celibacy, love

Dating at the time of Covid-19 (part two)

The quarantine period imposed in most countries affected by the pandemic has changed our space and time. In France, for example, people must respect a 1km perimeter around their home if they want to walk or run. In my country, people are asked to walk, bike or run in the nearest park or forest of their home. As consequence, you can bump into your neighbors (with the six feet distance required) more. There’s a family I always see for the moment when I go for a walk around my home. The four members of the family have been running in the same place where I have walked so far.

In normal times, I would have never seen them. They are stuck home because schools are closed. In normal times, the two daughters would be in school instead of running around a park with their parents. Their parents would be at work. I would be at work too.

There are also two teenagers who are sisters I have met often during this particular period. They have been either running or walking in the same park where I walk. In normal times, the sisters would be in school.

So the quarantine has changed our social circle.

Because we are stuck home, we are also forced to change our attention around us. There was a story related by Business Insider about a photographer stuck at his house who saw  through his window a woman dancing on the rooftop of her building. He sent her a message with his mobile number with his drone and she answered.  They went for a date with the social distance, helped by a bubble…

He may not have noticed her if he wasn’t stuck at home because of the quarantine.

So, if you’re single during this quarantine, pay attention around your neighborhood. It’s the opportunity to drop Tinder or other dating apps for a while…

Standard
love, relationships

The Covid-19, a stress test for couples

I read this article in the New York Times, about couples who thrive during unexpected disasters that force people to stay home for a long time. Some couples don’t last after an ordeal. In China, the number of divorces has raised a lot since the end of the quarantine for people. But the quarantine have forced some people who can’t stand their partner anymore to stay in the same place for some weeks. So, it’s no surprise they waited for the end of this period to divorce.

Some couples don’t survive to this kind of ordeals. The article in the New Times narrates a lot of examples during the Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. It’s a question of character. If your partner wants to focus on the daily routine, while you are panicked and are obsessed about the events, it may clash between the two of you. People don’t react the same way to unfortunate events. So, yes, events like the Covid-19 or a hurricane are a stress test for couples.

Some couples do survive after unfortunate events like a disaster. There was also a baby boom after Katrina. In my journal, there was an interview of a female CEO who said her family has experience with being barricaded in the same place for a long time, because they spent four months on a boat parked in the Grenadines island. “It was a sabbatical” she said.

Some couple are not very different from each other, and can find funny activities to do in group, like dressing together for homeworking….

The Covid-19 crisis and its quarantine is different from a natural disaster like Katrina that destroyed many houses in New Orleans. People who are in quarantine because of the epidemic have dealt with different problems, like loosing temporarily their job and the financial insecurity that follows, fear of getting infected with the Covid-19 and to spread the virus among your circle, and unfortunately for some, the loss of someone you hold dear.  But people don’t have to deal with floods, no electricity, and all their possessions smashed because of the hurricane.

In my country, it’s still allowed to go and take a walk with your significant other outside. For now. Other countries have forbidden people to do this. So technically, we’re not stuck at home all of the time. Yet, it’s still a test for couples.  Kindness is key in this period.

 

Standard
love

Love at the time of Covid-19

@piques

When your girlfriend has corona virus but you still love her 🤷🏻‍♂️ #foryoupage #foryou #fyp

♬ Its Corona time – playboierik21

In this tragic period of pandemic, it’s not wise to have a date.  Yet, people still use Tinder and other dating apps, maybe in the hope to meet each other when the pandemic will disappear. But I read this  and was a bit puzzled. I guess in countries with no limit to leave your house, you’re still free to go to a date at the risk of being contagious  or to be infected with the covid-19. In my country, though, our government has decided to close all the bars and restaurants during  three weeks , only authorized the food deliveries. Museums, cinemas, gyms, … are also closed. So, without the usual places to have a date, it’s difficult to have a date during this lockdown. In my country, it’s still possible to go to parks though. But everyone think about the same place, and it’s not a good idea to go where there is a crowd, where social distancing isn’t possible.

People treat the Covid-19 in my country with lightness. But when the situation will escalate, I guess everything will just stop like in Italy, where people don’t want to leave their home anymore. Yet,

According to OkCupid, 88 percent of people surveyed globally say they’re still dating during the outbreak. In the United States, the dating pool is still at 92 percent, though it varies by region. (The most nervous cities in America are Seattle and Miami, where only about 85 percent of respondents feel comfortable dating.) In countries that have been more seriously impacted by the virus, that number falls sharply. In South Korea, 71 percent of OkCupid users are still actively dating. In Italy, only 45 percent of people are willing to match and mingle at all.”

For those who are in a relationship, the Covid-19 is also a problem. Because there’s a good chance you can pass the virus to your significant other if you’re ill yourself. Social distancing with your significant other is very difficult.  Look at Tom Hanks and his wife, who have both tested positive to Covid-19.

It’s wise to avoid other people if you have tested positive to Covid -19.

