broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dismantle me

As we spent the end of the year in one of my friends’ house, each of us reviewed 2007 on a personal level. One of my friends was glad this year was over, because it also marked the end of a tumultuous and destructive relationship she had with her ex. She told us she got trapped with a narcissistic pervert, as described by Marie-France Hirigoyen.

This kind of personality trouble affects men and women. It’s not reserved only to men, you can also find tormentors in the female population. A narcissistic pervert is a manipulative, immature, self centered person who finds pleasure in harassing his/her partner. You don’t necessarily see him coming, according to my friend. “When I met him, I was attracted by his charisma. This guy has an incredible power of catching everyone’s attention when he was in a group, in a room, in a reception,… He was very intelligent and cultivated. When we started dating, he was absolutely charming, but the little lamb slowly turned into a wolf” she said. “I began to realize he basically used everyone around him to make him feel important, and that his conversation revolved only around him. He made me feel invisible, he never asked me how I was feeling and never told me that he loved me. He started to criticize me all the time about the way I dressed or simply on childish things. Once, he told me I had big cheeks, and that he didn’t like that. Another time, he criticized one sentence I used all the time, saying that I should stop telling that. Each time I threatened him to leave, he just came back to me miserable and I hadn’t the courage to quit. I couldn’t sleep well when I was with him, I gained a few pounds, all my friends and family were worried for me” she added.

In this article, I found a short description of the mechanism behind all this. The narcissistic pervert will look for a victim that will feed his narcissism. It could be everyone, not necessarily a weak personality. My friend isn’t a weak personality. She knows what she wants from life. But every psychologist would tell you it’s really easy to manipulate and dominate someone else, if you know how. Luckily for my friends, she finally managed to get rid of him. F., 32,  hasn’t got that chance.

F.’s been dating a shrew since they were in high school, and has never known any other woman than her. She had found in him a slave that do whatever she wants. She told him how to dress: he can’t look too good when he goes to work or goes out because she’s possessive and jealous. She forbid H. to have friends because she’s possessive and jealous, but that didn’t stop her from cheating (many times) on him.  She doesn’t work and just live maintained by H. He.’s not stupid at all, but she has taken control on him. It took her years to get to that result. She has the same manipulative profile than my friend’s ex: childish, very intelligent and egocentric.

The film Boxing Helena describes more or less this mechanism, with way more drama, though.

Here’s the question of the day: could you manipulate the one you love?  Personally, I could never do that.



9 thoughts on “Dismantle me

  1. The Last Spartan says:

    I think that subconsciously, many of us do that. I think that we all want someone to boost our ego. I don’t think I could torment someone to the degree that you describe and I am not so sure that it’s a conscious decision to manipulate.

    Many narcissists are subtle and may not even realize that their personality is this way. These are some of the most manipulative people around. I know. I’m related to some.

  2. dontdatethatdude says:

    I have been involved with 2 narcissistics, at least I think that is what they were. They were not abusive in overt ways, to me it felt like they lacked the proper human emotions or if they did seem to be emotional it was only about them, they seemed unable to feel empathy for others in anyway, as if they were acting the part to fit in, but had no real experience with feelings as they relate to others. No textbook cases, I suppose. For myself, I think I have been manipulative when I wanted to a situation to turn in my favor, I could use my feminine wiles to accomplish this, but I didn’t feel it was harmful to the other person. Maybe I’m in denial!

  3. LS, wanting to boost your ego is natural, but with the one you love? And it’s terrible if you don’t realize you’re manipulating someone else. But these narcissistics realize from time to time what they’re doing, then forget about it and go on.

  4. DDTD, maybe they were simply immature, or real P.N., I don’t know. Using your feminine wiles to turn a situation in your favor is manipulative, but there is no harm done 🙂 I can tell you I use this a lot in my job, and it is quite helpful 😀

  5. Raindreamer says:

    I have red that me narsistic personalities don’t actually are aware of being manipulative. Inside themselves they are really insecure due to unstable childhood, like child abuse. Narsist can only start healing if he/she admits being one and that is very unlikely as his/her whole world would collapse. Outsiders can do very little to help these people.

  6. whoknowswhy says:

    I think no one would want to manipulate a loved one. However, it’s hard to be perceived as just all the time. There are times you do certain things thinking it’s for the best of the other person; and the person concerned just thinks s/he is being manipulated. Brain is a funny thing!

    As for years, I would have been glad that last year is no more if I had not started 2008 just as I ended it. (Not quite true, just that I did not manage to leave aside something that developed towards the very end of 2007; so it trickled over into 2008. They say, every day is a new beginning. So we don’t need a new year’s day just to start over.)

  7. Raindreamer, like every mental disease, the narcissistic pervert isn’t aware of it, you’re right about it.

    wkw, indeed, every day is a new beginning. But sometimes, I have the feeling to live like in the movie Groundhog Day, especially when I have a hectic schedule at work.

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