As we spent the end of the year in one of my friends’ house, each of us reviewed 2007 on a personal level. One of my friends was glad this year was over, because it also marked the end of a tumultuous and destructive relationship she had with her ex. She told us she got trapped with a narcissistic pervert, as described by Marie-France Hirigoyen.
This kind of personality trouble affects men and women. It’s not reserved only to men, you can also find tormentors in the female population. A narcissistic pervert is a manipulative, immature, self centered person who finds pleasure in harassing his/her partner. You don’t necessarily see him coming, according to my friend. “When I met him, I was attracted by his charisma. This guy has an incredible power of catching everyone’s attention when he was in a group, in a room, in a reception,… He was very intelligent and cultivated. When we started dating, he was absolutely charming, but the little lamb slowly turned into a wolf” she said. “I began to realize he basically used everyone around him to make him feel important, and that his conversation revolved only around him. He made me feel invisible, he never asked me how I was feeling and never told me that he loved me. He started to criticize me all the time about the way I dressed or simply on childish things. Once, he told me I had big cheeks, and that he didn’t like that. Another time, he criticized one sentence I used all the time, saying that I should stop telling that. Each time I threatened him to leave, he just came back to me miserable and I hadn’t the courage to quit. I couldn’t sleep well when I was with him, I gained a few pounds, all my friends and family were worried for me” she added.
In this article, I found a short description of the mechanism behind all this. The narcissistic pervert will look for a victim that will feed his narcissism. It could be everyone, not necessarily a weak personality. My friend isn’t a weak personality. She knows what she wants from life. But every psychologist would tell you it’s really easy to manipulate and dominate someone else, if you know how. Luckily for my friends, she finally managed to get rid of him. F., 32, hasn’t got that chance.
F.’s been dating a shrew since they were in high school, and has never known any other woman than her. She had found in him a slave that do whatever she wants. She told him how to dress: he can’t look too good when he goes to work or goes out because she’s possessive and jealous. She forbid H. to have friends because she’s possessive and jealous, but that didn’t stop her from cheating (many times) on him. She doesn’t work and just live maintained by H. He.’s not stupid at all, but she has taken control on him. It took her years to get to that result. She has the same manipulative profile than my friend’s ex: childish, very intelligent and egocentric.
Here’s the question of the day: could you manipulate the one you love? Personally, I could never do that.