Standard
life, love, relationships

The age difference

lolita

In France, there’s a hot topic right now since the revelation from Vanessa Spinoza about the writer who used to be celebrated in intellectual circles. The scandal has triggered since the publish of Vanessa Spinoza’s book. But when I was a teenager, I reminded one of my teachers who warned us about the male writer and to never read any of his books.

I’ve read that age difference will be more suspected in the future because of this scandal. So what’s age difference is okay, and what’s not?

In general, a huge age difference in a relationship is not a good idea, because you don’t share any common experience with your significant other. Yet, it’s possible that an old man can fall in love with someone who’s 40 years younger than him. Some say it’s just dementia.

The new object of love of Silvio Berlusconi is 30, while he’s 83. Needless to say, when he was 50, she wasn’t born yet. And she doesn’t seem disgusted by him. But she’s 30, and an adult. So she may know why she has chosen him.

There are maybe other reasons why young people are attracted to much older people. It’s a question of fortune, network, fame, … But it’s not guaranteed to last forever, because old people die before them, in general.

That’s the problem with a much older significant other than you. Don’t forget he/she will age not well, and that diseases, cancers, vascular accidents,… can happen when we are old.

And besides, if you’re after his/her heritage, don’t forget there maybe other members of his/her family after that too.

Karl Lagerfeld, the deceased stylist, didn’t left anything to anyone around him, except to his cat, Choupette.

In the case of Vanessa Spinoza, she was a teenager, when she met the old writer. At that age, it’s not difficult to be influenced, especially if you come from a broken family.  One of my friends has a teenager. My friend is divorced but she looks after her daughter very well and doesn’t like when her “friends” treats her badly. My friend is very honest and direct with her daughter. And it’s important.

I have a niece who’s still a child. But when she will be a teenager, I guess I will be very honest with her and warning her about her relationships. Nowadays, teenagers are also the object of harassment on social media. I hope my niece will never experience this.

Standard
love

Gaslighting

liar

In some relationships, unfortunately, you can be abused by a manipulation called gaslighting.

It’s based on constant lies to people. And threats. Like “without me, you will be miserable”, or “I told you not to leave me”.

Sometimes, these people are able to tell the truth just to keep the illusion alive with you. They will also do you a favor in order to keep you close to them.

The best way to reveal their lying behavior is to watch their acts. Acts are generally a good indicator of anyone’s true personality. For example, if he says you’re the most important person in his life, but spends a lot of time at work or with his female friends, and is barely there when you need him, it just shows you aren’t that important to him.

But why some people are constantly lying like that?

One of my ex’s is like that. But he told me he was beaten by his father when he was younger. Inside of him, he was very fragile. I guess he needs to have a shield around him by lying when he doesn’t feel very well.

It was difficult with him because he plays a lot on words to turn the conversation in his advantage.

He told me he would marry me. He never proposed. He was seeing two other women when we were together. When I had some suspicions, and asked him about that, he would change the subject of our conversation, or just said I was insecure.

But every time I tried to leave him, he would make a grand gesture to make me doubt about my decision to leave him. Eventually, I left him, because I just had enough.

He used to make a lot of promises, and never fulfilled those. He wasn’t a man of word. But like we say, promises are only binding those who believe in them.

When you don’t believe any word your significant other is saying anymore, maybe it’s the sign you have enough of his/her lies.

A long term relationship can’t be built on constant lies. If you can’t trust your significant other, it’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship.

Standard
life, sex, thoughts, videos

Revenge porn

In France, there’s a hot topic right now involving a strange “artist”, a lightly woman, and an arrogant lawyer. The artist used to be married to another woman who cut her finger because she betrayed their agreement to be honest with each other if they have a mistress or a lover. It seems he asks his new lover to do the same. That’s how he learned she had another lover who used to send her graphic videos.

Those videos were private, until the artist found those and decided to publish it .

We live in a society where we can send intimate images of ourselves to strangers. On Tinder, some women complained they have received unwarranted nude pictures of a guy they swiped right.

We can also send nude pictures to our significant other. It’s called sexting.

It got easy because of our overwhelmed use of smartphones and the popularity of applications like Tinder and snapchat. But it can retaliate.

Rejected lovers can get their revenge by publishing the nude pictures/videos you send them. It’s called revenge porn.  In my country, politicians want to make revenge porn illegal, and punish the author.

Some celebrities even got their nude pictures online because they were hacked.

Does it mean we have to avoid to take those pictures? Some would say no, because it would mean we have to censure ourselves.

Standard
love, relationships, thoughts, wedding

Getting quickly engaged

https_2f2ffarm5-static-flickr-com2f41662f33998917863_12c6b8b9a0_b

Recently, the COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, announced she is engaged on her Facebook and Instagram profile. She met her future husband during the spring of last year. So, it took them less than nine months to get engaged.  There are countless stories about people who got quickly engaged. Sandberg isn’t alone. Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni tied the knot very quickly after starting to date each other. Both were previously married or involved in a long term relationship. So they already had a solid experience with marriage.

In the case of Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni, they are still married to each other after almost eleven years now.

Some say you just know when you find your soulmate. But there are no accident I think.

