Many of you have probably heard about this news: Helmut Kohl, 78, has just tied the knot again with  a 44 year old economist named Maike. He was previously married to another woman who committed suicide. Let’s wish to the new bride not the same fate… (I’m horrible, I know).

If they had dated earlier in their life, he would have been considered as a pedophile or something like that, and people would have criticized her for looking after a father figure. I’m sure now Maike’s mom wouldn’t have said anything against this union (if she’s still alive).

Passed a certain age, age difference isn’t such a problem anymore. For some people, at least. When I see my friend, who’s 30, dating a 55 year-old man, I don’t see any problem because at 55, he’s still got it going on (some of my professional contacts  are younger than him, and they look much older than him). Her man would give complex to my male generation…

Yet, I’m wondering what was Maike thinking by marrying a guy who could be my grandpa…

Does that disgust you?

Sometimes, it’s better to keep our mouth shut. But unfortunately, everyone of us can’t do this, and that’s how we can end up in an imbroglio and hurt people. Usually, as we grow old, we learn to remain silent when we should, and speak when we should too.

Keeping it quiet has also one advantage: at least, you’re not talking shit on someone else’s back. Many many times, I told myself not to say anything bad on the others, but I can’t help it, especially if I’m stimulated by my friends or my colleagues, or if I believe I’ve been taken as a fool. And I often get badly rewarded for that, as people always manage to know what I think about them, thanks to other people who simply tell them about what I said.

This flaw can cost you a lot of trouble, including in your love life. One of my friends experienced it once when she was invited at a party in her ex’s house. She told me she was discussing with two other women and the conversation slipped on gay couples. My friend said she didn’t mind about them, except that she couldn’t understand how a woman could enjoy another woman’s pussy and how it would be boring to sleep with another woman. The problem was that the two women she was chatting with were both lesbians, and got a bit offended by what she said. On top of that, one of the two was her ex’s sister, and he was infuriated by her offense against his sister, so she got dumped for that. This is a bit harsh for my friend, but you never know how susceptible people can be.

Another friend of mine told me he completely ruined a date with a wonderful lady just because he couldn’t shut up when he should have. “We were talking about politics, and I kept on making bad jokes about Nicolas Sarkozy and his new wife. I said to her I bet they would have a baby and a miscarriage just right after their marriage, and she looked at me as if I said an horror. Three days later, I learned by one of her friends she just suffered the trauma of a miscarriage. I did try to apologize to her, but she wouldn’t listen to me” he said. I told him that this is something you never say to a woman, it’s just horrible (yes, I’m also pissed by my friend right now…).

Censorship is a cancer, but yet, you can’t tell anything to anyone. Because we are sociable human beings, we have to deal with the others’ susceptibility. And there are topics you should never mention in front of everyone.

So, have you ever said something offending non intentionally to someone you like?

]]> http://modobs.wordpress.com/2008/05/13/silent-lucidity/feed/ modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/2008/05/12/this-modern-love/ http://modobs.wordpress.com/2008/05/12/this-modern-love/#comments Mon, 12 May 2008 09:35:55 +0000 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/?p=413

When I see the high rate of divorces nowadays compared to the generation of our grandparents, I can’t help wondering if our modern society makes us unable to pick the right partner to us.  Before, if you were a woman, you couldn’t choose any man to marry you because you had to obtain your father’s blessing for your pretender. And your father would give his blessing according to some criteria like your pretender’s wealth, his ability to take care of you,… Besides, you were generally the last person consulted for your wedding, because your future husband had been carefully selected by your family.

