When I was in highschool, one of my classmates was often picked up after school by his dad. His father was an undertaker, and used to fetch his son with his hearse. Of course, everyone at school made fun of him because of that. And I thought it was such a humiliation for him, because he had no choice and it wasn’t his fault at all. Life can be cruel.

In love too, we can endure some painful humiliations. If we believe Ian Harpeling, the journalist who wrote the controversial book about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston had it too. She had two miscarriages, and was left for Angelina Jolie who not only gave birth to three children, but also spread false rumors about her, saying Brad left her because she didn’t want kids. Plus, I can only imagine how painful it must be for her to see her ex parading with his children in magazines. And God knows how many pictures of them there are today. Like my former classmate, I can only think that it wasn’t Jennifer’s fault, and that she had no choice.

Humiliation is horrible. It takes years to forget about it, and sometimes, we also need professional help to get over it. I know my former classmate had to see a therapist. He had zero confidence in himself when he was young, because of his father.

I met once a woman who told me her worst humiliation was her wedding. The D-Day, she was walking down the aisle, but she didn’t see her future husband waiting for her. Everyone was looking for him, but he just vanished. She stayed in front of everyone for a moment, seeing all of the sorry eyes pointing at her, and couldn’t help crying. Her ex didn’t even bother to call her the days after. But she knew he wasn’t dead. One of her friends saw him hanging around with his mates three days later in a bar. She told me the worst thing was he completely ignored her, denying her any form of respect. “I felt like a piece of trash you just get rid of. Nothing is more humiliating. I would have accepted he told me he couldn’t marry me, rather than letting me down like that” she said.  She told me she had a hard time trusting people after this, but also felt she wasn’t worth it at all. This completely ruined her self-esteem. It took her years to get over it.

A break up is a painful experience in itself. If you add to that humiliation, it can really destroy you. Usually, years later, whenever you endure a painful experience, you can live again your past humiliation. When you feel fingers pointing at you, it’s just a reminder of a situation you’ve already experienced. The only way to get out of this cycle is to recognize your problem, hear the voice inside of you that tells you everything’s gonna be all right, and forgive. It’s the only way to move on. It can be difficult doing this on your own. Remember friends, family, therapists, are all there to help you, if you ask for their help.

So, what do you consider as humiliation?

Every girl wants to marry her daddy when she’s little. It’s called the Oedipus syndrome. Passed a certain age (8), no little girl wants to do so. Because a) they have understood they could never have him b) boys are much more interesting.  Yet, years later, some of us get hooked with a guy who’s by pure coincidence our father’s replica. For example, one of my friends married an MD, and her dad was an MD. But she swears the comparison with her dad ends there. “They have opposite characters. It’s like day and night” she said.

According to psychiatrists, we always pick our partner according to our father, in a positive, or negative way. In my friend’s case, her husband is just the opposite charachter of her father, in other words, the negative image of her father.

I met once a woman who told me she realized she was repeating the same mistake than her mother with her father. “He was constantly bringing her down, criticizing everything she does in front of me. But he always told her how much he loved her. I swore I wouldn’t pick a partner like my father, but I fell in love with a guy who treated me the same way my father treated my mother. I didn’t realize it at first. I was so in love. But slowly, as passion faded, I could see he wasn’t different at all from my father” K., 34, said. She left him, and has tried ever since to react each time one of her loves shows to her little respect.

By searching our father through another man, we also take the risk to make this relationship unbearable for the one we pick. Psychologically, it’s hard to tell yourself you’re in competition with someone else. Someone you will never be. But some couples work on this principle. There are couple where the guy looks for his mother in every partner he chooses, and where the woman looks for her father in every man she chooses. It’s a comforting situation. But yet, I don’t know if it’s sustainable.

A friend told me that she doesn’t agree. She said people can adapt quickly to every role they’ve been asked. After all, she said, in this society, we keep on fulfilling the roles this society asks for. She doesn’t think we act differently with the one we love.

Yet, there’s a line between playing a role, and pretending to be someone else. It’s called lying.

