life, love, relationships, women

What do you expect from a married man ?

While some single women avoid married men like plague, some others systematically fall for them. There’s something to do with their relationship with their father, according to Freud and other psychologists.

I’m not gonna give my own analysis of those women, but, since I encountered some of them who told me about their story, I just want to depict how they feel.

There are different categories for women attracted by married men. First of all, there’s the woman who didn’t know about his civil state. In that case, I’ve noticed that they become particularly vigilant with men after this catastrophic relationship. T. is a 39 year-old journalist who met her lover during a press trip. She thought he was single too, because he didn’t wear any ring  and pretended he was single. They started a relationship that lasted two years, until she discovered he was married with 2 kids. She felt so betrayed at that moment that she took a long time to get over him.  “I couldn’t believe he lied to me” she said. It’s been two years since this relationship is over, but she still hasn’t fully recovered from it and doesn’t want to date other men.

Secondly, there’s the mistress. Unlike the first category, she knows the situation of her lover, and that’s what excites her.  I do admit that I don’t want to have a friend like that, I would be afraid that she could steal my man. A., a 41 year-old PR, collects married men like others would collect stamps. She told me that she doesn’t believe in men’s faithfulness , and by seducing married men, she get the proof that they’re not faithful.

The third category is quite particular. It applies to women who just fell for the guy, knowing he’s married, because he’s just “the one”. “I knew he was married, but I had the feeling if I didn’t have him, I would have regretted it all my life” St. explained. “I spent with him the most beautiful moments in my life, even though I knew that sooner or later, it will be over” she added.  Her relationship with her married man lasted four years, until he got a promotion for a post in another country. St. told me she never expected anything from him, except his love, and that’s what she got.

Then, there’s the believer. She also know the situation of her man, she also felt he was “the one”, but, instead of St., truly believes he would divorce his wife for her, or at least, makes plans of living a life with him. N., a 29 year-old nurse, started an affair with a old friend of her, who just got a little girl with his wife. Although she doesn’t admit it, she secretly hopes he would leave his wife for her. She once explained she wish she had his baby. If this isn’t a clear sign she wants to commit with him, then I don’t know what it is.   The problem is that I know a lot of men who choose to stay with their wife instead of leaving with their mistress.  This kind of relationship is based on a bet. But remember that, with every bet, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.


112 thoughts on “What do you expect from a married man ?

  1. Pingback: Jaime King

  2. This was a nice read too..Made me think of a little story I know.

    Little story: Woman seduces man via the internet even though she knows he is married and knows his wife via an online game they all three play. The Woman continuously pursues the man even though she’s only seen pictures- but she knows that he and his wife are having pretty serious problems at the moment causing him to be unable to talk to his wife or feel attracted to her because of their estranged state in the same house.. The two begin to talk on the phone. Three months later the husband is on his way out the door ready to hire a divorce lawyer. The Woman plans to fly to the Man’s hometown so that they can meet for the first time and see where their relationship. Man in his state of depression falls for this woman because she is so easy to talk to…She believes they truly will be together. Wife and Man have a child together so Man is over at the Wife’s house often shortly before the divorce was to begin. Man sees Wife in state of serious depression Man breaks down his walls of anger and hurt long enough to let himself comfort the Wife he once loved. This break in the other persons walls allows for them to talk things out, to try to figure out where things went wrong, vulnerability is in play as well.

    Two weeks later the man shows up on the Wife’s doorstep with champagne and flowers ready to talk about what has transpired in the last 6-8weeks. That night the Man falls back in love with his hesitant wife and the two begin to rekindle what they lost….

    Meanwhile, Woman is getting ready to purchase her plane tickets to see Man. Man sends her an email and tells her that he is going to work things out with his wife and that he is sorry for leading her on. Woman is infuriated and begins calling and emailing about how her feelings were deeply hurt and how nobody ever thought of her or what she wanted, what she needed, and how she really fell for him despite his need to do the right thing.

    Man and Wife go back and seek therapy and begin to live happily ever after.

    Woman can fuck off. End of story.

    You see where I went with that one, No woman has any right who KNOWINGLY pursues a relationship with a married man whether they just “fall in love” or “think he’s the one”. If she is actively pursuing him, or allow herself to be pursued by him and not avoiding any potential for intimate conversation or situations where feelings are easily derived – then she is completely in the wrong. Women who are innocent to that knowledge are purely victims.

    End Soap Box.

  3. Thank you, Alyssa!

    I don’t want to judge these women, but of course, I would be pissed if one of them tries to approach with insistance the light of my life. Still, I believe love is complicated and is hard to control.
    You’re the first to leave me an argumented answer to this post. And I thank you for that. It’s refreshing, since I only got insults so far for this (all deleted, I’m not tolerant) 🙂

  4. There’s no need for insults. It’s REAL. It’s why 42% of marriages end. It’s a real topic that people need to address – couples and the women who try to shove their way in.

    I have this friend who ended up marrying and having kids with the married man she took away from another woman.. She’s all “we’re so happy and we’ve had two kids together.. I just don’t get it why his ex is so mean..” Where she is right if you and your ex split — be nice to the second wife, SO LONG AS SHE ISNT SCREWING HIM WHILE YOURE STILL MARRIED.. Hello, big IF there.. Maybe we could instill the fear of death in them? Do you know how many female black widow murderers turned when their husbands were involved with other women or women were pursuing their husbands?? Many. HaHaHa.I am curious as to what kind of hate mail you’ve gotten…. its obvious the only haters were the ones who were exactly what was mentioned above…

    Guilt speaks louder than actions or words.

  5. 42% of marriages end because of the greener grass syndrome? It’s sad, Alyssa.
    The kind of comments I had? Well, it goes something like this: Yes, I’m a mistress and go f*** yourself. Always nice and class.

  6. there is another category of women who chase married men: those that don’t want a relationship and believe that sex with a married man is less complicated because he is already attached to someone else emotionally…

  7. We could easily put these women in the mistress category, drunk american. In the case of A., I know she doesn’t want to commit into a relationship.

  8. I also wasn’t looking for this, but enjoyed reading the post and the comments. It’s a shame you can’t talk about this ‘reality’ without people getting angry. though I am not married and have never had an affair with a married woman (wouldn’t do it) – so maybe it’s still a very spot for some.

    Anyway. Enjoyed it.


  9. Hi Steve,

    Thank you! But it’s OK, people have the right to think whatever they want, but not on this blog if it’s insulting. You have the right attitude: hooking up with someone who’s married will get you into trouble.

    thanks for stopping by.

  10. dreadpiraterobert says:

    I was at a bar with a gal pal. We hung we laughed I met a man there who over the course of the evening I realised he had left a footprint in my soul. i shared a moment with him .
    He found me a few days later asked to talk with me. I hadnt expected to see him again but i so wanted to.
    He was married he too has a story. As i do.
    He wanted to let me know he was married. He too was astounded at the connection and chemistry. As were his friends and mine that witnessed it.
    Is it so unbelieveable in the grand scheme of my life that this man is the one for me.
    is it always so tragic and never a positive out look
    i read these and as i see what people are saying .. my ex had an affair.i get it.
    but what if it is the one
    he wasnt looking niether was i. but we connected

  11. Hi dreadpiraterobert,
    Life is full of irony like these. Some people told me they found the one after they got married. We’re in a world where there’s always smarter, nicer, sexier people around you. But marriage is a commitment, and you never know what the married man is really thinking.
    Thanks for stopping by.

  12. happybunny says:

    Love sucks.
    Ive been seeing this man for six months now – we’ve ended it it several times but end up getting back together. There is an age gap. I know that he is genuine – I know that he does genuinly love me as much as I love him. And I know it has no happy ending – but I know that one way or another he will always be some part of my life – As mcuh as he left footprints on my soul I left my footprints on his.
    I know that if things were different we would end up happily ever after. But lifes a bitch and circumstances are wrong. At one point I know he would leave her for me, but I would never ask him. We’re the same – we do everything for everyone else – we live lives for everyone else and put them first. And so i would never ask him to hurt his wife (as much as i know she hurts him) or his son (who is more or less my age) or his family – and he wouldnt ask me to hurt my family who would disown me.
    I spent all saturday crying my eyes out – because i know it wont work – and how lifes a bitch – beacuse the timing was wrong etc – generally feeling sorry for myself.
    But fate can be sooooo cruel!!!!

  13. Hi, happybunny.
    Life can be a bitch. I could tell you to move on and forget about him, because he could obviously never make you truly happy, but it’s really hard to do. It’s important for you that you gain a little love for yourself now. It will be easier to accept this situation if you do so.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  14. I just happened upon this post and I had to admit the nervousness I feel everytime I even think about this topic. I have a close friend who I love dearly who is involved with someone else’s husband and can’t seem to pry herself away from the situation. All I can see is disaster from the situation but I do understand that the addiction is strong and real. I don’t think any less of her of course. But I must say it’s a very real fear I have as a woman to become “The Wife @ home” ..

    I’m sure people have their reasons, they always do.. And I try to always be objective. I try.

    But there’s always that blinding fury with a situation like that.

    Tough stuff… thanks for the read

  15. Hi JEMi,

    Of course, it’s difficult not to feel infuriated by this, especially when you’re married. But everyone has always a good reason for doing something we consider wrong, and feelings shouldn’t be ignored. I wish everyone didn’t fall into such a difficult triangle relationship, but that’s impossible, I’m afraid.

    Thanks for reading.

  16. Confused213 says:

    I was actually searching for some help. I met a guy at work. I didnt even think about talking with him, just because I was there to work. He pursued talking to me, then I found out he was married. He didnt offer the information, and doesnt wear a ring. He then confessed that he wasnt happy with her. He started waiting for me after work and we talked a lot, for an hour or two after work. I started developing feelings for him and he with me. I cried a lot because i KNOW its wrong, and was so confused that I was feeling this way for a married man. I’ve been the other woman before, only once, years ago. I thought he would leave his wife like they said, but it never happened. I was in love that time, and got so hurt by the affair. I vowed to never do that again, and then I find myself attracted to this guy. I’m glad I found your post, it really helped me. And I am so glad we arent working together anymore, so I can move on. I put myself in his wifes shoes and it made me sick. I would hate to be her and thats what gives me the strength to know that cutting off ties is the best. Thanks agian!

  17. inluv says:

    I am in love with a man who is in a committed relationship. He is not married but he has a child with this woman. However, I’ve been told they are having relationship problems and she actually moved to a different city last month. I understood that she’d left him and so I made a move on him. To my surprise, he said they are still together. He is also my boss and has an ethical duty to not enter into a relationship with me until after my apprenticeship period is done. So, despite the fact that now I am so infatuated, he apparently is not available except to ‘just be friends.’ I know that this is commendable and shows he is a man of integrity – arg, this just makes me think he is more desirable. Unfortunately, off limits to me

  18. Hi Inluv,
    What do you expect from such a relationship? I’m not judging you, I’m just asking. But he is fooling you a little bit, don’t you think? I know how hard it is to fight against our feelings, I just hope this isn’t tearing you down.

