celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

He’s not handsome but he’s a catch

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Recently, I met a man I don’t find very attractive. But he’s really nice with me. My friends told me to give him a chance, because the most important thing in a relationship is the way your partner treat you. “If he’s nice with you and if you spend great moments with him, don’t turn away” says my friend.

One of my friends always says handsome men are big trouble. “The non handsome men can look at you as if you are the most beautiful woman in the world and will consider they’re lucky to have you in their life“, she says. A handsome man can have a cold and painful beauty, and prefer to masturbate on pictures of women with big boobs instead of touching you. Or he can date other women while in a relationship with you.

Some men you find unattractive can  be horrible to you as well. It’s not because he’s unattractive that he will be nice to you and happy to be with you. But beauty doesn’t mean someone will treat you better anyway.

My friends always say a man should feel lucky to be with me. One of my friends always repeats this when I told him about my failed relationships.

Some people will bet on their beauty to find a relationship. These people are shallow and boring and should only match with people just like them. Beauty fades. A great personality will pass the test of time.

In “Sex and the city”, Charlotte falls in love with her divorce lawyer even if she doesn’t find him attractive. He just wins her heart by feeling lucky to be with her.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Can we be friend with our ex?

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Recently, I met someone who told me he was friends with two women he dated thanks to Tinder. One of them is currently in a relationship with another man. But she still calls him and invites him for a drink to catch up. The other one invites him for her parties, and he reciprocates.

But is this friendship genuine? A true friendship between people involves contacts, presence, and moral (sometimes material) support. Friends are there in difficult times as well as in good times.

Some people keep their ex as ” friend” just in case to have an option when they are single. When they are in a relationship, they forget about their friend. This friendship is shallow and not sustainable in the long term.

It’s also cruel to ask your ex to be friends when you just break up the relationship. Friendship is difficult if you still resent the end of your relationship and want to scratch the face of the one who just broke your heart.

It’s also difficult to remain in a platonic friendship with someone you were attracted to and who saw you naked several times.

Many of my genuine friends told me it’s never a good idea to remain friend with an ex. Most of my friends are not friend with their ex. One of them tried to remain friend with her ex, but her ex has disappeared from the picture when she got married.

My true friendship with my male friends has developed over time, and none of them are my ex. We don’t share a sentimental past. These guys crossed my path in difficult times and we are there for each other.

Time tears apart the shallow friendships.

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Wuthering heights (not good enough for you)

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Recently, one of my friends told a story about his ex’ s daughter and the man who used to be his significant other. His ex asked her daughter to stop this relationship because her man didn’t come from the same social circle than her family. “He’s a good guy, who fought hard to be where he is today. He’s smart. He has grit, and he has succeeded in his career. But he has not blue blood, and my ex wants for her daughter to date blue blood” he said. His relationship was also doomed because his ex didn’t like he wasn’t coming from a wealth family, even if my friend is a respected academic.

His ex comes from an industrial family which is very well known in my country. In theses families, there is a strong pressure to keep their prestige. My friend met her at a cocktail in the British embassy of my country.

It seems like since “wuthering heights”, nothing has changed much. In Emily Bronte’s novel, Catherine falls in love with Heathcliff but can’t marry him because of his low social status and lack of education.

My friend said he was rejected by his ex because he’s not wealthy enough for her. Although my friend is wealthy, he doesn’t own many properties unlike his ex. In “wuthering heights” , the wheel turned for Heathcliff, who becomes rich.

The wheel didn’t turn that much for my friend. He hasn’t become filthy rich since his breakup. And his ex didn’t lose her social status. In fact, after the breakup, my friend noticed he wasn’t invited to cocktails and garden parties anymore. But the wheel can still turn for him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The man who doesn’t want to touch you

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Some men don’t like to be hugged or to hug you. They don’t like to kiss you passionately. Sex is a bit disgusting to them. Don’t count on them to give you pleasure by stroking gently your clitoris or licking parts of your body.

These men are often depressed. They don’t find any energy anymore and their libido is very low because of that. “One of my ex’s didn’t want to touch me when we started to date. I didn’t understand him because he was so charming during our first dates, but he didn’t want to have sex with me. At first, I found it very comfortable because I wanted to know him better and to be sure he was into me before any sexual encounter with him. But after four months, I thought we waited too long. When I tried to have sex with him, he turned cold. He told me to wait more. But three months later, nothing changed. And my patience ran out” one of my friends told me. “Later, he told me he was depressed. I should have noticed, since we didn’t leave his apartment that much, and I was cooking for him all of the time” she said.

Some men are just not attracted physically to you. They date you because it’s reassuring to them, as they may not accept their homosexuality. “My ex was ashamed of his homosexuality. He didn’t want to accept that and dated many women but he didn’t touch them, as I experienced. He would hug me, kiss me on the cheek most of the time, but he couldn’t have sex with me. Eventually, he came out” one of my friends told me.

Some men do have sex with you, and turn suddenly cold. Sometimes, it’s a way for them to punish you. “I had an ex who would withhold sex whenever he was mad against me. He could wait for months before having sex with me” one of my friends said. Sometimes, the reason is just because of an illness. Sometimes the reason is infidelity. Sometimes the reason is because you don’t seem to enjoy sex.

