broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, wedding, women

Passive


Why aren’t you married?” and “Why don’t you want do get married?” are the two questions I always get around me. I’m not the only one involved in a long term relationship and not married. Just in my newsroom, four other journalists are in the same civil situation than I. Axinia wrote a very interesting post about this phenomenon, indicating that if we decided now to get married, we would have a higher chance to divorce than non cohabiting couples before marriage.

The most common explanation to non married cohabiting couples is that they aren’t sure they found the one, and leave open the possibilities to finally find that right person. But when I ask this question around me, the answers are quite surprising. Some people do admit the man they share their life with isn’t the one, or doesn’t correspond to their ideal of the prince(ss) charming. In that sense, if they decided to get married with their partner, for sure, their couples wouldn’t last that long. Yet, for the others, this case doesn’t necessarily apply.

We have been together since we were in high school, and it’s been almost 25 years since we started our relationship. But for a reason, we never decided to get married. Everyone thought that we would do so after we both graduated from college, but each of us got busy finding a job and then got involved into a very demanding job that we didn’t want to add the pressure of the marriage on our life. We thought we would marry when we would get our first child, but when my “wife” got pregnant, we didn’t seize the opportunity to make finally our relationship legal. We don’t see what marriage could bring more to our couple, she makes me happy, I make her happy, we don’t need to vow that to each other. It’s obvious to us” O., 41, explained.

It’s just that I don’t see the point of the wedding ceremony. I don’t see myself in a wedding dress, I think it’s not for me” C., 34, said.

I just got through a painful divorce with my ex-husband. We married six months after we met each other, and he left me for another woman. This sad experience made me think twice before jumping into another wedding. That’s why I will never marry again. I’ve been with the same man for 8 years now, we are the proud parents of a little daughter. I don’t know if our relationship will last, but we try to make everything possible to reach that goal, and that’s the most important thing for me now” A., 35, said.

I don’t want to follow my mother’s path. She got married young with my father just because it was the only opportunity for her to get out of her family, and underwent several humiliations while she was married. They were constantly fighting with each other, she wasn’t happy at all. This has really affected my love life. I don’t want to get married, just try to make my relationship work with my partner. I don’t see the point of the marriage”K., 33, explained.

Maybe we’ll marry when our kids will have 18 year old. Why we didn’t get married earlier, I don’t know. At the beginning of our relationship, we weren’t sure at all it would last. It took us years to realise we were made for each other, and pass that stage, we didn’t feel the need to get married” N., 33, said.

With divorce rates higher than ever, most people think twice now before jumping into marriage. The fear of failure is like the sword of Damocles for some people that they choose the “easier option”. When you think about it, these non-committed relationships don’t demand as much as effort as a married union would do. It just depends on what and where you want the relationship to go. There’s no universal rule for a lasting couple. Some married couples would divorce after just two years spent together, other after 20 years, or would never divorce. Some unmarried couples would break sooner or later, some other would last until death do them part.

So, here’s the question, do you think a couple has a better chance to last if married, or not?

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15 thoughts on “Passive

  1. Thanks for the interesting points!

    Sure there are lots of married couple who are not happy and finally divorce / or separate. But I feel that the main reason for people not to get married is simply the bad experiences they see around ( may be theier parents, frinds, extended family).
    Unfortunately that does not make the maritial insitution more attractive 😦

    But I have both experiece – of a long term rather happy relationships /cohabitation and of a happy marriage I am in now. And I tell you – THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!

  2. You’re welcome, axinia. I know there’s a huge difference between marriage and cohabitation, but it depends a lot on how you invest yourself into it. It’s not because you make a commitment in front of everyone and to God that you will respect this vow forever. Unfortunately, I’ve seen loads of couples who broke that promise. In a sense, cohabitation is less hypocrite. Besides, for some people, marriage isn’t necessarily compulsory. I know happy couples that have been together for almost 40 years now and never married. I also know happy couples married for over that period. I’m happy for you!

  3. whatigotsofar says:

    I think the symbolism of marriage will hold together some relationships that would have broken up had it simply stayed as co-habitation. I’ve got no stats to back this up. Frankly, I think most marriage statistics are over-simplifying situations. There are an infinite number of reasons a relationship could end. No two relationships are the same. Yadda yadda yadda.

