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Tinder: come closer

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The Washington Post recently wrote about a study from Queen Mary University of London, about the differences between men and women using Tinder, the dating app.

The researchers created 14 profiles, male and female, and liked everyone  within a 100-mile radius.  The fake male profiles only received 0,6% likes back, with the fake female profiles were much more popular, with 10% of people who liked them back.  But men who matched with a fake profile were only 7% to send a message, while women who matched with a fake profile were 21%.

The study revealed men were less picky than women to match on Tinder. Women only swiped right the profile they were attracted to, while men casually liked all profiles.

A male friend of mine told me he used to like every female profile on Tinder “but not the ones with a rat on their shoulder” in the hope to get the maximum of matches. “After that, I select the ones I’m really attracted to” he said.

So, if you’re  a woman, don’t think he genuinely likes you if you had a match on Tinder with him. You’re just vaguely attractive to him, among a large pool of women.

The Washington Post wrote Tinder makes us miserable for that reason. But they may be wrong, because most Tinder matches don’t result necessarily into a real date.

Out of the numerous Tinder profiles he liked, my friend only got one date.

Tinder just gives you the illusion there are plenty of options possible. But when it comes to dates, and relationships, those options shrink dramatically.

The date is important, because you can really tell if you like your Tinder date or not after 30 minutes, or even less.

Nothing compares to a date face to face. Whether it’s originated by Tinder or another way.

Tinder is just a way to meet new people” one of my friends told me.

Yes, it’s just a way, like meeting someone in a club or elsewhere.

 

 

 

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Bouncing back

A friend of mine recently told me one of her friends is desperate to have his ex back in his life, even if it’s been one year and an half she left him because of his difficult character. “He’s aware of his behavior, yet, he’s still not over his ex, even if we tried to introduce him to every single woman we know” she said.

I don’t understand since I know other people who didn’t have difficulty to find someone new shortly after their breakup” she said.

Why are some people able to bounce back after a breakup and some other not?

It’s a question of resilience.

We are not equal in resilience. The Harvard Business Blog wrote an interested post about it. Bricoleurs, in this article , muddle through while other are confounded. It’s the most evolved form of resilience. In other words, it’s the capacity to improvise after a disaster.

A breakup is a disaster too. We can break up because one of the partners wants to leave, or because of a mutual agreement. But it’s the result of a bad couple. And we can feel rejected  after that. But some people cope better than others.

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, in a recent interview, mentioned she didn’t recall any broken heart  because “probably, I didn’t commit enough, and also, I had chances. I have  only committed  to my husband. If he leaves me now, I would suffer” she said.

Some people just shy away from their ex and concentrate on their own life. Some people need a rebound relationship to get back on their feet. Those who stare miserably at their ex’s Facebook profile or try everything to get back with their ex are the ones who don’t cope very well with a breakup. Needless to say, it’s the best way to get rejected again.

One of my friends was so disappointed by his last relationship that he wants to remain alone for some time. Another one absolutely needed to find someone quickly. And he founded.

Staying unhappy on your own is a vicious cycle.

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The momentum of love

Is it possible to feel lucky in love after a series of Tinder nightmares?  In this Washington Post article, it may be possible. “Sometimes,  singles feel they put a ton of effort in and not getting a lot out of it”  said a dating coach interviewed in this article.”Then suddenly they meet someone and it feels easy and they call it luck”  she added.

How is it possible?

It’s true we can put a ton of effort in and not getting a lot out of it. I felt I put a lot of efforts with my ex I met on Tinder while he didn’t put a lof of efforts, at least at the beginning of our relationship. On our second date, because he had his driver license suspended for two weeks (probably because he got busted DUI), he asked me to drive him to the restaurant. On our third date, instead of going to the restaurant and to the movie, he asked me to drive him at one of his clients restaurant, 60 miles away from his home, and I had to wait for him seeing the clock passing by. We were late for the movie, and we had to choose a restaurant where there were no customers inside because all the good ones were full. Luckily, I didn’t have a food poisoning…

He was clearly not into me. That’s why I told him we should break up.  I don’t think he can change his mind.

Most of my friends told me at least I know now what I don’t want in a relationship. They told me I would find someone better. I don’t know why, but since then, I received a lot of invitations on Facebook to be friends by men I don’t even know. My gardener asked me if I wanted to have a drink with him, but I refused. And I have two Tinder dates scheduled for next week. One from a guy I turned down because I started a relationship with my Tinder ex.

I don’t know if I will feel lucky with my next matches. But I wonder: is it because I’m looking for someone that some men see the opportunity, even if I don’t say anything?

Is it that momentum of love? I even start to see some of my (male) coworkers in a different light.

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Good lovers

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There are no bad lovers, just bad couples” recently wrote Le Monde in an article. 

If you complain about how bad is your lover, you should blame yourself instead, said that article. It’s a bit harsh, since you can have a violent lover who forces you to do things you don’t want to do. But it’s also true we can always stand for ourselves and never hesitate to tell when we don’t like something to put an end to it.

Recently, one of my friends and I discussed about how difficult it becomes for men to have a regular erection past a certain age. “Many of my female friends told me their husband can’t have an erection anymore. But that’s not the end of their sex life, because they either use oral sex, or a hand job, or sex toys” he said. My friend is older than me, much older, and he added that at his age, it becomes difficult to have an erection without the help of a certain blue pill.