  19. mae says:

    Hi there, as the song goes…”it’s so sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.” It’s really hard to control our emotions. Temptation is all around be it to men or women. We all have our choice whether to be happy now with someone whom you know is married or sacrifice the urge of temptation and JUST DIY IT! (winks, hehehe)

  20. Decadent Kitty says:

    Hi there,

    I read your article and found it very interesting. I would value your opinion on my current situation.

    I recently met a man and there was in instant chemistry. He told me he was married and normally that would put me off immediately. However, his wife is currently attempting to cuckhold the man. They are in their fourties and have children but she has started bringing other men into the bedroom. Most recently a 24 year old. And yes, I have checked and he isn’t lying.

    I’m not interested in a long term relationship with this man, the attration is an inspirational sexual one. He is, without question, the most intelligent and creative individual I have ever met. Not to mention extremely physically attractive.

    I do not want to break up his relationship. I mean, I wish he would leave his wife for his own self-esteem but not for me. I have no intentions of ruining a good fantasy by allowing the day to day banality of life’s little rituals that come with a long term partner to take over. I would, however, love to make him feel like the man he is.

    I have a very, very strong urge to book a hotel room and share a long weekend with him.

    As their sexual relationship already involves multiple partners and she appears to treat their marriage vows with utter contempt, do you still feel it would be wrong for me to involve myself with this man? At the moment I have no qualms about being his Mistress. Do you think I should feel guilty?

    Many thanks!

  21. Hi decadent Kitty,

    What do you want from this relationship? Just sex with him, or to be his mistress? If it’s just for sex, you don’t have to feel guilty at all. Even if it’s to be his mistress. But in this case, there are feelings involved, and you should watch out for yourself.

    Take care.

  22. Decadent Kitty says:

    Hi there,

    Thanks for getting back to me!

    I’m only interested in an almost completely sexual relationship with him. Apart from anything, we live very far apart and he has an important job and children that he can not abandon. Nor would I let him. I mean, his wife may be a harpy but his children still need their father to be there for them.

    I say “almost completely” because I do enjoy spending time with him. Generally discussing literature and the arts. He is incredibly knowledgable. But even those discussions are merely protracted intelectual forplay. So again it comes down to sex.

    I’m not hugely worried about hurting my own feelings, as I know exactly what I want from him. I do worry though, that he might not be entirely on the same page as me. I definitely do not want him to become infatuated with me in any other sense than a sexual one. I think that the geographical logistics of any relationship we have will probably take care of that.

    Thanks again!

  23. inluv says:

    I don’t know what I expect of this guy. I often think I expect nothing of him. He’s promised me nothing and has not led me on to any extent. He has said my attentions are flattering but that any man would be flattered. His devotion is to his child. Of course his ‘wife’ has taken off to pursue her career, leaving him to raise their child while running a very busy office. And I recently found out that their child was unplanned and that he had trusted that she was on birth control. So, at the age of 38 she deliberately conceived their child on a pretense to her S.O. and then now she has taken off for her ‘career’. This woman is so frickin irresponsible and selfish she makes me sick. But that’s all beside the point.

    I don’t think he’s in love with her. They don’t live together in the same town. When she was home they didn’t even share a bedroom and this dissolution of the relationship is all within 7 years. However, he doesn’t want to break it all up because he is the product of a broken marriage and I know he doesn’t want that for his child.

    So, I will stand aside and just be in love with him until my apprenticeship is over. Then I move away and try to forget him. Life really sucks sometimes.

  24. inluv, this is so sad and heartbreaking. I can understand he has difficulties to trust another woman after what his wife did to him. You have entered his life in the worst time I think and what you can only offer him is friendship right now, if he accepts it. I would recommend you to be careful with what you feel for him, you could be really disappointed.
    Take care.

  25. inluv says:

    We slept together. This is bad. It’s like the instant I became zen with the idea that we would never be together, he suddenly was all over me and I could not resist. It would have been like resisting food when one is starving. So now I really am the ‘other woman’. I know that I am the only person in the equation who is destined for real disappointment but I almost think it’s worth it.

    How could I live with myself if I had not done this? I would have thought about it forever. I have, in the past, been too shy with guys, and lost out and I don’t want to always regret not having acted.

    I guess his “wife” should expect him to be true to her, but on what premise? She was dishonest with him in conceiving their child in order to loop him in, then when he still wasn’t looped in to her, she left him with the child as a means of punishment.

    They weren’t living together until she got pregnant with this child. So, it is fairly clear that she actually brought a life into this world in order to trap him and when it kind of backfired, in terms of his feelings toward her, she fled and left him holding the bag.

  26. Very recently, I read a similar story but it was different – a married woman, in her fifties fell in love thru’ the net, with a man she had never seen before or was relating to a fictitious name on a blog. Finally they met but did not have sex. Now, after 25 years of marriage and a comfortable life, two grown up and married daughters, she found she was completely obsessed with this new man in her life and could not have sex with her husband any more. Do you think this is only a passing phase or has she finally moved on? Its bizare isen’t it? To fall in love with a fictitious name on a blog? Or is it?

  27. Samasti, this woman just yielded to the greener grass syndrome. And yes, I do believe it’s possible to fall in love virtually.

  28. Intriguing. Will be following yr articles from now onwards 🙂 Keep it up, who knows one day I may end up sharing my part of the tale too ….. for now, I’m comfortable keeping them to myself, sometimes we know some things are wrong, but we simply choose to remain 😦

  29. Pollyanna says:


    I just came across this little blog. Interesting comments. I’m gay. Everyone runs away. LOL I am very moral for a gay man. I don’t approve of infidelity at all – married or not. There are a lot of married men out there looking to shack up with other men. Seriously. I was shocked myself. “Oh it’s not betrayal, adultery – it’s not like sleeping with another woman,” they say. No – it’s worse I say. At least with another woman the poor wife can compete.

    Anyway, I am sailing along contented. Then I am in in chatroom one day having a carry on and a laugh. I get talking to this man. I always ask – “are you married ?” If they say they are, I tell them to talk to their wives, a marriage guidance counsellor or a psychiatrist and leave me alone. But I am talking and having a laugh with this man. Then I say how nice he seems – not like filthy lying cheating scum bags that usually haunt the place. “Oh Polly (not my real name 😉 ) I am a married man.”

    “WHY me ?!” I ask want to tell him to piss off. But he is nice, so I keep talking. He’s married 12 years with four children. Tells me he is not bisexual, he is gay. But always fought it. His wife was the first and only person he had slept with for eight years. Then he ‘tasted the forbidden fruit,’ and realised he could know something with another man that he could never know with a woman – and he said it was on the emotional level. All I can think about is his poor wife and the four children – being the sap I am. But he has told his wife – and that piece of news hit the marriage like a Katriona. The trust is obliterated. We talk, I try to support and console and really try to get him to work it all out to the best – for the sake of the children at least. And while this is going on, I find myself bonding on a very deep level. Oh oh – run away. But it’s too late. Nothing happens though. He has a wife and with the wife I can see one of my sisters. If someone did that to a sister of mine, I chop his nuts off, shove them down his throat and choke him stone dead. And I am pacifist. LOL When friendship becomes something more – is it time to call it a halt and close the door ? I tried everything to try and get him to work it out with his wife. But understandably she is devastated. She wants a divorce. A beautiful woman who could find another man very easily. He is very good looking too. Even they did divorce and there was a possibility to explore something then. There is so much baggage – I think it would flounder faster than the Titanic. I just wanted to go and have a joke and a laugh. It lucky find someone decent and available. This happens. Should I close that door and keep myself available for mister available ?

    Advice appreciated. We’re all human and we all feel the same things in these situations. We are all great at giving advice – but the worst at taking it.

    I wonder if bromide in my tea would solve it 🙂 LOL

    take care folks.

  30. Hi pollyana,
    First of all, I can’t stop giggling at your story! Sorry, sorry, I wasn’t supposed to 😦
    Bromide in you tea is never a good idea. I’m not convince it will work anyway.
    Your guy would come with a lot of baggage in this relationship if it started, but why refrain yourself? Maybe you should listen to your inner voice. Yeah, I know, there are different voices that speak to you right now, the key is to find the one that is the louder one. Now they’re divorced, what’s the problem? It’s not like you come wrecking a couple.
    And also, what do you expect from him?

    Take care too!

  31. Mayra says:

    I was in this same situation dating a married guy for 2 years. I´ve never felt that bad. It´s been a while since I left him. It costs a lot of tears. But in the end what costs more will give you better rewards. Leave him is the best thing I´ve ever done…and I´m starting to smile again. I guess I diserve a lot more than this pain.

  32. lot says:

    I am currently involved with a married man. We’ve been together for almost four years now and I am already thinking of leaving him. I got pregnant before and he told straight to my face that he didn’t want my child and he wants nothing but to see it dead. That’s what he keeps telling me during my two and a half months of pregnancy until I was forced to abort my baby.

  33. Mayra, such relationships bring a lot of pain. I’m glad you’re over it and feel relieved about it.

    Lot, that’s so sad. You have no future with him, maybe you should leave him, depending on what you want from him and what he can offer you.

  34. Pollyanna says:

    Oh Modobs, you’re pure evil, laughing at my trauma 😉

    I call his ‘baggage’ ‘shit mountain’ – a mountain that will bury all of us. It’s all very tragic. Looks like the divorce is becoming a reality. But the bottom line is – do we not deserve better ? Feelings are transient things. Though a transient heart ache can seem to last a life time. The man is competely lost at this time. Trying to do his best to sort things for the kids etc. His wife told him if it had been another woman, she might have been able to get past it and forgive. You find that with gay. bisexual men. They excuse themselves going with other men

  35. Pollyanna,

    I know, I know about my devilish mind 😉

    Indeed, that’s a huge baggage. It’s never easy to deal with that. Your man is now under the culprit of his acts, being lost in it, I don’t know how he will react and which measures he will take to sort that out. Excusing themselves going with other men? That’s very flattering for the other men….
    Love or whatever should be a light feeling, Pollyanna. If it’s too complicated, try to avoid getting hurt in it.

  36. Pollyanna says:

    Hi Modobs

    You are right. It’s insane to become more involved in something like this. It does not bring real happiness. Living for stolen moments or hoping for something ‘more’ at some future time, while life passes you by. Then ten years down the line you look at the same person and think, “WHAT THE HELL did I see in that ?!” lol It is very complicated. And it’s not making me happy. I have to get myself out of it – away from it.

    Forget the second hand emotion, ‘love’. It’s back to being a ‘private densa’ 😉 lol

    Laughing – but it’s not funny. It’s difficult. But it has to be done.


  37. Alysia says:

    I read this with great interest. Hope the discussion is still alive? Anyway, I am 35 and involved with a married man. I meet him through a seminar at work, he is 50. He claims his marriage is dead and has been so for the last 10 years. He and his wife lives in separate bedrooms, he says, and they have two children moving out to study, and one still living at home. He works in another town than he and his wife has got they’r house, so he only sees his family once a week or less. He says he is thinking about a divorce and that they have been discussing it several times, and what stops him is the one child still living at home.

    We have had a great relationship for 4 months…and if he were to be single, I would marry him instantly.