Besides, we can fall in love with someone who share  the same  principal qualities we find in our father. “My father was someone who had strong principles, who had a huge heart and very giving. This is what I look in a man. I don’t see why it would be a problem”L.,40, said. “I fell in love with P. because I know I can count on him in every situation, just like I can count on my dad, who was always there for me  when I needed him. P. just took his role. Just like my dad, he takes a good care of his kids. He’s the rock of our couple, just like my dad was in my family. I know that when I have a problem, I can always share it with him, and he would help me to find the solution, just like my dad”M.,46, said.

And we, women, we have also the same tendencies to react exactly like our mother would do. How many times  haven’t I  heard my female friends saying they sounded exactly like their mom, especially when it comes to bring up their children? Maybe we validate our choice of partners because our mother would have picked them too.

So, do you look for your father/mother in your relationship(s)?

When I was in College, one of my roommates dated a count who basically gave her everything she wanted, and even things she didn’t wish at first. She met him by accident. He left his wallet at the bar next to where she was sitting. And she ran after him in the street to give it back to him. He invited her to dinner to thank her, and  they started dating shortly after. From the beginning, he was very generous with her. The day he was picking her for the restaurant, he bought her red roses. On the third date they spent together, he offered her a bracelet. On the fifth, a necklace. Coordinated with her bracelet. And he wanted to introduce her to his parents very quickly. But my roommate called it quits. She became scared a little bit of all of those attentions. “It was way too much for me. I felt I didn’t fit in his world, because I don’t come from the same caste than him. And I didn’t feel anything for him. I didn’t love him as he wanted” she said.

Back then, my other roommates were appalled with her decision. They told her they would have swapped her place anytime and that she was an idiot to let such a charming guy go like she did. But her answer was a bit surprising. “I saw my mother dying of boredom in her marriage to my father who gave her everything she wanted. His fortune didn’t stop her to ask for a divorce. She said that wealth is a great thing, but if you feel imprisonated in your relationship by it, it’s not worth it. And I don’t want to repeat the mistake my mother made” she said. She also added that she didn’t need a man to make her fortune, she could make it on her own.

I remember asking her what she wanted from a man, and she replied that she only wants him to “give her butterflies in her stomach“. “It doesn’t take a lot of money to do so“  she added. When we finished College, she moved in with her man, a photographer, who didn’t earn a lot of money, but gave her plenty of butterflies in her stomach. I haven’t heard about her ever since.

Years later, when I was a banker, I could see that there’s no universal rule for love. Some of my clients were ruined by a husband who left them nothing but debts, because they were too in love to think about a prenup when they married. Some of my clients left their husband because they had enough. Some of them cheated on him.

So, I believe that butterflies in your stomach is a good thing, but some cautions are also worth once in a while.

]]> http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/money-for-nothing/feed/ 1 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/show-me-what-im-looking-for/ http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/show-me-what-im-looking-for/#comments Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:55:50 +0000 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/?p=1159 ]]>

Love happens in the most peculiar situation. But the common ground for every love story lays on our emotionnal ebbs at that time.

Recently, one of my friends announced to us she was getting married. She met her husband three years ago while she got fired, and for his part, he was involved in a lawsuit with a woman he almost killed with his car. Both of them were at very low emotionnal ebbs at that time, and ran into each other in a cafe. She told me she looked like shit when she met him, but he wasn’t that glorious either. “I just looked at him, standing miserably in front of me. And I don’t know why, but his eyes had something captivating and his voice was very soothing. The way he looked at me was so comforting. He explained he was sorry for his poor company and told me his story. I told him mine, and at the end of the conversation, we knew we couldn’t get separated. Meeting him was the best thing I could have in my life. He enlightened my life. And so did I”she explained. The next day, he called her and asked her if he could come at her place. When he arrived, he asked her to come down from her apartment, and told her he wanted to sweep her away. He had booked two tickets and a hotel in Prague. She followed him. (sigh).

Another friend of mine met her man while she was struggling with her motivation at work. For his part, he just arrived in his company, where he didn’t feel very welcomed. They met at a seminar, where both of them were speakers. She told me they both sucked miserably at their presentation. At the end of the speech, they looked at each other and laughed. They went out for a drink and told each other their unfortunate experiences at work. And couldn’t stop talking and laughing. He offered her to come to Paris with him for a week-end. And they fell in love madly.