    I guess I’m just old fashioned and believe that a couple should get married if they plan on living together indefinetely.

    Maybe having the marriage gives the couple another reason (or a better reason) to make more of an effort to work on the relationship.

  4. Unfortunately, as axinia wrote in her blog, marriage doesn’t save the couples who would have broken up if they stayed as cohabiters. That’s not a good reason to get married, your marriage will be a failure on these assumptions. If the boat’s already sinking, marriage won’t help it to float.
    But you’re right, WIGSF, marriage gives the couple a better reason to make efforts for the relationship, as long as both partners suscribe and stick to this principle.

  5. Shae says:

    Honestly, I’ve seen people get married just because they’ve been with each other for seven years or for all the wrong reasons, but the marriage ends up in divorce.

    As for me, this is my second marriage and the same goes for my husband. We avoided the big wedding stuff as neither one of us cared for it the second time around. Let’s just say that it’s a lot of work, but we strive to do our best to keep it together. As long as you have open communication, trust, and love each other with all your heart (hence, my romantic side kicking in!); then you can fight to keep moving forward together regardless of vows, but for us, we keep our vows sacred because it’s the path we took.

    I guess it truly depends if two people are willing to take a chance and put some effort into their relationship regardless of taking vows or not. 😀

    Modobs: I really love coming here and reading your blog. You really make me think about life and such along with relationships. You’re the best!

  6. Pingback: www.topweddingadvice.info » Passive

  7. Thank you so much Shae! You’re absolutely right, married or not, the most important thing for a couple, if they want the relationship to last, is to put effort in it.
    And yes, it’s a lot of work, but when you’re with the right person, this doesn’t seem as a burden at all, if you know what I mean 😉

  8. some relationships work, some don’t.

    my brother lives with his girlfriend, and neither want to get married because neither want to have children. they believe marriage is best suited for when a couple wants to raise a family. i have to agree with that.

    but if my brother were to get married, his accountant told him to get a pre-nuptial agreement to protect his assets in case the marriage ends in divorce.

    some relationships work, some don’t. marriage just makes it more expensive when that relationship fails…

  9. Drunk american, the financial aspect of the wedding is one argument I often hear from couples who don’t want to marry.
    Yet, the prenup is really helpful when things turn sour in a marriage, while when you’re not married, well, the division of the belongings can be tricky after years of cohabitation.

  10. There is a choice on what makes a “successful relationship”. Is length and no apparent problems the determinant of success? Or is it that the relationship is an expression of joy? There are no statistics for the latter.

    I look at this as a trend. In earlier times, there was no option – you stayed together, even if miserable. And so, people didn’t express the misery and just shut down to bear it. Is this right, or better? Who’s to say. But we’re going towards a general society of less suppression. It will take time and growing pains.

    http://www.loving-awareness.org/

  11. That’s a difficult question, Matthew Spears. Recently, I was reading an interview of the former CEO of the Lazard Bank, who said he didn’t understand why we are now separating for a yes or a no, while in his generation, they would have stayed together even if they were unhappy. Maybe he has reason after all, some couples don’t make enough effort to stay together anymore, as we become more and more individual and selfish. Maybe he’s wrong too.

  12. Jane says:

    People aren’t married because they always think they can do better. Unfortunately, we all age, grow old and less attractive unless you’re swimming in boatloads of money like Rupert Murdoch or Bill Gates…Maybe those people can do better, but for the most part, people are deluding themselves

  13. Hi Jane,

    Thank you for sharing your view. This is a bit harsh, it’s like saying non married couples are all cold-hearted. There are couples that think they could find better, though.

  14. radha says:

    in my experience, whenever i introspect, i find out to be a traditional girl who believe that merrying gives an auspiciousness to the union that people who ar enot merried will not have during the time. In a marriage a couple grow faster from inside than a couple of unmerried ones. the issue of having a mother who divorced is just a justification, i am very familiar with this experience. the happiness the unmerried people talk about has got not the same depth of the happiness that you feel when you are merried. It should be tried to understand 🙂

  15. Hi radha,
    thanks for your point of view. Yet, I can’t judge if it’s better or not to be married, it’s so personal, and it has a lot of exceptions, unfortunately. I’m happy for you.

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