    Now before the summerholiday I will tell him that I have had a great time with him, that I am serious, and a relationship-kind-of-woman, so the only right thing for me to do is to say bye-bye, until he eventually get single. I guess he will not divorce hos wife, because the stastistics say they never do.

    I hope I will meet a great single guy…

  38. Hi Alysia,

    No, this discussion, like every other one on this blog, is always open.
    From what you said, the guy will not leave his wife. He seemed too attached to the comfort of his marriage. It’s understandable. Try to put yourself in his place: would you leave home for good for a passion that will fade away? Remember that we’re hardly ourselves in the first months of a relationship, because of infatuation.
    I’m sorry for you.
    I’m sure you will meet a great single guy.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  39. Prairiefloozie says:

    This has been an interesting read because I am alot older than most of the posters. I am 58 and single, been married twice and been in a few serious relationships with single men and a few with married men over the years…they were short term…a few months or a year or so.
    Recently I have been in a relationship with an old friend and boss. Over the years we joked about going to the “hotel….no tele”, but never did for over 25 years. I know his wife and have met socially for years.
    For many years he would call me and say so-in-so was in town (a salesman or old friend). A few months ago we went out because “someone” was in town…and it had been a few years since we had gone out, but not seen each other.
    At the end of the evening he said…..”I would really like go to home with you”. I laughed because we have been talking about the “hotel….no tel” for years. I asked him if he was serious and he said YES. That was April…now it is July.
    He calls and talks 2-3 times a week and we get together when….once a week at least, if not 2. There are nights he stops for a drink and NO…. there is no sex.
    We are good friends….. and have sex. I know what is going on in his life and his mine……. we are old friends. I have no illusions he is going to leave his wife and would not want him to. I do not need him. Do I love him? I love him as a friend
    NOW …………. my daughter has gotten involved with a married man. He has children and……………….I have tried to explain to her that that is a whole different ball game.
    I have post menapasual hormones!!!!!!

  40. Hi Prairiefloozie,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. This is such a delicate subject and you have reason mentioning that your experience is a different ball game than your daughter’s one. She really can be hurt in this one, if she expects too much of it.

  41. was here, visiting again. been a fan of this blog since my first visit. 😉 this post really caught my attention.very true. can relate on this one. 😉

  42. confused says:

    I was friends with my boyfriend 4 years ago we worked 2gether, at that time we also crushed each other. So we hung out at parties until one day he broke news 2 me that he was married… So im like damn i was just wishing we take it 2 other level like sex. Then he tells me that he is working on his devorce. Something i dnt understand was how he would always be at my house everynite. He said bdcause their not together anymore. Here it is 3years later and still no devorce

  43. Hi Confused,

    Married men rarely divorce from their wife when they have an affair. Don’t get stuck in this love triangle. It will do you no good.

  44. stilldepressed says:

    Drunk American is right. I think there are women who like being in control because a married man must lie and feel shameful for his actions. She can use this to manipulate and control him. I base this not on research, but sad experience.
    I fell in love with a woman who was my wife’s best friend. She said she loved me, and I swear I was head over heels. She was cute, intelligent, gentle but strong. After months of hiding it from my wife, she told her. I was mad, not because she told, but because I didn’t. Pathetically, I felt like my chance at some vague code of honor had been lost. (As if screwing my wife’s best friend didn’t already kill that). But my point is that I soon found out my “true love” had actually approached several other married men and even screwed some of them as one night stands in the few years, even weeks, before we got together. I still feel betrayed, selfish, weak, confused, vulnerable, etc. I’m not sure if she’s a sociopath or what. She cut her hair like my wife’s, exchanged clothes with her, shared recipes with me, asked me to help her with miscellaneous odd jobs, started gardening when she saw me out in the yard gardening, and other things that seem like the “10 Ways to Steal a Married Man” approach to dating. I have never escaped the feeling that she used me for her own needs (And I probably did that a little of that too.) But I loved her and it took me two years before I could quit thinking about her everyday. It’s been 3 years now and I am still baffled by it, which is strange considering how I view myself as a centered, intelligent, and compassionate person. But I still haven’t fully recovered. I don’t know why she did it, but I know why I did. I was lonely and I’m anything but a loner. I wanted her to seduce me, I wanted her to want me. I enjoyed having someone want me so much they would even do horrific things to “win” my love, which she did. But it was wrong and hurtful to everyone in my life who I love. Why would this happen? I know other women have found me attractive and interesting, but never acted on it. But this one did, and I did too. I know that I will never fully recover. I’m still confused. It’s so horrible that my wife and I had to move 2,500 miles away to run from the shame and pain. But it’s not far enough.
    But my gut tells me she knew all along what she was doing. I feel like she took her time and “researched” me through her friendship with my wife. When she got in on the marriage secrets, she used them to get inside my heart. But I can’t prove it, I can only suspect it. Damn…I can still remember touching her for the first time, kissing her, feeling her breath. She gave me books, and tapes, gave my wife things, it’s like she’s a witch who knew how to keep me in her mind, to confuse me by looking like my wife but acting even better. Damn damn damn. I don’t know why I’m stuck on it. It could be because of what I did to my wife, it could be because I didn’t go with my lover. It could be because I discovered things about myself I don’t like, or it could be a combo of these things.

  45. Hi stilldepressed,

    I find your story very touching. I can’t tell if your wife’s friend and ex-lover is a witch. With what you describe about her, she only sounds insecure to my eyes. She tries to get loved by mimicking you, your wife, and probably the other men she slept with. This is how she is, but that doesn’t make her a witch. You have to try to understand she has a problem loving herself, and that’s why she made so much damages in people’s life like yours. Maybe this will help you to move on from her.
    You’re still feeling guilty about what happened with her. We all make mistakes. But you can learn a lot from your mistakes. You yielded to what is called limerence/infatuation with her. Everyone, including the Nobel Prize of Economy, can make a fool of himself because of this. So, don’t blame yourself for that. Besides, in the relationship you had with your lover, love was one-sided. You are co-dependent on her. Co-dependence is an addiction, and like every addiction, you need to hit the bottom to get out of it.
    So, I can only advice you to gain a little more self-esteem for yourself. And take baby steps for recovery.

    Take care.

  46. Natasha says:

    I am a girl who had a relationship for 8 months with a co-worker who was engaged, he thought being 35 and single he needed to get married for his family and friends (culture issues), they fixed him up with a girl in a different country, we shared beautiful times and experiences that at the beginning they were not planned. I fell for him and he fell for me. I never asked him to drop the engagement but it was obvious what I wanted, towards the end given that he involved many people, his family and priests he did not have the guts to break it off. After a month of marriage he wanted to know if I still loved him, which I do. However he really has no courage to leave the situation. His friend kicked him out of the house where he lived in with him (the girl is still in the foreign country) once my guy confessed his situation and how he was not happy. The lack of support from his friend has confused him as to now not being sure what to do, it seems like he is looking for someone’s support a friend but they all blow him off, except the female friends who tell him to get divorced. I can’t take the situation anymore and though we are not messing around now am obviously still emotionally involved. I really feel that this man could be the one but the fact that he uses his fears as an excuse to not fix the situation makes me very angry. I forgot to mention that he told his now wife that he had a relationship with me for 8 months and that he was not happy with her, but the girl told him they should work it out, I guess he wanted her to say it was over to make it easier on himself. Any advice is helpful. Thanks.

  47. Hi Natasha,

    I understand how hard it is for you and your co-worker right now. Unfortunately, there’s a cultural dilemma that torturing him, and you have to understand his fear of being banned forever from his family and even friends for choosing you. It would be easier for him if he stays with his wife, even if it doesn’t make him happy. Frankly, I don’t know what he will choose. This is a hard decision for him. And I’m sorry for you if it’s tearing you down.

  48. Keeshawn says:

    I have a serious dilemma, I met the greatest gentleman ever. The downside is that he works with me (but he has changed jobs so we dont see eachother at work hardly) and he is also married with kids he does not wear a ring and I didnt know. One morning I got the nerve to ask and I was crushed instantly. There is a strong attraction between us, but we have not acted on he flirts with me and says things about sex, but i think he is just joking around. He knows im single, he gives me great advice on everything. He always listens and I listen to him too our friendship is getting stronger. I want us to always remain friends. Sometimes I wish he wasnt married and that we were together. I have a thing against dating married men, I dumped someone 6 months ago because he lied to me. What should I do? I feel this guy is my twin flame.

  49. Hi Keeshawn,

    What should you do? You have two options, either to stay away from him, either to pursue a relationship that will only cause you mental anguish and some disappointments. It’s up to you. Is he just playing with you, or does he have feelings for you? If it’s the first answer, then, don’t waste your time with him. If it’s the second, you have to prepare yourself to see him acting cowardly with you and his wife. Don’t wish too much from all of this, you’re gonna be heartbroken otherwise.

  50. Georgia says:

    I am just writing a comment to something that was left by confused213 left 12 December 2007. I was in the exact situation. I got close to a guy I worked with and ended up with feelings for him and he felt the same. Believe me, it was the last thing I wanted to happen, but couldn’t help how we felt but it wasn’t a sexual relationship at all. We just talked and grew closer. We fell in love before anything sexual happen so I knew it wasn’t just a fling.

    I thought about his wife and know it was wrong and maybe should have kept away and let him sort out what he wanted but I am a believer that you shouldn’t be with someone if you don’t love them because that’s not being true and his ex now has a chance to be with someone that feels the same about her. To be honest, it would really hurt me knowing I was with someone that didn’t love me. He did leave his wife and we did get together and it’s now been 10 months.

    I don’t justify a married man or woman wanting to be with their wife/husband but wanting a man/woman on the side and I know this does happen which is a shame but in some other cases it does work out and I know his wife still is hurting and that makes me feel sad but sometimes it happens and can be the best thing in the end for everyone concerned because my partner was getting depressed with his life and started drinking every night so surely his life is important too and by him leaving her gave them both the opportunity to get on with their lives.

    I am not saying what confused213 did was wrong, but sometime it does work out and there are decent men out there. It is not advisable to seek married men, but I couldn’t help being drawn to him. If he loved his wife, I wouldn’t have let this happen.

  51. Hi Georgia,

    Of course, sometimes, a situation like yours can work. But this is also a situation where you can get fooled and hurt a lot. There’s no universal rule. Thanks for sharing your view.

