More than love

“We loved each other. But we needed more than love to make it work“

This is what one of my friends recently admitted when she talked about her ex. She said that because she couldn’t understand why, among her friends, some would run back to their man even if they had a huge fight that led to a break up. We all replied to her that it was because of love. She disagreed. She says there’s a line we shouldn’t cross, even if we love each other. And that line is sometimes blurry.

Her ex and she stayed for five years together, and they were about to get married when she decided she didn’t want it anymore. She discovered he was seeing someone else too, and her rival thought she would end up married to him. One day, she left him, after months and months of fights, even if the wedding ceremony was still on. She told me she needed time to get her act back together, and that she was afraid of leaving him. That’s why she hesitated so much.

But I wonder: did they really love each other? She swore to God it was true love. But when they were together, she was often away because of her job, and he was flirting a lot with other women. Both were very young then. And I guess they just projected an image of an ideal couple they were both scared of.

I asked her if they had a mutual understanding of each other. And she replied that yes. “He knew I wanted my independence. I knew he wanted me to take care of him” she said.

To my ear, this isn’t exactly what we call a mutual understanding. When you really understand the one you love, you try to comply with his/her needs/ feelings. You would know by doing this or that, you can surprise him/her, comfort him/her, disappoint him/her, makes him/her angry,… And this got to be mutual. That sounds more like a  mutual understanding than just recognizing the other’s needs, and take no action after that.

But it takes some maturity to learn about all of this.

The razor edge

The best way to avoid temptation is to yield to it

Oscar Wilde

Recently, a comment left on one of my posts made me think: when we try to resist to our feelings because we know it’s bad for us, we suffer a lot.

But when we yield to these feelings, maybe it can open our eyes about our mistake.

Unfortunately, most of us follow this principle: the things we don’t have are more important than the things we have. It’s called confusing having and being, and can cause us to be very tormented for things that are not so important.

In love, we have a better chance to long for a love that is unfulfilled than for a love that brings us everything we want. So, I wonder: when we fall in love with someone already committed elsewhere, would it last once he/she leaves his/her significant other and asks you to marry  you?

And besides, love can fool us very badly. When we fall in love, we take the good side of our lover. But sooner or later, reality comes up, and you realize he/she’s not really the one you were looking for. Especially if the one we fell in love comes from a whole different world than yours.

Of course, I don’t say this is a general rule. But how many times have we been fooled by our feelings? It can happen we make a mistake. For women, this is even worse, because we tend to confuse our emotions. It’s not that easy to sort our feelings and determine if this relationship is pure limerence or pure love. Love is about caring and understanding the other. Passion is different and makes you blind. Temporarily.

So, have you ever disliked after some time the one you fell in love madly?

Committed

When Chelsea Clinton and Mark Mezvinsky got married this summer, it was said that they invited only people who knew personally either the bride or the groom. Among the personalities attending the wedding, only Ted Danson and Margaret Albright were counted, apart from Bill and Hillary. Still, there were 400 people attending. But as one of my friends say, they must have a big family. His wedding was also very crowded. Both his wife and he got large family, and without even counting their friends and co-workers, they reached over 300 guests.

Or maybe they have many many friends.

I was thinking about this event because a friend of mine attended recently a very posh wedding where most of the guests were celebrities. They were obviously invited by the groom’s parents, who know everyone in the who’s who guide of my country. When I asked my friend if he knew either the bride or the groom, he replied “not especially“. “I got invited because my parents work with his folks, and personally, I thought this wedding was more of a giant networking event than a wedding ceremony” he said.

The groom was only 24 year-old. This would explain that.

We don’t marry at 20 like we would marry at 30. Most of my friends who married at a young age told me they let decide a lot their parents in their guests list. “Back then, I only wanted to get married, but I had no clue about what I wanted for the wedding ceremony. And I also listened to my mom, who told me we should invite a lot of people they knew because it was like that, and they would be pissed if they weren’t invited. I remember telling to myself the D-Day: who the hell are those people?And there were way too many of them. If I could do this again, I would certainly limit the number of guests, and pick only my close friends and family” said F., who got married at 22.

“When I married for the first time, I don’t know why, I wanted a big ceremony, with a lot of people. I didn’t care who would be present at my wedding, as long as there were loads of people. Seeing those people coming for my wedding had something thrilling about it. I didn’t think about it that much. All I knew back then was that I was in love and I wanted the whole world to know about it. I was young. For my second marriage, I didn’t want that anymore. We just had a ceremony with my close friends and family. That was it. And it was much more meaningful to me” J., 36, said. She got married again last year.

“I got married at 32. And I went to a lot of wedding ceremonies I couldn’t stand. So, I only wanted something simple, with a few friends and family, in a nice place and nice atmosphere. This was what mattered the most. I had many problems in finding the place, the dress, the date, I can’t imagine how it would be if I had invited a lot of people” A., 35, said.

The first time you marry is also an important moment for your family. The second and other time you get married is on the other hand way less important. For some people, the first wedding isn’t even in their hands. Some told me they got married because they were told so. “We were dating since our first year in high school, and our parents thought it would be better if we would get married” L., 34, explained.

To be honest, I don’t know what it is to get married. I never got married. I only got proposed once, and returned the ring two days later. But if I ever get married, I know I wouldn’t want a big ceremony.

So, what would you want if you get married? And did you enjoy your wedding?