broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Jealous of your partner’s past

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Can we get jealous of our partner’s past? Yes, it’s possible. But it’s a poison. It is said Facebook makes us miserable, because we can’t help comparing ourselves to our friends, especially those who post a lot of pictures of themselves in awesome places, or with great people. With our partner’s past, it’s the same feeling. we can take his ex’s as a benchmark against which to measure our relationship.

Behind this behavior, there’s the reminiscence of our childhood, where we could compete with our siblings to have the love of our parents. I can see that with my little nephew, who is a bit jealous of his newborn sister. All of a sudden, he’s not the center of attention anymore, because his parents, and especially my sister, are so happy with their little daughter. And he reacts to this by being difficult or making some little accidents. Generally, he stops when we take care of him.

In our actual relationship, if the ex’s is still a important part of his life, we can also compete to have the love of our significant other. But it can torment us. Why is she still in his life? Sometimes, there is a good reason: the kids they have. But sometimes, there are no kids involved.

If there are kids involved, we can even get jealous of his kids. “My ex’s was very mean with my daughter. My daughter feared her, and was sad every time she went to see me at our house. My ex’s also insulted the mother of my daughter, even if I don’t have a good relationship with her” said one of my friends, who recently called it quits with her.

If there are not kids involved, well, why are they still friends?

But sometimes, even if the ex’s is not present in his life, we can get jealous of her. Because we want to compare to her. “Once, after a drunken night together, I began to ask him a lot of questions about his ex’s. But I reminded everything in the morning after, and it began to torment me. I realized he was very happy with her. I wondered if he was happier with me. We were constantly fighting because of that. I didn’t feel I was his love anymore. It was horrible” one of my friends said. She broke up with him.

Everyone of us, after a certain age, has a love past. The only way to avoid getting jealous of his love past is to focus on our actual relationship. But it’s only possible if we live the present moment. We need some self-esteem to enjoy these moments.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

An ex for a brother

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Gwyneth Paltrow recently said that her ex-husband, the lead vocalist of Coldplay Chris Martin, is a brother to her. Because they live not far away from each other, spend time together with their family and friends, go on holiday together,… while they are both dating other people.

[Chris and I] spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother

Is it possible to be like brother and sister with our ex’s? I guess it’s the same equation than being friends without benefits with the opposite sex. It asks also how far we can be close to the opposite sex.

One of my friends is really close to a man, who is gay and a photographer. He’s not her ex. She often told me he’s the brother she wish she had. But she has never got closer to an other man without being in love and lust with him. She had a friend with benefits, but she never referred to him as a brother, unlike her friend the photographer.

One of my friends, who is divorced and has the joint custody of her two children with her ex, isn’t convinced she can be like brother and sister with her ex. They don’t spend time together anymore, nor go on holiday together, they’re not even friends.  She spent the New Year eve with me and her children this year. I invited her to a party and she accepted. She told me she would have spent the evening at home with just her two kids, like the year before. She spent Christmas day with her kids and her family. Her ex wasn’t in the picture at all.

Like her, I don’t spend my holidays nor my evenings with my ex’s and I’m not inviting my ex’s at my apartment. So, no, I don’t feel like brother and sister with any of them. I do have male friends I feel close to. But I’ve never slept or dated one of them.

One of my friends really thinks it’s possible to feel like brother and sister with her ex’s. Because he just bought a house with her. But he’s not living there with her. It’s just a house they can use, alternatively, without being there together at the same time. He feels close to her.

But my friend has real sisters, and was the only man in his family. While many of my friends, including the one with the photographer and the divorced one, have only sisters. It’s also my case, I only have a sister. I grew up close to my male cousin, but when we were teenagers, we drifted apart.

When I looked at Gwyneth Paltrow’s family tree, I realized she has a brother too. I guess this helps her a lot to consider her ex like a brother. Like it helps also my friend to consider his ex like a sister.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dating a depressed mind

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Physically, a depressed boyfriend or girlfriend is there with you, but his/her mind is locked miles away.

