Yielding to advances

One of my coworkers is a well-known womanizer. Yet, when you see him for the first time, it’s difficult to believe this. Because he’s old, bald, frail, not really well-groomed. He reminds me of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings.

Personally, if a man like that was trying to seduce me, I would just run away. I’m not a shallow person, but I’m not attracted to men who don’t give a s… about hygiene. This is a big turn off for me.

Yet, my coworker has it ways with women. Another coworker of mine told me he scores big time with women in clubs. Usually, he’s drunk, and maneuvers his seduction like that. Alcohol gives him the courage to approach women. And like my other coworker says, “those who don’t respect themselves yield easily to his advances“.

I may sound old-fashioned, but I would never accept this from a man. I would just fear he has a drinking problem (which is the case for my coworker). Plus, I just believe if you’re looking for a serious relationship, you should never yield like that to any man.

And I don’t believe clubs are the right place to find the right person. Several of my friends, who have been heavy party people, admit the same. “People are often drunk , drugged , or just not themselves in those situations” says one of my friends. “And besides, it’s dangerous to yield to strangers. You never know who you have in front of you” she added.

So, make your suitor wait Only fools rush in.

The first night disaster

The first night when he invites you at his place is always full of surprises. If he really cares about you, he will try to impress you with his cooking skills, his sense of humor, his personality,…

But sometimes, it doesn’t turn the way he expected it.

I had an ex who ended up in an emergency room because he tried to cook for me but cut deeply his finger. So, instead of a romantic night at his place, we ended up in a hospital where he made a scene because he was afraid of getting stitches for his finger. But that didn’t stop me from dating him, because after this terrible date, we could just laugh about it.

I wasn’t harsh with him for ruining this date. I was more worried than him about his bleeding finger. Because at first, he thought the bleeding would stop. I had to look at it to realize he needed stitches, so I was the one who urged him to go to the emergency room.

Another friend of mine told me she experienced the same first night disaster at home. Her future husband planned a romantic night and took cooking classes weeks before this to be sure he would impress my friend with his cooking skills. But the D-Day, he made mistake over mistake. He spilled the wine on the table, which fell on to my friend’s dress (who had to throw her dress away because the stain never got off), burned the napkin with the candlelight, burned the meal in the oven, and the things he did succeed to cook were “absolutely disgusting” according to my friend. My friend was disappointed by the evening, of course. But when she tried to leave his apartment, he said he really enjoyed her company, and asked her to come and have a drink in the bar not far from his place.

“There’s no easy start for a relationship” she says. I agree with her. I tend to be suspicious with men who make it too easy when you are with them for the first time. This is the sign of someone who’s used to women, aka a womanizer. And usually, they will tell you right away they’re one, by saying something like :”no woman has ever won my heart”  or “I haven’t had a long-term relationship“.

People who are nervous on first occasions like that are genuine.

So, would you forgive him if he ruins your date?

Where not to find men

Now 2013 is there, some of us who are still single are determined to find a significant other. Some people, disappointed by online dating, turn to events organized for single people. But usually, they grow disappointed by this too.

Recently, a friend of mine told me about her disappointing experience with speed dating. “We were ten women, there were only four men. None of them were attractive nor funny. At the end of the evening, all the women there were asking where were the real men” she said, adding that no one found her match during this date.

This is not the first time I heard this kind of story.

Another friend of mine told me her mom’s experience, also similar. She wanted to go hiking with a group of single people, in hope of finding someone who will share the same passion. But when she arrived at the start of her destination, there were a group full of women. The only man there was their guide. She didn’t expect that at all.

And then I saw a New Year Party on TV where among the forty people attending the dinner, only four men were counted. All the women seemed disappointed.

I wonder if the organizers of such meetings really care about having the right balance between men and women.

Not all organizers are like that. Most dating sites have understood the need of single people to be attracted physically by someone else, without the lie. Because it’s easy to put a flattering picture of ourselves on our profile. Even if it dates back from the 1990′s…

But even there, there are disappointments. One of my friends ended up going to a party organized by a dating site where she was among men of 50-60 years old (she’s 30) . Yes, there were men, but old enough to be her dad.

So, how to avoid getting trapped like that?

Read forums, ask your single friends about their personal experiences. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee you will find the right person easily. But sometimes, it works.

