How come a relationship evolves in the secret? When I ask this question around me, many people reply the same answer: it’s because of the aftermaths if the relationship was known to everyone. Some people told me that they love the thrill of keeping their partner secret, but some other just said it was hell.
The reasons behind a secret affair are multiple. Sometimes, they are justified, sometimes they aren’t. For the first category, secret lovers choose to remain in the dark because they fear the reaction of their entourage if they knew about their affair. Y., 34, pursued a three year relationship with one of her parents’ friend. He was married at that time, and for obvious reasons, Y. didn’t want to ruin everything by telling about their affair. “I knew my parents wouldn’t approuve this, and I didn’t want to endorse the bad role of the one who steals someone else’s husband” she explained. Three years later, her lover decided to quit his wife, and offered Y. to make their relationship public. But Y. refused. “I realised all of a sudden he wasn’t the one for me, that I loved more the secret aspect of the relationship than him” she said.
C. , 30, dated for two years her best friend’s fiancee behind her back. “We never had the guts to tell her about what was going on between us. We knew she would be devastated to know this, and we wanted to prevent her from this pain” she said. “Eventually, she left him for another man, and we saw no reason left to keep our relationship secret. But my friend didn’t take the news so well, as we expected. She’s still avoiding us today” she added.
Usually, when we try to keep a relationship secret, it’s because we fear the judgment of our friends, and especially our parents. Presenting your partner to your entourage is one crucial step in your relationship and always delicate. There’s always a chance they will not like your partner. So, if you pick a partner against all their values, chances are he/she will get disapprouved and that you might end up in a dispute with your entourage.
F., 32, has never told her parents she prefers women. She has always pretended the contrary and even invented male alibis for her parents. Her friends don’t know either about her secret.” I don’t know how they will react to this, and I fear to be rejected” she said.
G., 34, told me she believed her parents would never accept her partner, because of his religion. That’s why she keep him secret. And she has no plan to unveil her relationship.
On the other hand, for the other partner of the couple, it’s not that easy to accept a secret relationship. Would you accept it ?