life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

The lack of touching

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Time Magazine recently interviewed a 100-years old sex therapist who regrets our busy life, because we lose desire easily for our significant other.  She also regrets we don’t touch and caress our significant other because we are too busy with our smartphone, even if we communicate through it.

I tend to leave my smartphone on mute or even off whenever I’m with a date or a lover. And I will be shocked if he pulls out his smartphone in front of me to answer a call or a message, especially if I talk to him. But I’ve noticed around me it’s not necessarily the case. I’ve been invited to many dinners where most people just stared at their smartphone and don’t talk to each other. I’ve seen couples who communicate through Facebook even if they are in the same place, very close to each other.

Even if you leave sweet messages to your significant other, it’s not really the same than touching him/her, stroking, caressing him/her and kissing him/her.

This is a bad example, but recently, one of my young coworkers was shocked by the behavior of one of coworkers who is married to a fellow coworker. Because she touched him in the back while he was talking to someone else. It is advised to avoid any public display of affection at the office, so I understand why my coworker was a bit shocked. In large company, it is even forbid to work with our significant other. In my previous company, couples were split in different locations to avoid any conflict of interest.

But I asked my coworker if she were shocked to see couples touching (gently) each other outside the office, and she said nobody does that around her. As it we have  forgotten about that.

I guess it depends on people. And how we were raised when we were children. My parents still hold each other hand in public. To hold your significant other’s hand is the most accepted public display of affection. Yet, some couples don’t hold each other hand. Even some of my exes didn’t want to hold my hand in public. But it’s not a proof of any commitment. Some guys just hold your hand because it’s their first step to get closer to you.

As for touching your arm or your back, It’s not a big deal for men or any sign of commitment. Many of my (older) coworkers touch the arm of the women they want to say hello to. One of them is a notorious womanizer  (sometimes, some of his exes come into our office and make a scandal).

Touching the face is another story. It’s difficult to do that with someone you just met. And it’s not a common public display of affection. Many people do that in private. And even in private, some people avoid this.

So far,  at the many dinners where I was invited, I’ve seen none of those public displays of affection. At least at the beginning of the evening. After few drinks, some people lose their ways. But sometimes, alcohol makes people aggressive toward each other and can’t help fighting with each other.

It’s easy to put distance with our significant other. And generally, it simply starts with the physical distance.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

You and me, and your chronic illness

When you meet someone new, you don’t expect him/her to be stricken with a chronic illness. Especially if you meet that person through a dating site. But when you meet that person for the first time, he/she generally doesn’t lie to you about the illness. Especially when that person needs to take a pill during the date.

In real life, especially if you meet your partner through friends, you may have some indications. One of my acquaintances told me he met her significant other thanks to a common friend who introduced him to her. Their common friend told him she was just going out of the hospital after a seizure.  So, he was informed she had epilepsy before meeting her. But that didn’t hinder him to meet her.

After all, we are not defined solely by our illness. We’re much more than that.

But dating or living with someone who is stricken with a chronic illness  can be challenging. Because those who are affected by this are a bit married to hospitals, unfortunately. There will also be times when our partner simply doesn’t feel well and  isn’t available for us.

But we are able to deal with this. If we are able to accept our partner as he/she is.

Unfortunately, for some chronic illnesses, like multiple sclerosis, depression is often associated with the symptoms. And depression is particularly difficult to deal with in a couple, because the depressed mind is just not present.

Besides, when you spent a lot of time going back and forth to the hospital, it can hit hard your confidence. But it’s worse when you wait for the results of a medical test.

Yet, some chronic ill people find solace in their partner. After all, it’s good to have someone who stands for us in difficult times.

It’s also a good indicator for knowing if someone is really into you. Because players, cheaters,… won’t be present at your side if you’re hospitalized or if you have a problem.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Should I stay or should I go?

People often ask themselves if they should stay with their significant other or leave” said the philosopher Alain de Botton in a recent interview. “There is one rule: if we can say, after a thorough thought, that our pain comes from our partner, we should leave the relationship. But if we think  we could feel the same insatisfaction with someone else, we may choose to stay in the relationship. There is a difference between to go through  a difficult experience of life with someone and make that difficult experience because of this person” he said.

Alain de Botton also said the cult of romantic love in our western civilization has a disastrous effect on our emotional life because it prevents us to blossom by presenting us unrealistic images of ourselves.

That cult makes us hope for unrealistic goals as: to meet someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, who will seduce us immediately and exclusively, to have satisfying sexual relationships throughout our life, to be never attracted by someone else, to understand each other intuitively, to build a family without losing emotional and sexual intensity for each other, said the philosopher. Because those goals are unreachable, the feeling of failure is really high, he added.

So, do we expect too much from our significant other? Or from the person we just met?

It’s true that if we expect to be seduced immediately by someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, we can get ahead of a lot of disappointments. Because in this category, you can find narcissistic perverts, players or just people who are not really interested in relationships.

