Why the ex is still in the picture

I’m still in contact with one of my ex’s. And that contact is sometimes rocky. When he left me two years ago, he insisted we remained friends, despite I was severely heart broken. I did cut all contacts with him for months before accepting to talk to him again. I had a lot to lose if I stopped talking to him, because I can’t really avoid him for my job. The only option for me would have been moving to another country and start all over again. But I couldn’t do that.

At that time, I had the opportunity to move to New York as my company was looking for a new candidate for their american coverage. But we were many candidates for that job, and I wasn’t picked.  It would have been an ideal exit for me. But that option faded away. I did try to move to London but all the doors were closed.

So, I stayed in my country. And of course, every time I met my ex in events, it was difficult for me. Especially when he came to the annual reception of my company with his new lover. Luckily, I had my friends and family who helped me thinking about something else. And I had a lot of professional successes during this time. So, everything wasn’t that bad.

One of my friends forced me to meet other men, to date other men. As as result, I had a lot of bad dates, and I’m a bit disgusted by blind dates and dating sites in general. Some men I knew  also tried to invite me for a drink, but I turned them down.

With time, I’m now able to look at other men and find some of them way sexier than my ex.

But this process of healing would have been much easier if my ex wasn’t in the picture anymore.

Like one of my friends says, the only reason why we should keep contact with our ex is our common children.

There’s no other good reason.

The shameful relationship

One of my friends recently admitted she was back with her ex, after all they went through together. She told me I was the only friend in her close circle to know that, because as she said, “I know my closer circle won’t approve my relationship with him“.

It’s been six months they’re back together now. I didn’t tell her I was disappointed she made that decision. We fought a lot together because of him in the past. I didn’t like the way he treats her and how she becomes when she’s with him. I still don’t like the way he treats her now. But last year, my opinion changed a little bit on him when she had to undergo a surgery. Although they were not yet back together, he rushed to her side at the hospital, and took care of her while she was recovering.

I’ve told her many times to stay away from him. Because he was never available for her. He left her for another woman, then came back to her, then left her again, … It’s been nine years now they have this on and off relationship.

Two years ago, she moved in his apartment. After three years spent living with her cousin and a friend of her, she found herself looking for a new rent but her next plan failed as her future roommate let her down at the last minute. So, her ex offered her to stay at his place temporarily. Back then, I was furious she made that choice, since she could have stayed at my place, at her cousin’s home, or anywhere else. I warned her she could get kicked out if he found someone else. But she didn’t listen to me, nor to any of her friends who were as worried as I was for her.

But unexpectedly, she managed to stay at his place.

There was a trade off during this time: she disappeared. She used to shop with me and our common friends, go to movies/parties together, get drunk together or just talked for hours at her place or mine. She became a no show. She kept on canceling our meetings, and whenever we saw each other, she was mean and aggressive.

Instead, she spent an increasing amount of time with her ex.

From time to time, though, she would speak to me about her problems with him. But every time, I would tell her to find another place to live. As a result, she took her distance with me even more.

Curiously, she admitted to me she was back with him. This time, I decided to back her choice.

 

The boyfriend material

One of my friends recently told me she was about to get hospitalized. She said her mom will come to her place to fetch her at the hospital when her surgery will be over. And added her mom offered her to stay at her place for a little while so she could take care of her.

I didn’t ask her why her boyfriend offered her the same treatment. It’s been eight months they’ve been  dating now, and they even went on holidays twice together. But here, he’s noticeably missing in the picture.

Another friend of mine, who underwent the same surgery two years ago, told me her man took good care of her after the hospital. Even though they have a difficult relationship, where they fight all of the time, he was there for her when she needed it. He came to fetch her at the hospital, and he cooked for her, washed her laundry, drove her to her parents when she needed it because she was too numb after the surgery for a while,…

My friend who’s about to get hospitalized has told me several times she doesn’t expect much from men in general. “My father wasn’t that affectionate with my mother. He never offered her flowers” she once said.

But what should we expect from our significant other?

I think we should know about what to expect from our significant other. If he’s never there when you need it, forgets all the time to wish you a happy birthday, and doesn’t respect you at all (for example, by criticizing all of your choices), then, it’s the sign he doesn’t care about you at all.

