celibacy, life, love, reflexion, relationships, sex, women

A good lover

Recently, I was discussing with a group of women about the importance of having a man who’s not a complete zero in bed.  In other words, a good lover.

We had a different opinion on what makes a man a good lover. One of my friend thinks it’s a question of experience. “There’s less chances you find a good lover among the teenagers and college students because they only start to discover the female body”  she said.  “Do you remember you first sexual experiences ? Technically, it’s never that great , so it’s the same for the boys at that age” she added.

Another woman I know has a different argument. “ It’s just based on how sensual the guy is, no matter his age”  she said. “Of course, this improves with experience, but not only”  she added.

But when it comes to experience, the women I know all agree on one thing. “ If the guy slept with half of the town, I’m not sure I would like to sleep with him. I would feel judged by him, like one of his many conquests”  a friend of mine said. 

And besides, it’s not much a question of quantity, but more a question of quality.  Ladykillers may collection women, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you would get a champion of the bedroom.  That’s what happened to T., 34. She accepted to spend the night with a man with the reputation of a casanova.  She told me she was expecting to spend an incredible night with him (sexually speaking), but she got disappointed. He was all talk, but when we switched to the bedroom, that was another story. He just let me do everything he wanted me to do, but gave me nothing in return” she explained.

So what then makes a good lover?  According to a friend of mine, he’s the guy who knows how to really satisfy you. I share her view.


19 thoughts on “A good lover

  1. I would take it a step further. The man who is good in bed, derives his satisfaction from hers. Every response from him, springs from a response from her.

    To the extent that a man learns this, he will be repaid, many times over. When a man doesn’t, all he’ll have is an orgasm here and there, and nothing else.

    If you’re a guy, why wouldn’t you want the woman you’re with to be at the point of absolute, raving lunacy with desire? Well then, you have to figure out what it is that makes her tick. It may be the way she’s touched, but it may also be the way she’s talked to, or the way she’s treated in public, or the way the man treats others.

    Ultimately, the brain is the biggest erogenous zone for either gender, and when we forget that, we miss out on most of what makes sexuality fun and interesting. With that in mind (so to speak), the “good lover” (of either gender) cannot be magical in bed without a lot of research. Along those lines, he (or she) may need experience to be good, but it doesn’t mean that they need experience with anyone else. 😉

  2. TheFirm: I’m sure men can learn a lot from women about how they can satisfy them, if the woman dares to tell him to do this and that and to avoid doing this and that. Remember that some women fake their orgasm (some men too) just because they don’t want to disappoint their partner.

  3. Uhm… at the risk of sounding arrogant, “yeah… I know.” 😀

    My experience has been, try lots of things, particularly touches, and see what happens. (See “Little Things… Big Things” for a couple of examples.) If kissing softly, just below her ear makes her breath draw in suddenly, and it seemed to be an involuntary response, then you’ve probably “touched a nerve” (in a good way). On the other hand, if she’s making all sorts of moaning noises, but her body doesn’t seem to be autonomically involved… keep looking.

    Some guys seem to think that Physical Intensity = Sexual Intensity, but that ignores the reality of their own physiology. Just because a nibble on her ear is good, doesn’t mean that biting is (necessarily) better. Likewise, gently holding wrists may be far more erotic (to her) than some kind of animalistic bondage treatment.

    Yes, it would be nice if women were blunt and if men’s egos weren’t so easily bruised. Then, there would probably be a lot more “good lovin” going on. However, I think if the guy truly cares enough to pay attention (a key issue), then he’ll be able to figure out what works and what doesn’t.

    Of course, if you’re hopping in the sack with a single-eyebrow mouth-breather, you can’t be too surprised if the only thing he’s looking for is a deposit box. Sadly, those types don’t have signs around their necks to help you identify who they are. 😀

  4. haha, if only those single-eyebrow mouth breather had signs around their neck telling who they are… But don’t worry for that, from my personal experience and according to my female friends, it’s quite easy to uncover them ,if you’re sober :).
    And yes, you have reason, if the guy really pays attention to what he’s doing, he’ll have a better chance to do the right thing.