This doesn’t work all of the time, though. We all look for love, but for some reasons (marital, sometimes…) the one we fall in love with is unable to love us back. And this is how we can have our heart broken. I know how difficult it is not to get fooled by your feelings. When we’re in love, we tend to look for every mark of attention from our significant other. And we count, we count, we count until those never materialize. Or materialize, but our significant other is too coward to stand his feelings. This is how we can start a one-sided relationship.

And this is how there can be an ocean separating you from the one you love, and you still miss him like if there was nothing else on this planet but him…

If you want to share your bad or great experience with love, leave it here in the comments.

 One of my acquaintances had the unpleasant experience to see his wife going away with a guy she met on a dating site. Yep. He was spending his evening playing online games with his mates, while his wife was busy chatting on the other computer of their house. He didn’t seem worried at all when she announced she had found a humorist on M…, a famous dating site. Three months later, she moved out to live with her humorist (a very famous one in my country, BTW), to the  stupefaction of her husband.

Modern technology makes it much more easier to find a lover, but if we don’t watch out, it can serve as a good spy for your legitimate partner. In the case of my acquaintance, he could have easily watch his wife if he wanted to. But he  didn’t. T., 43, did try to spy on his wife. He registered on the same dating site than her, and managed to catch her. “I used a pseudo, and quickly identified her on that site. It took me no difficulty to get a date with her. During all of the time I waited for her at the restaurant, I wished she wouldn’t pass the door. But she arrived” he said. They’re now divorcing.

U., 39, was betrayed by his blackberry. “My ex-wife intercepted one of my messages while I was in the shower. The SMS was very explicit” he said. It will cost him a lot of spousal support…

Facebook can also betray you. “My ex was one of my friends on FB, but so were my mates. I cheated on her in a party while I was drunk and it quickly got hot between the girl and I. But I didn’t remember anything. Luckily for me, my friends took a lot of pictures of this moment, and has the courtesy to put those on FB and of course, tagged me. So, my ex could see everything”I., 35, said.”The girl I slept with just wrote something on my wall. It was very explicit. Everyone could see it, including my wife”B., 37, said.

Damn technology! But hey, it’s so great receiving hot SMS, coming from your lover. But those little secrets should remain between lovers.

So, do you carefully select what you put on FB, leave on your smartphone, …?

I bumped very recently into D., my former coworker who used to drive me mad. It’s been almost two years now he has left our company. Since then, I discovered he was gay (thanks to Facebook) and I also understood that D. was a bit lost in his life, although he didn’t want any pity.

The key characteristic with him is that he’s very uncomfortable with the opposite sex. The two women who tried to hit on him told me they noticed that too. D. only talked about women in derogatory terms. During our numerous lunches, he spent his time bashing  my female colleagues, and famous female politicians/ first ladies. When I wasn’t with the group, I was also treated the same way. I just realized he didn’t understand women at all. And when you don’t understand something, you have two options: either you try, or you criticize. D. chose the second option. A very mature one

D. hasn’t changed at all in two years. He’s still very wary about women. Maybe one day, he will publish books about women, like H. de Montherlant did before. Except that I doubt he wouldn’t infuriate all women on this planet, unlike de Montherlant.

When I discovered that D. is gay, I was a bit puzzled about this detail. One of my best friends is gay, and he has never treated me with disrespect or wariness. But I felt the need to ask him what he thought about women. My friend was brought up by his mother and his aunt. His father left the house when he was three. He never heard of him afterward. He told me that just for this reason, he could never disrespect women. But he’s attracted to men. Period. He thinks D.’s behavior has nothing to do with his homosexuality. “It’s fear” he said. “You know it’s not rational at all, but we all have fears. And we act accordingly to these” he added. “Plus, it’s easy to bash a community or someone because your  group is doing the same. I bet he belongs to those groups who hate women”.

My friend may be right. But D. helped me to find a lot of inspiration for this blog. Go figure out why.

So,  what do you fear the most in the opposite sex?