  52. Mrs. H says:

    I am a month out of a relationship with a married man. I too am married, but unhappily. He was an old friend of mine that I found through facebook. He pursued me, calling me repeatedly where we would talk for hours, asking to see me, etc. He admitted to me that he’d always had feelings for me but was afraid to tell me because he didn’t think I would reciprocate. (he was right, I actually knew he liked me but I was interested in other people and didn’t encourage hime). Initially, I told him I wouldn’t see him face to face because I could feel the sexual tension between us when we just talked on the phone and I didn’t want to destroy 2 families. I knew the attraction between us was there now and it was mutual and I was concerned about what might happen if I was alone with him. He persisted and I did meet him. Although I never thought I would do something like this, I allowed myself to get involved with him. Initially we agreed there would be no expectations. Things took off very quickly, he was very sexually aroused by me and we had sex. However, after several weeks, he told me he loved me, that he always had, and I admitted that I was feeling the same. He told me I was “everything” to him and “the whole package” and that had he known I was available when he asked his wife to marry him, he wouldn’t have gone through with marrying her. We got together a few times after that and while I didn’t feel guilty, I did start to question what I was doing. I was really disappointed in myself and this helped me begin to try to understand why I would do something I never believed I was capable of doing. I was also very concerned about our affair being discovered and ruining my relationships with my 2 adult daughters. Within a short time, his wife discovered an online message I sent him and was able to confirm we were involved. They talked and decided to “work things out”. I confessed the affair to my husband but told him that I’d realized that the reason I’d allowed myself to get involved with this other man was because I wasn’t happy and that I was just staying married because we still have 2 younger children together. So, while I wouldn’t recommend having an affair and I wish I’d known now that most married men don’t leave their wives for their mistresses, this whole thing gave me some serious clarity. I would suggest, to anyone considering having an affair, WAIT, think about WHY you would do that and then, either try to fix what’s wrong with your current relationship or leave it before pursuing someone else. Even considering having an affair is a big red flag that something is wrong with your current relationship.

  53. Mrs. H says:

    I also want to say, I think it’s selfish of a married person to use a person outside of their marriage to get their needs met. They can’t possibly give all of themselves to that person and that’s how all loving relationships should be, in my opinion. Anyway, that’s what I’ve learned, on the “other side”. It’s been a very painful learning process but I’m healing and I actually think I’m better off now. Just wish I could have learned it in a different way!

  54. Hi Mrs H.
    I’m sorry you had to learn that lesson that way. And you’re right taking the time to think about why you want to cheat on your husband. But I don’t totally agree with you. We can fall in love with someone else. It can happen. There are couples who form themselves on the ruins of their respective relationship. Remember that love is subversive. That is said, if there’s something wrong in your couple, you have to be honest with your partner and see how you can cope with that, before it’s too late. Thanks for stopping by.

  55. Brutus says:

    My brother in-law seduced me after having a few drinks. He complained to me that he doesn’t get enough bedroom activities. I refused to go further but I told him that I had feelings for him and I could not go further either. He then told his wife that I was trying to seduce him (which was completely inaccurate). His wife is a relative of mine. I felt betrayed. He told his wife that I am trying to wreck his relationship with his wife. He told everyone, the neighbors, his parents and sisters. WTF is wrong with this guy? Whatever the answer is, I do not give a F anymore. Any thoughts?

  56. Hi Brutus,

    What a douche! I’m sorry for you. I may have an advice for you. Try to record him the next time he will try to hit on you. I don’t know why, but I’m sure he will come back. Since it’s his words against yours, it’s better for you to watch your back.

  57. Hello.
    If all the others who replied to this post just happened to bump accidentally to this site, my case is different.
    I am really looking for somewhere where I can read and find the answer to my question, “Is it really possible that a man can love two women both at the same time?” You may ask why. It is simply because I happen to be a woman in ,ove with a married guy.
    You can be very quick in passing your judgment, that’s okay coz everybody is entitled to his own opinion. But if you would like to know my story, thank you, I’d appreciate that.
    I am a 35-year-old single woman who happens to establish a different kind of friendship with a co-worker. I met him 3 years ago. Although we are working in the same company, we belong to different sites. 3 years ago, he was deployed to our site for a new project. It happened that I was assigned to that project also, so that He (Tigger) and I spend most of the day together. Eventually we became friends. During that time I was in a very rocky relationship with my long-time partner (Brutus) who was philandering with his 5th girlfriend (5th since we lived together). I was very devastated and depressed that time coz, I, literary build my world around Brutus then. The relationship was ending that time.
    Tigger, perhaps due to his curiosity, was intrigued by the “mystery” behind my bruised arms (due to arguments between me and Brutus that most of the time would become physical), fluffy eyes (due to crying), and the never-ending tears that would just fall from my eyes each time I am left all alone in the room we occupy in the office (he caught me several times).
    One day Tigger shared with me a very personal and sensitive information about himself and his married life. I was not able to help myself but also shared my current situation with him. From then on, we shared thoughts, problems, depressions, and he would even let me cry (unlike other friends that would always tell me to stop and let go and move on, as if it’s very easy to do) and he patiently listens to me. We went on like that for a month. Then we just became comfy with each other and were already comforting each other literally. Nobody mentioned about any committment or strings attached…it just happened.
    When the project was done, he went back to his site and went home to the wife.
    But from then on, everytime he came over to our site, we pick up from where we have left the last time we were together. It has become a routine but still nobody mentioned about us having a relationship or committment.
    Recently, things changed between us. We are now acting and being very receptive of the fact that there is an US and we are beginning to call it a relationship. We talked about US, we talked about our feelings, how we see each other, what we want for each other, and the worst thing (if it’s not the BEST) that happened was we found ourselves telling each other “I love you”. This we haven’t done ever since we started having that odd relationship (we even just call ourselves “friends with benefits” then). This time around, we are up to a higher level. We are now very expressive of our feelings for each other and it seems like we have accepted the fact that we are a couple and there is an US.
    I don’t like that. Don’t take me wrong! Of course I love him, I know I do. I am in love with him. And I know that I am special to him, too. I know I am not just an ordinary woman for him…for all he has done for me, for all he has shown me, and for how he made me feel, and treated me even in the office and in front of all the others who knows he is married, I know for sure that he finds me special — if not he is not in love with me. I am hoping he loves me truly, but there is always a thought in the back of my mind that tells me…perhaps he is not really in love with me. Coz how can he be, when he loves his wife, too. But, unfortunately, and stupid I may be, there is that hoping that he is true to what he said, when he told me he loves me. We have been sharing a lot of plans lately (leaving his wife, of course, is not among them coz i wouldn’t ever ask him to do that or expects him to do that).
    Why don’t I like this? I don’t because, I am a head-over-heels lover. When I fall in love, I give everything and love without limits. I love even when I am pained. I love even when I am hurt. Loving for me is sahring my life with the person I love. I know I shouldn’t be expecting anything from him, but I am scared. My fear lies on the fact that I may not be able to recover this time. I’ve been through hell and now, again, I am on its edge.
    You know what? All I want to know is, does he really love me? He told me yes, I should not doubt coz I should have known it by the way he treats me and by the fact that he has not gone away from me ever since. But I am stubborn, I have sort of lost faith in men since Brutus. But Tigger is different. He makes me feel special again. “Is it possible to love two people both at the same time?”, I asked Tigger, and he said, “You might not believe me, but, YES.”
    Is it really possible? Do you think he really loves me?
    I know I sound very pathetic. Yes, I am coz here I am again, in love and handing over my heart in a siler platter.
    What am I going to do?

  58. Damsel, I’m not an expert, but Francesco Alberoni is, and he says that it’s possible to love two people at the same time. Even if Tigger loves you, you know that won’t be enough. What do you want from him, Damsel? Do you want him to leave his wife?
    Take care

  59. Modobs,

    What do I want from Tigger? Difficult question.
    To be honest?
    NO, I don’t want him to leave his wife, I did not ask him to do that. In fact, I think I am very understanding and considerate with him on that. But I will be a hypocrite if I am going to say I have not considered thinking about that. Of course I have, many times. Perhaps my subconscious self longs for that time to come when he is all mine. Nevertheless, the sane and concious self has not done nor asked anything like that from him.
    Most of the times, I ask myself that question, what do I want from him? What can I get from him? Of course I get to be loved, I get the satisfaction of feeling needed and cared for. But then, again, just for a while. All the good times that we enjoy have limits. And I hate thinking about that.
    I am currently hurting coz I love him too much. I am feeling the pain of loving him. It hurts and I think I just can’t stop loving him. I know that at some point I really have to but how can I when all I know and all I see is him.
    It’s so frustrating.
    Am I still a normal person? (Grrr! I am so stupid!)

  60. Damsel, if your subconscious is haunting you with this kind of questions, it’s obvious that you wish more of this relationship. It’s normal! When we are in love, we ask our significant other for some sacrifices. And yours are clear: you want him for yourself, and only for yourself. Sooner or later, you will have this discussion with him. You’re not stupid, you’re just in love. Remember that love is an illusion, and that it’s not rational. Hence, your impression to feel stupid. You have two options: stop asking questions or ask him the question. It’s not simple. But you shouldn’t feel bad about this.

  61. start says:

    “42% of marriages end because of the greener grass syndrome?”

    Hun, how did you come up with such an un-researched statistic? I mean, where did you find that number? It seems much too high! I think only about 5% of married men, who cheat on their spouse, end their marriage. That’s when they fall in love with another woman. The rest who cheat are very comfortable with the way things are. Wife at home, woman on the side. If she starts to demand he divorse his wife, he’s going to end things with her and find another lover. He’d give up a mistress much sooner then he’d give up a wife. That’s a well documented fact! Most men cheat, only a few walk away from marriage. So, unless you mean the cases where a wife catches her husband with a lover and decides to end the marriage, I don’t see where you can be getting such a hugh number. Can you explain?

    “Do you know how many female black widow murderers turned when their husbands were involved with other women or women were pursuing their husbands??”

    And how do you “pursue” someone who is NOT INTERSTED which is what they are supposed to be, right? After all, they’re in a commited relationship. If they are interested, you have to ask yourself, who’s pursuing whom? Sure a woman can flirt with a married man, but keep in mind that not every woman who flirts with a married man, wants a piece of him. People have different interpretations of what “flirting” means some say it’s when she laughs at his jokes and smiles and makes eye-contact. Well, where the hell are you supposed to look when talking to him? Are you supposed to draw your eyes to the floor? If he’s telling a funny joke or interesting story, are you supposed to “not laugh”? Please, someone teach me how to do that so that next time a married man cracks a joke I can keep a straight face! Otherwise, he might assume I am “pursuing him”. Then, there’s also a more agressive and sexually suggestive type of flirting. In which case a woman makes it clear what she wants from the guy. In which case I would say she’s making serious moves on some woman’s husband but it’s still up to the man to respond. It always takes two to tango.

    I am the type of flirt that laughs at funny jokes, smiles at people and makes eye contact. Somehow it still put me in a category of “women who pursue other women’s husbands.” I don’t know how I managed to end up here. I have no desire to sleep with other people’s husbands. Yet, I’ve had one married man ask me out again (I already turned him down previously for obvious reasons) why he believes he has a chance with me is a complete mystery to me. And another guy, twice my age, whom I only saw as nothing more than a service person, asked me out on a date when I rejected (he’s married with kids too) he got desperate and asked me if it’s better idea if he came over to my place to spend time with me.
    Both of these incidents happened within 3 days before my birthday. So, on my birthday I stayed home by myself, sobbing in my pillow because I was angry at these men and at myself. I mean what gave them the F-ing right to think that I was some sort of slut? I don’t cross the lines which I am not supposed to, I don’t dress slutty, I don’t stand around on some street corner at night. So, WTF? Maybe they assume that since I don’t tell them what I do for a living, but always have money, they assumed I earned it by sleeping with men. I was also mad at myself because I felt that me being a nice and friendly person somehow always gets me in trouble. I wanted to be alone that day where no one would think I was making moves on their men. The second guy called me three times on my birthday. I ignored the calls. I ended up getting sick to my stomach, throwing up over and over. I know I can completely ignore the other guy but the first one, I rely on him for something very important to my beauty. I wish we could just keep our relationship on a professional level. I don’t want anything more from him. In reality, I secretly hate all men. I don’t want to have anything to do with them or their penises. I’m only friendly and nice because I believe in being civil with people but that’s as far as I want to take it. I don’t need anyone’s company to make me happy.

