In the dating game, some of us find it really hard to keep a partner or even to catch one because we make it hard to let people getting closer to us. In Sex and the City, Miranda Hobbes personifies the best this example. I must admit I do recognize myself in her, because it’s not easy to get into my inner circle. But once people are in it, I feel very close to them. One of my friends also obeys to this logic, and she told me once that this is poisoning her love life. I understand her, because this also poisons my social life.
People who keep on pushing back the others do this because they’re afraid to be disappointed. Yet, this logic can be a real torture because this is how you can end up alone. Our past experiences weigh a lot in our fear of getting rejected (our reluctance to let the other getting closer is all about that, in fact). When you give your trust to someone, you expect him/her to give it back to you. It’s silly, it’s insecure, but most of us follow this principle. In theory, we should give love and expect nothing back. This is called altruism. But if you can do that, you’re a saint (or you’ve never been disappointed by people in your life).
When you were hurt in the past, you tend to be more cautious with your feelings. I had a really bad experience when I was in College, when two of my closest friends betrayed me when I needed them the most (I got dumped, another friend of mine died in a horrible car accident, and another one committed suicide), and since then, I’ve doubt about people’s genuine feelings about me all the time. I consider the ones who manage to pass through my difficult personality as real reliable friends, and so far, very few people have managed to do so.
By choosing this behavior, you can also have tremendous regret. I wish I wasn’t so distant with B., because now we don’t speak to each other, and this makes me really sad. On the other hand, I was never sure B. was genuinely kind with me. And I tell to myself that if there’s a wall between us, there must be a good explanation for that: B. can’t really be my friend.
So, are you easy to get close to? Or are you like me, difficult to approach?
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September 18, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I was gang-hugged by my sister-in-law and her bridal party. It wasn’t pleasant.
September 19, 2008 at 6:36 am
WIGSF, you don’t like when people break the physical distance, don’t you?
September 19, 2008 at 11:27 am
I’m not big on being touched.
September 19, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I just had a weep-fest this afternoon when a friend, who wants to be more than friends, essentially said I was too damaged to allow anyone close to me. Although that was an oversimplification for us, there are shades of the truth. I do not trust quickly. If someone feels something for me, I question it as having ulterior motives. I really don’t like to let people close, but then I crave them. It makes no sense.
September 22, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Cricket, I know exactly how you can feel. I don’t trust people easily like you.
September 24, 2008 at 8:53 pm
It depends on the person, and the context I guess.
September 28, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Hi lionest,
You’re right. Some people have the gift to pass through our defense. Thanks for stopping by.
November 27, 2008 at 11:47 pm
I’m completely easy, I give all that I am and show all my feelings to the people, but every time the people hurts me… maybe I’m too naive or dreamer and I trust easily in people (men and women)I always be there for them, but they never be there for me… sometimes I don’t know what to think, if I soooo good person or leave other play with my feelings… so? what am I?
December 1, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Dianis, just be yourself. You haven’t a repelling personality, so what’s the problem with that?
December 4, 2008 at 11:50 pm
no problem… I just think that I’m weak… or maybe I’ve problems about my self-esteem.. or is just scare to be alone… sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong.. ejejej sometimes I would like be tough with people and not show my feelings. One day, I had a boyfriend and he said to me: “that so good don’t give so much” hahaha
I’m just… me. hehehe…