don’t we always talk “I like this about you and I don’t like this about you?” Forced change is what I don’t like. If there is sufficient love, change will come naturally. It is more than enough to encourage you to change to keep your partner happy and relationship harmonious.
Of course, some do need help and partner’s do come to rescue - be it blunt criticism, subtle feedback
Afterall, you should be able to trust your partner to an extent that he/she won’t do or say anything to hurt you intentionally.
July 10, 2007 at
Actually its totally depend on the couple….when there’s too much dependency and liking about each other then by nature you will love to listen to your better half. And that’s how the love express when you change because of him/her. You will always love to make him/her smile with your changing….and you always feel good when you change yourself. So actually its matter from person to person….few see the things according to me….others see in a different way…
wishes,
Samiha Esha
http://amazon707.wordpress.com
July 10, 2007 at
Shefali, of course, there’s always something you want to change in your partner. Nobody’s perfect. On the other hand, some women pick men with too many defaults, hoping to change them, and the change never comes.
Sameha Esha, you’re right. If you’re too independent, chances are you will never accept the fact your partner wants you to change.
July 10, 2007 at
It is crazy to keep on changing someone all through your life. When will you have fun? There are somethings you ought to accept about your partner and there are certain things about you that he should. There are always some ‘uncompromisable’ elements.
July 10, 2007 at
Shefali, there are uncompromisable elements indeed. If you want your partner to change completely, then what the hell are you doing with him?
July 11, 2007 at
Precisely