  5. True. I suppose now is a good time for me hush so I don’t sound like I’m trying to educate a woman on female sexuality. 😀

  6. The balance between telling a man where to go and what feels good, and making him feel unnecessarily inadequate for what he isn’t doing, is a very fine line….

    I’m at the point now where I will (for the most part) say exactly where to go… I mean, don’t we want the same outcome here? To put it bluntly…

    There are certain men who are naturally more sensual than others. It’s intuitive to a certain extent. Men have intuition, too…

    I’ve been disappointed by many, and pleased by few…

    Although the few I have been pleased by, are the ones I’ve been with for a while and they’re experienced enough to know…

    I’ve never had an orgasm with a one night stand.

  7. Actually, I think part of the problem is that sometimes, we don’t necessarily want the same outcome. Sure, men would like think of themselves as some combination of Casanova and John Holmes, but the sad reality is, once a man’s desire is “spent,” he tends to lose interest (among other attributes) quickly. In other words, if he’s had an orgasm but she hasn’t, most guys aren’t likely to invest a lot of time or energy addressing that deficiency.

    I think your last line validates my (rather limited) experience.

  8. I want to try that washing machine with a saddle. I’ve heard stories of women having orgasms by sitting on a washing machine before, and I have trouble believing it.

    Personally, I need a bit more.

    We’re all different. Although, I’m willing to give almost anything a try before I discount it.

    The best lover’s please a woman first. For the very reason you stated. Men are spent, but I can keep going.. and going… Just speaking for myself.

    Any man worth his salt will take pleasure in giving the woman he is with pleasure, before himself. Men are so much easier to please…

  9. Vanessa, men are indeed easier to please than a woman. I think that a woman’s orgasm is a much more complicated thing. And you made a point, maybe we need to create a bit of intimacy with the guy we’re sleeping with so we can let it go more easily. That can’t come if you barely know the guy. I learned that from my very limited experiences. I do admit I have a little problem with intimacy, so my first time with the men I had been wasn’t that great. It improved as the relationship progressed.

    TheFirm: for what I hear around me, men who still try to make her partner come after they had an orgasm are an exception.

  10. Well, I have little doubt that this is a rarity. Very few women that I’ve talked to about such things have ever had this experience. It’s a shame, because a man who’s had an orgasm isn’t distracted by his own “needs.”

    Accordingly, if a man’s not thinking about himself (unfortunately, a little rare), he can focus all of his attention on what she’s feeling–on her responses. Unless he’s got something physically wrong with him, he’ll probably be able to cum again in 15 min or so (refactory time, I think is the term), so there’s a selfish benefit to him doing this too.

    Another thing a man might try (if there’s not enough time for a double), is to have an orgasm by himself, shortly before being with her. He’ll be able to last longer that way.

    You know, I’m telling you all of the secrets. The guys are gonna hate me for this.

  11. Firm: I think guys should be thanking you for it.

    There is a problem however, in that so many men lose interest or fall asleep just after they cum…

    modobs: I agree with you about needing a level of intimacy. Trust is part of that. It doesn’t have to be a full blown relationship, but trusting the person I’m with enough to really let go without second guessing or becoming self conscious, is quite important for me.

  12. Firm: I don’t think guys should hate you for telling all those secrets 🙂

    Vanessa, yes, many men fall asleep just after they cum. One of my male friend confessed that he cannot help it. It’s not selfishness, he says, but just biological.

  13. modobs: I call “BS” on that one. 😉

    Just presenting the possibility is where other guys are likely to get annoyed. True, it would serve their best interests ultimately, but a lot of guys are guilty of short-term thinking. 😀

  14. People who talk the most have the least to offer.

    I’ll tell you what makes a good lover…someone you can’t stand. lol unfortunate but true most of the time! All that anger and tension…

  15. Stiletto, I don’t think the person I can’t stand would make a good lover to me. I suspect him to have gay tendencies, so…

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