  62. start says:


    You say you’re in love with him. Ask yourself the following question, do you see yourself falling for another man at the same time? Do you even remotely think it’s possible? That’s your answer.

    Well, sure you can be in love with one man and be attracted to another but you always have stronger feelings for only one of them.

    I was crazy in love with a man at one point in my life and I know that I couldn’t even look at other men in that way. It was crazy how much we had in common and how perfect he was for me in each and every aspect. Even astrologically (Chinese and Western) there couldn’t have been a better match made in heaven. He was all I could see, think about, want. Some confusion happened between us and he no longer wished to stay on speaking terms. I remained in love with only him but knowing that it’s not healthy, I looked for other guys to date. After a long time passes, you can enjoy a company of someone else, you can even grow to have feelings for them but the feelings for that other man are still there. They’re much stronger than feelings for others. I knew that if he were to walk back into my life I would give up any man I was seeing at that point, in a heartbeat. None ever meant as much. That’s why I’ve decided I’m better off alone.

    Your guy has made it obvious who he’s preffering. If he was in love with you, he’d leave his wife. He wouldn’t even tell you, or make you feel guilty for ending his marriage, he’d just know it’s the only right thing to do. That way he can be with you and that’s all that would matter to him. In very rare cases this actually happens. A man can’t imagine his life without a woman. He’s crazy in love and he doesn’t care if he has to move mountains in order to be with her.

    I’m sorry but in sounds like he is playing you. You will find out years down the line. I hope it’s not too late for you at that time. I’d try to look for someone else who’s more available.

  63. OverIt says:

    Finally coming to my senses over my affair. He has lied to me from the very start, and is quite cunning and adept at keeping many secrets from many people. He let me know several months ago that the reason men have affairs is to get away from their nagging, bitching wives, and this came on the heels of my having protested with some humor over his insistence that he leave to go home for the night after we’d made plans out of town at a sweet B&B. He said I was being “dramatic” – and then it was all clear in my mind. In order to stay in his “good graces”, I was expected to keep my damned mouth shut and go along with all his rules. He recently mentioned the “D” word again (Drama) and I thought, “f**k” you buddy. You’ll never encounter any kind interaction with me again. You can live in your fantasy world with all the mistresses you can find. Good riddance. I’m still reeling from the extent of his lies and subtle manipulation of me. These are men who MUST be in control and do NOT care a hoot about anyone but themselves. I hope there is a very nasty place in hell for all of them.

  64. Hi Overit,
    I’m glad you’re over it. But right now, you hate him so much that it must be hard for you to forget about him. Take your time, and ask yourself why he has done this to you. I’m sure the answer you will find would help you to forgive him (a little bit) and move on. You deserve better than this. Prepare yourself for a good encounter.
    Take care.

  65. P. Chin says:

    I am currently involved with a married lover. I will not bore you with the details of the marriage or home life except to say that it is a “don’t ask don’t tell”, silently open relationship. I verified the information given to me with others and found the statements truthful. We go out together in public, we know each other’s friends, and we spend some holidays together. Each of us has our group of trusted friends that know what we are engaged in, some do not care and some do not like it, but all understand it is our decision.
    This is a relationship of casual intimacy. Contrary to popular beliefs, not all of my kind is:
    1. convinced, or even wants, our lover to leave their spouse. If I wanted a serious relationship, I would have one and am not looking to be married.
    2. in love with our lover. Sex is not love. I love, respect and appreciate my lover as I do all my friends- female and male alike.
    3. consigned to seedy motels and sneaking around in the night. With the exceptions of a marriage and the knowledge that this is to remain casual, my relationship is no different from any other dating relationship that involves sex. We spend 2-3 nights a week together, but each sleeps in their own bed.
    4. collecting married lovers like trading cards. This is the first for me and would not be at all without independently proving the information provided to me to be honest.
    5. emotionally void, broken, damaged or immature. I do not fear intimacy, and am very emotionally balanced with a great self-knowledge. I simply prefer not to have the romantic entanglements of a serious relationship.

    Thank You.

  66. Dear modobs:

    My name is Leora Trub and I am a student in the Clinical Psychology Ph.D. Program at The Graduate Center of the City University of New York (CUNY). I am conducting a study of the reasons that people blog and what benefits it brings, which at this point are still largely unexplored in research studies. I am therefore reaching out to you as a blogger who can help deepen our understanding of this phenomenon. I believe that your voice is an important one to be heard and hope you will enjoy participating in the study. I have developed an online questionnaire that asks about specific aspects of blogging as well as asking about feelings about yourself and others in your life. The survey is a mix of numerical scales and opportunities to reflect in an open-ended format about the role of blogging in your life, and how it has changed over time.

    You are eligible to participate if you are at least 21 years of age and have been maintaining an English-language personal blog for at least six months that you update or visit at least twice a week (on average). Your participation involves completing a confidential online questionnaire. The data will be downloaded onto a secure server to which only I have access. No identifying information, such as your names or address, will be collected, and you will be given the opportunity to be identified by a code name in research reports and to have your blog description changed slightly so it cannot be identified if you wish. In addition, you may choose not to share your blog information, in which case I will not access your blog for any reason after this point.

    The survey takes approximately 45 minutes to complete and participation is completely voluntary. Three participants who complete the survey will be randomly selected by a lottery to receive a $75 cash prize.

    There are no foreseeable risks to participation in the study. Although some of the questions are personal in nature, participation in the study provides an opportunity to think about the role that your blog plays in your life.

    If you have any questions about this research, you can contact me at (732) 407-7928 or, or my advisors Dr. Arietta Slade at (212) 650-5658 or and Dr. Tracey Revenson at (212) 817-8709 or

    The study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of the Graduate School of the City University of New York and meets of their guidelines as well as all state and federal guidelines for research with human participants. If you have any concerns about the project at any time, you can contact Ms. Kay Powell, Institutional Review Board at the Graduate School of the City University of New York (212) 817-7525 or

    In order to participate in this study, I need to send you an invitation through survey monkey. If you are interested, please send an email to from the email address to which you would like the invitation sent. I hope that you will decide to participate and also that you will share it with others if you decide you would like to. Please feel free to contact me with any questions.


    Leora Trub, M.A.
    Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology
    Graduate School of the City University of New York
    365 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10016-4309

  67. soulmate77 says:

    I am in love with a married man. We connected on the internet and became friends. We spent long hours talking and chatting virtually and than eventually transferred to texting and calls, pictures and emails. I knew he was married, but the closer we got, the more difficult it was to fight the attraction we have.

    We have so much in common it is scary. We started calling the similarities “me too” moments. Ive never been a big believer in fate, but this guy is THE one if Ive ever seen a THE one.

    He is very attentive, affectionate and loving. He calls me first thing in the morning and before bed. We talk all day, via phone calls or text and have met several times to go out. We did eventually take the relationship to a more intimate level, and the connection is electric. Every day with him is like a breath of fresh air.

    Sounds great, except he is married. He has one child with this woman but has raised her handicapped child since he was 5. I have tried to keep one foot outside the box and be supportive towards the marriage but she has got to be the laziest most slovenly woman alive. She barely assists in her own childs life, he goes to work, comes home and works in the yard, cooks, cleans, and helps with the other childs homework while she goes to work, comes home, smokes marijuana and goes to bed. I have verified all this information – I SWEAR. It doesnt justify anything but she is horrid. He wont leave because of the children and I am at a loss. We love one another but there is this elephant in the room…

    Needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

  68. Hi Soulmate77,

    At the risk of sounding provocative, you did say at the beginning you connected with him on the internet. What was he doing on the internet? Do remember than some men cope with difficulty with the end of the passion in their couple, and once they got out of the fusion phase of love, they feel a little bit lonely and try to fill this loneliness with something else. I guess you’re his breathe of fresh air too. But he clearly can’t offer you what you need from him. I hope I didn’t offend you. Take care.

  69. Fairly Interesting publish. Couldnt be written any much better. Reading this publish reminds me of my old room mate! He usually kept talking about this. I will forward this publish to him. Pretty certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

  70. distressed and hopeless says:

    I don’t know where to start, this situation is confusing and I don’t want to live anymore. I met this married guy 8 months back and strange but the 1st thing I said to him was “you look like you’re married”, I should have ran then, I should have listened to my internal warning system but I didn’t. He hemmed and hawed about his actual situation and I allowed it I guess because I hoped so badly that he was not seriously attached, instantly there was an intense attraction when we saw each other and I loved the way he looked at me, hindsight tells me it was straight sexual but we both felt the spark. Anyway, I asked him straight out was he married after about 2 wks of conversations and a visit and he said yes. I tried to run then, I stopped answering the phone when he called for a week or so hoping he would stop calling but he persisted, calling twice a day for 9 days until I picked up, I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation and he said well maybe we could be friends, bullshit, I knew it then but I just needed someone so badly in my life and he was so sweet, secretly I liked the fact that he wouldn’t give up…well long story short, I’ve been in HELL every since, he was very attentive the first few months and then I started seeing him less and less, then it came down to not even being able to communicate with him so as to keep suspicion down, then it got to where he just came and went at random and ONLY when he wanted me never ever when I needed him and if I bitched or complained it was “we need to take a break”, the “breaks” came about every other week…somewhere along the line my stupid ass fell in love, I call myself that because I knew better, the warning signs were there and I chose to ignore them and I’m 40 years old and so angry at myself for falling for this crap and allowing my time and emotions to be wasted on this selfish, self centered, cheap (he never bought me anything and all I ever asked for was a teddy bear to sleep with since he wasn’t around), of course we couldn’t go anywhere….I digress….bastard. I’ve literally been crying off and on daily for the past 3 months straight, I need for this feeling to go away, It’s killing me….I feel like I’m sadder without him than with him….and that’s absurd to me also, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I’ve never felt so out of control and hopeless…

  71. Hi, distressed and hopeless,

    You said it yourself, this relationship isn’t going anywhere. But it’s not hopeless. You can always get out of a situation like that.
    I know it is easy to say that, but try to focus more on yourself, rather than him. What do you like to do? What would you like to do? Would you consider giving some of your time to charity or other stuffs like that? Can you share a good time with your friends?
    You’re blinded by your love right now. But love needs to nurture itself. Sooner or later, you will wake up one day and ask yourself who the hell is he. The key is to love yourself more.
    You already have the answers to your confusion. That’s a good start.
    Take care.