Now, the women who still listen to their parents’s advices on love/ let their parents choose a man for them  belong to a minority. Most of us really trust our heart when it comes to getting hitched. And I’m pretty sure that if you ask parents about the choice their daughter made with their partner, their answer wouldn’t be that optimistic. I know that my parents weren’t pleased of the light of my life when they met him for the first time (my mom had the hope I would marry my ex-best friend, but she didn’t have a clue on how it badly ended with him). One of my friends told me her parents hated her ex-fiancé. “My mom hated the way he treated me. My father just thought he was good for nothing, but in fact, they had it right about him. Why didn’t I listen to them at the first place? I don’t know” she said. On the other hand, sometimes, our parents can be wrong. My parents loved my ex, who just couldn’t act differently than in a cowardly way with me. Another friend of mine told me her parents acted similarly than mine with her ex. “They didn‘t know he was cheating on me most of the time” she said.

I also asked around me if their parents could have chosen a man/woman they could fall in love with, and the answers were quite surprising. To the vast majority, people have replied by the negative. “I know my parents would pick a decent guy, but boring. And I love men that can entertain me, that can surprise me and make me dream”G., 34, said. “They would probably choose someone I know in my entourage or in the neighborhood, and this idea is simply not that thrilling” H., 32, said. “They probably get a sweet guy, but not a good lover, and this is a bad criteria for me”O.,30, said.

Most of us dream about a prince charming, and that’s why the idea of our parents picking a man for us doesn’t sound like music to our ear. But maybe the concept of the prince charming is precisely what drives our relationship to a failure today.

So, would you let your parents choose a partner for you?

Who do you think about when you masturbate? When I ask this *ahum* delicate question around me (and not to my colleagues), people answer generally by this:

“My man”

“George Clooney“

“Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, Nicolas Sarkozy,…”

“My colleague“

“My boss“

Personally, it depends. I have a few selection, and it varies, except for two. One is the lead singer of a band often mentioned here, the other one lights up my life.

What about you?

Recently, I assisted to the wedding of two of my former friends I haven’t seen since elementary school. Back then, when we were 10, they were attached at the hip but went separate ways when we enter high school etc. They told me they reconnected two years ago, by accident, as she realised he was working for a company which has tight bonds with hers. She got invited to their New Year event and that’s where she met him again, 22 years later. She told me it was a shock to see him again after so many years, and that she barely recognized him at first. He, on the other hand, immediately did, and said he was mesmerized by how she could remain that beautiful. Both were already divorced from a previous marriage.

This story simply amazes me because I often hear a different version of it. Most of my friends who had a sweetheart when they were younger were either disappointed when they met him/her ten, fifteen, twenty years later or just that their former object of affection/desire simply forgot about them/ find them just annoying or even repelling.

Chances you can fall in love again with an old flame are really thin. They depend on several factors, like for instance your mutual attractiveness, the bond you had back then, chemistry, how both of you have turned out, the way the relationship ended and your availability. My two former friends were both available when they met again, and they haven’t forgotten about each other. I guess in their head, it was pretty obvious they should dust off their old relationship. They are evolving in the same kind of professional activity, and they still find each other attractive.

If none or just a few of these conditions are met, I don’t think it’s possible to rekindle an old romance. If you ended your relationship because you couldn’t stand him/her anymore, even if you’re still attracted to each other, you will think twice before jumping again in the relationship. Besides, people change as they grow old, and simply grew apart from each other. When I was five, I was battling with one of my best friends for the love of a blonde guy, and many years later, I met him again and felt just nothing for him. I felt he had become a total stranger for me.

So, would you rekindle an old relationship?

]]> http://modobs.wordpress.com/2008/05/07/love-will-tear-us-apart/feed/ modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/2008/05/05/into-the-groove/ http://modobs.wordpress.com/2008/05/05/into-the-groove/#comments Mon, 05 May 2008 06:31:39 +0000 modobs http://modobs.wordpress.com/?p=407

How do you like to be courted? And do you like to be courted? Every woman likes to be courted before yielding to the advance of their pretender. And some men like it too. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that there is often a misinterpretation of courting, and that for some people, courting doesn’t come naturally. When they try to flirt with someone, they basically think that it all boils down to being nice and paying the bill at the restaurant, and the rest will follow. Usually, they’re always the first to be surprised it didn’t work with their prey, and some of them turn bitter, starting to bash on their object of desire.

