broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Go with the flow

When you break up with someone, how long do you wait to dive back into a new relationship? Normally, you will wait until you’re over with your ex to move on with someone new. This period of transition can take weeks, months and even years depending on the depth of your past relationship, and on the fact you were the one that was dumped or the one who left. But for some reasons, people don’t respect that period and end up in what we call rebound relationship. Sometimes, some people did it on purpose, because they can’t stand being alone and just need a shoulder (and more) to cry on. But sometimes, it’s just a question of misunderstanding of your feelings. You think you’re ready to move on, but you’re not.

“I was dumped by my ex after three years spent together. We just moved into our new apartment when he decided to split up. I was devastated, but I needed at that time someone to help me make that difficult transition. So, one month after the break up, and after many many cries, I started a new relationship with someone else. I didn’t love him, but he was a sweet and caring guy. It didn’t last long with him, because we had nothing in common, but he just helped me to recover” H., 35, said.

After twelve years of marriage where I had nothing to say and endure a terrible lover in bed, I just needed to feel like a woman. I had never that sensation when I was married. I met J. in a holiday resort two months after my separation and the way he looked at me just gave me the confidence I needed. I discovered some parts of me that were hidden during my marriage. I felt like a new person. Of course, it didn’t last with J., and I knew that back home, I will have to face my ex-husband and my life, but this ephemeral relationship helped me a lot to make things clear in my mind” P., 41.

Those two women had obviously needed a substitute either for love either for confidence. In those two cases, they had the chance to find a man comprehensive enough (or just there to bang them) to be the rebound man and just let them go away. But what if the person you choose to help you gain your confidence back falls in love with you? There’s always the risk you can break somebody else’s heart by doing so.

Then, there’s the case where you think you’re over your ex, but you’re not, and commit into a relationship.

“I thought I was over my ex for a long time. But when I started dating D., I had flashes of my past relationship that kept on coming back in my head. Everything D. did to me, I had to compare it with what my ex did to me. I got mad at D. for doing things differently than my ex. Finally, he just left me because he had enough, and I was left again with a broken heart” R., 34, explained.

I called my new man by my ex’s name several times, even though it had been months since our relationship ended. I realized I wasn’t over him yet, and I broke up with the other man”  T., 32, said.

It’s never pleasant to have to deal with such a situation. The key is to choose what you really want, a substitute for love, or getting over your past relationship.

So, when do you know you’re completely over your ex?


6 thoughts on “Go with the flow

  1. walligirl says:

    It’s been 2 years since i broke up with my ex. Always goes back and forth, i think i am over it and something triggers my loss again. Maybe we never truly get over a long term relationship, just learn to live and adjust to a new life. Or i hope i will get over it when i find a decent partner to join my life.

  2. Hi walligirl!

    Getting over a long term relationship takes a lot of time. It’s really difficult, and I hope you will get over it to start a new relationship again.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  3. The Last Spartan says:

    That is VERY difficult to do (much less answer)…

    I think that your two examples above show people who are in long term relationships experiencing what I call “the fall”. They are in long term relationships and the end of those is met with tremendous uncertainty about their lives. “Will anyone love me?”, “Was it my fault?”, “Am I too (insert adjective here)?”.

    It’s much easier to soften the blow if they have someone to catch them. People do this a lot when they get into affairs as their relationship is ending. It’s not so much that the “rebound” person is all that great or not…but rather that they need to soften the blow.

    I would say that you know you’re over them when you can sit in a room and find no attraction and yet be comfortable interacting with them. To be honest, there’s rarely a need to be in the same room as your ex but I’d certainly say you’d be over them if this were possible. The signs of being over someone are different for different people but I think that many of us really suppress what we know is correct when it comes to breakups and we make it harder on ourselves.

    My 2 cents. I could be totally wrong.

  4. Last spartan, this is a good indication you’re over your ex, indeed. And you’re right, it’s really difficult to do if you were really in love with your ex.

  5. i don’t think it is possible to ever get over an ex… the reality was that at one point in time, there was something about your ex that made you love and desire them.

    and a part of my heart will always be attached to that person for that reason…

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