  72. distressed and hopeless says:

    Thanks Modobs, that’s another thing, I’m not enjoying the things I normally like to do such as spending time with friends, the only real distraction is work, so I’ve thrown myself into it and my relationships with my coworkers, it helps……thanks for listening

  73. P. Chin says:

    @ “distressed and hopeless”
    First, recognize that you made a mistake, but DO NOT beat yourself up. We all make mistakes.
    Second, have an honest converation with yourself to determine what led to making the mistake; it is possible this will require some professional help, priest, counselor, chocolate. This will not only help in future endevors but will help you see he is not right for you and it will help you heal.
    Third, accept whatever gifts/lessons this experience has given you. This is important, as all experiences bring gifts/lessons to our lives. When we can willingly accept these from experiences both good and less than good is when we grow.
    Finally, move on. And yes if you follow steps 1-3 it really is that easy. I understand the skeptisism curently in you mind as you read this, but I have been there and I know this soullution to be viable.
    Good Luck!

    PS Update on my relationship. Still great friends, and still enjoying the physical benefits of our association. We have had some “discovery situations” that led to a step back and a review of our relationship, but we always come back to our original arrangement because it works for us.

  74. Jaye says:

    Hello! It really helps reading your words on this delicate subject, thank you so much. About three years ago I fell in love with a married man, from work. But I never even let him know how I felt, I knew it was terribly wrong, and it tore me inside to hide my feelings, I even had panic attacks at one point. I loved him for two years, and then the feeling of absolutely needing to see him went away. I still admire him and love him as a person, but I’m certainly not in love with him anymore. Time heals all wounds, they say, and it certainly was true for me. I’m so glad I didn’t act on it, but it was sooo hard. He’s not the type to cheat, so I guess that the fact that he didn’t pursue me made it much easier to stay away from trouble… He did give me a present when he traveled to a foreign country, and he did find any excuse to kiss me in the cheeks, he did find excuses to touch me in some way, but he never made any situation uncomfortable or really wrong. I just wanted to say that, hard as it may be, you CAN resist, and in time you’ll be okay and it will be worth it.

    But I actually am in the middle of yet another situation with a married man. This time is different. I didn’t fall for him at first. I just caught him staring at me way too many times to be normal. We’ve never been introduced, so this situation is very different from the previous one. He always stays at a distance, but he stares, and once I caught him taking my picture with his phone. It’s been over 6 months since this all started and I’ve really become heavily attracted to him. We stared at each other so much that at one point we started saying hello whenever we passed each other on halways, which I guess is weird… He’s a reserved and hard working person, there are no scandals in which he’s involved, and where I work every single scandal is known, and there are many. So many people cheat on their spouses, it’s shocking. He’s not actively pursuing me, so he has no intention of cheating on his wife, but I’m finding it hard to let go of this feeling, I barely eat, or sleep and I think of little else. I know I’ll never have anything to do with him, and I know it’s only a question of time before I forget all about this, I only wish he would make it easier on me, instead of playing this game of ‘one week it’s like he’s all over me, the other he ignores me’. His wife lives in another town and he drives there on weekends, so maybe he just misses his wife during the week and takes it on me. I know it looks like a ridiculous situation, since we’ve never talked, you may think it’s just a product of my imagination, and believe me, sometimes I do too. But I’m not kidding when I say he stares. My biggest doubt is if it’s just a physical attraction he’s feeling, because there are much prettier girls where I work, and he only seems to notice me. I know we’ve never spoken, so it can’t possibly be love, but what I feel for him isn’t just physical, there’s a way about him, like this quiet suffering, this tenderness in his eyes and smile towards me. But sometimes it’s like there’s a wall between us. Either he’s attracted and doesn’t want to cheat or he’s more than attracted and doesn’t want to cheat. Either way he’s not planning on acting on it, so it shouldn’t matter what he feels, but I just NEED to know. I wouldn’t have anything with him while he’s married, not only because I wouldn’t do that, but also because I’m not looking for something just physical, I want someone emotionally available, to be ALL mine. I give myself completely to the person I’m with and I expect the same from them. The thing is I just can’t conceive that his marriage is rock solid if his eyes are wandering… And I don’t see the point of staying married to someone you don’t love. Not even if you have children. I just wish I knew what he’s thinking.

    I’m sorry if I sound like a terrible person, I can’t help what I feel, only what I act on…

  75. billy says:

    HI Modobs,
    It’s “still depressed,” and I have returned occasionally to read your response to my post from two years ago. You are right, I am codependent and need to address that. I have discovered that about myself, my weakness and lying to myself are a major factor in not handling my marriage and the affair in a respectful and humane way. (But all three of us were lying to ourselves actually) I let my wife do things I hated all because I was afraid of losing her and being on my own. And I did things I hated for the same reason. In large part that’s almost certainly why I had the affair while married, i.e. being afraid to end a bad marriage because it meant being alone. Thank you dearly for that insight.
    My wife and I have finally let down our wall and become friends again, ironically through her initiating the healing process by talking openly and honestly about my affair and our marriage. As I lose a love of my life, I am gaining a friend, which is the foundation of a strong marriage. The irony is not lost on me.
    But it’s funny, I’m healing by losing everything as I know it. There will be adjustments, and tears, and questions, but they will all be for a good cause, healing and coming to terms with things on many different levels.
    I now know I can be with neither my wife nor my former lover. Although scared as can be about being alone, that fear is what is at the root of so many self-harming choices I’ve made over the years.
    I did email her after 5 years, a few days ago, trying to make things right and to be honest about our affair. I simply apologized for contacting her and asked her if I could call. But she hasn’t responded in any way, so the closure I seek, of which I felt could only come from her, is now mine alone to deal with. I have spent five years dealing with it in a way that led me to have no friends, no real joy, and looking for ways to find something wrong with anybody and everybody who came into my life. I also have not talked to anyone in depth about my feelings, my thoughts, or my emotions over the whole sad affair. I know those are things people like me need to gain perspective and heal, but I didn’t have them and have had to deal with this alone for all these years.
    I guess in many ways I am writing not just to clear thoughts and express myself, but also so that men who’ve had affairs or women in an affair with a married man can see what it does to the people involved.
    My only advice is this: Be honest with yourself. If you’re attracted to someone other than you’re spouse for whatever reason, tell them and face the consequences. It’s better than building resentment up so that you can use it later to rationalize doing something self-destructive.
    I hope everyone on here has a chance at redemption. And I hope everyone here finds love.

  76. sorceress77 says:


    I don’t normally post on many forums, but after reading this one, I decided to share….because this topic was helpful to me, and maybe my experience can help someone.

    I’m on the verge of beginning a sexual relationship with a married man…

    Now, I’ve slept with married men before. (3) At the time, I was unhappily married myself. The men I slept with, were also unhappily married, and the primary reason, was sex, and a kind of rapport..Working in the Emergency field (I’m a police dispatcher), whether you’re a cop,operator,ambulance tech or firefighter, kinds of sets you aside from the rest of the population. You tend to gravitate towards people that can related to the stresses and schedules,etc…I guess this can lead to sex under certain circumstances.
    My own sex life with my husband was non-existant, ruined by his on-and-off porn addiction. Looking back, I probably needed to feel desirable, and prove that I could please a man. There was lust,and friendship,but nobody had any illusions. Often,after sex we would discuss each other’s marriages and even offer advice and support! I never really felt bad about it, because nobody was out to steal anybody’s spouse. It never came up.

    None of us had intention of leaving our spouses, and there was never any drama or hurt feelings. (Although there was one that, had he declared feelings for me, I might have considered…)


    Almost all of these guys looking to hook up, had a young child or children at home, which killed there sex lives. I’ve heard this from so many guys, that I wasn’t even sleeping with, but who needed to talk to someone.
    My marriage ended several years later, after I had already stopped being unfaithful. To this day, my ex-husband doesn’t know.

    I’ve been divorced, and dating, for a few years now.

    Over a year I met this guy on a dating site, seeing he was a firefighter, we got started email about work and trading war stories. He admitted to being married, and that he was looking for a “fuck friend”. I told him I wasn’t really into that, I was looking for a relationship,etc etc. He didn’t insist,but we continued emailing each other, about work and our personal lives and funny things that happen every day. (Someone reading our emails would have assumed he was writing to one of his buddies.Except, that he probably doesn’t talk about his feelings to his buddies.) He seems lonely somehow,unable to communicate with his wife, who resents his profession (?!) He says I am the funniest, most honest woman he has ever known. He seems to rely on our correspondance somehow. Like he needs me. I’ll admit, it makes me feel good.

    We’ve spoken on the phone a few times, but have never met.

    Lately, in the past month or so, things have taken a turn. Our correspondance has taken a sexual turn. I think I’m becoming infatuated with him. We’ve begun emailing 4-5 times a day. I feel like, I would only say the word, and he would come meet me.
    I’ve had a bunch of disappointments with online dating, but he’s been a constant in my life, for over a year now.

    Tears come to my eyes as I write this…I must be crazy…but I’m not stupid….I think I’m falling in love with this guy. With a married man. I’ve slept with married men before, but now I’m single, and I’ve developed feelings for this one. This wouldn’t be like the others, I couldn’t be content with occasional sex. I ache to “rescue” him from his unhappy home, to love him and make him happy.

    Reading these postings has been like a cold shower…I needed it. A dose of reality. I read all these unhappy stories, and it confirms that married men DON’T leave their wives, and in the RARE cases where they do, there’s still no happy ending. Why would I be any different? Just because I’m falling in love?

    I know I need to cut him out of my life. I’m going to bookmark this page, and reread it when I feel weak.

    Thanks you everyone, for sharing your stories.

  77. PRiNCESS says:

    Just been doing searches for this subject as I’m newly invovled with a married man, my strategy is to drive him wild (which i’m doing a GREAT job of) I don’t want the attactment of love from him as i have my own life, friends, HOWEVER he WILL spend money on me and take me places as thats what I want, just for him to SPOIL ME other than that I’m dating just happen to meet him and we kept talking then he told me after our 1st encounter which included a steamy makeout kissing session, no sex as I he must do the fredricks of hollywood sphill and get the nails, hair and toes done…its all FUN for Me and will remain this way…..and YES Im totally driving him CRAZY…..

  78. Cristina says:

    Somehow… In an insanely ridiculous way, I relate to your blog and most, if not all of the comments left here. I too have been, the other woman. I can’t say that I’m proud of it… but I can honestly say that I have enjoyed the time spent with my partners.

    I’ve been THE OTHER WOMAN… not once, but many times… & it really hurts sometimes… because despite that I enjoy the relationship… in the end… I’m always left alone. He leaves for her… is that fair? No! But if I don’t put a stop to it… no one will do it for me.

    I just want to fall in love… but have been wasting my time with people that don’t deserve my love.

  79. Cristina,
    Have you spent time focusing on yourself, asking you why you keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again? It’s important to know how you work, what are you really looking for in such relationships? I’m not talking here about getting a man, but the real reason why you choose to be the other woman all of the time.
    Obviously, you’re not in peace with yourself. This is the key, Cristina. And you, and only you have the answer to your questions. If it’s too hard for you to do, or doesn’t see where you’re going, try to get help. Friends, family, a therapist, can have a better vision of what’s going on with you, especially when you’re drawn into your emotions.