But we need to be attracted to our future significant to start something. This attraction can take time.  Like those who are friends for years before starting a relationship with each other. Or between coworkers who gradually fall in love for each other after spending a lot of time with each other. Or between neighbors. It’s far from the immediate attraction we can feel with someone we meet on dating sites and app like Tinder.

Love is accepting the other’s differences, says Alain de Botton. We don’t necessarily have to share a lot of common points with our significant other, as long as we accept him/her as he/she is.

The philosopher also mentioned that a couple is like a small enterprise, because of the multiple chores we have to share, and the budget we have to keep together. Those are a source of conflicts for every couple.

So, yes, it’s a difficult decision to make when we want to leave a relationship, especially a long term relationship. And it’s a difficult decision when we hesitate to stay in the relationship too.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Refriend an ex on Facebook

WillYouBeMyFriend

Is it wise to refriend an  ex you unfriended on Facebook and other social media? This is a difficult question. The one question is why you had to unfriend your ex. Many people who unfriended their ex on Facebook said they had no choice because it hurt them to see how happy their ex was without them. It was a difficult choice because they knew if they kept their ex friends on social media, they will stare at their profile a lot. It doesn’t help to move on and forget about your ex, unfortunately.

In real life, unless you work in the same company or live very close to your ex, you don’t have this ability to stare at your ex’s life. If you live very close to your ex, or work in the same company than your ex, you can always take some time off very far away. One of my friends, who had difficulty to forget his ex, took three months to travel Asia and turned off his phone except for calling his family once in while.  His ex lived only 500 meters from him, and he kept bumping on her in the shopping mall next to their place or only when he was grocery shopping. Three months weren’t not enough for him to forget about her. But it helped him to forget a bit about her, because his travel was a real journey and gave him a new perspective on life. When he came back to his home, he changed his way of living, and it helped him to avoid his ex, who met someone else during his time away.

Facebook doesn’t allow to do this. Yes, there’s an option called unfollow, which prevents you to see what your ex publishes or likes on Facebook. But it’s not enough as I experienced. Because if his new ho  lover tagged him on Facebook while they are holding each other in their arms, or while they looked happy together, you can see that picture, unfortunately. There’s the option of blocking that person. Once you do that, that person can’t contact you anymore. But you can always see that person if your common friends tagged him/her on a picture or a comment. But if you block someone on Facebook,  and change your mind afterwards, you will have to refriend that person. As if you unfriended that person before.

So, why do we need to refriend our ex on Facebook? A first explanation is when your ex does ask you why you unfriended him/her and asks you to refriend him/her. It depends if your ex asked you that in Messenger or another app, or over SMS or email. If you ex asked you that over a coffee or a drink because he/she wanted to talk to you and you accepted to meet in real life, well, you can feel the pressure to do refriend  him/her. Sometimes, communication helps to ease resentful thoughts.  Sometimes, we need to be comforted our ex won’t do us harm, even on Facebook. But if your ex is a pervert and try to use your informations you post on Facebook against you, you should stay unfriended. A friend of mine told me her ex took pictures of her while she was in the shower, and threatens to publish those pictures on Facebook. In that case, yes, it’s necessary to block that a*** and to unfriend him.  And even sue him.

I guess there’s a good reason why you unfriended your ex on Facebook. Even if your ex asked you to refriend him/her, if there’s a good reason you unfriend him/her, it’s wise to stick to your decision.

But what if your ex didn’t notice you unfriend him/her? Or doesn’t react to that? There is no rule. Refriend him/her if you want to. But bear in mind your ex can move on, even marry someone else, start a family, … Do you really want to see that?  Your ex can also live a better life than you, even if it’s just seemingly. Do you really want to see that?

On the other hand, your ex also have a glance on your life thanks to Facebook. He/she can see you have moved on too. Nothing prevents you from living your own life, discover new passions, new hobbies, meet new people, have a good time with your friends,… and publish that on Facebook. That’s the best revenge you can have on your ex.

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Uncategorized

Somebody I used to know (unfriend your ex on Facebook)

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Do you unfriend your exes on Facebook, or keep them? Recently, I had to unfriend one of my exes because I was hurt by a picture his new significant other posted on the social media, tagging him and two of their common friends. I just can’t look at this picture, it’s killing me. I did unfollow him, but it wasn’t enough. I still get his updates regardless that option.

Many sites advise to unfriend your ex on Facebook, because you can be miserable looking at your exes’pictures with their new significant other, or just their pictures where he/she looks happy, without you. If you stare at these pictures a lot, it won’t help you to move on.

But it’s difficult to unfriend your ex, because you can  regret your decision sooner or later. One of my friends told me his ex unfriended him on Facebook, only to request him to be friends again after some time away. I also did that with one of my exes, after three months of silent period. It’s like we can’t turn away.

Some people will react if you unfriend them, including your ex. But some people don’t monitor close their list of friends on Facebook and won’t notice if you unfriend them.

But why should we unfriend our ex on Facebook?

Well, if you’re hurt like me when you see a picture of your ex, that’s a good signal you may have to unfriend your ex immediately.

