I was reading this morning a synopsis of Open, the controverted autobiography of Andre Agassi. When he was married to Brooke Shield, his career tanked as much as her career stood still. Their career (and their life) took off again when they separated. It’s incredible how a bad relationship can completely ruin your professional, but also private life when you pick the wrong partner. And it’s also curious that this downward spiral attracts both partners in the doomed couple. One of my friends experienced this with her ex-husband. When they were married, they couldn’t help arguing all the time. As a result, she became very dark and antisocial. She didn’t want to go out, and him neither. She was constantly angry and fed up, she lost completely any motivation for work, but also for her friends. She wasn’t kind with us during her marriage. And apparently, her husband was also a pain in the ass with his mates. When they divorced, she realised how much she had lost herself in that relationship, and she slowly started to get back to her life. She became more friendly. She left her job to start a new one and she’s very at it right now. For her ex, he’s been also climbing the slope. Divorcing was probably the best decision they could take together. Curiously, they even managed to become friends. And they don’t yell at each other like when they were married.

Another friend of mine, who’s a photographer, experienced the same destroying relationship. Her career went down when she was dating her ex. She got refused from many exhibitions, because her work wasn’t satisfying enough. Her ex, a comedian, did nothing good when he was with her too. She was sad, moody, and unmotivated all of the time. He was also the shadow of himself. I don’t know if the perspective of losing her job came into a warning signal for her, but she decided to call it quits with him and jumped back into her career. She’s now back on track. And her ex has landed many roles in theaters, he’s becoming successful.

I do believe there are people who are good to us, who raise us up, and people who are bad to us. A good sign of that is if you smile or not when you’re in a relationship. A friend of mine  says that if you are always frowning on your pictures when you’re with your significant other, then it’s a sign your relationship isn’t doing you any good. Maybe she’s right. A relationship isn’t a temple where you argue all of the time, or spend your time crying, ruminating your feeling, … A good relationship helps you to grow up, to blossom. Besides, love makes life much more enjoyable, at least it should. If not, maybe this isn’t love. It’s something else.

So, do you smile a lot when you’re in love?

At the beginning of the novel “Journey to the end of the night“, the author, Celine, dedicated it to Elizabeth Craig. She was the love of his life, but she left him abruptly to move to the United States to marry another man. The reason behind her decision was she feared that if she lost her beauty with age, she would end up meaning nothing to him. She was 31 when she disappeared.

This happened in the previous century, where men and women weren’t consider as equal at all. Yet, nowadays, this situation still exist.

Her fear might be legitimate. Love is such an irrational feeling, but also so fragile, that it is impossible to swear you will remain with your lover until death do you parts. But that’s the risk associated with falling in love, and we fall in love, we accept it. We all fear our lover would go away. If it wasn’t the case, this would simply mean we don’t love him. But for some people, this fear overcomes the rest, and lead to strange behaviors. Some women imagine that if they get fat, their lover wouldn’t love them as they are now. So they try their possible not to eat too much. And end up eating just two grapes a day. Yep. Some others multiply surgeries only to stay young, even if the result doesn’t look so great. Look at Nicole Kidman. Botox has granted her a severe look, and she looks not human at all. That’s my opinion.

If we want to take that logic far, looks isn’ t the only thing that kills the romance. Beauty will fade away, and the mystery you have can also disappear because it’s just unsustainable on the long term. The process of maturity of love is there to take away all this drama, but some of us don’t accept this transition.

I’ve asked around me what people would do if they feared their lover’s desire is wasting away, and this is their reply.

“Nothing. If he wants to go away, then I won’t stop him. I don’t want to be pathetic trying to win back his love” P., 34, said.

 “Why would he lose his desire? “asked I., 35.

“I would kill him. No, seriously, I do try to watch myself and not letting myself go. That’s enough, I think” O.,40, said.

“If he’s worth it, I will try my best to retain him. But I guess that if he isn’t satisfied with me, then he’s not worth it“ M., 36, said.

Our lover doesn’t belong to us. And besides, love wouldn’t so exciting if there wasn’t that part of risk associated to it, isn’t it?

So, would you leave if you know you will lose his/her love?