As for my friend, I just hope her boyfriend will show at her place despite her mother’s presence and stay by her side.

Forced to still live together

One of my friends, who got divorced four years ago, told me she found an agreement with her ex so she could move out of their house. She was fired from her job at the time, and had zero savings to start again on her own. She didn’t ask for help from her friends. She didn’t tell me at the time she was in such a difficult situation. I would have helped her if she asked.

But luckily for her, her ex-husband has inherited an old apartment from his grand mother, and offered to my friend to move there, while she could stay in their house with their two kids. She found a new job quickly after. And one year later, she could buy her ex’s part in the house, and has remained in it ever since.

Not everyone has that chance when we choose to separate from our ex-partner. Couples who don’t have children and who have each their own job and a little saving can start fresh with a new life. But it gets complicated when one member of the couple is financially dependent to the other one and has no place else to go. And it’s even more complicated when there are kids involved.

Of course, when we get married, we hope it will last forever and we don’t necessarily think about our capacity to bounce back if it’s over.

That’s why some divorced couples are forced to live together. And it’s difficult to live under the same roof than our ex. It doesn’t help us to move on at all.

L.,38, told me she was forced to share her apartment with her ex. She had no place else to go. And she was unemployed at the time. No one was willing to rent her an apartment. Her ex did start to date other women. And L. felt humiliated and jealous of course. She was depressed, and had a hard time to bounce back. It took her three years to get her life back together. In between, there were fights all of the time with her ex. How did she got out of this? Thanks to one of her ex’s one night stand. That woman was a social worker. And was horrified to run into L. the morning after. She asked L. who she was, and L. told her about her story. That woman offered her to come live with her for a while and did everything she could to find a job for L. Since then, L. has slowly recovered. And managed to find an apartment in the same block than the social worker, who became her friend.

I’ve read somewhere that for some couples, it’s difficult to live apart because they lose their social status. So, even couples with higher means can end up in such a difficult situation.

“My ex and I found it difficult to sell our house and start our life fresh again after all we went through together. We were really proud of our house, where we received a lot of people. We both knew this would end, and we didn’t see ourselves living with friends or back at our parents’s place. So, we found an agreement. We would still receive people in our house. But we would live in a separated area  where we didn’t cross each other during the day and night. It went on for five years like that, until he found someone else and asked me to find my own place” K. 45, said.

It’s never easy to leave. That’s why it’s important to be financially independent. If it’s possible.

Is Valentine’s day overrated?

This year, Valentine’s Day was really quiet in my country. Of course, flowers and chocolate shops did signal this day, as it’s probably, with Christmas, their biggest selling period of the year. But surprisingly, on social networks, Valentine’s Day was not that mentioned.

Among my Facebook friends, nobody published anything about their Valentine’s Day. The only one who did mention about it was a single friend of mine, who just wished to every of her friends who are in a relationship to have a great Valentine’s Day.

Another friend of mine, who just got divorced, posted also something on Facebook. But it was a rant against it.

To be honest, I felt also a little blue on that day. Valentine’s Day is synonym for me of high hopes and high disappointments in the end. I don’t know why, but  I always expect something extraordinary happening to me on that day. And of course, nothing really happens.

Two years ago, I even got humiliated on V-Day. My date at the time showed up late at the restaurant, and told me he was wondering where we were going.

But this year, it was different. I didn’t have any date to be disappointed on. Instead, a friend of mine invited me to a party she organized with her team for disadvantaged children. “They don’t really get the meaning of love” she said. “Because of their experiences. But we try to show them other ways” she added.  

My friend also told me she hates V-Day in general. “It’s just too commercialized” she said.

It is said that V-Day comes after a Saint named Valentin who was a priest tortured in the VIIe century because he married couples who were forbidden to do so during the war at the time.

There’s something really romantic in this story, but we’re really far from the box of chocolate and flowers our society try to sell us nowadays.

So I guess, for those who don’t have a Valentine, it’s best to give love, instead of waiting for it on that particular day.

Do you enjoy V-Day?

Men who have their way with women

In my newsroom, several male journalists have a really bad reputation with women. Yet, they still manage to score with some of my female coworkers.

