Shooting star

Short men have no chances to score with women. At least, if you believe this study. Yet, I’m not convinced at all, since I have plenty examples around me to prove the contrary. But it’s true that when you ask around you what kind of men women wants, you’ll get a vast majority of preference for tall guys. Why? Some women need to feel protected and to feel like “a little thing to be cuddled”. Of course, we’re not all like that. And one of my friends, who’s lesbian, finds this really stupid, since she doesn’t care at all about this aspect when she seeks for a partner.” I don’t need to feel protected, and I don’t know if I’m able to protect my partner”. I agree (partly) with her.

“Tous les goûts sont dans la nature“, like we say in French. Some women like tall men, some other like short ones. And I believe, when it comes to love, that the problem of height doesn’t matter at all. Look at the celebrities. The most obvious example of this is Tom Cruise.

If you don’t take into account his romance with Penelope Cruz, all the women he married so far were taller than him.

First, Nicole Kidman.

Then, with Katie Holmes.

And Mimi Rogers was also taller than him, if I remember well.

On the celibacy market however, you would probably have a better chance to score if you’re tall (for a man) and short (for a woman). Most of my single friends (and I) have admitted they would spontaneously go and flirt with a tall man rather than a short one. At least, a man taller that they are. And when your height is above 5’9″ for a woman, it gets trickier.

I read recently an interview of a French actress, not very popular, who was elected Miss Corsica when she was young. She said that despite of her beauty, she wasn’t asked out very often because of her height. “I learned that humor and repartee are the most precious weapons of seduction you can have” she said.

So, when Mother Nature didn’t give you any advantage in beauty, you have to compensate with your personality (or something else). In that sense, the actress mentioned above is truly right.

Besides, there’s tall and tall. There will always be someone shorter than you, likewise, there will always be someone taller than you. A short man for one woman isn’t short for another one. A tall woman for one man wouldn’t be tall for another one. It’s a question of perspective.

And when it comes to love, being tall or not has its advantages and its disadvantages. For example, if you’re short and he/she’s short, you won’t have neck problems if you kiss. Likewise, your mutual heights allow you to experiment or not certain positions when it comes to sex.

On this practical aspect , here’s the question of the day: What do you look for in a potential partner (physically speaking)?

All good things come to an end

 

Are all relationships ill-fated? No, of course. I have plenty examples around me that prove love can last forever. But can we still call that love? What is the definition of love anyway? That’s a tough question.

When I was little, I used to have pajamas parties in a friend’s house and her mother used to tell us that a relationship that starts on its wheels has no chance to last. And she must have known about this, because she divorced when my friend was 14. Yet, my friend wanted to have fairy tale relationships with her boyfriends, with many displays of affection and theatrical proofs of love. So far, her mother’s prediction turned out to be right. She has had several relationships that barely lasted three years (that’s her maximum) but each time, she had the time of her life with her then partner. She chooses carefully her lovers, and makes sure he’s an idealistic, a dreamer, with a sense of drama. She often tells me she doesn’t want to change and she doesn’t want a more down-to-earth partner. “I would be easily bored with that kind of partner” she said.

I don’t want her to change. But I wonder if she would ever settle down. “All my relationships have this in common: in the end, we realise the thrill is gone and that we’d better separate” she said. “Usually, it only lasts two to three years until the passion is gone, but I’ve had relationships where we split up after only six months” she added. I used to envy her a lot when we were younger, since my love life wasn’t as exciting as hers, and also, she had such a luck with the opposite sex. Luck? The feelings she had for her exes were mutual. All the time. She never got dumped because she wasn’t too much of this of not enough of that.

In fact, she’s scared of the routine we all fall into after years spent together. “I don’t want to be like most of couples who have no secret to each other, and just don’t care about their appearance anymore. I can’t stand  the habits we develop, I don’t want to end up like my parents”  she explained.

Relationships can be split in different periods. The first months are spent to discover each other, and are accompanied with many feelings like intrusive thinking, fear of rejection, disregards for anything else than your lover,… After that period, things tend to calm down and turn  (or not) into intertwined love, a deeper bond with your partner.  But that deeper bond, if you look at it, isn’t as thrilling as the limerence.  It doesn’t make you feel alive unlike this stage. Yet, I do appreciate it rather than the limerence, that gives me the impression I’m crazy.