“Books are precious. We only lend these to the ones we trust” always says one of my friends. We have often discussed about this strange topic with her because it implies a lot of other consequences. For example, I don’t like to recommend a book I like to anyone, and it’s very oddly. I only give this details to the people I trust, the people I consider as my friends. Why? I fear these books won’t be read like it should be or be misunderstood by the one who reads it. For example, there’s a book I really, really love because it means a lot to me and offers me a lens in which I can see the world, but the book and the author are a bit controverted. I fear, and I know it’s stupid, people would make a strange association with the book and my personality.

When you think about it, the books we read say a lot about our personality. If we pick only the best sellers, or the latest “it” writer, it says that we like to follow the mass. Books about self-improvement say we want a new direction in our life. Chick lit is there to empty our head. Sci-Fi is a way to escape from reality,…

Recently, one of my friends gave me a book he really likes. It came as a joke between us. I told him he always picks tortured authors who have a very depressing vision on life. For instance, they all write around one theme: the absurd and ugliness of existence. And he replied I should read that book, but I should keep that for myself. When he mentioned the title, I was a little bit shocked. Simply because when I was in high school, our teacher referred to that book as one of the most controversial, but also beautifully written book. My friend told me he wasn’t interested in the controversy surrounding the book, but simply the writings. He said it was his source of inspiration. Period.

But I like to be shocked, to be honest.

So, is there a book you would recommend?

In every relationship, tensions can raise just like that because we don’t fulfill our partner’s need. To avoid such a situation, we should make a clear demand from the start and not suggest anything. But that’s not enough. Breaking a promise for example can lead to arguments. But there are a lot of examples where disappointment is just around the corner. I’ve asked around me what is the most disappointing thing people can experience with their lover, and people replied in general that it has a lot to do with our deceived expectations. But sometimes, this has also a lot to do with disrespect.

“I will be disappointed  if he doesn’t treat me the right way. If he doesn’t treat me with respect, doesn’t talk to me very kindly, ignores me completely when we are at a party, forgets to wish me a happy birthday,… that would make me sad”U., 34, said.

“My ex was never there when I needed him the most. He was too busy working. And was often abroad for his job. When I lost my mom, I could only talk to him briefly between two of his important meetings. I spent most of my time crying with my friends, but he wasn’t there to support me. He was also noticeably absent from my mom’s funeral. I had the feeling I only came second after his precious job. I got hospitalized six months after my mom’s death, and he wasn’t there, of course. I decided to call it quits and find someone who will be there for me, even if his job is very taking“Y.,36, said.

“He would never listen to me, never value what I say. Never ask my opinion. I felt completely useless” E., 35, said.

“He was all talks, but no action. He would promise me everything, but never give me anything. Everytime he said he would take me to the restaurant or to the movies, he always came with an  excuse at the last minute saying we would do this on another time. It was the same story with flowers, concerts, travels,… He would forget about it or find an excuse to avoid it” P., 32, said.

“My ex would never let me talk during dinners with his friends or family and if I tried to do so, he would systematically make fun of what I said. Oh, and he didn’t like at all when I spoke to him. He said I was talking too much” M., 31, said.

“I will be disappointed if he doesn’t show he cares about me. That includes defending me when I’m in trouble, or not replying immediately to my call, even if it’s just to say that he can’t take my call. Oh, and I don’t appreciate when he lets me pay at the restaurant or don’t hold the door for me” G., 30, said.

“If he lets me do all the works. I won’t appreciate if he doesn’t take part to the education of our children, doesn’t help me at all with the household chores and the family duties” C., 35, said.

“If he doesn’t pick me at the airport or train station when it’s possible. My ex would have never done that, despite the fact he was unemployed at the time. Once, I had to arrive very late, and there was a taxi strike. Impossible to get home. I had to call my parents to come and fetch me. He didn’t reply to my call, and was quietly asleep. He told me he didn’t hear my call” S., 29, said.

The list can be never-ending. But when those disappointments are too frequent and numerous, maybe it should serve as a warning signal he/she’s not that into you.

So, what would disappoint you the most? And what do you appreciate the most?

One of the things I learnt from my friends is that it’s important to never keep things for yourself whenever you’re in a conflict. Sooner or later, the frustration you have from an argument that is not resolved will resurface. But sometimes, words don’t come easily, and anger can overcome the rest of our emotions. Letting things unresolved can really destroy the bond you have with someone, and this is how you can turn into enemies just like that. It’s childish. But some people still work like that.

