life, love, men, reflexion, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Just a Peeping Tom

Most of us couldn’t stand to be cheated on, but on the other hand, when it comes to infidelity, we tend to be more indulgent with ourselves.  I recently had a long discussion with a friend of mine about how we consider to be unfaithful to our partner, and I realised that the very definition of infidelity varies a lot from one person to another.

Let’s take an example: if you kiss another man, would you consider this as cheating?  That’s a tough question, because it depends on the circumstances. For me, I would say this is cheating, but for some women, it isn’t. “It depends a lot. If it’s a guy you met while you were throwing a bachelorette party, it doesn’t count. But if it’s a man you flirted with all night long, it is” said my friend.

Another example: Do you consider flirting with another man as cheating? Well, again, it depends on the circumstances. If it’s a man you’re sure you’ll never see again, no.  If it’s your colleague, friends, a person of your entourage,… you see all the time, yes. That’s my opinion (but I don’t flirt with other people in general). My friend agrees.

Then, there’s the virtual infidelity. Have you ever chatted with another man online (your colleague at work or a perfect stranger) , and do you consider this as cheating?  My answer is yes, and my friend agrees.

And your crush for a celebrity, how far does it go? Do you think about him/her when you make love to your partner? And do you think it’s cheating?  Gosh, it never happened to me, and I would answer no to that question. But my friend did several times, and she considers this as cheating.

Another friend of mine doesn’t believe in exclusive relationships. So far, she has only been in open relationships, but she told me there are rules to be respected. First, she never falls in love with men she meets other than her official partner. Secundo, she tries not to meet them again. Tertio,  she never tells anything to her official. And he must follows the same rules with her.

How do you locate yourself towards all this questions? And what is your definition of infidelity?


25 thoughts on “Just a Peeping Tom

  1. I think you forgot one…

    Worse than all that stuff you spoke of above. It’s the “emotional friend”. That person that fills some kind of void in your life, or so it seems. That guy or gal that you disclose personal information to and build a relationship based on trust and respect. That person that catches your heart and sould by “being there” for you and “understanding you” like no one else can.

    That person that is so close to you in so many ways that in your weakest of moments it would only make sense to take it to the next level. Physical intimacy. Then, by anyone’s definition, you are a cheater.

    And that sucks…….

  2. Hi, Charlie.

    Yes, you’re right. I forgot that one. And it’s probably the worst you can do to your partner (except if you transmit AIDS to him/her thanks to your infidelity).
    Thanks for stopping by.

  3. I agree with Charlie about the “emotional friend”. If your partner can’t confide in you the way he does for his close friend, then what’s keeping the two of you together? How would you feel if your partner shares his innermost feelings with his “best friend” and not with you? Why cant YOU fill in that void?

    Kissing, flirting and talking with someone online is cheating by my definition. It’s tricky because people make all sorts of connections with others all the time. When I’m in a relationship, whether my partner knows it or not, I nip these connections in the bud. I just don’t want to give him a reason to feel insecure as I know I would if he were in the same situation.

    This cheating thing is one of the reasons why I’m not in a relationship (and don’t think will ever be again). I think the chances of finding a faithful man is rare.

  4. Darn it. I wrote a longish comment and it seems to have gotten deleted because of a computer lag. Sigh.

    There I said I agreed with Charlie about the emotional friend thing. How would it make a person feel if her partner has an emotional connection with someone deeper than he has with you? Why can’t YOU fill in that void?

    Kissing, flirting and talking online with someone — all cheating in my book. I would never do them because I wouldn’t want my partner to do them. Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker. I’d probably understand the reason why he would do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stand for it.

    This cheating thing is the reason why I’m not in a relationship and have no desire to be in one in the future. I think the chances of finding a faithful man is rare. I don’t get why men get enter relationships then start hankering for other women.

  5. Liz, chances of finding a faithful man is rare indeed. But I do believe they exist. Try not to be so pessimistic. (yeah, I know, I’m too optimistic sometimes 😉
    I don’t get either why men start hankering for other women while they are already involved in a relationship.I would be devastated to know my man has made a better connection with another woman. It’s far worse than just a physical infidelity.

  6. Raindreamer says:

    What is flirting? If it is sexually oriented then I would say it is cheating, but if there are those everyday nice jokes and smiles one would share with same sex (for heterosexuals – for others the group you are not interested in potentially the opposite sex), then I don’t think it would be cheating.

    Kissing as a form of salutation – like in Southern Europe is not cheating. Other forms I think are (if not babys or grannies).