My friend, on the other hand, only lives for that rush of blood in the head.

So, what do you prefer between a deeper bond and limerence/infatuation?

Under my umbrella

When you live in my country, you have to carry with you an umbrella or wear a good jacket because of the rain. It falls a lot throughout the year, to our great displeasure. But when it happens and you go out with a group of people, there will always be those who didn’t think about taking an umbrella with them, and you  will end up sharing yours. This is where things can turn sour.

Two weeks ago, before D. was fired, we went out for lunch and it was pouring rain. Carrying an umbrella isn’t typical for men, I’ve noticed, except in the business world where men want to keep their tuxedo clean. And of course, D. didn’t carry one. When we got out of the snack, we got served with heavy rain, and with the group of colleagues accompanying us, we decided to go two by two with the umbrellas we got. And I ended up sharing mine with D. But I refused, and asked for a switch with a female colleague. I didn’t take notice about D.’ s reaction, but I knew he was pissed. Since the beginning, he tried several times to break the distance between us, for example, he put his hand on my shoulder once while we were eating together. But I looked at him very coldly and he immediately took his hand off of me.

But you don’t break the distance with me easily. Liz wrote an interesting post about personal space, and it clearly explains where you should stay in function of your level of proximity with the others. Like Liz, I don’t like when people come into my personal space when they’re not invited. So, let’s go back to the umbrella problem. I consider sharing my umbrella as an act of proximity. Only people who are close to me can come under it with me. It’s like that. But I’m not difficult. By close, I mean people that I get along with, so that would make a lot of potential sharers of my umbrella. I’ve noticed that I accept the people I get along with in my personal space (not to be confused with my intimate space). I really tried to get along with D., but it wasn’t easy at all. I was never on the same frequency when we were talking together. He didn’t get my jokes, I didn’t understand his either. I even felt offended by some of his jokes, especially the bad ones he had on women and Jews (part of my family is jewish). Our conversations always revolved around him and his problems, I felt like I was totally invisible. As a result, he irritated me all the time.

But he was part of the group of colleagues I use to go to lunch with, so I had to be nice with him (getting in a heated argument with him in front of the others is something I can’t do). In the end, I was glad when I had a press conference during our lunchtime or meeting with my boss. It’s always difficult when you’re in a situation like this. If you decide suddenly to break the habit with your group, they will notice something wrong with you and ask about it. Admitting you don’t like someone everyone seems to like is admitting you’re difficult or antisocial, and it can lead to your exclusion of the group. Since we’re a small team in our newsroom, you can’t allow yourself to an exclusion like that.

And besides, yes, I had a little crush for him. I can’t explain that. We are so different. The incident with the umbrella was another proof for me things could never have gone further.

So, this leaves an important question: would you share your umbrella with someone you don’t like?

My goodies

Reality is sometimes harsh with you. You land a very handsome man/ drop dead gorgeous woman, and he/she sucks miserably in bed. So, this following question is really important : how could you know in advance if the person in front of you is a good shot? And that’s a tough question. So, I ask around me about this topic, and I got the following answers.

“I look at the way he dances. If he can’t dance, then he can’t bang. So far, this prediction has worked for me. I haven’t met the exception to this rule yet” B., 29.

“You can tell if he’s a good lover or not by the way he eats. And especially what he does with his mashed potatoes in his plate. If he makes a volcano with his mashed potatoes, then he’s childish and you couldn’t expect him to treat you like a real man in bed” T., 35.

“If he’s a good kisser, then it’s promising” P., 30.

” It’s in his attitude. If we have a dinner together, and he only talks about himself, then he won’t have much consideration for you in bed. And he’s the type to ask you afterwards: So, it was good?”O.,35.

“Too drunk, that’s a bad lover. I had once sex with a guy so drunk that he fell asleep during the act” K., 30.

“It’s difficult to determine. A man can be a good lover to one woman and a bad one to another. I believe in the compatibility of the bodies” T., 29.

“It depends on your personal tastes. You won’t necessarily like what he does to you, while another woman would” J.,29.

“I just follow my instinct” L.,32.
“If she’s picky with her food, then she would be hard to come”R., 35.

“If he eats like a pig, then he would lack of originality in bed”E., 37.

So, could you tell if a person is a good shot in advance or not?

