broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Chain reaction


Recently, an old friend of mine I haven’t seen for a while got in touch with me thanks to facebook. She was a close friend of a frienemy of mine, who hated me because of the link I had with her ex. My friend told me they have broken up and that she got married with one of his best friends. I guess her ex (and my ex-friend) must have been less than thrilled by the news. But since I cut completely all contacts with him, I would never know.

They started dating ten years ago just two weeks after I kissed him and almost slept with him while I was drunk (the cocktail with alcohol and antibiotics doesn’t work so well with me). I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him after that, but apparently, he didn’t think that way. Instead, I started dating another guy one week after. I learned years later he was devastated I just chose that option. My friend told me her friend and him stayed together for three years, and that he was really awful with her. She also said that he treated her as a substitute, because her friend had the impression he only loved the thought of her. They broke up because she found out he was cheating on her.

I feel really bad for her but yet glad she could move on and found happiness with another man. Somehow, I feel a little bit responsible for the failure of her relationship, because I turned her ex into a monster. When we were friends, my mom and my BFF thought we would get married together. I just loved him as a brother and was really close to him. My BFF warned me he wanted more than my friendship at that time. Once, we went to a party, and he started to shout at my ex, saying he was an idiot. It turned into a fight, and I was really mad after him for that incident. When I was 16, I was sent to California for three months for a cultural exchange, and when I came back to my country, all my friends told me he was miserable without me. I knew at that time he was in love with me, and instead of taking my distance with him, I just continued my so-called friendship with him. Until that kiss. I was a monster with him, I completely ignored his feelings and acted like a real douche. I guess he got bitter when I rejected him. When he started dating her, we took our distance because she didn’t like me. She was mad at me each time she saw me talking to him. When I think about it, he jumped into this relationship a bit too quickly. She served as a rebound for him.

I really believe we aren’t born as true douchebag/ bastard/ asshole, but we become it as the result of our failed experience with the others.

Do you think being a monster with your ex could transform him/her into one?

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24 thoughts on “Chain reaction

  1. Hmm, I’m not so sure myself but I do hope that I don’t make use of anyone as a rebound. I was made used of as a rebound the other time and it felt awful.

  2. Raindreamer says:

    Sorry did not mean you-you – let me rephrase it: “Does one really turn some one monster with ones silly behaviour, I wonder…

  3. oh, my bad. I believe it’s possible, but only if the person you were mean to has the ability to become a monster. My ex-friend wasn’t an angel, he didn’t have much respect for women in general.

  4. Raindreamer says:

    Yes, well that is different story all together. Maybe he would not have treated you much better either would you have been stupid enough to get involved whit him.

  5. Cricket, unfortunately, each of our love stories leaves a footprint on us, sometimes badly. 😦

    Raindreamer, it’s Ok, I don’t blame myself too much for that. Thanks for caring.

  6. dontdatethatdude says:

    Yes, I believe our actions can effect others. What they decide to do with that effect is their own business . . .

  7. Stardust says:

    I half agree. Every thing that we say or do with or to another person has an effect on them but also on us. I dont think people turn into monsters but I think that if they have a prior prediliction towards treating a member of the opposite sex, badly; having a bad experience themselves can give them an “excuse” or reason to behave badly again.

  8. whatigotsofar says:

    I am that monster. Seven and half years ago, I was in a friendship with this woman. I wanted more from that friendship. She didn’t. She knew about my feelings and I believe she handled it quite poorly. Not exactly the way you handled it, but something similar. When the friendship ended, I behaved horribly. I did things no sane man would ever do. Her behaviour after the friendship ended was just to completely ignore me. I almost don’t blame her for that, I was a borderline raving lunatic. I haven’t heard from her at all since the friendship ended.
    I wasn’t always this ball of bitterness. If you go back and read some of my comments, you’ll probably notice a trend in my thoughts. I still have a lot of hate in me.
    In 2000, I blamed her entirely. Looking back, I can see how I made mistakes. But I still have no willingness to forgive her for her part in the mess. She knew what she was doing. She knew it was wrong. She did it anyway. I am a monster. She made me. If she ever gets the guts to ask me for forgiveness, I won’t give it to her. My mind is set in stone on the issue.
    Every relationship is different, there are no two identical situations. But this tale really struck a nerve in me.

  9. WIGSF, indeed, the fault was on both side in my story. He should have been clear with me, I shouldn’t have played with his heart like that. It’s curious she never reappeared into your life. It’s my case too. I guess she judged it’s too late to come back now. That’s how I feel. I do know how bitter a man can be when he’s rejected. I have plenty examples around me.

    Stardust, you’re right about the excuse/reason to behave badly. We always have the choice in situations like these, yielding to our bad behaviours or choosing dignity. Not everyone is able to choose this last option.

  10. whatigotsofar says:

    She certainly has had ample opportunity to talk to me. I haven’t moved. My phone number is the same. We’ve even got one friend in common on Facebook. What I think is she barely remembers me at all. The person she was back then was a person who wouldn’t admit any sort of wrong doing on her part and blame everybody else for the ills in her life. If she’s still like that, she wouldn’t gimme a call. And it saves her a good tongue lashing too.

  11. If she’s like that, this would explain she wouldn’t call you. I did try once to get in touch with him, one year later the kiss, but he never wanted to see me again. Some people have an incredible ability to just erase you completely from their life, WIGSF. I know it’s difficult not to feel bitter about this.

  12. Raindreamer says:

    I don’t think WIGSF thing was the same – if he reacted toward the person in the blame. I think that is reasonable reaction.

    But treating 3rd person – an outsider – badly is another case all together.

    I’ve been hurt myself – in different way but still – and I was angry for persons who did it and the persons who supported them (the people who told me I should understand these guys), but never for totally outsiders.

  13. The 3rd person stuck between the two main protagonists of this triangle is a place I don’t envy, Raindreamer. I’m sorry for my ex-friend’s ex for what she went through with him.

  14. Pingback: Everything counts « What’s love got to do with it?

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