But even at my age, I have encountered men who have that same problems. They don’t necessarily make bad lovers. They just need help.

It takes two to tango. If the other one just stands as a sea star, while the other tries his best to make her come, chances are one of the couple feels frustrated while the other just gets bored. “If love fades, it’s because we want to leave love fade” recently said Carla Bruni-Sarkozy in an interview.

The reasons why our sex life isn’t great may lie in other places than the bedroom.After all, sleeping with someone is an act of trust.

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How you feel is the most important

We all look for advice in our love life, because love isn’t taught in school. There’s no guide to it. Only trials and errors.

Wisdom would advise us to stay away from relationships where we don’t feel well. With my ex-boyfriend, I felt diminished and not beautiful, because he never gave me any compliments, and criticized my choices all of the time. He criticized the book I’m currently writing, saying its pitch was too “simplistic”. I saw him liking female pictures on Facebook while he never liked any of mine. He never had a kind gesture toward me, like holding my hand in public, or a gentle stroke. He even told me I had a strange posture and that I should go and see a doctor. The list is long.

I don’t think this will change over time. I think my negative feelings when  I was with him will never change positively. I told him I felt on the defensive all of the time with him because he criticizes me a lot, and is judgmental. But he replied I should have asked his friends because he’s not judgmental at all. If it was the case, why his friend waited a long time before telling him she was a lesbian, while all his other friends were already given the news?

There’s no perfect relationships, because we are not perfect. There are no obstacles to having different personalities in a relationship. The key is the feelings you have for each other. If something tells you inside that you should leave, if you don’t feel beautiful when you’re are with someone, if you feel diminished, not appreciated for what you are, it’s the sole indicator you should pay attention to.

This is especially true after  you had sex with your partner. If you feel like shit afterwards, this isn’t the sign the relationship is healthy.

Only you will know how you feel. Listen to that inner voice.

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He never calls

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Some people never call or text you to see if you’re okay. You have to call them if you want to have some news, but don’t expect them to reciprocate” says one of my friends. “They are not mean, they are just a bit autistic because they don’t see the problem with their behavior. But eventually, you will feel tired with this one-sided relationship because they don’t change. They will be the one who forget to wish you a happy birthday, or who will never take any initiative” she added.

Indeed, shortly before I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I told him I was hurt he didn’t call or text me at all during my holidays, nor when I got back from it while several of my friends texted me during that time to see if my holidays were fine. And he told me he didn’t understand why I felt he was indifferent to me.

He doesn’t understand because he’s like that. I’ve noticed his friends were always calling him. But he never calls them. “That kind of people are interesting to spend some time with. But they never bother to call you. He’s probably interesting like that” says my friend. My ex has a big house where he lives alone. He often hosts his friends who asked for it. He counts a lot on people to maintain a relationship.  “They are not really his friends” says my friend. Because his friends may use him.

If you want to be with him, you’ll have to take the initiative all of the time, because you can’t count on him. Some people do like that” says my friend. Another friend of mine told me my ex would be better with a depressed person, “someone who lives in his/her mind but isn’t there” she says.

For some people, it’s okay if people don’t call them. I guess my ex would find a better match with that kind of person. As for me, I’m not okay with that. I tend to stop wasting time chasing people who never reciprocate.

Calling your friends or the one you love to see how they are doing is a mark of interest and of kindness. A person who’s interested in you will keep in touch, by calling you, texting you, commenting or liking what you post on social medias,… when you don’t see them face to face.

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The right steps of a relationship

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When can we meet your boyfriend?” recently asked my friends. It’s been six weeks now we’ve been together, but none of us present each other to our friends and relatives. I don’t even know if he has spoken about me to his friends. To be fair, we were apart from three weeks as I went on holidays away without him. But since I came back from my holidays, he has been very busy on his own, and not very available to me.

When is it the right time to present your significant other to your close circles? I guess there’s not a right answer, because around me, I know one couple who introduced each other to their parents after just one date. They met on Tinder, and clicked right away. They didn’t waste time to commit to each other. Besides, some people do introduce every of their dates to their parents, even if the relationship doesn’t last. One of my friends told me his brother always comes for the traditional Christmas dinner with his date, a different one each time. But it’s been two years now he has come with the same person to this event with his family.

I don’t want to introduce my boyfriend to my friends and family until I get some proofs he wants a true relationship with me. So far, I have no clue. All he said, when I asked him what he wants, is that he wants to know me better. He tells me all his schedule, to be sure I know where he is.  I know he’s in Poland right now for a wedding. He didn’t propose to come with him.

One proof, very obvious, would be if he introduces me to his friends. Or his family. That would be the signal our relationship is getting a little more serious. One of my friends told me to wait until the end of the month to see if there’s any improvement in our relationship. “If you see nothing has changed since the beginning of your relationship, then it’s ill-fated” she says.

Every long term relationship goes through steps like that. The first steps are the kiss, the night spent together, after quality times. The next one, the most obvious, is to meet each other’s circles.

Because if he wants to know me better, he has to meet my friends and family. They are my world.

And if I really mean something to him, he has to introduce me to his friends and family.

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