For those who share their life with a depressed mind, it can be really difficult. Because he/she doesn’t meet your needs. Some of us begin to feel guilty because we try hard to overpower the sadness of the one we love. But no matter how hard we try, it seems there’s no response from our significant other.

If your needs are not met, you can feel angry toward your love one.

One of my friends is currently dating a depressed man. She’s just moved in with him in a new house, but she complains he has shut down since they lived together. “He’s lonely even if I’m just standing next to him. I feel powerless, because I know he’s sad, but I’m not able to change his mind” she says. Unfortunately for my friend, her boyfriend lost his job shortly after they moved in together, and she’s the one who pays the rent of their house, and also all the other expenses in their life. His depression started just after he lost his job. And despite my friend’s help, he hasn’t been able to find a new job, because nothing motivates him. My friend says she can’t leave him, because he would end up in the street. But my friend seems to forget her boyfriend has a family who is also worried about him.

Maybe my friend should leave him. Even if she loves him. If we love someone, really love someone, we should be able to let him/her go away. Some people need to hit the bottom of their life to bounce back. Leaving someone we love isn’t the same as getting rid of him/her. If she cares about him, she can tell him she’s at his side no matter how. I have a friend who’s also under a rough patch, and though I can’t help him, I told him he could call me or ask me anything he wants if he needs.  So far, he hasn’t hesitated to call me or ask to come at my place just for a coffee and a chat, because he needs to talk to me. I see him getting better.

We can’t force the people we love to change.

Eventually, depressed people will heal their mind.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Multiple lovers at once

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One of my friends is convinced that friends with benefits are the future of all relationships. “People like me don’t want to live with someone again. And it’s a way for them to have multiple lovers at once” he says.

I’m not convinced. It’s not as easy to have a lot of friends with benefits like he says. The first condition is to find people who are cool with this. It’s not the case of everyone. People can be jealous, especially if you friend with benefit spends more time with his other friends than you. You can feel rejected even if you choose this option over being chosen for another person.

Our society isn’t made for friends with benefits. There are many events in your life where you are invited plus one. The first example that comes in my mind is the official party of your company. Mine usually schedules at least three events like that during the year. I can’t imagine my coworkers and bosses’s face if I would show each time with a different lover, or a turnover of the same lovers. The same goes for your family. Families may not be as cool as you are with your friends with benefits.

A friend of mine used to have multiple lovers at once. She never introduced them to us, and she would show at her job events and her family gatherings alone, despite having three different lovers at the same time. She never mentioned any of them to her nephews, nor her mother.

My friend, who thinks friends with benefits are the future, never told his mother about his lovers, and never mentioned them to his daughter, who wouldn’t understand why her dad is having multiple lovers at once.

Plus, many accept to be friends with benefits, in the hope the relationship will turn into something more serious. It’s a female speciality.

My friend may have some friends with benefits, but I bet some of them hope they will turn into his main squeeze.

I don’t think friends with benefits are sustainable. My friend who had multiple lovers dumped all of them at once because she met the love of her life. She’s been with him for 8 years now. And she told me she doesn’t miss her old life at all.

I may be wrong.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The place you occupy


One of my friends told me he didn’t feel home when he was with his ex. “My mother, who came to visit me, once told me she was sad to see I only had 8 meter square of my own possession in the house I used to share with my ex” he said. His old house was more than 200 meter square.

Now he’s single again, he’s very happy to buy his own furniture for his new apartment he just bought. I offered him a long time ago some paints of his favorite artists, but he never put them in his old house, as his ex told him she didn’t like those paints. “I love them” he said. “It will be the first things I will put in my new apartment” he added.

I have also several objects I received as a gift from my friends. I can understand how heartbreaking it can be if I had to put those in a box because my significant other didn’t approve.

