broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, Music, relationships, thoughts, women

Daddy’s gone

Our relationship with our parents determines a lot our future love life. For women, the bond we have with our father plays an important role in our choice of men. But some women haven’t had the chance (or have the luck) to know their father. Either because their mom chose to raise them on their own, because they were an “accident” and the biological father didn’t want to take his responsibilities, either because their parents divorced when they were young and because their father just disappeared into nature/ started a new family with another woman and neglected his past one. “My parents divorced when I was three, and he moved to another country, so I barely remember anything from him. Especially since he didn’t want to keep contact with me. I haven’t received any single letter, phone call, … from him since he was gone” P., 35, said.”My father was a pathetic loser, but I ignored completely his existence until once, my mom told me the truth about him. I needed to know who he was, so I did a bit of researches, and found him. My mom didn’t want to tell me how he was, just that she met him in a bar and got accidentally pregnant when they slept together. For me, it was a shock, I couldn’t imagine he would be so pathetic since my mom did a wonderful job raising me on her own”R., 31, said. “My father died in an accident when I was one year old” L., 34, said.

How does the lack of a father figure affect our love life? A friend of mine, who was raised by her mom, admits her choice of dating older men than her is linked with her relationship with her dad. “My father, well, I was glad my mom got rid of him when I was four. I have a really low esteem for him. For me, he’s just a loser. A few years ago, he wanted to come back into our lives, but I pleaded my mom not to take him back, and she didn’t” she said. “In my love life, I go unconsciously for much older men than me. When I was 16, I was dating a men who had 35 and two children. Now, my man is 52 , and has also two lovely daughters. I want an accomplished man, who’s the exact opposite of my father” she said. I., 32, admits she looks for someone who will be “her father, her confident, her lover and her friend”. My mom left my dad when I was five, because he was abusive and violent with her. I promised to myself at that age I would never marry a man like him. Now, I can disqualify a man just because he lost temporarily his temper” she said.

The lack of a father can also affect our self-esteem, and have disastrous consequences on our love life. “I never knew my father. My mom decided to keep me while he wanted her to abort, and he disappeared into nature after I was born. I suffered a lot of not having a father, and I had a really low self-esteem when I was younger. My love life was a catastrophe. I dated only men who weren’t good for me and who kept on tormenting my heart, until one day, I decided to go to therapy” O., 36, said.

So, does you relationship with your father influence your taste in men? And for men reading this, does the way your father treat your mother affect your love life?



7 thoughts on “Daddy’s gone

  1. dontdatethatdude says:

    I believe my relationship with my father played a significant role in the men I chose in the past. I have wondered about this because I thought that women who had “bad” fathers automatically chose “bad” men, but that isn’t always the case. It also doesn’t explain why women with “great” fathers chose “bad” men. It’s an interesting topic I have thought about a lot!

  2. whatigotsofar says:

    I’m pretty sure growing up watching my parents relationship happen before my eyes has played a significant role in my not wanting to get married and the whole “love is chemically no different than eating large amounts of chocolate” thing.

  3. DDTD, I don’t think there’s a direct link between having a bad father and a bad man, but it sure has a consequence on our self-esteem and it can lead to the wrong choice of men. Yet, I think the key in this is self-esteem, not the dad.

    WIGSF, was the relationship between your parents that terrible?

  4. whatigotsofar says:

    They’re still together. You see, its hard for me to compare their relationship. Its the only married couple I’ve really seen all that well. Its just that, if that’s was marriage (or any long term relationship) is, I don’t think I want that. Or maybe I do want that, but I know that no woman will want that with me.

    Its like they don’t really have any similar interests anymore. Getting each other to do things is like pulling teeth. If I was in a relationship with someone, I’d want someone who likes to do the things I do.

  5. As I read about all the diffrent situations and thoughts on how a father influences the love life nad upbringing of a child, a duaghter inparticular, the more terrified I become.
    I myself have never known my biological father, I although had a wonderful, loving, generous man who was willing to take his place when I was three. He was more of a parent to me than my mother ever was.
    I am now having a daughter of my own in four months. My boyfriend, the father, has decided to have nothing to do with me or his daughter. It all came about after he decided to tell his parents 2 weeks ago. They thought I was being selfish for keking the baby< and I should abort it or give it up. They said I would be a terrible mother doing this on my own without a father. Are they right? Iam I just going to screw up her entire life as a woman?
    The ting is I do not understand what went wrong. We were fighting alot, but we were both stressed, terrified for what was to come, and both worked and I am still in college, last semester.
    He left me, he kicked me out of our apartment, took me off te lease, left me with now where to go, I had to withdraw from school, quit my job< loose my benefits, mty friends, my home and everything I worked so hard for the last four years, and him and his family believe this is my fault. I am guilty of loving him, standing by him, and yes being protective, caucious and very hormonal. He refuses to talk to me, even legal issues like belongings, mail, and medical information for the baby.
    If someone can help me understand why men do this, or what might be his reasoning, please say something. I need closure…he didnt even say godbye, 2 years together, building and sharing a home, talk of marriage ( down the road), laughs and tears…i was throwna way like trash, and I feel so insignificant to him, and used. How does someone move on? and how do i look at my daughter and tell her why her daady is not here for her and I?

  6. Hi Jelyn,

    I feel sorry for you and for your daughter. All men are not like him, fortunately. Just explain her the truth about her dad, and love her the more you can do. It can affect her, but as long as she’s surrounded by love, she will be OK. It will take time for you to move on, but you will move on. I know in time like these you can have a low self-esteem, but hey, remember that you’re worth it.
    Thanks for stopping by.

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