life, love, reflexion, relationships, wacky, women

What does a man search in a woman ?

After reading this news , I’ve wondered what men look for in a woman, especially the one he chooses to make his life with. Look at Usher and his ex, Chilli and Naomi Campbell. Now, look at his fiancee. Isn’t there anything that strikes you ? It’s a bit like  having to choose from the most expensive and beautiful diamonds , and then settle for a little piece of junk worth nothing (Ok, I’m awful. Maybe Tameka Foster is a wonderful person, not like those bitches Naomi and Chilli).

Besides that, physically, Usher’s fiancee look like his mom. That would mean men look for a younger ( sometimes not) version of their mom in a woman. It may sound creepy, but since I heard testimonies from many men about the striking resemblance between their mom and their wife, it is a fact.

Look at your mother-in-law. Do you get along well with her? Why? Do you have many common points with her?  One of my friend is married to one of the most ball-busting bitches I’ve ever met, but he told me he fell for her because she has the exact same character as his mom. Another man I know chose his wife because, like his mom, she’s shy and discrete, and love travels and books. B., a 42 year-old investment banker, fell in love with his boss, who’s ten years older than him and already had two kids from a previous marriage. B. has dated a lot of women before settling down with his boss, and it was clear for his entourage that B. fell for that woman because she reminds him of his mom.

Of course, some men fall for the exact opposite of their mom. A., a 34 year-old analyst, is married to a woman very down-to-earth and rational. She’s a mathematician. His mom is on the contrary living like a bohemian and believes in many mystical stuffs.

But in the end, if the woman of their life is a version or the opposite of their mom, men always relate to their mom for picking the object of their affection, don’t they?

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broken heart, life, love, reflexion, relationships, women

You drive me crazy

(This is not a tribute to Britney Spears)

Love can lead us to do extraordinary things. We can change completely our personality or discover feelings we thought we could never express, just for  and because of that precious thing. But, for some people, love can lead to violence and even crime.

“Too much love will kill you” sang Freddy Mercury . When we love someone too much, we usually say we lost our head. Lately, the case of Lisa Marie Nowak, illustrates how we can lose our head for love.  This NASA astronaut had everything. She passed successfully  the severe psychological test required for every astronaut in the NASA, but yet, she went completely bonkers for the love of William Oefelein. This is quite unexplainable.

For Lisa Marie Nowak, her feelings for William Oefelein lead her to crime (and to jail) . But in other cases, love can lead to violence. In Manfred’s pain, Robert McLiam Wilson depicts how his lead character, Manfred, ended up alone after beating his wife. The author explains how Manfred’s feelings lead him to that terrible act.

I’ve never had to deal with a possessive and violent partner in my life, because I used to fall for guys who couldn’t care less about me. But some of my friends experienced once a problematic partner. P. fell in love with a woman who was absolutely charming at the beginning, but she was also extremely jealous and possessive. P. couldn’t approach or even look at another woman. After three months of a living nightmare, he decided to break up. But she didn’t hear it that way. She kept harassing him on the phone, she tried to break into his house, and she asked some of her friends to beat P.  He had no choice but to call the police and complained about her. Their story ended up in court.  

These sad stories underline a question: are we all able to lose our head like that just for love ?

Personal message to Robert McLiam Wilson

Quit the rainy and boring Ireland and join me in this rainy (rainier) and boring country that is Belgium.

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celibacy, life, love, reflexion, relationships, women

Tired of waiting for the prince charming

More and more single women start to have a baby on their own and have recourse to artificial insemination. Because they want a baby but haven’t found their prince charming, they choose this alternative. It’s another proof that women can live without men in our modern society. Now that we have acquired our financial independence, men are no longer necessary to support our needs, including conceiving a child. But how do women end up in that solution ? Is this a selfish decision?

Let’s try to understand this phenomenon through some examples. V., 39, realized at 37 she was still single but that her biological clock was rushing to its end. She had two serious love relationships in the past, but ended up alone in a crucial period for her. So, after many reflexions, she decided to opt for artificial insemination with an anonymous donor. “I’ve always wanted to have a baby, but I wasn’t gonna deprive myself from this because I  didn’t have a man” she explained. And now her little daughter is born, she said that if she had to make that decision again, she would.

K.,37, always dreamt about having a family with a nice husband and adorable little kids. But is still single, because she hasn’t found her Mr. Right. And after many reflexions, she chose to have recourse to artificial insemination too. “Many of my friends have been trapped in a disappointing relationship to achieve their dream of having a baby. But I don’t want that. I’d rather have a baby on my own than dealing with an unbearable father” she said.