]]> http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/the-man-who-didnt-love-women/feed/ 4 modobs Ines de Castro http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/further-down-the-spiral/ http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/further-down-the-spiral/#comments Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:58:52 +0000 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/?p=1157 ]]>

I was reading this morning a synopsis of Open, the controverted autobiography of Andre Agassi. When he was married to Brooke Shield, his career tanked as much as her career stood still. Their career (and their life) took off again when they separated. It’s incredible how a bad relationship can completely ruin your professional, but also private life when you pick the wrong partner. And it’s also curious that this downward spiral attracts both partners in the doomed couple. One of my friends experienced this with her ex-husband. When they were married, they couldn’t help arguing all the time. As a result, she became very dark and antisocial. She didn’t want to go out, and him neither. She was constantly angry and fed up, she lost completely any motivation for work, but also for her friends. She wasn’t kind with us during her marriage. And apparently, her husband was also a pain in the ass with his mates. When they divorced, she realised how much she had lost herself in that relationship, and she slowly started to get back to her life. She became more friendly. She left her job to start a new one and she’s very at it right now. For her ex, he’s been also climbing the slope. Divorcing was probably the best decision they could take together. Curiously, they even managed to become friends. And they don’t yell at each other like when they were married.

Another friend of mine, who’s a photographer, experienced the same destroying relationship. Her career went down when she was dating her ex. She got refused from many exhibitions, because her work wasn’t satisfying enough. Her ex, a comedian, did nothing good when he was with her too. She was sad, moody, and unmotivated all of the time. He was also the shadow of himself. I don’t know if the perspective of losing her job came into a warning signal for her, but she decided to call it quits with him and jumped back into her career. She’s now back on track. And her ex has landed many roles in theaters, he’s becoming successful.

I do believe there are people who are good to us, who raise us up, and people who are bad to us. A good sign of that is if you smile or not when you’re in a relationship. A friend of mine  says that if you are always frowning on your pictures when you’re with your significant other, then it’s a sign your relationship isn’t doing you any good. Maybe she’s right. A relationship isn’t a temple where you argue all of the time, or spend your time crying, ruminating your feeling, … A good relationship helps you to grow up, to blossom. Besides, love makes life much more enjoyable, at least it should. If not, maybe this isn’t love. It’s something else.

So, do you smile a lot when you’re in love?

At the beginning of the novel “Journey to the end of the night“, the author, Celine, dedicated it to Elizabeth Craig. She was the love of his life, but she left him abruptly to move to the United States to marry another man. The reason behind her decision was she feared that if she lost her beauty with age, she would end up meaning nothing to him. She was 31 when she disappeared.

This happened in the previous century, where men and women weren’t consider as equal at all. Yet, nowadays, this situation still exist.

Her fear might be legitimate. Love is such an irrational feeling, but also so fragile, that it is impossible to swear you will remain with your lover until death do you parts. But that’s the risk associated with falling in love, and when we fall in love, we accept it. We all fear our lover would go away. If it wasn’t the case, this would simply mean we don’t love him. But for some people, this fear overcomes the rest, and lead to strange behaviors. Some women imagine that if they get fat, their lover wouldn’t love them as they are now. So they try their possible not to eat too much. And end up eating just two grapes a day. Yep. Some others multiply surgeries only to stay young, even if the result doesn’t look so great. Look at Nicole Kidman. Botox has granted her a severe look, and she looks not human at all. That’s my opinion.

If we want to take that logic far, looks isn’ t the only thing that kills the romance. Beauty will fade away, and the mystery you have can also disappear because it’s just unsustainable on the long term. The process of maturity of love is there to take away all this drama, but some of us don’t accept this transition.

I’ve asked around me what people would do if they feared their lover’s desire is wasting away, and this is their reply.

“Nothing. If he wants to go away, then I won’t stop him. I don’t want to be pathetic trying to win back his love” P., 34, said.

“Why would he lose his desire? “asked I., 35.

“I would kill him. No, seriously, I do try to watch myself and not letting myself go. That’s enough, I think” O.,40, said.

“If he’s worth it, I will try my best to retain him. But I guess that if he isn’t satisfied with me, then he’s not worth it“ M., 36, said.

Our lover doesn’t belong to us. And besides, love wouldn’t so exciting if there wasn’t that part of risk associated to it, isn’t it?

So, would you leave if you know you will lose his/her love?