    I agree that sharing things with outsider (if not your therapist or best samesexfriend (heterosexuals – read above)) is a form of emotional cheating – and a bad thing for relationship.

  7. Raindreamer says:

    What is wrong with commenting? Where did my comment go?

    Sharing things you should share with your partner with a opposite-sex friend (not your therapist) if not really cheating, is definately bad for relationship.

    Kissing – if not salutation (like in Southern Europe) or for the babies and grannies – is cheating.

    What is flirting? If it sexually oriented / sexually loaded then it is a form of cheating. If it is friendly chic-chat, joking and smiling you would share with your own sex – then it is not and he/she is overly jealous.

    – Now I will copy this in case… –

  8. Oh, I don’t know if there’s a problem with WordPress, but every comment I get goes straight into the spam category and I have to recover all of them. That’s what happened with yours, Raindreamer, and Liz’s one.

  9. To get back to your comment, I hope kissing on the cheek isn’t an infidelity, because in my country, I would cheat a lot on the light of my life, and he would do too, then 😉 But kissing passionately someone else is cheating, indeed.

    Flirting in the sense where you test your power of seduction on the opposite sex… well, it depends. I use this a lot to get some advantages (like avoiding a contravention for example) I must say. But I would never do this with someone I find attractive.

  10. Everyone seems to think different things are cheating. Generally, if it’s something I don’t want my boyfriend to do or something I wouldn’t do if he was present I’d count that as cheating.

  11. Raindreamer, flirting is playing with fire. But when I manage to avoid a contravention because I just smile to the police officer, my man isn’t pissed by this. When I get informations for my newspaper thanks to that, too. It’s just my male colleagues who are pissed. Here, it’s just useful 😀

    Hi, Mortality.
    You have absolutely reason. I would never do something I wouldn’t want my man to do to me. Thanks for your comment.

  12. Flirting counted as infidelity… It depends on the flirting I think. Playful flirting between friends is ok I think. Or it’s just me who’s a huge flirt.

  13. Here is the deal…

    You have to act the same way you do when your significant other is present…only better. It is your job to express the strength of your relationship and your respect for your partner by never letting anyone wonder if you are single or attached when you are not together.

    Friendly is fine, flirting is not…(the definitions are set by the two of you.) Have the conversation, agree on boundaries, and get on with life together.

    If you are a different player behind your partners back…one of those people you portray is a fraud; and it’s usually the one that lies to her/him to preserve the relationship.

    If you spent that flirting energy focusing on your partner, you would make your relationship stronger and have less reason to prowl. Chances are that both of those personalities are a part of you…they just both need to be used to cultivate your current relationship as opposed to keeping another one on the back burner.

    Be faithful at all cost. If you’re not good at it, at least recognize the times that you will be the weakest and run…RUN LIKE HELL!!!!

  14. Charlie, if everyone who feels the weakest regarding fidelity in a relationship has to run, we will have a problem 😉
    Faithfulness is like a deal between two partners, so you’d better find someone who thinks the same way about it to make that deal. There’s no sense of picking a sleep around while you’re faithful, hoping she/he will change. That will never work.

  15. Raindreamer says:

    I think Charlie is right. In some situations it is better to go off from that situation than stay and potentially end up cheating – as I understood what you ment. I raise my hat.

  16. I wouldn’t know how cheating can be achieved online. I read in an ebook called “Sensuality, Intimacy, Sex,” that you can still love just one person without having to totally cut yourself off from the company of people from the opposite sex. Maybe it’s the guy in me talking, or the fact that I’m a recent divorcee, but I think I’ll stick with the book. It’s done wonders for me so far.

  17. Hi, Jerome.

    Well, for cheating on line, it depends on the connection you have with the other person you chat with. Don’t forget some couples who met on the Internet already fell in love with each other without even seeing each other.
    Of course, you don’t have to cut yourself from the company of people from the opposite sex. That’s a radical solution, and completely silly I think.
    Thanks for stopping by.

  18. yen says:

    if i won’t do it in front of my boyfriend, then it would definitely be cheating. i’ve been cheated on twice. once, physical. the other, you can call cyber-cheating. online cheating is very difficult. it can include an exchange of sexual banter, to an exchange of pictures, or even the use of webcams… so much for technology.

    anyway, i know some people are just really flirtatious but i guess it’s true that they’d have to find partners who don’t mind it. if the other partner gets bothered by all the flirting, it simply wouldn’t work.

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