broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

When it’s over

… That’s where I fall in love again

We have various behaviors with our ex’s when it’s over. Some ex-lovers will remain good friends, some will continue to sleep with each other, some will simply lose each other out of sight. It all depends on the depth of the past relationship, but also on the length and the feelings involved. When I ask around me what’s the relationship people have with their ex’s, I get multiple answers, and sometimes, it feels so sad.

“N. and I stayed together for 5 years, until I broke up with him because I was tired of his numerous infidelities. I was so pissed about him that I didn’t want to see him after the break up. Three months after, he called me because he wanted to talk to me. He told me he was sorry about what he did to me, and that we should remain friends because I will always be part of his life. It was a bit awkward at the beginning of our friendship, but since in my head, it was over, and he had moved on too, we have developed a true friendship ” B., 29, said.

Our relationship was not healthy at all, because I kept on mothering him. When it ended, I felt so bad I left him. He had a problem to find a place to live, so I offered him to stay in my apartment until he found his own. During his stay, I couldn’t help to take care of him because I felt guilty, but it was killing me inside. So, after two months in that situation, I told him to get out of my apartment. It helped me to move on a lot” P., 34, said.

When I left him, he told me he couldn’t live without me and started to call me numerous times. I felt so guilty about his misery that I couldn’t cut all contacts with him and just tried to  help him moving on. But it was impossible: he just wanted me back. After many many conversations with him that didn’t go anywhere, I decided to change my phone number and to move in another town, so he couldn’t reach me anymore. I’ve never seen him again” I., 33, said.

P. is the greatest lover I’ve ever had. We broke up because we simply couldn’t get along with each other, but there was one domain where we would get along so well: sex. We remain friends, fuck friends to be precised. I call him whenever I want to sleep with him, and he calls me whenever he wants too. Including when we are in a relationship. Right now, P. is dating another woman, and I’m dating another man, but we still see each other. I don’t feel guilty about this at all”O., 36, said.

“I don’t remain friends with my ex’s. Each time it’s over, I erase them totally from my life, even if we were friends before we started dating. I throw away all their belongings that they didn’t take back, delete all the mails and SMS they sent me, give away to charity their gifts,… I need this blackout, especially when my heart is broken. It helps me figure out what went wrong and to move on” A.,30, said.

“I try to remain friends with my ex’s, but each time, it’s always the same situation. Either he gets jealous of my new man, either I get jealous of his new conquest. We always end up in a fight for that, and eventually don’t speak to each other anymore” E., 35, said.

He became my best friend after we split. In fact, we had to break up because he finally accepted his homosexuality, and I helped him accept this. I didn’t take it personally, although I had some doubts about my feminity after that. But we were friends before we went together, and we just wanted to pursue this wonderful friendship ” T., 32, said.

If you have zero consideration for your ex because he/she sucks miserably, chances are you won’t remain friends with your ex. If one of the couple has still feelings for the other while it’s not the case anymore for the other partner, friendship is also impossible.

So, do you remain friends with your ex’s, avoid them, or  just let them disappear?


13 thoughts on “When it’s over

  1. dontdatethatdude says:

    I think each situation with my ex’s has been different, some I stay friends with and others I just could not. For the majority of them when it was over for me it was over and I didn’t want to be friends. Others I wanted to be friends and they didn’t, but even if I remained friends I didn’t have intimate relations with them again even if they wanted to. I have to separate it that way.

  2. twillmill says:

    for a long time before the breakup I began to realize that he mearly sqeezed me when it was convienent for him. I was invited to anything he was doing but…..he did not spend alot of time with me alone. Like vacations with freinds, days off inviting other to come alon with us. He was intersted in sex only when the “mood” struck him. the final straw was he needed money so he took in a new divorced single women to his condo where he lived and gave her the same $$ deal he offered me to move in. Last I left it I said “call me if you have time for just me” I have not heard from him….what gives??? We dated for 2 years. ADVISE?? I have a huge broken heart

  3. Hi twillmill,
    You certainly can’t remain friend with your ex, and it’s best for you that you stay away from him. Why do you depreciate yourself like that? You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Love yourself, it’s the only advice I can give you.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  4. twillmill says:

    thanks mdobs,
    That’s the same advise my friend just gave me on the phone today. I’m just not sure how to over my broken heart. I can’t rmember the last time I have been in such deep pain.

  5. You’re welcome, twillmilll. Indulge yourself. I know it sometimes works when you have a broken heart. It can be by spending time with the ones you love (friends, family), eating moderately ice cream,chocolate,… treat yourself with a massage, a facial, retail therapy,… And let time do his job.
    Happy holidays to you.

  6. Elle says:

    That’s not true about not being able to be friends if one is in love with the other. Though I love my ex, I’ve since dated and moved on. It’s been almost four years now. We are still friends, and he still tells me now and again how he loves me (in love with me). He doesn’t say it often, because he says that he doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable or obligated to say it back… but that he feels he shouldn’t hide those true feelings. …and I don’t mind that he says those things. I know that he loves me. I do wish he could find someone else to make him happy, but I will never restrain my friendship with someone I once cared so much about because of his current feelings. He’s a great friend, no matter how he feels about me. I’d be nuts to give that friendship up. He knows that we will probably never be together again… but I’m not going to estrange someone who can look at me and still see the great things about me. He keeps his feelings open with me, but doesn’t push them upon me. He’s beautiful for that, and I adore him.

  7. twillmill says:

    it’s Christmas and I am so tempted to call him. I’m such a softee…th’at how i end with guys that take advantage of my good nature. I’m too forgiving. How do I hold a strong boundary and be forgiving without being a sap.

  8. Hi Elle, I’m glad for you that you remain friend with your ex. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Twimill, just stay away from him. I know it is difficult.

  9. twillmill says:

    Elle that’s great that you can be freinds with an ex and not have the same sgtrong feelings for him. He is obviously letting you kow that he still is in love with you and would most likely be there for another relationship with you if possible.

    modobs I talked to the guy today and the best I can get is that it is over between us…even though he would not say it…….so I am better for knowing it and I can move on now. Idont’ have to wonder anymore….I deserve so much better than him……

  10. twillmill says:

    I guess in a long term relationship you wrap your identity around the other person and when he/she is gone…it is hard to remember who you were before the relationship. In m y next relationship I will be sure set my boundaries from the start….that way if the guy doesn’t fit into what I am looking for at least I won’t leave myself open to fall in love with the wrong guy.
    Thanks modobs for listening

  11. twillmill, in a long term relationship, there is always a part of you that will be forever marked by it. Of course, the relationship changes you, but remember also that time plays an important part in this. It’s necessary to be a little bit introspective after a break up, otherwise you will keep on repeating the same mistakes again and again.
    You’re welcome!

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