The one you run to

Just after his victory, Barack Obama posted this picture on his twitter account. It was taken in August, during his campaign. The day he got elected again,  his family was at his side during the ceremony. There was just emotion in the air.  No fuss, no drama.

In France, six months earlier, it was a different story with François Hollande when he got elected president.

France may be the land of drama like that. Even with Sarkozy, the election was full of drama. It was said his ex-wife didn’t vote on the D-Day. The day of the ceremony, she reluctantly attended it. And then she left him weeks later, for her lover.

With Hollande, it wasn’t better. Instead of taking his lover into his arms the D-Day, he went after Segolene Royal, his ex. Valerie Trierwieler was furious and asked him to kiss her in front of all the camera. Gosh, I would have felt humiliated if I were her.

But  this makes me wonder: is there someone we would naturally run to whenever we’re happy or sad? Does this mean this person is our soulmate?

I asked my friends those questions. For some, the answer was obvious. “My man” one of them said. “My wife” another one said.

For some other, the answer was difficult to find. One of them eventually admitted she would not run to her man, but another one who was really hold dear. “He’s my best friend. But I could never have him” she told me. She used to be his classmate, and was secretly in love with him. Once, she told him about her feelings after a drunken night. But he replied to her he loved her too much to lose her like that, and asked her to remain his BFF. Since then, they remained close. She started to date another man, while he had a heavy turnover of women.

Another one told me she didn’t find a good answer to my questions. “I don’t share that much my joy and my fears” she said. “I just have a hard time sharing my feelings with others” she added.

As time goes by, I wonder if these answers come more easily. After all, after a certain age, some people decide to stop lying about themselves. Or define their priorities in life.

But I guess, when you’re able to say who you would run to, that says it all.

Falling into the trap of a desperate for love

Recently, a friend of mine told me she dumped her boyfriend of six months because he was too desperate for love. “I should have known there was a problem from the start with him. After our first date together, he offered me the keys to his apartment. He quickly introduced me to all his friends and I met his parents just one week after we started dating. He was constantly calling me all of the time. And left me anxious messages if I didn’t answer my phone. On Facebook, he kept on posting links to music videos, cute cats, … on my wall” she said.

At first, my friend, who got out of a relationship with an afraid of commitment type of men, found her new lover comforting. But then, she realized he was more obsessed about having her than really loving her. And she grew tired of him.

There are people desperate for love. They will do anything, beyond the limit of rationality, to have someone in their life.  They’re just trying to solve their big insecurities with their significant other. And some of them can’t stand when it’s over and harass their ex, begging them to take them back.

This is for the worst case scenario.

Some other desperate for love turn after a few month into a cold and distant person too. Another friend of mine got dumped by a guy who made her every promise in the world. “He was very protective,  caring, loving, full of attentions, … at the beginning of our relationship. He would invite me to go with him on a weekend many times, send me flowers at my office, calling me just to hear my voice. He was really the dream guy. But then, all of a sudden, he became distant with me. Three weeks later, he told me it was over. He said he was not the man I was looking for. I was shocked” she said.

Any sign the relationship is going too fast should raise our attention. But it’s also our own responsibility if the relationship goes too fast.

It’s possible to slow things down. The only way is to keep living your social life and not exclude you from the world to live your passion.  The best way to shoot down your relationship is to spend all your time with the one you love from day one.  If the one you love can’t accept your life, then, it should be worrying you.

Not good enough

A little while ago, I introduced one of my cousins to one of my best friends. We organized a night out with my group of friends and my cousins and my friend was placed near my cousin because I thought they had a lot of common points. Both were going out a lot and enjoyed meeting new people all of the time. But they didn’t click.

I saw my friend really intimidated that night by my cousin. She didn’t speak a lot. She wasn’t herself. When we hang out together, she’s the funny one of our group. Here, it wasn’t the case. My cousin ended up speaking with my other friends. Yet, after this night, my cousin told me he really enjoyed her company. I was a little bit surprised.

On Facebook, I could see him leaving her a lot of messages, but she didn’t reply to him. I didn’t understand why. Three months later, my cousin went to a party where he met his girlfriend, who works for a sport events organizer. I met her three months later when he introduced her to me.

When I told this to my friend, she told me she knew he would pick a woman like her. “When I looked at him, I could tell I wasn’t the one for him. I’m just a social assistant. What would he do with me?” she said.

I introduced her to my cousin because she asked for it. She saw his pictures and told me he was really handsome.