An example? One of my friends told me about her recent experience with one of her pretenders. “He invited me to the restaurant, but it was officially for a business lunch. I realised later that he had his habits in another restaurant in town, but chose this one where no one could see him. Then, the conversation with him was a bit weird. He started to criticize my studies, saying I should resume it. He also asked me a lot of questions about my education and my linguistic skills. Then, he talked about him and all of his problems. I did laugh to be polite to his jokes, and tried to remain selfless with him during the whole lunch. I didn’t expect him to repeat this disastrous “date” afterwards. But just after the lunch, he sent me an email saying he was delighted to meet me and that we should have another lunch together. He started to send me sporadic emails saying basically nothing, and I just replied politely. I had other things in my mind at that time. My mom just entered a treatment for her cancer. I had to meet him again two weeks after our lunch strictly for business, and there, he just gave me the cold shoulder. Same scenario two weeks later, where, among a bunch of other people, he completely ignored me. Since then, he didn’t send me any email, and I’ve heard him talking shit behind my back. I feel a little broken hearted by this, but I don’t know if the situation was different with my mom, how it would have been” she said.

I said to her that if he didn’t have any patience with her, he’s simply not worth it at all. She told me that she also discovered thanks to facebook he was trying to make his move on another woman, which we all know as a slut. Obviously, he was just looking for a bang.

So, if this asshole man was trying to lure my friend, he did it the wrong way. First, when you want to have sex with someone, you don’t try to play it soft. And if you want more than sex, you’ve got to invest yourself a little more. This is what I think.

What would you like to be told when you’re on a date? And what would you hate to hear?

In one of the episodes of Sex and the City (the movie is coming soon, yipiiii), Samantha Jones encounters some difficulties having sex with a man who has a large and big penis. She did try to sleep with him, but this little detail was really a true obstacle to their goal. So, they decide to call it quits.

This episode has left a footprint amongst all my female friends, and all of them told me they wish they would never meet such a guy because it simply won’t do with him. They all say that size doesn’t matter, as long as it’s not too small and not too big. One of them told me she did have a lover whose penis was too small and that she couldn’t feel anything (this reminds me  of another episode of Sex and the City, BTW).

Size is indeed important, but there are other factors that can hamper a sexual act. Recently, I had an interview with a guy who was twice my size and  my height, and I thought to myself I could never have sex with him. I fear he would crush me with his weight (Yeah, I know, what do I think during my interviews…). But one of my friends say this has a solution: it’s just that you can forget certain positions with him. “It’s best when you stay on top, then” she said.

Then of course, there are some embarrassing physical problems. “If I have my periods, it’s a no-no” I., 32, said. “One of my ex-lover had eczema, and during his crisis, he wouldn’t want to have sex with me” P., 34, said. But these are temporary.

So, what physical detail would hinder you to have sex with someone?

Back in College, when we used to have oral examinations, one of my friends gave me a trick to relieve my stress: “try to imagine your teacher in his underwear“. Since then, I always use that trick whenever I go for an interview, and I must say sometimes, I have a hard time to remain serious during my work.

Recently, I had to interview a CEO for an article I was preparing for my newspaper, and it went, let’s say, a little bit odd. We were sitting in front of each other, and after ten minutes, he just stood up to fetch a drink and I couldn’t lay my eyes off of his body as I imagined him in his underwear. And the result, judging just by how tight his shirt was around his belly, wasn’t that pleasant. It reminded me of a trembling jelly.

I couldn’t help grimacing at that vision, and just at that moment, he turned around, and saw that look on my face. He was still talking when he left his chair, and when he caught me looking at him, he just said: “are you listening?” Gosh, it was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.

When I told that story to my colleague, she immediately burst into laugh and couldn’t stop giggling for a whole ten minutes. She said she also looks for underwear and she could easily tell if a man wears boxer, brief, nothing or a short. “Generally, if he’s wearing a short of nothing, it’s easy to spot because you can see his balls hanging freely in his pants” she said.