One of my friend, who’s a MD specialized in fertility, once explained she was confronted to a very special case. A 28 year-old lady came one day to visit her and asked for an artificial insemination, but not with her partner’s sperm. Because she didn’t want her partner to be the biological father of the child for a reason my friend didn’t understand. But the lady wanted him to raise the child. My friend didn’t tell me what she did with that special case.

We still live in a world where two is the norm, especially for bringing up a child. But now that divorces multiply, we see more and more single moms raising their kids. And their situation is not very different from the inseminated women who also bring up their child alone. 

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life, love, reflexion, relationships, women

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

We all lie, that’s a fact. If we always tell the truth, we won’t have any friends. Because we live in a social environment, we all have to lie to each other. I’m not talking here about the biggest lies you can tell to someone, like for example swearing you didn’t cheat on your partner after an infidelity. But I’d like to say a few words about the little lies we use to prevent or neutralize a crisis with our partner.

There are many subjects of dispute between a man and a woman, and sometimes, we just want to avoid the fight because it’s not worth it.  How do we manage to avoid this ? By simply lying.  Here’s some situations.

  1. The clothes.Many women I know (in fact, all of them) like to spend their money on clothes and accessories. The problem is that men usually don’t understand our need to buy new clothes, or a new pair of shoes, or a new handbag despite the fact that our closet is already full of those little things.  So, usually, when a woman goes back from shopping with bags full of new clothes and cie, she always gets this kind of remark: “ Why did you buy another pair of black shoes ? You ‘ve already had five pairs of these” (N.B.: this works also for a bag, a sweater, a tee-shirt,…). Generally, the male who pronounces these sentences is a bit pissed off. And generally, the woman has no other choice but to lie to him to avoid a fight. S. uses various excuses for her man. She tells him she received this pair of shoes/ bag/ sweater/ skirt/… from her sister/mother because she just cleaned her closet and gave her the clothes she didn’t wear anymore.  S. also tells her man she’s  had this piece of clothes for already three months but didn’t wear it until now. She also says there were a huge sale and she bought this for nothing.
  2. The car. Many women are terrible drivers ( many men are too) and when they use their husband’ s car, sometimes, they have a little problem with it. Like for example going backwards into another car in a parking lot. One of my friend explained that her wife cannot drive and go back without any bump on his car. But she always has an excuse for it. She once said to him that a kid rode too near from his car with his bicycle.  And also that an old lady bumped into his car with her trolley.
  3. The in-laws. Sometimes, you don’t want to see them, but you have to. So, you pretend you’re sick and you cannot go with your partner and see them.

These lies serve as an excuse to avoid a fight with your partner. There are also lies you used to avoid hurting your partner. For example, if he’s getting old and asks you about it, would you tell him the truth, or rather lie about it?

But when is it OK to lie ? And when it is not ? If you have to lie to your partner to do something like visiting your friend and family, because if you tell him the truth, he won’t let you go, then there’s a problem.

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life, love, relationships, women

Meet the parents

Among the little things that can poison a love relationship, there’s the in-laws. How do you get along with yours ? Personally, I have no problem with mine, but with the light of my life, we made a deal: we   try to see our parents separately when it’s possible. Of course, when it’s Christmas or other traditional events, we cannot go separately and see our family.  And we try also to prevent us from the intervention of our family in our couple.

But around me, I know some people who have a real problem with their in-laws. A friend of mine is married to an Italian whose mother still lives in Italy, near Palermo. Once a year, her mother-in-law pays a visit to his husband, and she stays one whole month in their house. Usually, when her mother-in-law goes back to Sicily, my friend is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Because she had to endure one month of constant critics about the way she cooks, she cleans the house, she takes care of her husband (her precious son) ,… And my friend is not a mom yet. So things will probably worsen when she will have a baby. Because my friend has the impression that nothing she does is enough to please her mother-in-law. Luckily for her, this painful period only lasts one month per year.  Other people I know would pay to have the chance of having eleven months of peace during a year.

The worst situation usually comes when your in-laws live in the same house than you. Some couples have managed to resolve the problem that could cause this kind of cohabitation by putting their parents in a independent part of their house. But there are the lucky one. S., a 44 year-old teacher, accepted to accommodate her mother-in-law in her house after the death of his husband. But she soon started to regret her decision. Three days after her mother-in-law’s moving, she found out that the devil has reorganized her whole house and has changed everything from its place.  The devil also threw away everything she thought that wasn’t necessary.  S. had also the impression that her mother-in-law kept on watching her. After three months of painful cohabitation, S. begged her husband to find another place for his mother to live.  I don’t know if she got satisfaction, or if she divorced or had an nervous breakdown after that.