    Take care

  80. iGoRawrCX says:

    I know this is an old post, but I just recently came across it as I am looking for information about cheating. However, I think you’re missing one type of thief. I fall into the category and I think its easier if I just explain what’s going on.

    My married man is in a marriage that has absolutely NO communication. They got married in August of 2010 simply because she got knocked up (though they had been dating for four years prior to their marriage). Their baby arrived in December of 2010 just about two weeks before I met this man.

    I didn’t intend to become his mistress, and I surely never set out to try and steal him. I was just a friend who was looking to learn his native language and he was looking for someone to teach him more english. Over the time of talking and becoming friends, emotions developed and now we’re in a rough spot.

    He feels nothing for his wife, they fight a lot (so much that she started spending one night every week at her parents). Since she started doing this, their fights have dissolved. He told me they haven’t had any other fights recently.

    He’s mentioned before that they sleep in the same bed, but every night he feels like he is sleeping alone. She doesn’t pay him any attention and she is possessive and controlling. So of course the “other woman” would seem to allow him more freedom and escape the tight restrictions placed by his wife. He works, then comes home; works, then comes home. He doesn’t hang out with his friends and I kind of supported him in the idea of hanging out with friends after work. So of course I seem more liberal and trusting than her in his eyes.

    He doesn’t feel any love or desire from his wife aimed at him. She hasn’t once this year told him she loves him, nor have they had sex in almost a year (about the time she got pregnant). (Granted, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here and choosing to believe him when he says this).

    As a psychology student in my last 25 hours of university credits before I can graduate, I have learned a lot of things about relationships. One opinion I have formed is that sex is VERY important in a marriage. It’s more than just a physical thing for men and women. Women think of sex on an emotional level (when its with someone they love). They need that intimacy to bond and feel connected. For men, its a mental thing (contrary to most people believing guys are just horny and want sex). Sex makes a man feel wanted, desirable, needed, and attractive. If the person they married is rejecting them, how are they going to feel? They have to have that feeling of need. Otherwise the female is just setting herself up for disaster. So, I thoroughly believe that (even being a new mother) it is a woman’s responsibility to make time for the sex. I know it’s old fashioned to say her responsibilities, but it is what it is. A woman holds more power in the relationship than she thinks.

    This lecture aside, people drive their spouse’s to cheat and the way she is treating him makes him want someone else who wants him and needs him. That’s where I come in. I’m exiting a shitty relationship where I don’t feel anything for my partner, and I’m completely honest and supportive of my married man. I want him and he knows it.

    Getting back to the types of women who steal husbands away… I don’t think I quite fit the bill on any of them.

    I love my married man. I didn’t fall in love with him BECAUSE he was married. I fell in love with him because I see a man who really works hard for his family (even as ungrateful as the woman is). He hasn’t cheated on his wife yet (again, benefit of the doubt). I didn’t want to take him away at first. But I feel like I can do so much more for him than her.

    However, in this situation, I know that I can neither steal him nor end his marriage without their consent. I don’t want anymore from him than his love, and I know that it can end someday. He may choose to be with her and work things out, and in that case I will be okay because I just want him happy. But part of me still hopes that he will leave her for me, though I’m not willing to bet money on this option.

    I don’t know where I fit on your types, but I’m kind of a mix of two.

    Also, I don’t understand why mistresses would send you hate mail. They know they’re a mistress, they know what the world thinks of them. They don’t have a right to be upset for people thinking low of them.

    But I do dislike the people who fault the mistress. If the marriage was a great relationship, the man would not want a mistress. I think women who have had their men stolen from them need to reevaluate their relationship and find out why the man wanted another woman instead of just being angry and blaming the mistress for her marriage’s failure.

  81. brutus says:

    After a few months of trying to get a closure from my brother-in-law, I can finally move on. I blamed myself for putting my emotions at risk with this horn dog. Now that I am over him and started seeing other guys; however, my brother-in-law seems to be a bit jealous and he won’t stop calling me.

    I do not want to destroy his relationship with my sister, nor do I want any Jerry Springer scandal. This time I told him that I am not attracted to him anymore and that he will have to pay me million dollars to sleep with him.

    Karma works when you least expect it.

  82. trying to forget says:

    am so glad i have found this page. coz somehow i need pour out all what i have keeping inside for so long.. i am involved with a married man for four years now… way back 7 years in my college years we started sending sms..calls but havent met. 2-3 years we dont have we stopped the communication. i forget him becoz i am so much busy with my studies. month after i graduate. trying to organize my things i found his no in my diary.. i tried to call and to my surprise the no. was still working. then he called back.. to make the story short. thats the start of our relationship.
    we met.first meeting i lost my virginity with him. he is 48. i am 25. he told that he and her wife were separated.. after 3 mots. i found out that it was alie..he has 3 kids and they THEY LIVING really breaks my heart.and i tried to forget him..bu

  83. trying to forget says:

    ..but i did not succeed.coz i am really inlove with him. my family even my friend dont know him.. our relationship is just between the 2 of the 4 corners of the room. on the 2nd yr of our relationship. i got pregnant…with my discussion i decided to commit abortion becoz i am afraid of what my family would do to me..he said no.but it was decision. after a few months a work in the other country .far from him. but our communication was constant.. i am so much decided to forget him but i cannot. i seemed that i cannot lived without him. and he the same way also. now its been weeks am trying to cut every ties we have.. to calls, i hope i can make it. please advise me.. thank u

  84. Hi trying to forget,

    Well, suspending your contacts with him is the best thing to do if you want to forget about him. But you need to be really careful not to long for him and be tempted to call him again. No SMS, no emails, no Facebook pokes, no twitter, no calls, no letter and avoid crossing your path with him at any cost. If Delete all his contacts details. Delete every gift he gave you, every picture you have of him,… If it’s already the case, you’re on the right path.
    Then, it’s important for you to get supported during this difficult period for you. Talk to a friend, a member of your family or someone you trust about how you feel. But it’s important for you to find this support. Then, if this relationship has done many psychological damages to you, I would advise you to see a therapist to make sure you won’t make the same mistake again. It’s important for you to understand why you fell in love with him. It will teach you a lot about yourself, and bring you peace of mind.
    After that, allow you some indulgences. Laugh, meet new people, try an activity you have always wanted to do but never dared to.

    Take care.

  85. Nancy says:

    Hi, I am seeing a married man with a little daughter. It is a complicated and strange situation because he goes out with me, introduces me to everybody as his girlfriend, but still lives in the house with the wife and daughter. I mean, he does not hide me or our relationship, but it is a very big town. He claims to sleep in the sofa (they all do), and sometimes he actually sleeps in my house. In my town everybody think and know we are a couple since we are very active in our community and I even met her twice. But she is not supposed to know about me, and whenever he speaks with her he calls her my love and whatnot. So it is strange and it’s driving me crazy. I tried to end it a few times but every time I couldn’t leave him. He spends holidays and Sundays with his family, and all other times with me. He even spent her birthday with me last year because he wanted to show me they were not really together but for their daughter. That was the last time I tried to end the relationship because of the situation and with that attitude he convinced me yet again. His parents divorced when he was 8 years old and he doesn’t want his daughter to go through something like that. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. He says he will not leave her but is waiting for her to leave him. Please help.

  86. Hi Nancy,

    This relationship isn’t giving it good to you. You already know it. If it makes you hurt, you have to take a decision for your own good. What do you want from him? Do you want him to leave his wife? It should be very clear to you what you want. If he can’t give you what you want, then accept the consequence.
    Tell him what you want. If he doesn’t reply positively, then end this relationship that will never turn the way you want. Cut all contacts with him. Zero mail, zero phone calls, no facebook, no Twitter,… You see the point. If it’s too hard for you, change your phone number. Never answer your phone when he’s calling. Avoid places where you know you will see him. Then, focus on you. Indulge yourself, talk to a real friend about your problem, let it all out.
    Take care Nancy. Think about your own good.

  87. sysan says:

    This girl pursued my husband at work, i recognize that there was some chemistry, but never enough to make me worry. (after all I have chemistry with other people too, i just don’t act on it). But then, we started having problems in our marriage -regarding having children. Then there she was exploiting the situation, making it worse. turning up to everything..Eventually they started an affair on a ‘work-trip’ that I was not invited to. The affair lasted 5 weeks, luckily long distance he actually only saw her once more. Then he came home, told me about it and then finished it.

    The pain and devastation was awful – i know he deeply regrets it now and would do anything to take it back, ironically if we had not been married i would have left him. It has worked out for us we are happy, have found each other again and are in-love again.

    The girl, claimed to be heartbroken – which I don’t really believe, she acted like a child, becoming frightened when i called her to talk. Ok to go behind my back-but not brave enough to talk to me ‘his wife’ and face the facts.

    He since said amongst other things that she was a diversion from our situation -not an exchange, he didn’t want the whole package with her. He had also told her from the start that he would not leave me. My mind boggles, that you would sleep with a man knowing he is only here because he is having problems with his wife?!

    You should not get involved in other people’s relationships. It can blow up in your face. Better to wait until you are both free and see if it is real.

  88. may i just comment here please? a man who does not respect the vows he made, the wife he chose, doesnt respect her feelings, existene, her family and his, and cheats on his wife, is logically a cheater; means a) he will cheat on his mistress b) he will cheat in any situation c) doesnt think that lying is bad, d) is heartless e) is extremely selfish (have cake and eat it too)… again, logically!

    an unhappy married man, doesnt break up his marriage for several reasons: a) kids b) social and financial reasons or status c) the mistress is not the one as she encouraged the betrayal d) wife has issues he s obliged to take care of her, or best of all is: he is weak!

    a weak cheater is not what any woman needs in her life.

    if a man had the guts to break up his marriage, then a) how does mistress know he will chose her next b) i doubt he will wantto get married again c) the mistress will always fear: wat goes around, comes around…

    the irony here is that there are husbands and wives who dont mind if the spouse has a mistress! so they made a deal, to grow older together, appear on occassions and holidays together but lets cheat! such an environment and such people, i wuldnt advise any girl to get near to!

    if he was amazing person, his wife woyldnt leave him unchained (lol)

  89. SOOOOO confused says:

    I too have gotten myself into quite the dilemma… 5 years ago I met a man who I fell head over heals in love with. At the time he was single. He still lived in the house with his now wife because she was mentally unstable and they had 3 kids to care for, and he is a very devoted father. When we first met, he told me that there was a part of him that would always love his kids mother. They had been together for a number of years before deciding to split up. Over the course of 5 years we had an on again, off again relationship. We live a few hours away from eachother and the distance was hard to endure for obvious reasons. When we would be able to get together the chemistry, the connection… was unreal! Like nothing either of us had ever had before? But the distance caused problems. He ended up trying to work things out with his kids mom a few times, I decided that I wanted to try to see what would happen with my sons father if we tried to work it out. I did this purely for my son? But while I did that, the man I have been so in love with… married his kids mother, thinking that him and I had ended things for good. At the time that I got back with my sons father, I too had felt that things were over… Obviously things did not work out with my sons father… and I did not know that the love of my life had married. Months after my sons father and I split, I got an email from my love (now married) just wanting to make sure I was doing well, and checkin in because he missed me. Despite my efforts to let him go because of now being married, I have not been able to? We email and text often and have seen eachother a few times. We both feel guilty because of his marital status but cant seem to let eachother go? If it hadnt been for the distance with our living situations, and not being able to relocate over the last few years,it would have been me having his last name not her? But now, I am in this dilemma that I do not know what to do. I love this man with every ounce of my being. I will not ask him to leave his children even though I know that him staying with her for the kids is not good… If he decides to leave her, he has to do it on his own without me encouraging him to do so, so that later down the road, he can not hold resentment towards me??? All I want in life is happiness but I cant see my life being happy without him in it? there are times I want so badly to be able to just let him go, but I cant. He is the last person I think about before drifting off to sleep, the first person I think about when I awake… I think about him 24/7… even when I tried dating other men in an effort to see that I can find happiness else where, I was unable to get him outta my head and heart… I feel terrible knowing that I am having an affair with a man who is married… I feel terrible for his wife!?! But denying myself the opportunity to be with him whenever possible would be like denying a person food when they are hungary, water when dehydrated, sleep when tired… Its inevitable, its something I need to live… Which is crazy I know, but it is how I feelI just wish I knew what to do???