It’s hurtful because you can feel not attractive. In any case, it’s best to have a conversation cool and calm about this before ending the relationship.

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Ask your grandmother

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Nassim Taleb, a mathematician, wrote in his book “Skin in the game: hidden asymmetries in daily life” that we should ask our grandmother for advices in life rather than listening to psychologists.

If you hear advice from a grandmother or elders, odds are that it works 90 percent of the time. On the other hand, in part because of scientism, and academic prostitution, in part because the world is hard, if you read anything by psychologists and behavorial scientists, odds are it works less than 10 percent unless it is also been covered by the grandmother and the classics, in which case why would you need a psychologist?

Your grandmother and older people have a better experience of life than you. That experience is valuable.

Even for love advices, it’s better to listen to your grandmother or older people than psychologists. One of my coworkers, who’s 65, always tells me not to be too difficult in choosing a partner. “Because nobody is perfect” he says. He also tells me that love takes time and that you can’t get someone to treat you right immediately. “You only measure the true value of someone if he/ she’s still by your side after many years” he says.

It takes years to really know someone. So the person you have just met on Tinder doesn’t offer you any guarantee you’re in good company. Of course, if the person is verbally or physically agressive with you, you should run away immediately. Like one of my older friends says, people don’t change much over time. She told me that once when I complained to her about an ex of mine, who never contacted me. “He will never contact you. He will never change” she said. And she was right.

I read recently an article written by a psychologist who said we deserve someone who is sure about us, and not someone who sees you as good enough, until they find someone better. But how can you be sure about someone you’ve just met?

My older friend is also less critical when I tell her about my relationship problems. She doesn’t tell me I should leave.

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The Tinder ghosts

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Some men are on Tinder just for the thrill of like, as if they search an instant gratification like they would do on Facebook or Instagram when they post a picture, a Selfie or a link to an article. These men don’t necessarily look for a meeting or any kind of relationships. Sometimes, they are already in the comfort of a relationship or are married. They are not unfaithful. They just need that instant gratification.

If you match with these ghosts, they won’t start the conversation. Some will try to have a conversation and even schedule an appointment with you, usually in the middle of the week, and never on the weekend as they have a family and activities planned. If you say yes, they disappear immediately. And if you ask when do you meet, they will find a lame excuse.

I had a match like that, who only asked me for a date without asking me personal questions. He was determined as he sent me several messages during three weeks. I didn’t reply, until he started to ask personal questions. And I agreed to meet him for a drink. But then, he stopped to send me messages. And he gave me a lame excuse for not coming to our date. He told me he had to travel for his work and didn’t remind about that before. But he didn’t reschedule a date with me.

Usually, you can spot them and know if they just look for instant gratification when they go M.I.A. after they set a date with you. A men who is genuinely interested in meeting with you would still keep a conversation with you after the agreement of date.

These men want to know they have their options open.

But it can be hurtful if you find your man on Tinder while you’re are in a relationship. One of my friends told me a single friend of her noticed her partner on Tinder. When she confronted her man, he told him he had never met any of his matches. But my friend told me it’s hurtful for her because she doesn’t have any trust for her partner after that. “He lied to me because he didn’t told me he was still on Tinder, so why would he tell me the truth about his matches?” she said.

It’s difficult in this case to trust your significant other.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, women

A feedback from your ex’s?

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In human resources,  a 360 degree feedback is sometimes applied to employees. Your chief and coworkers are asked to give their opinion on your professional performance. In theory. But I read once in Harvard Business Review a case when an employee was surprised about his coworkers’ evaluation. Because they depicted him as a passive-agressive personality.

But in relationships, feedbacks are not very used, especially during a break up. Some people are just overwhelmed by their emotions and try to keep the conversation at the bare minimum, because the words hurt. Some people are just too coward to break up. I had an ex who told me we should make a pause. Two days later, he sent me an SMS to say goodbye for good. And no, he wasn’t 15, or 20.

But I had an ex who asked what was wrong with him after I told him I wanted to leave him. It was difficult for me at the beginning, because I was so angry against him. But he held my hand, and it helped me to calm down. I told him how hurt I was to never have any call from him, and how frustrated I was to be the only one to contact him. I also told him I didn’t like his arrogance, that  I felt he thought he was superior to me. He was a bit surprised when I told him that. I didn’t get back with him after that. But we remain friends.

So far, he’s the only one who has asked me about a feedback.

To be fair, I don’t have his courage. I never asked any of my ex’s any feedback.

One of my friends told me she only asked once one of her ex’s why it didn’t work between them. “I need to understand why he acted so distant with me” she said. “I wanted to know if I did anything to pull him away from me” she added. And her ex was really honest with her, to her surprise. “He could have just told me it was his fault, like some of my ex’s told me when we were breaking up” she said. My friend told me it helped her to avoid the same mistakes with another man.

Feedbacks aren’t always possible. One of my friends left her abusive ex and was relieved when she left him. “I don’t need any feedback from him. I just need to understand why I was attracted to him, because he was toxic” she said.

 

 

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