broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Goodbye my lover

… I saw the end before it began

Recently, one of my female colleagues announced us she was going to divorce, after more than twenty years of marriage. She didn’t have a very common marriage with her future ex-husband. Although they have four kids together, they barely lived together when they were married, because of her husband’s profession that sends him everywhere in the world.  Instead of following him everywhere he went for his job, she just waited patiently for his return, like a Penelope for his Odysseus. When she arrived in our newsroom, she told us her husband wasn’t living with them because he lived in Ireland for a mission. We asked her why she didn’t join him there, and she replied she would love to, but she couldn’t because he was about to change place again. She also told us this situation was already like that when they met for the first time.”We met in a party celebrating his departure for another country. Our long-distance relationship had started from the beginning”  she said.

Last year, she started to complain she had enough and told me she was going to leave our country to join him, and starts as a U.K. correspondant for our newspaper. But she also explained her husband was clearly against this idea, and this is where everyone in the newsroom started to wonder if he had a mistress and didn’t want her to discover about it.  But she decided to take a long holiday to spend time with him and her four children in Ireland  anyway. When she came back, she told us she was going to divorce. Obviously, her husband loved his tranquility away from home and got used too much to it.

Her relationship, as she described it, was ill -fated from the start. I do know long-distance couples that have managed to make it work, because their situation was only temporary. But here, since the beginning, her husband has chosen to stay far away.

There are other examples of ill-fated relationships: for example, if you start an affair with a married man,  marry a man that’s already been unfaithful to you, or simply start a relationship with someone who’s not good for you and everyone around you warns you against it.

“When I met J., all my friends told me I was completely out of my mind. There was also something that was telling me I was wrong: I couldn’t smell him. He told me lies all the time, but I was in love and I believed him.  Sometimes, I had some doubts about what he told me, for example about his real job, his studies, but then, I just forgot about it. One day, an old  woman called me and asked me where J. was, and told me he owed her a lot of money she gave him to put on her bank account for her, because she barely could move. And that’s where I discovered he was a crook specialized in diddling old ladies that trusted him. I told him about the phone incident, and the day after, he simply  disappeared. I came back into the apartment we shared together, and all his belongings had gone with him. I never saw him again after” K., 35, said.

We all get fooled by the others, but sometimes, there are warning signals that indicate us not to follow that road, and yet, we refuse to see it.

So, have you already experienced a situation like these, where there were obvious signals in the start that told you this relationship wouldn’t last?



11 thoughts on “Goodbye my lover

  1. I met his family two weeks into dating. We were thrust into tailgating and football all day. His 14 yo daughter was a freak: goth, sullen, grouchy, wordless. His father was quiet, the hen pecked enabler, by choice too deaf to know what was going on around him. His mother was a mouthy, bossy narcissist. I made a conscious decision not to judge them or their family dynamics, figuring that they weren’t my business, per se.

    How could I have fooled myself into thinking that my attending, kind, thoughtful fellow could have come out unscathed from this crew? It took a few years, but I finally found the underlying cheater and the pathological liar in him, plus a couple extra wives to boot.

    I should have known something was up just meeting his family. Well, I did know something was up. I just didn’t listen to myself. He had no foundation and had no real idea how to connect. His family showed me that very clearly. I didn’t run back then, although that was my instinct.

  2. Sorry Cricket you had to experience this. It’s never pleasant to realize we’d been fooled by our partner, but we all learn from our bad experience(s).

  3. Pingback: The Great Movies » Blog Archive » Goodbye my lover

  4. dontdatethatdude says:

    Great post! It’s amazing to me how long people will stay in a relationship that is not mutually beneficial! I have done my time in that area and had many clues about my X, but chose not to pay attention. I thought his “good” outweighed his “bad”, but all the signs were there right from the start!

  5. Twenty years? She waited twenty years to leave this guy? I wonder if her life was sadly unfulfilling in general.

    Yes, there are definitely warning signs and I usually choose to ignore them all because I’m a fool like that 🙂

  6. Raindreamer says:

    When I met him, he was already heavy drinker. You could see how it was developing. There was other reasons it did not develope any further, but part of me wanted to save him from himself. Only later I understood how sick the situation was.

  7. DDTD, yes, it’s amazing how we can blind ourselves like that for so many years. It’s always difficult to quit in those cases, because it puts you in face of the failure of your couple, and it’s a pill difficult to swallow.

    Stiletto, yes, twenty years. I don’t know, maybe they were happy for some times, otherwise they wouldn’t have lasted that long. Again, it’s amazing how we can choose not to see the bad side of a situation.

    Raindreamer, there is a do-gooder in every of us. It’s sad that it can lead to a broken heart.

  8. I actually into this problem now.. 😦
    This is not about a mutual relationship. He’s a nice person, has a good job, and has everything i ever wanted. We have no problem with our family, but yeah, there’s one thing we cant negotiate… but still we’re together..
    Yes, i saw the end before it began, but i dont have the courage for any decission.. i might be stupid cos this relationship just hung up and hurting us both. Sooner or later, i need to be ready with the consequencess. Yeah, he said he will let me go once i found another man, but before that, he asked me to stay with him. And i just dont have the power/heart to leave him… :((

  9. Yuni,
    You’re not stupid, just trapped into your emotions. That makes a huge difference. But it’s never worth suffering for someone else.I hope things will improve for you.

  10. m. says:

    What can you do when you blinded by love / lust as well as your wants and needs…

    I met a man that I saw was kind and very appealing to me… we spent some time together and very quickly I saw that he was selfish to his own needs and wants. Nothing came of it and four years later our paths crossed again… I walked straight down the same road, and although I remembered the hurt from his selfish ways from the last time I convinced myself that this was different… ofcourse I only ended up more hurt and confused by his actions toward me… I am a little heart broken but also a little wiser… i hope..

  11. Hi M.

    It’s always a delicate situation, where you have to choose between the reason and the heart. I’m sorry for you. I hope you’re wiser too…

    Thanks for stopping by.

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