At our last Christmas party, I noticed one of my womanizer coworkers following everywhere our new web designer. She was hired last year and since then, he has managed to get closer to her, by accompanying her to concerts and plays, with her group of coworkers. One of them admitted to me, during our Christmas party, she was sleeping with him. Despite the fact he was already in another relationship.

My male coworker isn’t handsome. And he smells trouble. He left my newsroom twelve years ago after he got busted by his ex-wife for cheating on her with the receptionist of our company. His ex came into a fury in our newsroom and threw away all of his belongings. He got fired from all the jobs he took after until my chief editor had pity on him and asked him to come back to our newsroom.

Since then, he has tried to hit with every new female journalist in my newsroom. He doesn’t try with the others, who know his habits. Except my chief editor. He’s always trying to sit next to her whenever we have our annual dinner. And when he’s drunk (most of the time), he tries to hit with her, much to her dismay. This is why she remains distant with him.

But for a reason I don’t understand, he managed to score with our new web designer. Who’s beautiful. And way younger than him.

Some men, who aren’t particularly rich, or handsome, do have their way with women. It’s just than they know what to say to make a woman react, or even what to do. Since we don’t know in advance we’re in front of a womanizer, it’s important to be extra careful with this kind of people. The only way to ensure he’s really into you is to make him wait before sleeping with him. And wait a lot of time. Not only, it’s the best way to know about his real intentions. But it also gives you the time to know him a little bit better, and to know essential things about him like his marital status, his habits,…

As for my web designer, I just hope she will come to her senses quickly. She deserves much more than him.

 

The kids equation

One of my friends, who’s a single mother of two adorable kids, recently broke off with her man, who also has three kids. She admitted she didn’t see herself with five kids in her house. That perspective didn’t please her that much. And she also feared she would always come after his kids. As he would always come after hers.

Dating someone who has children is complicated. You have to deal with the kids who won’t necessarily like you. And who will always come before your own interest in your significant other’s heart. Plus, except if the ex lives in another country or is not present anymore, you will have to deal with the ex in the picture too.

Some couples do get over those obstacles. One of my coworkers is married to a man who already has twins from a previous union. But she loves her step-daughters and is really happy every time they come to spend the week-end with their dad. I guess it really depends on how your significant other cares about you.

If he/she always put his/her children interests before you, there will be a time when you feel frustrated from this.

Some resolve this equation by having another child with their significant other. But this doesn’t necessarily help you, as your significant other can prefer his kids over his new one.

That’s why some women refuse to date a man who already has children. “I had too many relationships where I was always the one left behind. In some cases, I had a hard time getting along with their kids, who wanted to get their parents together. In some cases, even if the kids accepted me, I was always put behind them” C., 39, said.

Unfortunately, when you’re over 30, chances get thinner to get a significant other without any kid. Most of the people of my age are now mother or father.

So, if you had to choose, would you prefer someone with or without kids as your significant other?

Friends without benefits

The most read story on the New York Times Modern Love section right now is called “Friends without benefits“. It tells the story of a woman who becomes the good friend of a man but lusts secretly after him. Their friendship depletes as they begin to become more than friends, but their relationship ends because he never reciprocates the love she had for him.

I have a good friend of mine I wish he was more than friend to me too. But I never had the chance to tell him I loved him. And we have a complicated friendship now.

It started in high school. I didn’t notice him right away. It took us two years to get to know each other. We ended up sitting next to each other in fifth grade, because our head teacher decided to put her students randomly in the class, rather than letting them sit next to their friends. I wasn’t seduced by him right away. But he enjoyed my company and often invited me to come with his friends to the cinema, to bars and concerts.

My feelings for him grew over time. I only realized I was in love with him the day he introduced his girlfriend to his friends, including me. I hated her right away. Their relationship went belly up after a month, and he dated other girls. All my friends told me to tell him how I felt. But I didn’t have the courage to do so.

I ended up dating his best friend, and our road separated when high school was over. He went to study in a different town than I. Two months later, his best friend left me, and I left the group of friends we had in common because I couldn’t stomach seeing my ex again.

I failed my first year in College, and decided to change my studies. I had to move to a town where I knew nobody for that. None of his group of friends tried to stay in touch with me.

