men, reflexion, relationships, wacky, women

He still lives with his parents

While I see more an more women gaining their independence, I also see many men going the opposite direction. An increasing number of men still live with their parents. In some european countries like Spain and Italy (even in France), this phenomenon finds its explanation in the prohibitive costs to rent an apartment (I don’t even mention buying a house).  In Italy, there ‘s also another explanation in the low salary hitting the young people. The average wage in the country is around 1000 euros a month, not much compared to the high prices of the everyday life there.

That complicates a lot the relationships between young people in those countries because sometimes, they have to move in one of the parent’s house for the simplest reason they can’t afford to pay for an apartment.

But in my country, it’s not the same story. Maybe we’ll get there someday because of the growing prices of the housing market. But we’re not yet there.  So, the guys who still live with their parents have pretty much no excuses for it. If he works for a decent salary, he wouldn’t have too much problem to pay a rent for an apartment.

Despite all this, I know quite a few men who still live with their parents. And generally, when you meet the guy for the first time, you can tell where he lives. The men I know in that category are mostly shy, would never dare to throw an opposite argument to what you say, quite intelligent and cultivated, but not the guy you would notice in a party. Usually, they’re still young, around their 30’s.  Their situation is not forever, though. Because sometimes, a charitable heart fell in love with one of them and pushes him to leave his parents’ cocoon.

But sometimes, this kind of guy never finds his charitable heart, and stays at home with mom and dad. I have a very unique colleague in my office in this situation. He lived with his mom until very recently, and he’s 42. He had been married once, but his marriage lasted only for two weeks (his wife left him because she had enough of him – Wow that’s a quick decision) . So he returned to his mommy’s home and stayed there for a long time. What made him leave his mom ? He fell in love with a psychologist, who has already two kids. So she wouldn’t mind taking care of another one.

The question is: would you date a guy like that?  Personally, I couldn’t.


23 thoughts on “He still lives with his parents

  1. “Charitable heart”! haha! That makes the poor man sound so pathetic, like he’s a dog to be rescued from an animal shelter…

    I know there are varying reasons why people live with their parents after the age of 30. As you said, the cost of living is astronomical in some countries, and often after a separation, it’s the only viable option in a hurry, or to get one’s self back on track. However, if it lasts longer than a few months, there is trouble.

    I can’t believe from what you’ve told me here and on my blog, that he has a girlfriend now! It makes you wonder…. about her.

    In answer to your question: No, I couldn’t. His lack of self sufficiency would be a huge turn off. I’ve already had experience with a man who can’t take care of himself. I wouldn’t go down that road again…

  2. Yes, it seems unbelievable that my colleague has found a new girlfriend. He may be a mommy’s boy but also a womanizer (remember how he propositioned to donate his sperm to one of my colleague). I don’t know how he flirts with women (and personally, I really don’t want to experience this, eeeewwwwww) , but I think that he has some advantages to attract a certain type of women. He’s rich, he’s got a big car, he has a certain reputation in the financial world, he’s quite outspoken. But he has also tons of bad habits he developed as a single man living in his mommy’s home.
    And you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a man who can’t take care of himself. That’s my point of view. I know that all the women out there don’t think that way.

  3. Well, I like doing things for the man I love. But there is a fine line between taking care of someone out of love, and being a maid.

    I can imagine that unfortunate man crossing the line…

    He’s only rich because he’s been too stingy to stop using up his mother all this time. It’s rather cheap to live at home…

  4. Yes, there’s a fine line between taking care of the one you love and acting like his mother/maid. But it’s often the case, when you look at the couples around you. I’m not judging them, but for me, it would be weird to have a “normal” sexual life with the man I treat like my child.

  5. What I have observed in my tiny country is that there are rules on living on one’s own. You have to be aged 35 and above for a single to buy your own home. This rule is due to the stand that only by that age, you have financial stability. I’m guessing because I’ve never asked. 😛

    It seems that the men potrayed here lack their own identities or personalities or characters because of the parents restricting them.

    I don’t see it often here. Maybe I usually meet men who have strong characters.

  6. modobs: Oh, my God! I think you just summed up the very problem in my marriage in one sentence!

    Wow, that is a revelation. I haven’t been quite able to put my finger on why I am SO very disinterested….

    Wishbone: I think their mother’s have babied them for too long and they haven’t had enough backbone to go and make it on their own…

    That’s interesting what you say about not being able to buy a home if you’re single until you’re 35. I’m Australian and there are teenagers here buying their own homes. More power to them, I suppose…

  7. WishBoNe: that’s interesting to know about your country. It says a lot on the conditions of living there.
    For the guys depicted in this post, they were babied too much and for too long in most of the case. Very few of them were restricted by their parents. In fact, in this case, I know many men who just waited for one single occasion to leave their parents’ house.

