celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dear M.


Let’s start a new kind of posts in here. Since I started this blog, I have received some emails asking me for advice on love and life. The people who wrote them have allowed me to publish them. V. sent me this one a few days ago:

“I’m 38 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis. I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That’s disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 38 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I’m still searching. I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I’m terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.It happened last week. We met at a cafe and after finishing dinner he decided to break the news. In my old age I’ve lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor and the whole premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him there rather than going there together, obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwords. The moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, calmly got up and walked over to his side of the table and then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.The resounding whack caught everyone’s attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I hope I’m not becoming psychotic. I didn’t think I was capable of such behavior. I should swallow my pride and call him to apologize but it’s just so difficult to do.In retrospect, maybe I was more frustrated with myself than with him. The fact that I’m still unattached at 38 and just got dumped in public by someone five years my junior is not very inspiring. I really do feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, but I’m not quite sure what to do about it”

And this is what I replied to V.: 

“For your professional life, maybe this article could help you out.
For your personal life, I can understand you feel frustrated about your last relationship even if you weren’t heart broken. That move wasn’t really nice coming from him, and really hurtful. Apologizing to him? Well, if you feel guilty about this, then you should do it. One of my friends is the same age as you, and hasn’t found her prince charming like you. I know sometimes she feels desperate about this, and had also a lot of disappointments with men. Yet, recently, she decided she doesn’t need necessarily a man to be happy. She bought her house on her own and thinks now about adopting a child. Do you want to follow her path? Or do you really want a man to make you happy? In the end, only you can make you happy. I really believe the rest will follow”
What do you think? Any word of wisdom is welcomed here 🙂

6 thoughts on “Dear M.

  1. Hmm, dear M, huh? 😀

    What my parents have taught me is that, marriage is for companionship. Where you won’t be so lonely as you age because there is someone by your side after your kids have moved out.

    What a man is afraid of is choosing a wrong career, what a woman is afraid of is that she married the wrong man. It’s a Chinese saying, I don’t know if there’s any other languages with the same meaning.

    Assome are not anxious to be married, they want to ensure that they are entering the marriage with the most appropriate man/partner for life. Divorces are messy. Marrying late but with the suitable partner is more important to some these days.

    What V may need now is to recover her self-esteem. Then, start on the hunt process. Sorry, I don’t know any other way to call it at this moment 😛

  2. WishBoNe, this is a tribute to my favorite journalist, that has a column called “dear Lucy” 🙂
    Indeed, more and more women will look for a suitable partner before jumping into marriage. There are exceptions, though.
    Thanks for your comment!

  3. dontdatethatdude says:

    I think that maybe his ending the relationship this early was a blessing in disguise, before she was really involved. This also frees her up to look for a more suitable partner and indeed as WishBoNe stated we can adopt a child and buy our own houses etc if that is what you really want. In my opinion she should not apologize for slapping him, she acted from her gut, it’s not like she beat him up or anything, just hurt his pride a little. Who knows maybe next time he decides to end a relationship he will be less business like and more human. She did thank him for dinner! 😉

  4. Ericka says:

    As a 46 year old woman, who’s never been married or had children, my main message would be dont fret. First off, you still have plenty of time to find a signficant other, but if it doesn’t happen, you can still lead a happy and fulfilling life. I wouldn’t trade my lifestyle for those of my married friends.

    And as for the slap, please don’t apologize. I thought it was absolutely perfect, both for you and him, believe it or not. For you, it was a very classy and dignified way to blow off some steam, albeit a bit retro 😉 I don’t think any words could have expressed your feelings better. It was truly humiliating for him, but it will serve him well in that he’ll never break up with another woman in the same fashion. Also, wouldn’t it have been more damaging to his self esteem if you were indifferent about the break-up or even pleased?

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