Years passed, and I had no news from him. Until 2008, when I decided to register to Facebook. He found me and left me a message. He said he was separated, living in London, and asked if we could see each other again. But I wasn’t single at the time, and I told him right away about it. Three months after, I went to London, and he came to pick me at the place where I had my interview. He hasn’t changed much since High School, apart from his hair which are gone now. While we were having lunch, he said I was the only one he still had contact with from High School. But he told me he got back with his girlfriend. He met her while he was studying architecture in Milan, and she followed him when he decided to move to London.

Every time I went to London, I went to have lunch with him. Until one day, where he said he was only available for the evening. So, we went to have dinner, and we ended in a bar, where we didn’t drink (he was trying to stop drinking). He asked if he could enter with me to my hotel. But even if I was single at the time, I knew he was in a relationship, so I kissed him goodbye and got back to my room alone. He stopped contacting me after that.

Six months later, I saw his picture with a baby on Facebook. I called him to congratulate him, but he never replied. He eventually reacted six months later. He introduced me to his son, and told him to behave well otherwise I won’t come back and see them, while looking at me with a big smile. But his little boy was running everywhere and interrupted many times our conversation. When I left, he said nothing. And now, I’m the one who don’t want to contact him.

The place next to him in society

To accompany your significant other to the party organized by his firm every year has something daunting, especially if it’s a big company where you barely know anyone.

With my ex, every year, I had to accompany him to the Christmas Party his firm organized. And I didn’t enjoy that much those evenings. But luckily, his firm was kind enough to invite a comedian during those nights to entertain us.

Usually, we used to sit at the same table than my ex’s favorite coworkers. But they mostly talked about their job, while their wives were patiently waiting next to them, with not much of conversation. Obviously, they were as happy as I was to be there…

A friend of mine also loathes her man’s New Year work party. “I don’t like his coworkers’wives. None of them is kind. But luckily, my man sticks by my side during those evenings. He doesn’t particularly enjoy his coworkers’ company  either. So we’re equal. Besides, he prefers going to my new year work party. One of my coworkers shares with him the same passion for golf. So, they spend the night talking about their tournaments”  she said.

Another friend of mine told me her experience too in this kind of situation. “My husband spends the night away from me, chatting with everyone. Usually, I sit alone at the table, looking at the other wives present. And from time to time, we chat about our kids, our house, our holidays or the last movie we saw, but I don’t really like them” she admitted.

But what if your significant other likes to show off during those nights?

“My ex was such an asshole during those parties. He wanted me to be at my best, criticizing every of my choice when it came to the dress I would wear or the make-up and hair. He wanted me to drink modestly.  He also told me to be particularly friendly with his boss’s wife, and to avoid speaking to his rival in the company who competed for the same post than he was. And during the night, while I was patiently listening to his boss’s wife problem because she knew I was a psychologist, I was watching my ex flirting with his female coworkers. Usually, at the end of the night, we used to have a huge argument in the car about his behaviors” one of my friends said.

Or worse?

“He had a very attractive coworker he stuck like glue during those nights. I watched them laughing, whispering into each other’s ear, talking about their various experiences at work. It was as if I didn’t exist.” one of my friends once told me.

And there are special cases.

“My ex was famous. Every time he was invited to a cocktail party, people would flock around him, and I was left on my own”, H.,34, said.

So, how do you cope in those Christmas/ New Year Parties?

The break up before Christmas

According to David MacCandless, a data journalist from the Daily Mail, couples are most likely to break up 2 weeks before Christmas. This is based on an analysis of 10.000 Facebook status updates.

Of course, one might wonder why the period around Christmas is concentrating so many break up. This is also the case for Spring break. But as MacCandless joked in his TED speech, this is a clearing period in the year.

For Christmas, there’s no rational explanation. At this time of the year, people suffer a lot from the lack of lights and are a bit depressed. This may influence a lot our choice, but it’s not the sole factor of break up.

Among my friends, I realized the period around Christmas raises a lot of questions. The main questions people ask around here is where they are going to spend Christmas, and how. A friend of mine told me this year, she won’t make a visit to her father and her mother. She has been loathing this issue for the last two months now. But she only took her decision now.

So, if you have broken up around this period of the year, feel free to explain why below.