broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A rootless tree

Love shouldn’t be a heavy feeling. When you’re in love, you shouldn’t suffer, but just appreciate the beauty of life. Wisdom would advice you to leave a lover who treats you very badly. Some people just follow their reason and prevent themselves from a downward spiral that leaves indelible marks on those who went through it. Those who can’t listen to their reason undergo the rollercoaster of feelings caused by a lover who doesn’t love you the right way.

Even if your bad lover doesn’t inflict you physical damages, the mental torture you go through can be qualified as an abuse. Because when the relationship is over, you feel the same post traumatic syndromes than a person who’s been raped or beaten: anxiety, self-depreciation, fear, lack of sleep and appetite, nightmares, … often accompanied with a dependence on drugs or alcohol.

“I had a five years relationship with a guy who just came in and out of my life whenever he felt like it. I felt one day like I was in heaven and the next day in the second circle of hell. I knew this relationship kept on devastating me, but I couldn’t leave him and hang on this painful experience. When the relationship ended, I went under a severe depression accompanied by a dependance on alcohol” explains a recovering A., 34.

He kept on humiliating me when we were in public, couldn’t care much about me when we were at home, too busy watching football with his mates. He treated me like his animal. Even his dog received a better treatment than I got. But each time I tried to leave him, he just told me how much he loved me and that he couldn’t live without me. I felt culpability each time for having such thoughts, and just stayed. I didn’t know what to do with him. I feared him, but I loved him too. I was constantly torn between my love for him and the fact I couldn’t bear this situation anymore. I finally found the courage to leave him for good, but I had a hard time recovering after this relationship. I couldn’t go out, I felt nothing, I was constantly crying, I couldn’t sleep, I felt useless. I had to undergo a therapy to get better” said H., 35.

There was a look in his eyes that indicated me he was going to burst and shout at me. Nothing I did was good for him. He kept on telling how miserable I was. He never hit me, but I felt like I was each time he got mad at me. But sometimes, he could show me some affection and told me the exact opposite of what he said just one day ago. I didn’t know on what foot to dance with him. I lost all my confidence, because I was convinced I was a total zero and that nobody would love me like he did. I thought I just deserved all this, that he had reason. But one day, he got a terrible car accident and didn’t survive. I went to a severe depression after that, tried to commit suicide, but I’m starting now to win back a little of self-confidence” G.,32.

How can we fall into such a bad relationship? All the women I met who went into such a painful experience had a low self -esteem. Some even told me they felt grateful he picked them, because nobody cared about them. It took them a lot of courage to get out of this situation. Do you have experienced such a terrible relationship? Personally, I haven’t. And I don’t wish this to my worst enemy.



5 thoughts on “A rootless tree

  1. whatigotsofar says:

    I don’t want to come across as hard-hearted but… (this is where I will sound like a complete ass) but maybe these people find each other. These women might just be doormats and may have always been doormats. I’m not taking blame away from the abusive men, but its not because the guy is abusive that the woman is a doormat. The abusive man seeks out doormats because he can treat them like crap.

    My own experience, I’m not the abusive guy (I think), I don’t find doormats attractive.

  2. Oh, this is a bit harsh, but you have reason, WIGSF. A woman with a high self-confidence would never fall into this trap. An abusive man would never land such a woman either. Or maybe he can, but she will run away as soon as she realizes her mistake.

  3. Raindreamer says:

    The theory of women-doormats is old and been several times contradicted by social science studies.

    It is fact that abusive treatment can make anybody doormat, if you don’t get out fast enough.

    Of course there are some women, who seem to be maschocistly looking for that kind of relationships, but they are not majority.

  4. If the person you love keeps on telling you you’re not worth it, no matter how high is your confidence, you will finish to believe this, Raindreamer. The key in this kind of relationships is to leave as soon as possible, otherwise it will attract you into a downward spiral. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.
    But yet, I still believe that if you have a good self-esteem, you can avoid falling into this trap. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect to be loved?

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