    Vanessa: I have a friend who’s involved in a same situation where she babies too much her husband and she admitted once that her sexual life was so boring, but she’s working on it (I don’t know how, she didn’t tell me). It’s never easy when you get into that dynamic in your couple.
    Teenagers buying their own homes! Wow, that’s independency 😉

  8. modobs: I resent babying him. I won’t do it, but sometimes I have no choice. I’m not terribly maternal… As far as the sex goes, it’s too far gone. I have little to no hope. [sigh]

    You are right. It isn’t easy.

    I wish I was in that position when I was a teenager! I’m 35 and I’m still not there, hehe.

  9. Hey, in my country, people generally access to property at the age of 35 – 40. Before, they just rent an apartment or a house.
    The young who own their home are just lucky to have extremely generous parents.

  10. @modobs
    The living space here is tiny. Thus, the restrictions. *sigh* I would love to rent a place nearer my current workplace but the rental is simply too much for me.

    From I’ve seen, guys these days love to be mothered but still want to show that they don’t depend on women. -_-‘ That’s what’s happening here in my country.

    I know of one who loved to be fetched from his workplace at whatever time he knocks off. Yet, he never treated her well, belittling her all the time, loves to let her know that he’s still da man. Thank goodness that they are no longer together.

  11. How macho is that attitude, WishBoNe ? I know it depends a lot on the relationship between the parents. If the father treats her wife like a maid, chances are his son will do the same with his own lady.

  12. Raindreamer says:

    In Italy the difference is that at least in the south also women live with their parents – not only men and the reasons are financial.

  13. Raindreamer, in some countries like Italy where religion still occupies a strong presence in every day life, women stay indeed with their parents until they got married.

  14. @modobs
    Pretty much depends on the relationship of the parents, like what you mentioned. There are some who are not so strongly influenced by their parents, they can be influenced by other male friends. I guess this stems partially from our conservative customs; women must always follow their men, albeit blindly even if the man is unreasonable.

  15. Raindreamer says:

    Well – when I talked with girls of the reasons they stay home, it seemed to be financial at most.

    There were basicly two possibilities: live with flatmates in a crampped flat or live with parents. Usually it is much more comfortable – and cheap – to live wiht parents.

    I know that the moving in with boyfriend was not option for many – and I am sure there are religious reasons behind that, but some girls actually lived with other girls and it was considered normal.

    And we are talking about old-fashioned and deeply catholic Southern Italy – not more modern and secular Northern Italy.

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    And how you feel? Sorry bad English.

  17. A says:

    This is for the men and women who are still living at home.

    Never allow another person define your worth in this world. The people that would not date you or be with you because you live at home are very limited in their thinking and how they feel about themselves and their lives. These are the same people who live their lives enslaved by what society dictates to them. They are the ones that are truly poor. These are the same people that are never satisfied and nothing is never enough for them. They are truly hiding from their own fears and the worst part of themselves. They feel that they need money, status, fame and the finer things in life to demonstrate their self worth but the truth of the matter is that they have no self worth. Remember, when you die you cannot take anything with you. The only one you should answer to is God our creator.

    If no one can accept you for who you genuinely are then you do not need this kind of energy in your lives. The fact that you live at home does not dictate what kind of person you are. Always remember that no one owes you anything and you do not owe anyone anything. Be proud of who you are as an individual and always remain focused on the positive things in your lives. Focus on your God given qualities no matter what the cost and you will see that things will change dramatically for you.

  18. Hi A.,

    Thanks for your opinion. No one has the right to judge you just on the fact you still live with your parents.

  19. Debbie says:

    A, it has nothing to do with status, money or what society dictates for most of my friends who giggle at men above 30 who still live with mommy and daddy. It has to do with THE WAY THEY THINK AND BEHAVE. A person who still lives with his/her parents doesn’t value an adult life, where he can pay his own bills and stop depending on mommy and daddy to buy him stuff or organize his own place. It has to do with BEING AN ADULT.

    Of course, there are people who are able to love these people just the same. Love is love, after all. I won’t say I’d never fall in love with a guy like that, but it is a major turnoff for me (and for most women, most of them who believe it’s not her parents’ obligation to take care of their little girl when she’s past 25.) Your sweeping generalizations seems just a way to save face. Maybe you’re the one who’s hiding from facing the person you are…

  20. George Wilson says:

    What about men with disabilities? Sometimes they end up living at home because of an inability to adjust to life in college dorms, sometimes it’s because they face job discrimination and have to deal with lousy jobs, and often they’re underemployed. Does what they have to offer matter to you or do you see them as half a person? Isn’t the way a man was born enough of an explanation? Would you still fault him, ladies?

  21. TNewell says:

    I agree with Debbie…living with your parents at an advanced age is so lame. I fell in love with a man who refused to make any adult decisions of his own, especially concerning our relationship, and his own well-being. I literally went insane trying to see things his way in everday situations. And by the way, according to Gods Word, a MAN is to LEAVE his parents to make a way for his own woman and life. I will NEVER date another guy who has ANY reason for living at home with his parents.

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