broken heart, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Fix you

While some women look for a savior, others look for a man they can rescue. Some of us have this savior attitude that can ruin a relationship because we encourage the one we love to become overly dependent on us. I met once this woman who told me about her love life and how she would fall in love with men who all had that common point: they were vulnerable. “My ex’s didn’t lookalike physically, but psychologically, they all underwent a difficult period in their life. I fell in love with them when they were down. One was drinking, another one was suffering from a nervous breakdown, another one had financial difficulties and didn’t know how to get out of it. Their despair had such a powerful attraction on me. Each time, I thought I could save them. I offered them my help, but in the end, it always turned into the same scenario. They let me take all the important decisions in their life and completely relied on me for everything. I morphed into their mother, and I really felt uncomfortable with that. That’s why I had to leave them” she said. “I know I can’t help falling in love with this kind of guys. It’s just winning on me every time. Deep inside me, I have this St-Bernard attitude” she added.

One of my friends told me she also has a soft spot for “weak” personalities.“It’s not that I have a savior attitude, it’s just that I want a man who can understand I have ups but also downs in my life, and who can comfort me when I’m down. I have understood that those who underwent difficulties in their life have a better chance to have a true connection with me. One of my ex’s was the complete opposite of that, really uptight about everything, and when I lost my mother, he couldn’t understand why I was crying all the time, mourning my mom’s loss. For me, it’s important to have a man who’s sensitive” she said.

When you fall in love with a man/ woman who undergoes a tough period in his/her life, you face a list of risks. First, you can end up with a total loser. Second, with someone who will hang on you like a leech. Third, a really egocentric person that won’t care about your problem. Finally, you can get dumped because you served him/her as a trigger to feel better. But you have to make a difference between a temporary period or something that’s recurrent in his/her life. For example, we could all be fired from our job because of the difficult economic conditions of our company. But some people managed to get fired from every job they take. Likewise, financial problems can happen to all of us, but some of us make this problem permanent and don’t mind living on your salary.

Besides, why do we feel this need to help/save the other, while sometimes they don’t ask for that?

So, have you got a savior attitude in you? Or do people who have problems make you run away?


5 thoughts on “Fix you

  1. This rings true to me: “I have understood that those who underwent difficulties in their life have a better chance to have a true connection with me.”

    I could not relate to someone unless they had some sort of strife, something they’ve largely gotten over. It makes them more real and genuine. And perhaps they’ll understand me better, too. However, there’s a huge difference between vulnerability that makes one wise and appreciative versus co-dependency or enabling.

  2. dontdatethatdude says:

    I think I err to the side of savior, but my last relationship after my husband taught me about how I do that and I won’t do it again. I find I am no longer attracted to needy men, or men who just can’t seem to get their shit together. I am over it. It’s easy to be with someone who you can take care of because it puts you in a position of control, at least it does for me and I never have to depend on anyone, therefore I am not vulnerable. I think I am willing to be vulnerable now because I see the value in having someone else take on responsibility for the relationship with me, instead of doing it alone!😉

  3. Cricket, indeed, there’s a balance to find between vulnerability and strength. Showing your vulnerability makes you more human, but not co-dependency.

    DDTD, I always think that if you’re mothering too much your partner, it’s because you’re a control freak. Some people need to control everything in their life, including their significant other. I know some couples based on this dynamic, but I doubt if it’s sustainable.

  4. I am not normally a savior at all, but my last ex, who I hastily got involved with having NO idea what I was getting into, clearly was in need of saving.

    I will NEVER do this again.

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