This is not the first time this has happened to her. Most of her dates were like that. She thought the guy was handsome, but then she feels like she’s not good enough for him, that he’d probably be better with another woman. She’s very beautiful and funny though. Yet, she always sells herself short like that. My cousin’s girlfriend is less funny and less beautiful than she is. But the difference is his girlfriend has more self-confidence.

I do admit I have been intimated by men too. I went once to have a drink with a man I met at a seminar. He was really handsome. But I thought he was only interested in me because of my job, and not because I was interesting and beautiful. I thought a guy like him would be better with a really beautiful woman.

I do believe negative thoughts like that are really bad and can ruin your chances to meet the one. Unless the man you meet is looking for sex, chances are he will see if you would make a good companion. It’s normal to feel a little bit intimidated at the beginning of the conversation. But if he’s a great guy, he will try to launch the conversation, and you should feel at ease after a while.

When you go to a lot of dates, you can feel at ease with every new guy you meet. It helps you a lot to be yourself. You will immediately know if you like the guy or not. If you think you’re not good enough, you can pass next to the great guy ever, and fall into the hands of a manipulative liar who will immediately recognize in you your weakness and use it to seduce you.

It’s better to attract someone with our qualities than our flaws.

Losing weight and losing love

When people lose a lot of weight, they sometimes have a hard time accepting who they become. Because you feel like someone new when you lose a lot of weight, especially when you were considered as obese by your doctor. Your body, after you lose all those kilos, feel light and you’re able to do things your older weight didn’t allow you to do, at the risk of your articulations.

Because this change of weight forces us to adjust ourselves mentally to it,  we can feel disconnected from our personality for a while. This can cause trouble in your relationship with your significant other.

“She was not fat, but she wanted to fit into a size zero. So, she put herself in a heavy diet. And eight months later, she reached her goal. But she wasn’t the same anymore. Before, she was a little bit chubby, but she was full of life and was a really good company. When she lost all her weight, she became obsessed with staying slim, and that made her often moody. She became difficult to go out with. We couldn’t go to our friends ‘places without having her criticizing the meal all of the time. And our friends became annoyed with her attitude. At the restaurant, she didn’t want to eat more than the starter. And she also insisted I didn’t eat my food in front of her when we were at home. She wasn’t herself anymore. One year later, I decided to call it quits with her, because I had enough. I wanted her old self back. But she didn’t want to change” R. said.

Some people don’t change that much when they lose weight. “I lost a lot of weight thanks to surgery. And it allowed me to do sport, because when I was fat, I had a hard time even walking. It made me more happy, and I felt desirable for the first time” H.said. “But my man became suddenly possessive with me. He was constantly asking me where I was going. He hated when I went out with my friends and was very jealous of all the men who looked at me. He told me he felt I didn’t love him anymore since I lost my weight” she added. “Before, I was not feeling confident. And I relied a lot on him for my happiness. But then, I discovered I could be happy on my own. I thought he would appreciate the new me. But he didn’t react the right way” she said. She’s now separated from him. And found a man who appreciates her independency.

The things we do attract or repeal people. This is the rule of attraction. When we lose weight, we do something that has an impact on us, but also on the people who surround us.

So, do you feel comfortable with your weight?

The rules of attraction (new version)

We reap what we sow, as it said. When it comes to love, it is the same. We only attract what we reflect of ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves enough, we will attract people who want to save us or control us, but those people don’t really love us. Trying to save someone is called compassion, but this isn’t love. Controlling someone is just manipulation.

If we love ourselves, we will attract people who will be simply seduced by us. A friend of mine always complained she scared men in general because she is tough and strong, and always defends herself when she gets into an argument. It’s true she scared some men, but it did herself a huge favor, because those men were simply not good enough for her and a little bit immature. Last year, at party, she bumped into an old coworker who left for another company. And he kept on complimenting her for being outspoken and determined. At the end of the evening, he invited her for a drink, and now, she’s engaged to him.

The things we do also help us attracting people. Another friend of mine left her job as a lawyer to become a cook, an excellent one. She kept on collecting disastrous dates with men until she made that change in her life. Before being a cook, she was moody, always tired, and often upset about her professional life. Changing the direction of her life helped her to become positive again, and her passion for food fulfilled her and gave her the energy she lacked when she was a lawyer. One year after she opened her restaurant, a male journalist asked her to meet her and write a review on her cuisine. He wasn’t very objective, because when he arrived at her restaurant, he kept on complimenting my friend, because his mother just fell in love with her cuisine. He also told he she was beautiful. And asked her for a date. She’s also engaged to him now…

As for me, since I won my award as a journalist, I just feel a little more peaceful. I’ve received two invitations from two different men. We’ll see what will happen.