When you get mad against someone, especially if it’s someone you love, you have two options: either to let it slide, and brood over your feelings, or express what you feel. In this case, letting your anger come out can be soothing on the moment, but afterward, it’s important to explain why you were angry, and what you want.

Recently, one of my friends told me she was constantly battling with her man over her job. He’s mad at her because she works late. And she’s angry at him for being such a douche when she comes home late.  I know she loves her job, and doesn’t want to slow down. I asked her if she told her man she loves her job, and also what she wanted from him. Obviously, she didn’t want him to act like a douche with her, but she replied she didn’t know exactly what she wanted, except maybe just a little of understanding and support for what she’s doing. I told her to tell that to her man. If he loves her, he will try to change his behavior. Or at least find a compromise. The key is to make a demand.

In her case, it was pretty easy. But what if the situation is more delicate? Another friend of mine is desperately in love with one of her friends, who’s married, but she never had the guts to tell him about her feelings. I told her she would never know if the feeling’s mutual or not if she doesn’t do anything about it. But  she has the secret hope he would make the first move, so she could avoid being such a fool if he’s not interested at all.  She also fears she would lose him if she reveals her feelings.  So, she hasn’t tried anything with him. “It’s hopeless” she said. “And he also made it clear he liked me like a friend“ she added. But I told her that ignoring her feelings can be really difficult, and if she wants to forget about him, she’d better take her distance. She can’t pretend being her friend and not being honest with him. So, I advice her to make her move. But I admit it’s difficult not to act like a coward here.

When things aren’t clear at all from the beginning, maybe it’s worth to set things straight. In the case of my friend, her object of affection made it clear he wanted her as a friend. But sometimes, it’s not the case.”He never told me he wanted me as a friend. Our relationship remained platonic but it was ambiguous all of the time. And I secretly hoped that what he did for me was more than friendship. I got frustrated all of the time because things didn’t turn the way I wanted” I., 34, said. “And then, one day, we had a huge fight, and I asked him what the hell he wanted from me. And this is how we started to have a normal relationship” she added.

There are people who don’t know what they want, or want to keep all options. But if you know what you want, it’s important to ask for it.

So, do you think every problem has its solution?

When it comes to sex, there are always do’s and don’t s. Our clumsiness can ruin completely the momentum in which we’re into. But let’s face it, nobody’ s perfect, and we all make mistakes, even in the bedroom. The first sexual encounters are the more risky because this is how you can completely ruin the future relationship/affair you’re about to experience. How come? Well, it depends a lot on our partner.

Some will hate when you dress like a slut/domina/too provocative on the first night. One of my friends had made the mistake to try a strip tease to her new lover and got completely wrong about it. The guy was simply scared, and didn’t want to see her again afterward.

We can’t also force our partner to do something he/she doesn’t want to do. Especially on the first nights spent together. “He invited his mate to join us in bed by texting him while we were having the preliminary. I didn’t ask for it, and I felt offended he didn’t ask for my permission before. I also would have liked to pick the guy before. So, I immediately ran away” O., 32, said.  One of my friends, who’s a psychologist, is worried about the evolution of sex among teenagers. She says girls would accept everything in bed because they have read somewhere that they need to give it all to their partners, while the boys are educated with hard core porn. She says it’s important to say no and to know our limits.

The places we choose to have sex can also ruin the momentum. For example, how romantic it is to make love on the beach? But then, there’s the sand, the water, and eventually, other people just passing by. One of my friends says she prefers to rely on the good old hand/blowjob in public places “because if you get caught, he will be the one who will look like an idiot, while you can easily stop what you’re doing. And it’s a good foreplay for the bedroom, or another private place” she said.

The words we use during the sexual intercourse can also have a downside effect. “He called me a slut during the act. I hated it” B., 30, said. “He couldn’t stop talking during the act. It completely turned me off” P., 34, said. “He didn’t say anything, but he had a strange way to come. That freaked me out” I., 35, said. “He said weird words like someone is watching us,… ” Y., 35, said. In the case of Y, I asked her if she had noticed before the guy was crazy, but she said she didn’t notice.

