broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

I’m not in love…

It’s just a silly phase I’m going through

Relationships can be the land of confusions. What you thought at first was real love turned just into a little crush or the next step, limerence. On the contrary, a little crush can also develop into true love. But for a reason, we, women, cannot differentiate all of this and it can lead us very heart-broken. Maybe it’s because we’re mostly driven by our emotions, I don’t know.

With maturity, however, we manage to make the difference between those different feelings, but it’s not always that easy. I’m always amazed how men can do that so easily. Recently, one of my friends broke up with her partner after two years together. Their relationship wasn’t exactly what we could call a normal one. She told me he didn’t want to commit that much in it, and she accepted it. They were seeing other people while they were together, and I thought that she didn’t love him, she just had fun with him. But when it ended, she got badly heart-broken and she’s still not over him yet.

Maybe she should have left him way before it ended.

How do we get into situation like these? Well, sometimes, the man is also responsible for this. “When we started dating, he promised me thick and thin. He told me he never met someone like me, that he really loved me and I believed him. But after six months spent together, he just left me. I realized afterwards he was chasing me just because he idealized me. He had absolutely no idea who I really was. I’m sure he couldn’t tell what is my favourite band, author, film, what are my little habits” U., 30, explained.

But sometimes, men make the conditions crystal clear in the beginning of the relationship, and we still fall into the trap of our emotions. “He told me there was nothing serious between us, that he just wanted to have fun with me. But deep in my mind, I thought I could change his mind. I was really in love with him, but the feeling was never mutual. When he realized I got way too attached to him, he dumped me” J., 35, said. “I knew he was just a ladykiller, and that no woman has ever succeeded in settling him down. But silly me, I thought I could be that woman, and I failed” G., 32, said.

Of course, some women are able to put their feelings aside and deal with such a relationship. And you can get a reverse situation too. “I liked him, but I knew I wasn’t in love. Unfortunately for him, he was really in love with me. He was devastated when I announced to him it was over. I had just a crush for him” H., 32, said. “I started dating him because I needed to have company after my breakup with my ex. I felt nothing for him, except maybe friendship. He felt offended when I told him it was over, and that I just needed his company to get better” T., 29, told me. “I just wanted to have sex with him, and curiously, it turned out he was in love with me. But I never felt that way for him” D., 30, said.

Like Elvis sang, “Only fools rush in“. By taking our time in a relationship (not purely based on sex), we could more easily differentiate if it’s a crush, limerence or true love we feel for the other. It’s easier said than done. But our past experiences can play an important role in this. “I had in the past several relationships where it all started great and then all of a sudden, the guy realized he didn’t like me that much. When I met G., things started pretty much the same as it did with my exes. We were working in the same office, he started flirting with me, but I realized he didn’t pay that much attention to who I was. It occured to me because once, another colleague of mine that I don’t particularly like  received a box of chocolate that he offered me. He just told me he knew I like chocolate (I pack a lot of chocolate bars in my drawer) while I was pretty sure that G. couldn’t tell this about me. It was crystal clear for me I was heading in the wrong direction with G.”J.,29, said.

Have you ever got confused like that?


8 thoughts on “I’m not in love…

  1. Jane says:

    Well, its really true. Woman sometimes got confused with their emotions. We misinterpreted a guys friendliness into something else and then we ended up broken hearted.

  2. I was confused too. I ended up being heart broken because he was just using me and I was too naive. I was too into the idea that it was time I should have a relationship to show off. How naive.

  3. Hi Jane,

    Such confusions are really hard to deal with. Some women try to avoid it just because they don’t want their heart to be broken again. Thanks for stopping by.

    WishBoNe, I got too heart broken but I wasn’t naive. It was just me who made such a big deal for a relationship ill-fated from the start. It’s just that limerence is hard to control, and when it’s not returned, it is really hard to accept it. If he used you, then he’s a jerk 🙂

  4. Raindreamer says:

    It is hard, when guys play wery romantic just to get …
    But women can do that too, although usually for other reasons like admirationa or company – I’ve known some of these girls.

  5. whatigotsofar says:

    This was a great post. It really re-inforced a lot of my opinions on women and love. That can’t be a good thing though. My views are often rebuked by women as being, I think the term is, misogynist.

  6. Raindreamer, you’re right. I know also a lot of women who just want to be loved, but feel nothing back in return. It’s good for their ego.

    WIGSF, thanks! But remember that all women aren’t driven by their emotions. We can be cruel too 😉

  7. dontdatethatdude says:

    I believe that the most important time in any relationship is the beginning, for both men and women, because as a good friend once told me, “for about the first year you are not meeting the real person, you are meeting their representative”. So I would say depending on what your goals are, pay attention, take care of yourself and your needs first and see how the other person responds to that. Thanks for commenting on my post. I am new to this forum and I think I added you to my blogroll, I hope that’s okay!

  8. Hi dontdatethatdude!

    Of course, it depends what you hope for a relationship. If you don’t think about the future and only live for the moment, the first three months of a relationship are the greatest period you can live. Nothing compares to that.
    It’s just that if you want to settle down, you will face many disappointments with such a relationship.

    Oh, and I’ve added you to my blogroll as well.

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