If you’re desperate to have your ex back, and send him/her numerous messages on Facebook, Whatsapp, Instagram, Twitter, … It may be wise to unfriend your ex too. Nobody likes someone who’s desperate to have them back. Besides, it may help you to have back your own life.

If your ex hurt you, by cheating on you, or worse, didn’t treat you right, you may also need to unfriend your ex.

The other question here is why do you have to stay friends with you exes? Why do you have them among your list of Facebook friends?

I can’t explain it, as I do have some of my exes as friends on Facebook. Maybe it’s because it’s just Facebook. It’s not like my exes are still in my life. In fact, I don’t see almost anyone of them anymore.

Yet, Facebook makes us have a permanent look at our exes’ life.  If our ex allows us to do it, of course.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

The bill (going dutch on a date)

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In the world of dating, equality between sexes doesn’t really apply. Every woman I know expects the guy to pay the bill at the restaurant on the first date, and even on the next dates. It’s the part of the courtship. And even if we are in the 21st century, men are still expected to lead the courtship.

Many women told me if a guy lets them pay or offer them to go dutch, they think their date doesn’t want any commitment or are just stingy. One of them even told me she thinks the guy hates women in general, but can’t really be alone. In that case, why doesn’t the guy turn to prostitutes?

 “If they don’t pay, it just means they are not interested” one of them said.

In fact, it depends. One of my friends hates dates for that reason. “I hate going to the restaurant and think about sharing or paying the bill at the end with my significant other.   It’s a nightmare. Fortunately, I met him through friends during a BBQ, and he invited me at his place where he cooked a meal for me for the first time, and the next, and the next,… He doesn’t like to go to a restaurant that much, because he worked in many restaurants, and it reminds him of bad times” says one of my friends, who do agree to share the bill with me when we go out dinner together😉

Another friend of mine told me he pays alternatively the bill with his significant other at the restaurant since their second date. “But I was a gentleman on the first date, I did pay the bill” he said.

My friend isn’t offended by the idea of having the bill paid by his significant other from time to time.

As for going dutch, some of my friends don’t agree because a date isn’t like going out with your friends.

Some guys think women are high maintenance or are stricken by the princess syndrome if they expect to have the bill paid every time at the restaurant. But all men don’t think that way.

I guess it can be a good indicator of your values if you don’t agree on who pays the bill at the restaurant during your dates. If you throw a temper tantrum because of the bill, it’s not a good sign. But at least, there’s an immediate reaction.

The worst, I think, it’s when one of two pays the bill, and the other holds grudge without saying anything. Like if the woman pays the bill, and the man thanks her for the dinner and the time they spent together, and then goes MIA for days.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Do players ever change?

I had slept with many women during a certain point. All I wanted is to have a different woman in my bed every day, but it changed” said one of my acquaintances, recently, when I asked him why some men can’t be satisfied by one woman. “Since I had my lawsuit against that woman who claimed I have harassed her sexually, I haven’t been able to sleep with women again. I don’t trust women at all” he added. (That woman seems to be the one who makes him pay for all the women he didn’t respect…).

Yet, I can’t help thinking his fear will disappear over time. But my acquaintance isn’t young anymore, because he’s not far for his sixty birthday now. Some men are not hindered by their age to continue to seduce as many as women anymore. Even if their body  don’t respond well to their desire anymore. As age makes men have difficulty to have an erection…

But what is a player? A player is a guy who only wants to have sex with you. That’s the common player. They try everything to sleep with a woman. When they get what they want, they disappear from your life.

Some of them don’t disappear completely from your life. I had an ex who was a player. He asked me if we could remain friends. When I accepted to have a drink with him after our breakup, he tried everything to have me back as a sex friend. But only as a sex friend, aka someone who will accept to have sex with him whenever he wanted.

While other men can be clumsy with women, the player knows how to get to his goal. He can be patient if you don’t sleep with him on the first night. One of my friends told me her one of her ex’s even waited for two months to have sex with her, only to disappear after their night with each other. He just told her he didn’t see any future with her, and then disappeared.

But my friend suspected him to be a player, because he was very secret with his phone while he was with her, and wasn’t that available to her during the weekends. “I’m sure he saw other women as well as we were together. He had always something else to do” she said.

Her fears turned out right, because her ex was involved with two other women while he was with her. She only discovered that after months.

There are signs he’s a player. If he isn’t interested in you and doesn’t make time to introduce you to his world, his hopes, his fears, his friends,… he may just be interested into sex with you and that’s it.

What to do then? Well, if you want to, sleep with him as early as possible. After all, it’s the best way to get rid of him quickly. Don’t try to make him wait for you. It’s the best way to hope for a hopeless relationship with someone who’s not interested into committing to you.

Usually, the player is terrible in bed. All he wants is to enjoy his pleasure. He doesn’t care about yours.  Some of them have their pride, though, and want to leave a good impression so you can tell to your friend they are a good lover. Yeah, they’re delusional.

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