Do we have to sacrifice those little things important to us to please the one we love? I don’t think so.  My friend let his ex have the upper hand on his life. No wonder he felt suffocated after five years with her.  He told me he feared her, because she could turn very aggressive with him for no reason. Needless to say, she also felt superior to him. Contempt is the number one sign of a relationship trouble, says University of Washington psychologist John Gottman.

His relationship was abusive. If she really loved him, she would accept him as he is. Instead, she tried to control him. She used his influence to raise her social profile. Many times, he would call me to say how unhappy he was with her. He told me several times he wanted to leave her, but he changed his mind many times, until one day, he had enough. Last year, he came several times in my apartment just to chat with me, and joked he could hide here for a while. I welcome every of my friends in need, so I told him he could stay here. He didn’t want to.

I guess if you feel like living in a box when you’re in a relationship, it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The doors closed after a breakup

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Some people are unhappy in their couple, yet, they don’t want to leave,  because they know they will lose their social status attached to their couple.

One of my friends recently left his ex. But he was surprised when his social circles closed one after another. His ex said everywhere she could he abandoned her, and victimized herself. She mentioned everywhere my friend was out of his mind for leaving her (?) and people in his social circles has begun to wonder if my friend is going nuts. They also don’t want my friend and his ex bumping into each other and start a fight in front of everyone. As a result, he’s not invited anymore. He recently complained to me about it during a coffee we took just after the New Year.

He left because he had enough. He called me once late at night in tears because he fainted at a restaurant after a violent fight with her. I asked him if she was often at the beginning of the fights, and he replied positively.He said he wanted to leave. I replied to him that we are responsible for our own life, and nobody can tell us how to live our life, it’s our own decision, because we only have one life. He said he was not happy with her.

Yes, it can happen that doors close after a breakup. But I believe new doors open too.

Fear is not a good advice. If you fear to leave because you fear to lose your social status, it’s not justified. Staying has a cost too.

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A dating apps detox

dating app.pngI’ve read quite a few articles recently about the experience to ditch the dating apps for a while. I tried Tinder and Bumble, only to give up after one day, as I was overwhelmed  with the big number of profiles. When you have too many choices, you tend to make no decision at all, says Sheena Iyengar, a professor of Columbia University. It’s true for me.

But one of the articles raises a point: in real life, it’s difficult to spot those who are single in a bar or a cocktail party right away. It’s not indicated on their forehead “Usually, after five minutes, the guy I just chatted with told me about his girlfriend. But I can notice right away the ring on his finger if he’s married” says one of my single friends, who’s still looking for the right one.

On the dating sites and the dating apps, it’s easier, because you know everyone is looking for someone single or a least available. There’s a single tag on everyone. It’s not the case in real life. You have to ask, or to guess. The ring on the finger is a good clue, though. Usually, those who are  not married, but in a relationship, will tell you very quickly they have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, because you can flirt  with a gay man without notice it right away. Only liars will hide their relationship status to you. It’s big warning. Those who are really single are either the perpetual bachelor, who refuses to get hitched and collected women, or those who are pessimist about their chance to seduce the opposite sex. They are generally difficult to approach.

If you are addicted to dating apps, a detox of dating apps is probably daunted for you, because you have to manage a problem you forgot when you had your dating apps: the anxiety of waiting for a answer without having the option to turn immediately to someone else. If your date in real life doesn’t offer you the satisfaction you were looking for, you don’t have the option to return to your other potential partners you easily find on dating sites and apps. If you do find a match, you can also be tempted to search for a better option, if you have the habit to do so with the dating apps.

But you have less options than on dating apps. So, you can’t be overwhelmed by too many choices to make. It’s not easy, though, to find someone single and available in real life. Except maybe if he’s a friend of your friends, who know about his relationship status. Friends can be helpful in those situations, and you even have the chance to know a little bit about your potential partner through what your friends know about him/her. They are probably the best indicators to your choice, better than the stars on a profile on Tinder (given by other women/men who dated the guy), not very accurate.

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