An easy lover

Very recently, I was watching a stupid TV program where a famous French actress said she wished she had an older lover than she. She explained she was in a relationship with a guy of the same age than she, and that it would be easier with an older lover (an old dude, as she refers it)  “because there’s no need to seduce him“.

She had obviously drunk a little bit too much of champagne when she said that. Nevertheless, it’s curious how we can tell the truth in our drunken dialogues.

This makes me wonder: is it really easier with an older lover? I don’t think so. Physically, maybe. But it’s impossible to seduce all men only with our looks. If it’s the case, then, what kind of men? Certainly not someone who wants to build a long term relationship.

It depends if a woman only likes men who fancy her looks. I guess Pamela Anderson would fall into that category. But even Pamela Anderson doesn’t pick older dudes… And on the long run, these unions are not sustainable. Because as women get older, their capital of seduction quickly depletes. And they will be replaced by a younger version of them.

For the bonding part, this is even trickier. An older lover is simply older, and this implies his tastes, thoughts, … may be dramatically different than his lady love.  He had also a lot more experience about life, and this includes sometimes a heavy love life.

Somehow, some couples do manage to pass all those hurdles. And when you’re 45 and date a 65 year old man, this isn’t exactly the same as a 18 year old chick who dates a 40 year old man.

I guess when you’re really in love, you manage to go through all these obstacles.

But I really don’t think it’s easier with an older lover.

What do you think?

Leave

When love is gone in a couple, people choose to stay or not in the relationship for various reasons except love. It can be guilt, fear of loneliness, comfort, even pity, but not noble sentiments. But I do think this is not sustainable on the long term.

Staying in a loveless relationship is like lying to yourself. On the long run, lies are always unbearable and the truth is being told. This is a journalist who says this. So, there will be a time where one member of the couple will seek for the greener grass. Sometimes, this experience helps you realize you’ve lost yourself somewhere out there, and that you belong to your estranged partner.

But sometimes, it just gives you the courage to quit for good this relationship. Many couples form on the ruins of their previous relationship. I., 35, left her husband of 11 years to start a new life with another man. She got pregnant after one year and doesn’t regret her choice. She said she needed him to get out of her marriage which wasn’t working anymore. She thought about leaving it many times over the  last two years, but couldn’t find the courage to do it. Until J. came into her life.

For sure, this is the easy way out. But for your ex, many of my male friends say it’s the worst thing you can do to a man. They say it’s easier to handle the break up if there’s no third party involved. Yet, I’m not convinced.

Leaving on your own is not easy at all. Firstly, because you end up alone, and this can be terrifying. This is why some broken couples chose to still live together, until they could manage to rebound. This is also why friends chose to live together after a breakup. O. 36, and B. 41, chose to rent an apartment together after their mutual divorce. Not because they were lovers. They just needed each other’s company in that difficult period.  Some people also chose the option to go back to their parent’s home. But unless you have a great bond with your parents, the cohabitation can be difficult.

Secondly, the temptation to go back to your ex is really tempting in that moment. You feel guilty about leaving him, even if somewhere inside you, you know you made the right choice.  Plus,  living on your own has its advantages, but also its flaws. For example, who will give you a hand when you need it? But this is also a enlightening experience. It can teach you a lot about yourself. The problem is, when you’re fragile after a breakup, living on your own can be risky. Remember the opening of the book “Eat, pray, Love” where Elizabeth Gilbert explained she wanted to commit suicide with her kitchen knife.

So, maybe it’s easier to leave than to be left behind. But it’s not that easy.

As for my part, I can tell you that I feel no proud about leaving. Not at all.  I just hope he will forgive me.

So, is it easy to leave?

Come speak to me

What does it means, when a man is afraid to talk to you?

It could mean several things.

My ex was afraid to talk to me about important things and just ran away. This isn’t a good sign. He just feared my reactions. Not great at all.