Then, there’s simply the bad lover. Period.

How to avoid catastrophe like this? Well, you never know in advance, but the best is to stay natural, and get carried away with the act.  Don’t try too hard.

And if you’re really into weird stuffs, well, there’s craigslist.

So, have you ever had bad sex experiences?

When you ask  yourself too many questions about the state of your relationship, or even the nature of the bond you have with one of your acquaintances, maybe it’s a sign you should take your distance right now with him or her. There are always signs he/she’s not into you, and the first warning signal should be that he/she doesn’t want to spend time with you/ have little time for you. But sometimes, this isn’t as obvious as it seems. Recently, a friend of mine told me she was quite puzzled about her man, because he would be sweet and caring etc with her one day, and distant/cold the next one.

And even with your friends, you can ask sometimes questions about your friendship.  I remember  how B. and I became friends two years ago, against all odds.  I thought he was manipulating me. He thought the same. Then, came my seminar in Rome. The three  lecturers gave in succession to the audience a very gloomy picture of the world in the nearest future. It was all about wars, food shortage, diseases, … After the conference, we all went to dinner in a prestigious place called the Villa Marni, where we could have a great view of the city and the Vatican. Everyone seemed downcast. Some were drinking heavily. My table neighbours remained silent during the dinner, except when they had to apologize to answer their phone. And I didn’t know why, but I felt the urge to call B. and tell him about this. He was suprised, of course. But he understood I just needed his mere opinion, without any calculation. This is how we started our friendship. Since then, some tensions, misunderstandings, betrayals have come into the equation. And we make everything ambiguous, without purpose. Last week, I called him just to thank him for mentioning me in his presentation, and he replied that he’s never met such a great journalist and that he was infatuated with my articles. I just thanked him. Period. Another time, he called me, and apologized he had to ring back because he was receiving someone very important (an ambassador, he explained). He called me back, and said: “I’m all yours”. And quickly reajusted his sentence, saying he was joking. I have a lot of male friends who don’t hesitate to tell me that, without making it ambiguous. Two months ago, he resigned from his job, and I was the last to know about it (my coworkers sent me an SMS to warn me about it). He apologized the next morning for that. Three months ago, I had to write an article about him, and in the middle of the meeting, he shrugged, and asked me why the hell I was bothering to write something about it. My friends asked me repeatidly if there ’s something going on between him and I, but there’s nothing, except he’s a bit nuts. One of his coworkers asked me the same question, and when I replied to her that you never know how he will react, she laughed and agreed with me. I just consider him as a friend. A very odd one.

So, do you ask  yourself sometimes questions about your lover or your friends? 

… We’ll do and die.

Very recently, I had to interview a financial adviser  who offered to come to my office to explain his business. He was accompanied by his female collaborator. Both were former bankers, who decided one day to quit their job and start a new business. I quickly understood he was the one behind this decision, and she followed him. By the way she looked at him, I could immediately tell she was more than just his business partner. Their business didn’t get the regulator agreement to start in our country. They had to wait three years to get started. And could launch their business thanks to the european passport that allows a business based in the EU to import it in another country. But I could see they had to endure a lot of obstacles and were a bit tired of this. Yet, they had the strength to carry on. Because they were a team. Interviewing them was quite odd. He was quite vindictive and pushy, while she would be the one who tempered his quotes. But I was happy to talk to them, because they came with the proofs I always needed to tell the truth about one of the most sold investment products in our country. This product is just a pure robbery from the banks for investors. And they gave me reason. I felt less alone in this.

Three days later, I saw them again in a seminar. But I was sitting behind them, and they didn’t see me until the end of the seminar. During it, I could see them whispering all the time into each other’s ears. They looked very bonded. When I bumped into them after the presentation, I noticed that she couldn’t stop looking at me, with a bit of worry in her eyes. Jealousy? Probably. If I could, I would have told her she wouldn’t have to worry about me. Besides, I know when a man is trying to flirt with me, and he wasn’t at all. The truth is the guy is really, really handsome, and it was hard for me to concentrate on what he was saying. Hence, her qualm. But I know that look. I have the same one when a woman speaks to the light of my life.