The key is to love ourselves. And to help us loving ourselves, by doing the things we love.

A little bit of competition

Men like it when there’s competition. That’s what told me a guy I met in a seminar, when we talked about the possible creation of an alternative trading system for small and mid caps companies in Europe. He said this would bring competition to the market, and that competition is always good, like in love. “It gets more interesting when there’s competition in love” he said.

Is it?

From a female perspective, I can say that I hate when there’s competition for a man. Jealousy can be poisonous.

But from a male perspective, that’s different. Take for example this experience:

“Once, we were invited to a party, but my man quickly disappeared to chat with his coworkers and left me alone. I had noticed when I entered the room that one guy was heavily staring at me, so I decided to have a chat with him. He was very funny and made me laugh. Two minutes later, my man came back at my side and wondered what was going on. He looked at the guy and told me we’d better go home”  J., 34, said.

“When I met him, he was surrounded by women and had many female friends. He was a player, in other words. But I had also male friends who kept on inviting me to go to the cinema, to art exhibitions, to conferences. And I heavily counted on them to take me out as much as possible at the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t want him to think I was easy. So, he became jealous. Three months after our first date, he asked me if we could be exclusive to each other, because he couldn’t stand me going out with my male friends. I didn’t stop seeing them, though. I still go out with them to art exhibitions,… but at a slower pace” G., 35, said.

This competition doesn’t work all of the time though. It depends also on the bond you have with your significant other. And there’s also a rule: it doesn’t work if you sleep with your male friends.

A male friend of mine told me he used to date a woman who had four different lovers. He discovered it after three months and was shocked to learn about it. So he dumped her. “I didn’t feel she wanted me. I was just another lover to her” he said.

And it also depends on how you treat your significant other.

“She kept on nagging on me for everything I did. So, if I saw her with other guys, I thought they were better than me, and I didn’t want to bother them. Trying to make me feel jealous didn’t work here” said one of my male friends.

Leaving your country

When I was in the Holy city of Pushkar, in India, my guide told me six French women lived in here. They married local guys. I didn’t ask if he knows them, because I didn’t have enough time. Otherwise, I would have liked to know their reason to leave their country and come living in a place where animal protein is prohibited and where there’s not much activity apart from the hippie community coming here from time to time.

My driver told me a lot of European people come here every year and spend one whole week. Ashrams can be seen everywhere, and I can understand the purpose of their visit. Maybe these women used to come here often before they chose to marry an Indian.

Yet, leaving your life behind to start a new one is a very tough experience. It also depends on how you get there. One of my friends met her husband in Russia where she moved in. She took the decision to leave her life behind and start a new one in this country, where she didn’t know anyone. It was her decision, only motivated by her personal reasons. Her husband came in the picture one year after she moved in Moscow. So, we can say that her husband was only a further step into her new life abroad.

Another friend of mine moved to New York because of a job opportunity. But there, she found some old friends she lost out of sight, and was quickly surrounded by a group of  mates. She also found love there. And is about to get married. She has no plan to come back to my country.

This is different if you choose to leave your country because of someone you love. You can face a lot of delusions here. Because not only you will be far from the ones you love, but you will have also to adapt and build a new life. When you start from scratch, this is not easy at all. You also become dependent on the one you love. And the heart break can be nasty if the one you love decide to call it quits.

Y., 34, left her family and friends to live in Turkey with a man she met there during her travel. She got married, but got quickly disappointed. Her husband and she planned to open an hotel together, but their plan turned into a disaster. She got into a lot of debts, and she got home sick. After three years, she decided to go home and asked for a divorce. But divorcing isn’t easy as in Europe in Turkey. And she’s still battling with her ex to get her money back and the papers for her divorce.

The inverted situation isn’t necessarily a better solution. R., 40, married a guy she met in Bali. Once they came back to her home country, her husband didn’t help her at all. He spent all his day watching TV and drinking beer. She divorced him two years later.

The best solution is probably to have a good project on your own before considering getting into a serious relationship with someone in your new country.