Then, it can mean he’s undecided about you. In the beginning of a relationship, it can be normal. Men are not all bully, and thank God for that!  Maybe he’s afraid to talk to you because he can’t find his words when you’re near him. And that’s touching.

But then, there are some curious cases.

In my opinion, too much of hesitations is never a good sign.

What do you think?

Do you know what love means?

“The perfect resonance, that’s what love is all about”

Last night, I had again a strange conversation with B. where we discussed among other things about writing, catharsis, and love.  He said those few words just after we described Celine‘s love  life, in particular the love of his life, Elizabeth Craig, who left him because she feared she wouldn’t represent anything to him  if she grew old. B. said she didn’t understand what love is.

I don’t agree with B.

You can have the greatest bond ever with someone, but it is always fragile. Ellis, you would agree with me, in a world where there’s always someone smarter, brighter, more beautiful than you, you can never be sure you have the greatest bond ever with the one you love.  Besides, what is a perfect resonance? Is it how you reflect your lover’s image? That’s not love, that’s just pure narcissism.

As I said, love is accepting to lose. It is accepting to lay your destiny in the hands of your lover, and accepting the total randomness of this. It’s a risk, so this means you can lose a lot in this. But we accept it because it carries the promise of changing our life.

It doesn’t mean that you have to be totally subdued to the one you love. If you just agree with everything she/he says, this is the best way to kill your romance.

But for sure, if you believe love is about the greatest bond, this is quite a comforting view. Until a third party invites himself/herself in the way.

Nothing is rational about love.

I guess B. hasn’t experienced what true love is…

Good girl gone bad

Recently, on Facebook, we played a little game with my female friends. It was called: count your points. Basically, we had to add points each time we did something bad, like for example cheating on your other half, stealing, beating someone, sleeping with someone and not remember it the day after, sleeping with the same sex,… And I score 175 points. One of my friends had over 300 points at that game. And you know what, we’re proud of it. I regret that there weren’t additional bad points, like for example sleeping with a guy, and tell him the day after, after he admitted that he wanted you for years, that you were heart-broken and that you needed time to recover from it, only to date another man three days later … So, that makes me a sentimental delinquent.

This, I”m not proud of it. I was really confused at that time. It’s true that I was heart-broken, I was drunk that night, and the guy I dated three days later was the shoulder I could cry on. It was a long time ago. I also remember that we once spoke about this incident with a female group during a drunken night, and that I wasn’t the only bad girl. One girl admitted she did worse, by banging her man’s best friend on the balcony of their apartment, while her man was asleep on the couch. Another said she slept with her professor, married of course, just because she wanted to.

Why do we act like this? Well, sometimes, we”re just tired of listening to our good conscience, but sometimes, it just shows our own insecurities. Besides, if we were all perfect, it would be boring. We’re just human after all. And that’s a great thing.

So, is there anything wrong you’re proud of ?

A kind of so-so love

What is a so-so love? It’s a relationship that doesn’t give you what you want. How do we notice it? Simply by the look on you face. Usually, it’s your friends who will notice this first, but there are warning signals too.

It’s for example spending your life on the phone and on the internet with him, but never see him in front of you, hugging you,… In that case, if you want to make sure you’re not committing a mistake, try to stay away from internet and don’ t answer to your phone if it’s him. If he’s not reacting, then, he’s not worth it.

It’s the roller coaster of feelings, that will leave you badly damaged. One day, it’s on. One day, it’s off, until it’s over for good. A retirement in another country, town, far away from him, for a long period, can help you forget about him.

It’s a relationship where he disappears for good and you couldn’t reach him anymore. But then, one of your friends sees him in a bar in a very intense conversation with a woman. If you want, you can spill your drink on him. But it”s better if you tag him in a picture on Facebook, and comment about his little habits in bed…

It’s a relationship where he lies all of the time. And always finds good excuses to avoid keeping his promises. Normally, you will get bored quickly with him. But if you don’t, then, ask yourself why you need to believe in his lies.

