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Selfless, cold and composed


In one episode of Sex and the City, Charlotte York has the idea to organize a party where her female friends would bring a man they have no feelings for because “a man that doesn’t please one woman could make another one happy”.

So, this makes me think: would we all be able to bring one of our ex’s  in a party like that? I’m not sure. Personally, there are some of my ex’s I wouldn’t recommend even to my worst enemy, so I would answer no to this question. But there are some of them  that just leave me cold and not true assholes, and I guess they would do the trick for a party like that.  And when I asked the question around me, the answers went more or less like this:

  1. Some women told me they could bring some of their ex’s to a party like that because they remained friends with them, but recognized he wasn’t just the right man for them because they had different centers of interest, different tastes for everything, different views on life,… “I broke up with H. because we realized we simply had nothing in common, but we remained friends. I’m sure he would find a woman that would better suit to him than me. I’ll be happy the day he will find his match”  I., 30, said. “We didn’t come from the same world, and were the complete opposite of each other. I must say I was a little bit embarrassed  when we went out together to see my family, my friends, my colleagues, and he had the same impression on his side. It was the best for both of us to split and to find a person that would suit us best. I would definitely recommend him to another woman, but it depends on which woman, of course” M., 31, explained.

  2. Some women recognized  they are a bit ashamed of their ex’s and they would never recommend them to another woman.”There was a time in my life when I would only date total losers because I didn’t love myself that much. They were either crooks, cheaters,  junkie, alcoholic or accumulated every flaw, so I wouldn’t recommend them to another woman” K., 34, said. “The only two men I dated so far were the abusive kind of guys. They had such a bad influence on me and always told me I did everything wrong. They would criticize me in front of everyone, including my family and my friends. So, I wouldn’t want any woman to endure such a painful relationship” H., 35, said. “Most of my ex’s were the allergic-to-commitment kind of guys, not exactly the kind of guys you would recommend to your single friends” T., 35, explained.

  3. And finally, there were the women who told me they still had feelings for their ex, and would find it hard to let him to another woman, even if they are already in another relationship with a man they love. “It’s been three years now since we have broken up, and even if I started a new relationship with someone else, I think I would have difficult to accept the fact my ex has moved on with another woman. It’s a strange feeling” J., 34, said. “I have to admit I don’t see any of my ex anymore, but I would find it awkward to see them with another woman. Most of my past relationship didn’t end up that well because they left me abruptly, telling me just that I wasn’t the one they were looking for. So, with most of them, the anger and the heartache are still very much alive, and so, I wouldn’t recommend them to other women” B., 31, said.

So, would you recommend your ex’s to another man/woman?

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9 thoughts on “Selfless, cold and composed

  1. interesting perspective; i would not recommend my ex’s to my friends, not because they’re bad people, but they’re not ready for relationships and need time to mature (hence the breakups). great blogging, and keep in touch on the blogosphere!

  2. Pingback: Selfless, cold and composed

  3. dontdatethatdude says:

    I would never recommend my Ex’s to my friends or any other woman, I think they should be branded, because they are old enough to know better and still haven’t changed. I am sure they never will!

  4. Wherever you go, there you are.

    With my ex’s, it’d be same ol’ same ol’ immaturity and lack of ability to be in relationship. They’re sow’s ears, even if it isn’t immediately apparent. Doesn’t stop them from finding new relationshps on their own, though, and I can only wonder, “What are these women thinking?” as I feel very sorry for them and their marriages.

  5. Oh, Cricket, it’s hard to understand why women fall for the wrong guys. Although we have each a reason for that, finally, it all boils down to one thing: self-esteem issues.

  6. Verity says:

    I think that if you broke up with or even just gave up on someone and you retain feelings for them it can be a decent second best to feel that you picked out their subsequent partner. I did this – i fixed up a girlfriend with a guy that I had prior history with and remain a close friend of because it just hadn’t taken off between us it wasn’t going to and I knew he would find someone eventually so i pre-empted by pushing him in the direction of a women i actually like already therefore I found it easier to deal with. I worry that the effectiveness of the charlotte york model of singles’ party is depedent upon your number???? Anyone else? In all honesty I mostly worry my controlling actions as detailed above make me more like charlotte york than i care to admit but there you go love is a weirder playing field than i realised when i was young and unsullied and didn’t have to fix up gorgeous “unfinished business” with my friends in order to keep tabs on them….

  7. Hi Verity,
    Thank you for sharing your experience. Of course, it’s easier to do this if you went to the end of the relationship with your ex.

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