But sometimes, your in-laws don’t live in the same house than you, but they still get on your nerves. D, a 32 year-old nurse, told me that if she could kill her in-laws without any consequence, she would do it.  Because she has to deal with two particular human beings. Her mother-in-law is very susceptible, you cannot say anything without hurting her, while her father-in-law is the most stingy person you can ever met, among other unpleasant things. So, every occasion she has to meet her in-laws turns into a living nightmare. She explained to me she once had a huge fight with her in-laws over the setup of her wedding. Her father-in-law got offended when she refused the low-budget location he chose for the wedding and threaten to boycott her wedding. After many, many diplomatic talks, her husband convinced his father to change his mind. But, meanwhile, her mother-in-law started to be difficult too.  For her wedding, her monster-in-law decided not to pick a gift from the wedding list, but instead chose to offer a handcrafted napkin she made herself. And now, each time she pays a visit to D. and her husband, she checked if her napkin lays on the table. Because if it’s not, she’s offended, and it takes many, many talks to calm her down. That’s just one example of all the situations D. has to go through with her in-laws. She told me that if she wanted to tell everything about them, she could write a whole book.

In some African cultures, they have a relationship of avoidance with their in-laws. Maybe they have the key for a good relationship with their in-laws.

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life, love, relationships, women

How do we survive after an infidelity ?

According to a study, 25 % of men and 15 % of women have had an affair. Some couples survive after the infidelity of one of the partners, while others go belly up after that. It’s a question of reasons: some couples find significant  reasons  to believe their relationship can last, despite the anger and the heartbreak.  It’s also a question of frequency: the more you cheat  and your partner knows everything, the more he/ she would be fed up with your cheating and leave you. But, especially, it depends on your capacity to forgive and forget about it.

Significant reasons ? Here are some examples. C., a 36 year-old teacher, cheated on her husband because she felt neglected. Unfortunately for her, she got pregnant with her lover, but refused to tell everything to her husband. When the baby was born, her husband thought naturally he was the father, and was devastated to learn, three months later, he wasn’t actually the biological one.  But after a long reflexion, he chose to stay with his wife and the kid because he got so attached to “his daughter” and couldn’t live without M.

A., a 41 year-old actress, had an affair with another actor playing in the same theater than her. She was spending more time in the theater than at home, but her husband wasn’t often either there, too busy going at the gym. He eventually learned about her affair, and asked for a divorce. One year later, while the process of the divorce  wasn’t even finished, he decided to rekindle his romance with his wife. They both realized they got a little out of sight from each other, but also that they truly love each other. So, she has reduced her presence in the theater while he has reduced drastically the gym.

But sometimes, couples stay together for the wrong reasons. The most obvious one is the children, but we can’t really blame them for that.  In this case, usually, they permit each other to pursue their relationship with their respective lover, because love is dead between them.

Forgive and forget ? If you’re particularly vindictive, chances are you will forgive your unfaithful partner, but you will never forget about it.  S., a 39 year-old accountant, cheated once on her husband. He decided to forgive her for that, but couldn’t take the idea of seeing her with another man out of his head. He became suspicious and extremely jealous after her infidelity. After years of fights because of his jealousy, they decided to divorce.

Could you forgive your partner if he/she cheats on you ? That’s a tough question. 

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blogging, life, love, relationships, women

Part-time single person

 

Some couples cannot live without each other, and if one member of the couple has to go away for work or for other reasons, then, it’s a drama. Some other couples deal with those absences, because they have  no choice.

If one of the two members of a couple, or even the two of them, has a very demanding job,  this situation often happens.  M., 32, is married to a restaurant owner, who works late five days a week. M. works from 9 to 5,  so she spend fives nights a week alone in their house. She’s not complaining from her situation, though. In fact, she appreciates being alone from time to time. Her loneliness allows her to do things she couldn’t do if her husband was there, like chatting all night long with her girlfriends, watching all the episodes of her favorite shows, taking care of herself with manicure, pedicure, shaving, … and eating loads of cookies (a guilty pleasure I would be also be ashamed to do  in front of my man).   But she says she enjoys much her husband’s company.

S., 43, is married to a British engineer who’s been sent to Ireland for his job. But S. still live in her home country  with their three kids. She ‘s separated from her husband fours days a week, and spends her time travelling with the kids between her home country and Ireland. But she’s kind of enjoying it, because she says her reunion with her husband  are always intense.

R., 33, has also a husband who often travels for his job. But lately, he has changed his profession and is more often with her than away. She admits she prefers when he’s away than when he’s home with her, because she got used too much to his numerous absences.  

T., 35, is a journalist who often travels for her job. The problem is her husband travels a lot too on his side, so they hardly see each other. After spending 5 years on hectic schedules, they decided to quit their mutual jobs and start a company together. She said if she hasn’t done that, she would probably have divorced by now.

Being a part-time single person can seem fun at the beginning. For some couples, it’s even welcome like a breath of fresh air from time to time. But it’s also dangerous because you can realize you’re better off without him.  

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