  90. Dear Soo confused,

    Have you ever thought of setting a goal for yourself? A goal like following your passion? It could be anything. Search deep inside you and ask yourself if you have ever wanted to do something but never have the time to do it. I’m sure you know the answer. Trust me, this will help you to focus on something else than him. This will help you to cope with your heart.
    You are dependent on him. There are no other words for what you’re feeling right now. The only way to end your addiction is discovering who you are, through your passion. This will help you to realize what you need from the man who will share your life. The answer to that can be really different that what you think right now.

    Take care

  91. awesome says:

    hey.. its me again.. i just want to say that i am not judging here at all. if you are into polygamy and want to sleep around and let your husband do the same be my guest. but don’t live away from your husband or act all busy and i am a woman and i have a life and please i need to sleep i have a headache, then act all surprised when he touches bother woman. thats all i wanted to add today…

  92. awesome says:

    i meant check this blog out, it is a live story of a girl in a relationship with a married man during her last couple of months with him. she is moving to a different continent and things develop during those two months.
    might be a lesson to some…

  93. i broke it up, i found out he slept, or at least tried to, sleep around. i cut him off completely.
    a note to you girls with married men, when ur with him, around him or when u see him, or better when he sees you, it is very hard for u to recognize that it isnt love. the way he treats u and the wildness u both have and loving couch coffee hot chocolate cuddling on couch watching a movie times, are just times to spend with a man.. any man… what i am saying now wont be understood until u do what i did.. cut him off, we had a huge fight, i was furious that he lied to me, i found out- looking back- that he did lie to me 100 times before..
    look girls, he is a married man, means…experienced. he will know what u like and how u like it. his wife trained him for u? might sound sexy to some but believe me its all an act. if ur next to him, he gets a wifey call, hes all ” darling this and darling that” with the woman he was married to for so many years…. do u expect him to be honest to u and loyal to you… when u just met ? say a year ago?
    look at men who leave countries, convert religions, fight parents, give up a thrown, etc. to be with a woman…
    do u think if u were the one for him, and dont try harder than u already are to be the one, he wuldnt leave eerything for you???

    i now hate my ex. i was with him knowing he was married, i was ok with it, but him cheating on me as well??
    ok, if he travels for a month, cut all communication woth you, believe me… ull move on! stop seeing him, they have a way of acting honest, only with you ( yea right!).. and then u fall in the trap again.

    so, modobs, am i right here?

  94. Yes, you were right to break up with him. Cut him off completely of your life. And try to focus on you, on your future. It will help you to deal with all your negative feelings. The past will only bring you bad memories. It’s important for you to take your life on hand now. Take care.

  95. after five or six months i now say that the relationship with the married man crushed my self esteem and i hate him now but i came to the conclusion that he is a sick person cheating on everyone a hallow man, he needs help. he is divorced now going out on what he calls ‘dates’… well its not a date when u just want a one night stand is it? lol… i feel deep inside of me that after the break i am taking now, which is the wise thing to do to recover, i will find a great man… just a feeling..
    ttyl thanks for reading 🙂

  96. I found emails to my husband requesting his penis in a bow as a gift from a twice divorced younger woman he knew for over ten years. I replied to husband and her they can have each other I will step aside. She says they are just friends he said she is nothing to him. He says
    no more flirting. She tells me I need to see what a wonderful man I have and she will not contact him any more. I feel she should hurt like I do and want contact
    her father about his whacked out daughter. Any thoughts

  97. Stephanie says:

    If any women had a affair with my husband and knew he was married, I would break her nose, and then break my husband’s

  98. Wow, interesting reading, seems I’m not the first person to have fallen in love with a married man… And be feeling heart broken.

    I kind of feel maybe my story is different, but then I guess everyone thinks that, that they’re somehow the exception…

    I had recently left my husband, we have 2 little kids together. We’d had a sexless, unhappy marriage fe a few years, and I probably should never have married him I just felt it was the ‘right’ thing to do, and I didn’t want to break his heart. I was young… Then I decided near to 30 that I wanted kids so we had two, beautiful little cherubs. For years I cried myself to sleep knowing my marriage wouldn’t work and my kids would grow up in 2 houses and it broke my heart, so I put off leaving for a long long time. But eventually I had to leave.

    Once I was out I felt free. I felt like me. I wanted to rediscover myself in lots of ways. I began jogging, eating well, seeing friends more. I decided I wanted a no strings attached sex based affair with a married man, I definitely did not want another relationship at this point, if ever again!!

    So I met someone online as there was instant chemistry. Like nothing we’d ever experienced before. He was married, 5 years in with a 1 year old son. He’d had one affair before, because in his words throughout ivf for their child they didn’t have sex… For a couple of years. They tried a few times and he couldn’t perform so try stopped trying. And then obviously the marriage turned a bit off. They eventually got pregnant and had a baby but the problem persisted. So he had a 2 year affair during this time.

    The other lover moved away so he went looking for another no strings attached affair. He didn’t anticipate the feelings he had either. Within weeks we were head over heels in love and he had actually moved out of his family home.

    He lived with his mother for 2 months, and the whole time we were together, but sectetly as it was obviously a but too soon to come out as a couple and we wanted to avoid it being known we were together while he was at home.

    During this time his entire family and friends network told him he was a total idiot for leaving her. He never mentioned me. He started seeing a counsellor and then decided to go back home… And they are having marriage counselling.

    He broke my heart, we had planned to be together, discussed babies, marriage in the future… The whole thing. So to have that ripped away was devestating.

    Thing is, we are still seeing each other. He wants to try and work on his marriage and hae an affair with me as he cannot let me go. He told me he wished he’d met met instead of her. And that he is doing it because he doesn’t want a broken family… I am weak and can’t end it either because I have honestly never felt like this about anyone…

    He told me yesterday that he and his wife I’d sleep together last week, it was a bit of a disaster as was usual for them… I completely lost it and he thinks I’m being unreasonable. I told him if he slept with her it’d be over between us, but now I can’t follow through and he’s told me he’ll end it thn but that hurts so badly…

    He’s told me before he wanted me aroun as he wasn’t sure things with his wife would work and he wanted me aroun just in case. Now he’s said it was always more than that, it’s because he always wanted more wit me but he feels he should commit to trying….

    Please help!!!!

  99. Dear Liv,

    Thank you for your comment.
    Does he want you around just in case?
    How do you feel? Do you deserve being treated as the second option?
    You obviously put his needs ahead of yours. Does it make you happy?
    He has way too much power on you. And he’s not honest with you.
    There’s no easy way out for you. You seem addicted to him. You should try to spend more time away from him. Develop other interests.
    He’s not good for you.

    Take care,

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  101. J. says:

    I love this blog and all of the points of view. It feels like a safe place to share…so here goes.
    I am a single woman who is struggling with remaining celibate. After ending a turbulent four year relationship with a narcissistic, abusive bf, I decided to not get involved intimately with another man. I decided to take time to heal and love myself. I’ve been celibate now for three years and have been feeling grounded and focused… until I opened my front door last week. Standing on my front porch was the guy I went to my high-school prom with…my high-school sweetheart….he was also my first. I called him (Big) way before there was a “Sex In The City”. After high-school we dated off and on. We both got into other relationships, but we couldn’t stay away from each other. We couldn’t keep our clothes on around each other…it was insane… animalistic…we’d have sex anywhere and anytime. All it took was eye contact with each other and clothes would be ripped off, bedposts would be broken. There were times he’d see me out in public on a date with a new guy… he’d be sitting where only I could see him… just looking at me… and I’d be so turned on ((while I’m on a date))! He didn’t care that I was trying to move on… I didn’t care that he had a girlfriend. He called me his chronic… his fix… his addiction. This went on for years…it was pure madness, it was fun and harmless because nobody was married. I eventually moved away to study abroad and we lost contact. During those years his steady girlfriend got pregnant by him and they got married. My mom got really sick so I moved back home to take care of her…he found out I was back in town and stopped by to see me. I had heard he was a married man now so I knew it was the end for us and I made this clear. He would still stop by my house once a year on my birthday just to say happy birthday to me… I wouldn’t let him in, I kept the conversation cordial and brief. He finally got the message and stopped the birthday visits. I met a guy and tried to settle down and “get some normal”…fast forward to now… I’ve been celibate for three years now …I’m now a live in nurse/Caregiver for my mom and her health is failing. I’ve been in the process of downsizing my Mom’s house, throwing away decades of accumulation on my own. I’m depressed because of my mom… unsure of the next chapter in my life…and the doorbell rings… It’s very married (Big) standing on my porch….we make eye contact…oh God. He has always loved my mom so when he saw her he hugged her and broke down. He looked around at the house and it’s current state of disarray and offered to help me downsize… I accepted the help. He’s been helping me get rid of stuff daily but I won’t allow myself to be alone with him. The feelings are still there… but I just run from them. One evening I had a panic attack, while trying to sort through miscellaneous boxes of mom’s important papers… I just couldn’t breathe…my heart started racing, fingers got numb… I couldn’t stop crying. Big helped me through it…he held me and let me scream and cry until I caught my breath… When I settled down I realized he was still holding me tight in his arms… uh-oh… I quickly backed away and thanked him for being such a great friend…he wiped my tears, I walked him to the door and said goodnight. We hugged again…and I kissed him on the lips…(fuck!) I panicked…backed away and locked the storm door so he couldn’t get close to me again. We just stood there staring at each other on opposite sides of a glass door…like two sex crazed teenagers! “Let me in J” he said with an obvious hard-on… I shout “go home Big this is wrong!” “J… I still love you… I need my fix” “I know Big… but you’re married now… please go.” I shut the other door…and went to take a cold shower. My mind has been on him constantly now. My body aches for him. But I won’t return his text messages or calls… I know it is only a matter of time before he comes for me. What if I’m not strong enough to resist him? What if this is a test? What if the one I’m supposed to be with is waiting for me to pass this test? Big was my first everything. We’ve danced in and out of each other’s lives since we were teenagers… we are both in our 40’s now… what is this?? Help!

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