What’s love got to do with it?

“When you don’t have the choice, you don’t have any problem choosing” always says my sis.

Recently, a friend of mine came to seek an advice on a dilemma she’s having right now. Her ex wants to come back into her life, while she just got involved with one of her mates, and she doesn’t know which one to choose. “I broke up with my ex because he wasn’t ready to commit while I wanted our relationship to take a step further, but now, he’s coming back telling me he made a mistake and that his girlfriend is nothing compared to me. He also told me he wants to commit now, and said that if we go back together, we will marry by the end of this year” she said. “On the other hand, I just got into a relationship with a guy I met through mutual friends, but I feel nothing for him. He’s nice, good-looking and everything, but I don’t feel my heart beat when I’m next to him. He calls me all the time, and I like to chat with him, but I never take the initiative to call him. And I’m afraid that I’m gonna miss him if he has enough of me. I don’t know which one to choose” she added. I asked her what her other friends thought about this, and she replied they urged her to stay away from her ex and stick to her new one. Maybe they’re right, since, personally, I think it’s never a good idea to rekindle an old romance, especially when your ex played with your feelings.

T., 34, encountered a situation almost like that many years ago. “I was dating a guy I thought I really loved, but then came G. And I immediately fell in love with him and started a relationship. G. knew about my other man, and my man eventually knew about G., but didn’t leave me. He just accepted it, to my surprise.  But three months after he found out about G., he told me he had enough of this situation. He gave me an ultimatum: either I chose him, or G., but they wouldn’t accept this menage à trois anymore” she said. “I didn’t know which one to choose, since I both loved them, but finally, after many thoughts, I chose my man, and we got married six months later. What pushed me to choose him instead of G.? Well, G. didn’t seem thrilled by committing in a relationship. As long as I was involved with another man, it was OK, but there were signs he wouldn’t commit: before me, he barely stayed with a woman for more than three months, and he was holding fiercely on his independence. I guessed we would have argued a lot. But the decision wasn’t that obvious at first, I had to weigh the pros and cons for each of them“ she added.

H. chose none of them. “D. didn’t treat me like I wanted, I had the impression I was always running after him. When T. came into my life, I thought I saw a ray of light, but I soon disillusioned. He was a loser, failing miserably at everything he did. So, I decided to get rid of both of them” she said.

Dealing with such a dilemma depends a lot on your feelings. If you’re lucid about what you feel for both of them, it is generally easier to take a decision. However, there are other factors that come in consideration too and lead you to be torn between your two pretenders. In the case of my friend, she has to choose between her heart (that beats for her ex) and her reason (that urges her to stick with her man). So, in the end, it all boils down to this question: following your heart, or your brain?