NB: Why the sushi? Drunk american has got the answer

Sweet instigator

Some people need a trigger in their life to know their real potential. It’s true in your professional life, but it’s also the case in relationships. In a stupid show called Temptation island broadcast in my country, there was this couple that kept on fighting with each other via the cameras. He treated her as a slut while she said he had no respect for her. At the end of the adventure, they decided to split. The woman decided to start a relationship with one of her tempters, while her ex decided to live like a Casanova. He wasn’t like that before. Maybe the proximity (and promiscuity) with the numerous ladies on the island triggered this.

This is an example on how we could change. Some of us have experienced this situation where you just help the other to feel better, and where he/she left you once recovered for someone else. In other words, you served as his/her diving-board for happiness. “I’m a St-Bernard by nature. I can’t help myself to help the others. But sometimes, they don’t give it back to me, and this has mostly happened in my love life. One of my exes was a friend of mine who just went through a difficult period in his life. He lost his mother, and used me as a shoulder to cry on. Our relationship lasted two years, and when he overcome his pain, he just left me for another woman. I felt so betrayed at that time. I still haven’t forgiven him for that” I.,34, explains.

Helping your partner-who-will-seek-for-a-greener-grass-soon to gain back his/her confidence isn’t only reserved for the St-Bernard characters. Y., 34, told me that she didn’t do anything particular to help her partner feel better. “I knew that he was absolutely thrilled to have me, that he couldn’t imagine landing someone like me. Three months after we started dating, he left me for someone else, and became a Casanova. When I knew him at the beginning, he was this insecure guy who thought he hadn’t any chance with the opposite sex” she said. Same story for U., 32. “I was considered as the sexiest girl in my school, and dating me was a challenge. But I fell for this cute little guy, you know, the type who doesn’t know how handsome he is and just blushes when women look at him. After he had me, he just took conscience of his potential with women, and began to cruise”she said.

Then, there’s the sex. Do you remember this episode in Sex and The City where Charlotte goes out with a film critic that underwent surgery to cut some skin off his dick because she asked him to do so, then left her to test his new willie? This is an example. “When I met him, he was still a virgin. I teached him several tricks in bed, and he wanted to test those with someone else” P., 30, said.

So, do you think people who used other to feel better should be burned? Just asking

Men’s need

Spending your lunchtimes with your male colleagues can be quite instructive. For instance, when I was working as a banker, I had to spend my very short lunchtime with three colleagues that kept on talking about football (soccer for the US readers), from the Champion’s League to small regional divisions. I thought it was boring at that time, but now I’ve switched to an upper level in the financial world, I realise these little informations (I knew nothing about football then) are quite helpful when you have a business lunch with – again- exclusively men. Or when you’re invited by an investment bank to a game, in the VIP section. That doesn’t mean I’m into football now, though. I don’t watch any match on TV.

When I arrived in my newsroom, I found myself again going to lunch with mostly my male colleagues (it’s not my fault, I get along really well with men in general, less with women- and besides, female journalists are still a minority, except in the women magazines). The topics of our conversations vary (thank god) a lot more than in my previous job, but it all boils down actually to two subjects: football (again) and women. One of my former colleagues ( a true misogynist) used to say that women have only two subjects of conversation: their appearance and men. Well, I can send the compliment back to him. What’s amazing in men’s conversations is that they can’t avoid judging physically their female counterparts, but are unable to tell you directly what they think of you. An example? I went out with four male journalists once, and they kept on talking about the different (young) female journalists in the newsroom. And it went something like this: “Did you see how she was dressed this morning, she looked like a ho?”  or “Yeah, that one is really a true beauty, she’s definitely shagable” Of course, it depends on which colleagues you’re talking about. Some of my colleagues won’t talk exactly like that on their female counterparts. Some don’t care at all, while others just criticize their many physical defects.  And I always wonder if they act ten times worse when there’s no woman with them on the midday break. Probably, since I have the impression that my ears whistle during this particular period of the day when I attend a press conference.

What strikes me is that when I go and lunch with only female journalists, we never abord the question of our male counterparts. Well, not on a physical aspect, at least. I’ve never heard any of my female colleagues saying she would boink one of her male colleagues. And this topic doesn’t occupy 85% of our conversation time like for my male colleagues.  The subjects consist more on the family, travels, …

So, I’m curious, do you gossip like that on your colleagues?