It’s a relationship where he does nothing to make you stay with him, but you hang on to him because you don’t want to leave your comfort. Here, it’s easy. Go to a bar, and let you go loose with the opposite sex.

That’s easy said. And sometimes, we can meet a guy who gathers all these flaws. I know one.

So, what annoys you the most in a so-so relationship?

A little L

Recently, I had a strange conversation with one of my acquaintances about his former boss. I also knew him when he was working in that company, and at the end of his mandate, we all knew he had a mistress in the building.  My acquaintance thinks he was fired for that reason. Some companies don’t like when their employees get intimate. But he also thinks it was just an affair, nothing more serious.

I really doubt about this. The guy isn’t shy about showing his mistress around. If it was really an affair, their couple wouldn’t have made it to the light. Most of my friends and acquaintances who had an affair told me they were ashamed of it and hid it to their entourage. Either because they were committed in a relationship elsewhere, or because they didn’t think this would like very long.

Maybe I’m wrong and that they are actually having an affair. The romantic I am can’t imagine their legitimate partner just close their eyes on this. Perhaps they’re in an open marriage?

I will follow

Sacrifices in the name of love are the best proofs of love you can show. But if it’s a sacrifice, it’s often a really difficult choice you have to make.   It wouldn’t be a sacrifice otherwise.

Recently, I was reading an interview of Arielle Dombasle where she explained she accepted to follow her man in his new apartment and leave in a furniture keeper all the belonging she couldn’t take with her. She said she didn’t choose to move out of her comfy home, but as he requested it, she just obeyed to him.

I don’t know if this is a real sacrifice. It looks like it. Personally, if I was her, it would have broken my heart to leave my comfy home.

Leaving things you love behind can be considered as a sacrifice. If you refuse to do so, then, maybe you’re not that in love.

Two weeks ago, I was sitting in a hotel lounge, waiting for my interview to begin, where I caught two ladies chatting behind me. One was talking about her husband’s decision to move back in his parents’ s town, and was devastated by this because she spent almost ten years building and decorating their house. Her husband applied for a job in that town, but he didn’t expect to have a positive reply. She didn’t either, and was badly surprised by this news. When I left the hotel after my interview, I just thought that if she doesn’t follow him, their couple will be over within months.

Another kind of sacrifice would be accepting to do what the other wants you to do. But here, I’m not talking about household chores and cleaning the garbage. It’s more about something that requires a huge effort from you. For example, stop to smoke, eat vegetarian, change your religion, …

Love isn’t not that easy. But if it was, it wouldn’t be love, would it?

Message in a bottle

Very recently, one of my friends complained about her telephone bills. She had it for over 300 euros of communications just in a month. But she admitted she abused of text messaging. Last month, she sent over a thousand SMS, only to one of her contacts. The man she fancies. She told us she became addicted to those messages, and that her heart beats out every time the little ring of her cellphone indicates her she has a new one.  She met him at a party one week before this frenzy began. And she said it’s a great way to flirt with him and test him before taking their relationship to the next level.

“Why don’t you call him and why doesn’t he call you?” asked one of my friends. “It’s because on the phone, I don’t know what to say, especially since I don’t know him very well. But texting him is easy and effortless” she replied.

The truth is, texting is quite useful in our very busy agenda. I always text my contacts before calling them. It’s a good way to know if they’re busy or not. But I’m not convinced it’s a good way to flirt. Of course, it can tell you if he/she’s interested in you if he/she doesn’t reply. But with texting, you miss the whole picture of flirting. It’s difficult to show any emotion in a written message, no matter how you write it. Words can be hard to decipher sometimes. Blanks in a phone conversation or a face to face have a certain charm. Seeing the other’s face getting red, changing, and hearing him stuttering indicates you a lot more than just a text. And usually, it’s more difficult to lie when you’re face to face.

Yet, it’s great to receive a message from your lover during your busy day. It’s just a way to sustain your love, among other things.

But a relationship purely based on texting is a mistake. Like we say in French, “Il faut de tout pour faire un monde“.

So, do you text a lot?