I asked my friends to see if they also have this strange habit, and one of them told me she only cared if the guy is handsome. “If he’s not, I try not to look at him, otherwise I would feel some disgust, and like you, I can’t hide what I’m thinking” she said.

So this is it, I have a twisted mind.

Do you also imagine people in their underwear?

Once, I had a conversation with one of my best friends about the men we wouldn’t date at all. And she pointed out an important point: she couldn’t date a man whose job is simply too controversial or against her principles. An example? “I could never date a politician because I don’t care about politics at all, and I have no respect for politicians. I could not date a dealer, a man who sells weapons, one whose job consists in swindling the others. Also, I have a hard time with cops” she said.

Her choices are quite restrictive, but I can understand her. We all want someone we can respect, and if he/she already disappoints us with his/her job, the relationship may be ill-fated. Another friend of mine doesn’t necessarily agree with this. “Of course, I wouldn’t want to date a crook or a dealer. If he’s condemned, you can get condemned too as his accomplice, and that’s a situation I don’t want to live. But for the rest, what he does to earn his life doesn’t interest me that much. If he’s happy with his job, why would I ask him to change? Besides, there’s a clear line between the professional life and the private life. I don’t believe these two ever cross” she said.

Another one said she cares about his profession if it takes him all his time. “I was married for three years with an analyst who was barely there during the week and spent all his week-ends working. I felt completely secondary feels, and that’s why I asked for a divorce” she said. So, in  her no-no list would fall the doctors, CEOs, firemen, cops,… every job that is time consuming in fact. She could add in her list the journalists. Just in my newsroom, one of my colleagues managed last year to be for seven months away from home, traveling the world for his press trips. And also sailors and military men.

Dealing with a man whose job is very demanding isn’t easy. As one of my contacts said delicately about his wife: “If she’s not happy with my job, then I will change for another woman“. How nice.  Personally, I don’t mind if he’s working more than 12 hours a day, as long as he thinks about me and has from time to time some special attentions for me.

On the other hand, if he’s not working at all, while the woman is working, some women find it hard to maintain him financially. 

So, is there any profession that is a turn off for you?

In the book High Fidelity, Rob Fleming, the main character, judges the others by the music they listen. He and his clerks are basically music snobs who just despise the clients who have a shitty taste for music in their shop.

Recently, I had a conversation with one of my colleagues about our musical tastes, and it reminded me of this book. He’s into opera, while I don’t know much about it, but he doesn’t have a clue about alternative and rock music, while I do. So, he asked me what kind of music I was listening to, and when I gave him the name of the bands I enjoy the records, he just looked at me as if I was speaking chinese or something like that.

I don’t know why, but I don’t like to talk about my musical taste, especially when I know the other people don’t know anything about Tool or Queens of the Stone Age (except three of my friends, no one in my entourage has ever heard of those bands, yup). Music is something personal, everyone has a different taste on this. Besides, there’s so many different categories, groups, artists, … that it’s impossible to know everything in this area.

One of my friends think it’s important to share the same taste in music with your partner. “I once dated a guy who listened to the crappiest pop music on this planet, like  those Romanians who sang  on a plane, I think the name of the band was O-zone or something like that, and I thought to myself what a jerk he was. I noticed that often, shitty taste for music goes hand in hand with a crappy personality too. So, for me, it’s definitely a criteria for picking a man” she said.

Another said that it’s best when your mutual tastes for music are not too far from each other. “Don’t forget that if you plan to live with him, you will have to bear his music, so, it’s best when it doesn’t offend your ears. How could you stand a guy who listen to metal and stuffs like that while you’re into classical music?” she said.

Another friend of mine said she doesn’t care at all about the musical taste of her potential partner. “If he has all the qualities I look for in man, this is purely a detail that should be ignored” she said.

So, would you reject someone because he/she doesn’t listen to the same kind of music than you?