]]> http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/come-as-you-are/feed/ 0 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/the-catcher-in-the-rye/ http://modobs.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/the-catcher-in-the-rye/#comments Sat, 07 Nov 2009 21:12:19 +0000 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/?p=1150 ]]>

“Books are precious. We only lend these to the ones we trust” always says one of my friends. We have often discussed about this strange topic with her because it implies a lot of other consequences. For example, I don’t like to recommend a book I like to anyone, and it’s very oddly. I only give this details to the people I trust, the people I consider as my friends. Why? I fear these books won’t be read like it should be or be misunderstood by the one who reads it. For example, there’s a book I really, really love because it means a lot to me and offers me a lens in which I can see the world, but the book and the author are a bit controverted. I fear, and I know it’s stupid, people would make a strange association with the book and my personality.

When you think about it, the books we read say a lot about our personality. If we pick only the best sellers, or the latest “it” writer, it says that we like to follow the mass. Books about self-improvement say we want a new direction in our life. Chick lit is there to empty our head. Sci-Fi is a way to escape from reality,…

Recently, one of my friends gave me a book he really likes. It came as a joke between us. I told him he always picks tortured authors who have a very depressing vision on life. For instance, they all write around one theme: the absurd and ugliness of existence. And he replied I should read that book, but I should keep that for myself. When he mentioned the title, I was a little bit shocked. Simply because when I was in high school, our teacher referred to that book as one of the most controversial, but also beautifully written book. My friend told me he wasn’t interested in the controversy surrounding the book, but simply the writings. He said it was his source of inspiration. Period.

But I like to be shocked, to be honest.

So, is there a book you would recommend?

In every relationship, tensions can raise just like that because we don’t fulfill our partner’s need. To avoid such a situation, we should make a clear demand from the start and not suggest anything. But that’s not enough. Breaking a promise for example can lead to arguments. But there are a lot of examples where disappointment is just around the corner. I’ve asked around me what is the most disappointing thing people can experience with their lover, and people replied in general that it has a lot to do with our deceived expectations. But sometimes, this has also a lot to do with disrespect.

“I will be disappointed  if he doesn’t treat me the right way. If he doesn’t treat me with respect, doesn’t talk to me very kindly, ignores me completely when we are at a party, forgets to wish me a happy birthday,… that would make me sad”U., 34, said.

“My ex was never there when I needed him the most. He was too busy working. And was often abroad for his job. When I lost my mom, I could only talk to him briefly between two of his important meetings. I spent most of my time crying with my friends, but he wasn’t there to support me. He was also noticeably absent from my mom’s funeral. I had the feeling I only came second after his precious job. I got hospitalized six months after my mom’s death, and he wasn’t there, of course. I decided to call it quits and find someone who will be there for me, even if his job is very taking“Y.,36, said.

“He would never listen to me, never value what I say. Never ask my opinion. I felt completely useless” E., 35, said.

“He was all talks, but no action. He would promise me everything, but never give me anything. Everytime he said he would take me to the restaurant or to the movies, he always came with an  excuse at the last minute saying we would do this on another time. It was the same story with flowers, concerts, travels,… He would forget about it or find an excuse to avoid it” P., 32, said.

“My ex would never let me talk during dinners with his friends or family and if I tried to do so, he would systematically make fun of what I said. Oh, and he didn’t like at all when I spoke to him. He said I was talking too much” M., 31, said.

“I will be disappointed if he doesn’t show he cares about me. That includes defending me when I’m in trouble, or not replying immediately to my call, even if it’s just to say that he can’t take my call. Oh, and I don’t appreciate when he lets me pay at the restaurant or don’t hold the door for me” G., 30, said.

“If he lets me do all the works. I won’t appreciate if he doesn’t take part to the education of our children, doesn’t help me at all with the household chores and the family duties” C., 35, said.

“If he doesn’t pick me at the airport or train station when it’s possible. My ex would have never done that, despite the fact he was unemployed at the time. Once, I had to arrive very late, and there was a taxi strike. Impossible to get home. I had to call my parents to come and fetch me. He didn’t reply to my call, and was quietly asleep. He told me he didn’t hear my call” S., 29, said.

The list can be never-ending. But when those disappointments are too frequent and numerous, maybe it should serve as a warning signal he/she’s not that into you.

So, what would disappoint you the most? And what do you appreciate the most?