You’ve got the love I need to see me through

Maureen Dowd, the famous columnist of the NY Times, said that a woman loses her seduction once you know who she’s sleeping with. I don’t agree with her. Have you ever heard of this theory consisting in choosing people less worthwhile than you to make you look better, sexier, smarter? In French, we call that a faire-valoir. Generally, it’s more a dynamic that works in friendship and in life. When I was a student, there was this girl I truly hated that systematically chose to pass after the worst students of our promotion during a face-to-face examination or picked the worst students for presenting a work so she could shine. Of course, this isn’t a bad tactic, because let’s be honest, I also wished at that time the person before me and after me during the examination would suck miserably. I also see some of my colleagues using this when they write their articles. How many times I’ve heard this:”Oh, I’m so glad this other journalist from another newspaper covered this subject, I know my article won’t be the worst” . I don’t do this, personally, I focus only on my work and don’t care about what the others would write about the same topic.

When it comes to love, I still wonder how you could choose someone inferior to you. But when you look around you, you will notice that it’s the case for some couples. Generally, it’s a male phenomenon. You all heard about the trophy wives and girlfriends some men pick. This is a good example of this dynamic. But at least, those women have their beauty as a value. Then, there’s the situation where the man picks a woman that would never put him in the shadow. An example? The CEO that marries his secretary. Of course, the secretary could look like Elle MacPherson or any other hot chick that makes a calendar with very few clothes on. But I have many examples where the guy’s secretary isn’t exactly what we could call a beauty queen.

Women won’t pick a man that would make them taller than they are. But I’ve met some couples where you could easily see who’s the boss, and it wasn’t the one that has the willie. There was this female CEO where the man practically did nothing in his life, but just stayed at home. When you ask her if he was inactive following a change in his company, she just tells you that no, he wasn’t, he had always lived like that. There was also this woman who was a brilliant lawyer that fell in love with a lost and found. Their common points? Nothing. Those two women told me they chose their man because they looked at them like no one else ever did. “You could see admiration in his eyes” one of them told me. So, this is it: they pick their man because of their ability to reflect a terrific image of themselves.

Some women also love to feel necessary in the eyes of their partner and entourage. That’s how they feel they exist in this world, that their life has a meaning.  Picking a partner that is inferior to them would help them to reach that goal. But not necessarily.  Some women end up mothering their partner even if he’s not a lost and found or useless.

Do you need love to see you through?

I’ve got you under my skin

In some european countries, there’s a huge debate again on abortion. Countries like France make it more and more difficult for women to abort because either the period where you could pretend to have such an intervention is short either more and more gyno simply refuse to do this, for ethical reasons or by religious choice. What a friend of mine, who’s an MD, told me about this phenomenon is quite astonishing. She said that it’s difficult for a gyno to see a woman coming in her/his office with such a request, because you cannot avoid judging her even if your profession urges you not to do so. She also explained that some women’s behaviour against birth control just makes her react. “I’ve seen some women who have already gone through abortion coming again in my office to ask me for another one. I have to tell them to be more careful with their contraceptive methods, but for some of them, you could already predict they will pay you a visit sooner or later again because they didn’t take too much precaution when having sex” she said.

Abortion is one consequence of not protecting yourself when you have sex (with a condom, of course), but not using that little piece of rubber has also other terrible aftermaths. Curing AIDS is now well developed, but you can’t heal from this disease yet. And there are also a lot of STDs around like hepatite, herpes,… I’m simply appalled to know there are so many contraceptive methods on the market, but not used as much as they should.

I’ll make a clear distinction here between birth control and avoiding STDs. The pill, patch, vaginal ring belong to the category of hormonal methods. It protects you from having a baby, but not against STDs. Cervical barriers don’t either. Condoms (male and female) do. You only use the first and second category when you know that your partner (and you) are HIV negative. When you meet for the first time in bed, condoms should always be in the party.

But when you ask people why they don’t follow these simple rules, it’s just appalling. “I just got caught up in the heat of the action. Asking him if he had a condom with him was like interrupting the moment” said a lucky lady who didn’t catch (yet) an STD. “I just forgot in the heat of the action” K.,30, said. “I always hesitate to ask him about that”L., 32, said. “I feel like a slut if I ask about that” P.,28, said.