But I find it really touching how she supports her man in his business. He’s clearly passionated about what he’s doing, and she probably chose to follow him so she could have a better understanding of him. If it’s not a proof of love, I don’t know what it is. I just hope for her she’s not giving up her personality for him. But apparently, it’s not the case.

In every relationship, there ’s a part of give and take. The key is not to get fooled in this. But it’s great when a common project can raise from a relationship. It’s like a cement for your couple. Some people consider buying a house, having children, … like a common project. Others choose a more original approach.

So, is it important to have a common project with your significant other?

Little kids often confuse the notion of having and being. They confuse the things they possess with their happiness. Some adults also make that confusion, and this can lead to a lot of disappointments/ bad behaviors. When it comes to our love life, this confusion lays the path to codependence. Some people tend to confuse love with codependence because of this. They think they couldn’t live without the one they love, that their life would fall apart. They don’t realise they’re in a one-sided relationship.

Some people who make that confusion are always unsatisfied. The confusion leads to a downward spiral where they have everything they could desire, but nothing really makes them happy. Everything easily bores them. This is how we can lose desire. This is also why we can multiply partners, and never find the one.

Learning that having is different than being can be difficult. Our education plays a huge part in this process. When you’re a kid, if your parents haven’t set some limits to what you can ask, this is how we can continue to make the confusion between our desires and our needs.  One of my friends, when she was little, was constantly jealous about the  rich girl in our class and always complained she had this and her not.  Her mother once asked her if  the girl was happier than her, and she had to admit it wasn’t the case. The rich girl was spoiled by her parents, who got divorced when she was 3, and was very affected by this. We could all notice that. My friend realised she was happy because her parents were still together and live a happy life. She stopped being so envious about the other girl.

I had a ex-friend who couldn’t make the distinction between her desires and her needs. When we were 17, her parents got divorced, and she started acting very oddly with me.  I thought she was jealous of  my happiness. She would dress like me (fashion and I at that time were two opposite things…) and think about becoming a journalist, just as I wanted. She also started to flirt with all my male friends. She ended up sleeping with the guy I was secretly in love with. Back then, only two people knew about my feelings for him, and she was one of the happy few.  Just before she betrayed me, we had a long conversation where she told me she couldn’t understand me, that I was so opaque. I didn’t understand at all why she would say that.  We took our distance naturally afterward, simply because I was moving in another city to do my studies. I just hope for her she won’t reproduce the same mistake with someone else.

Narcissistic perverts also follow the same logic, except that they can destroy their victim. It’s their only way to feel alive. To be.

So, what do you need to be happy?

One of my friends always takes a good notice of men’s hands. She said she can easily be turned off by a man who hasn’t got great hands, no matter how handsome he is. I often asked her (she’s still single) if she wouldn’t reconsider her choice, because I’m convinced she’s letting the good guys running away from her. But I’ve noticed that for a reason, we all focus on some silly details on others, and base our decision if we like him/her or not only on that criteria. This is completely shallow, but most of us will choose to hang with others based on stupid details. I remember when I went to my financial lessons last year that I only hung out with a group of people, but not the others. Why? I couldn’t explain. I was naturally drawn  by their conversation. The guys weren’t particularly handsome, but they were fun and kind, and we always had a good laugh during the breaks. I also can’t explain why I get along with some of my professional contacts, and I do appreciate calling them for an advice or interviewing them, while other just leave me cold.

I already mentioned in a previous post that we tend to pick our friends or lovers because of the image they reflect of us. But this doesn’t explain everything. Especially for the hands. I guess our personal fears interfere too in the way we pick the others. Some people can really scare you just by the look in their eye. But some can see beyond that. I remember when I saw B. for the first time, I wasn’t scared at all. A lot of people fear him, or just thinks he’s nuts. Well, he’s a little bit nuts, but for a reason, I do understand him.  Our judgment can also be wrong. I used to hate one of my friends when we were younger. Back then, we were competing for the same guy. None of us got what she wanted. This is how we became friends. If she wasn’t interested in him, maybe I would have never noticed her. Maybe she would have never noticed me. Who knows?

There’s a lot of randomness in our encounters. But sometimes, randomness can be good.

For instance, Ellis, how did you end up on my blog?

So, how do you explain you like someone, or not?