In the case of Sheryl Sandberg, she was introduced to her future husband who is a CEO in the technology industry. They come from the same circle of friends and sector.  It’s not different for Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni. They were also introduced to each other by a common friend.

I don’t think it’s possible to get engaged to someone you just met on Tinder or any other dating application. If you do, well, congratulations. Maybe you’re still young and full of hope. There are so exceptions. But it’s like lottery. Like we say, only fool rush in.

For those who were previously married, it’s a bit different. Because they have experience.

Yet, I know many couples who are not married with their significant other. In my company, the CEO is not married to his significant other, who is our marketing director. It’s been already three years they have been with each other. But he left his wife to be with her. So there is a painful divorce in the way.

Sometimes, the past is not very far in our love life.

In the case of Sheryl Sandberg, she lost her husband five years ago after an accident.  She dated another man after that, but didn’t marry him. He was maybe her rebound relationship. Rebound relationships are ill-fated.

Besides, it may take a long time between the engagement and the marriage. Sheryl Sandberg isn’t married yet.

And there is no guarantee the marriage will last.

 

Standard
love, relationships, thoughts, women

Villains

roller-coaster-149508746-57ac7eb45f9b58974ace1b67

Why are we sometimes attracted to jerks who are mean with us?

One of my friends is always attracted to mean women. I told him many times he’s masochist because he’s chosen the same type of women over and over again. His ex was very dominant, and couldn’t help belittle him in front of other people. My friend told me she said he was not clever in front of his friends at a garden party. His other friends also warned him she was very mean with him. Yet, he pursued a relationship over four years with her. She was the one who ended the relationship. She left him for another man.

His new relationship isn’t going well either because his new woman is also mean with him. “Intellectually,  this relationship is interesting” he told me.”I take it day after after. We’ll see” he added. 

Robert Sutton, a professor of management at Stanford university, defines as asshole a person who lowers, exhausts and fails to respect other people.

Yet, despite this negative definition, people are attracted to assholes. Nice people (defined as person who are kind and respect other people) are sometimes perceived as annoying.

It’s particular true in the professional work. Although assholes don’t last forever in their company. In a newsroom close to mine, the editor in chief was pushed to the exit after 15 journalists complained about his bullying behavior. But he was chosen over other people to be the editor in chief  four years ago. He was perceived as a good leader.

“Villains are always picked as leader of a group or a team. Managers don’t want nice people as leaders” says one of my friends.

Maybe assholes are picked because they are sometimes very clever and understand what people need. Maybe the reason is because they are generally in a very high position in society. In other words, they are attractive. That’s why people find excuses to their disrespectful behavior. My friend’s current significant other is a well known public personality. I guess he has an important place for celebrities and the access to their world over values like respect.

All in all, it depends on your own values. If you don’t want respect and kindness,  but prefers “intellectually interesting people”, there is a good chance you will end with an asshole or a villain.

 

 

Standard
celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why aren’t you married?

EMMA WATSON DEC19Recently, one of my coworkers told me she was shocked by what her therapist said to her.”You cannot grow old alone” her therapist told her, because my coworker told her she was happy to be single.

While it’s true that you’re better off alone than in bad company, being single over a long period can be difficult too. But I guess it depends on your personality.  Among writers, Louisa May Alcott, the novelist behind “Little women”, was never married. It’s an exception.

Among the people I know, there are also unmarried people who live with their significant other. They have never got married despite a long time together. One of my friends has been with the same man for over 23 years now. They have never got married, even if they have a child together. Another friend of mine isn’t married to his significant other, who is expecting their first child. He’s convinced marriage is a question of tax, as this taxation encourages married couple over those who are not married.

There are some people who are not married and not in a relationship. But they were previously in a relationship that turned sour in the end. One of my friends left her abusive ex and hasn’t found any stable relationship since then. Another one has been in several long-term relationships, over 2 years, but has never settles so far. They are both in a transition period of celibacy.

Some people are also single because they are in a relationship with someone who isn’t available. Either because they are married to another person, or are just not interested in a serious relationship.

My coworker didn’t say if she was just single, or in transition period of celibacy.

There is also a pride about being single nowadays, especially for women. Some celebrities like Emma Watson are proud to be “self-partnered” .

The hashtag #selfpartnered is also gaining popularity on social medias like instagram.

It’s a trend among millenials. I guess when you’re young, you don’t want to ruin all the possibilities you have.

My coworker is also a millenial. Maybe that’s why she was shocked by her therapist.

 

Standard
entertainment, love

Still young at heart

Today, it was impossible to avoid this “news”.

 

Why? Because they were married until he left her for another woman. So, people can’t help hoping they will get back together after all. But it doesn’t look very improbable.

Maybe they are still friends with benefits? Or just friends? Who knows?

It only shows they are still young at heart. Because both of them are over 50.

This morning, I also heard an interview of a writer who said they are not many plays about women over 50. “It’s like they are invisible in art” she said. “As if a woman over 50 doesn’t have an desire anymore” she added.

So Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston write on their own their play about love above 50, with or without being together again.

At least, it’s a relief he doesn’t appear with a much younger woman than him.

 

 

Standard