And gentlemen, you’re also responsible. I’ll take my personal example for a change on this. Most of my exes ( I don’t have many, mind you) asked me if I took the pill the first time we got intimate. And I know I’m not the only one in that case. “He just felt relieved when I told him I took the pill” explained L.,31. “He got mad at me because I didn’t take the pill. But I had been for a long time single, and I didn’t need to take any contraceptive methods during this long period” O., 30, said.

It’s difficult to tell the guy you really like to put a condom on. But if he refuses, you shouldn’t yield to his pressure. But if you’re suicidal, or just live for danger, then go for it.

So, is a sexual partner refusing to use a protection like condoms a total turn off for you?

The voice within

 We all have a voice (or several voices) inside of us that tells us what (not) to do. It encourages us when we need it, it gives us advices when we’re stuck in a situation, and it can be very tough with us when we fail at doing things. This little voice should be followed all the time (well, maybe not in the failure), but for a  reason, we choose not to follow it. This is particularly true when it comes to love. How many times your little voice inside told you not to fall for that guy/woman, and still you fall in love for that guy/woman and end up broken hearted?

We do because emotions blur our consciousness. Some people manage to control their feelings, but at what price? If you never follow your heart, then your existence may be dull and sad (I think). But I might be wrong. On the other hand, if we could evacuate the irrational in our behaviour, this could save us from many pains in our life. However,  the sad experiences we have throughout our lifetime serve us as lessons for the future.

There’s also another thing that prevent us from listening to our inner voice: the inner battle inside our head can lead us to give up. “I knew I was heading in the wrong direction with him. Inside me, my inner voice urged me to stop any contact with him, but I couldn’t do that. With him, it was a one-way relationship. I was doing everything for him, while he wouldn’t lift a finger for me. Everything revolved around him, he was so egocentric. I never found the courage to leave him, although I knew I deserved much better. It’s just that I was tired of fighting all the time with myself, and I just gave up to my emotions. Of course, it ended badly. He left me for another woman, and I was devastated” P., 30, said.

But this will to give up makes us also do the right thing. “I was fighting all the time with him because he didn’t care much about me. After weeks and weeks of fights and insomnia because of this, I just listened to my inner voice that said I would be better off without him. I was too tired, and I just let my consciousness decide for me. It was a good decision” C., 38, said.

Do you listen to your inner voice and follow its advice? Or does your feelings has taken the best of you?

Cloudbusting

Are you sensitive to odors? I am. And I don’t particularly like when people abuse of perfume. It makes me sick. Recently, two of my colleagues have started a strange game that consists in putting as much perfume as you can. No kidding. Each time I meet them in the elevator, I have the impression I still smell their perfume, that it has contaminated my clothes and my hair.

Some people think that they will leave an unforgettable impression to the other by the way they smell. So they put as much perfume as they can. But when it comes to seduction, perfume plays a second role. “I love the natural scent of a man, just after we made love. It really turns me off when he puts too much perfume and deodorant”Y.,34, admits. “I have to admit that he has to choose a perfume and stick to it, because I remember each of my lovers by their smell. But it has to be a subtle perfume. If it’s too overwhelming, I must say that I will run away”U., 30, said.

Perfume (excess of it) can ruin your date, like body odors too. “We were supposed to meet in a bar, and when he arrived, I could smell him coming from miles away. He just abused of after shave, and it made me sick the whole evening. Luckily for me, I’m a smoker, and as our country forbid now smoking inside bars and restaurant, I could escape him for a cigarette a few times in the evening. But our date was a pure disaster. When I think about it, the guy was nice with me and charming, but I really couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying to me” A.,31, told me. “I don’t like when men put on too much perfume, I get really suspicious with them: do they have something to hide to smell like that? It’s a real turn off for me” I., 36, said.

But let’s be honest, it’s better to have a date that smells too much perfume than a date who really stinks. Bad breath, smelly feet, tenacious odors from the armpits are amid the lists of odors we wish we would never smell during a date (and after). Of course, if you have lost your sense of olfaction, this wouldn’t be a problem. But on the other hand, if your sense is too developed, this could be a nightmare.

There’s a rule that should be followed regarding perfume/aftershave: Less is more! (That’s my opinion)

So, does excess perfume make you run away?