broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

There’s love if you want it…

… don’t sound like no sonnet, my lord

In my newsroom, my male colleagues often speak in derogatory terms about one of our female collaborators, who is known to every of us as our office whore. She earned this unenviable reputation because she has tried to sleep with every single male in our office when she’s single. “The problem with her is that whenever a man shows her some attention, she starts to try to make everything possible to have him. And this is how she ends up with all sorts of losers, because the normal guys just don’t say yes to her advances” explained one of my colleagues, who experienced her maneuvers.  “She’s not mean, I just have pity for her, she’s a bit lost inside herself” he added.

I really think she’s struggling with a problem of self-esteem, and that she tries to gain confidence with every man she seduces. If you could see her, you would understand. Just by the way she dresses, you can say she wants to be comforted. She’s the only one in our office who’s always wearing mini-skirts throughout the year, even if she’s close to her 43th birthday. She puts too much make up, she feels threatened by the young journalists in our newsroom.

I read recently an article in a magazine about how not to fall into depression, and the first step was to love yourself. The psychologist interviewed in the magazine explained that if you love yourself, you don’t try to seek for a savior in every man that streams in your life. You don’t wait passively for the one who will resolve your problems because only you can resolve your problems,  love doesn’t solve anything. He called that the sleeping beauty syndrome.

It’s true. “Before I underwent a therapy, my love life was a real rollercoaster of feelings. I had a low self-esteem and really felt alive only when I was in a relationship. In the beginning, it was marvellous, but slowly I felt like a junkie. I projected in my partners everything I wanted them to be, and in the end, it always went like this: they become tired of me and the role I forced them to play, and left me. Before, I really believed that a relationship would bring me the happiness I didn’t have in my life, and the confidence I didn’t have. I was wrong”O., 36, said.

This is how you can pick the wrong guy, but also ruin your chances with the right one. “When I was younger, I used to pick systematically losers, junkies, rebels but I couldn’t explained why. They were the only ones that I attracted at that time, maybe they saw in me a poor little thing, they had pity, I don’t know. And it was always a catastrophe. I didn’t realise that throughout all this time, I had a friend who stood there just for me, and loved me.  Once, he had the courage to tell me how he felt about me, and I just repelled him because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I still regret it today” J., 31, said.

So, do you believe that before loving someone, you need to love yourself?

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

What are you waiting for?

Many of my friends are turning 30 this year, and some of them are realizing they’re entering a new phase in their life, and that something has to change. For the single ones, they decided they didn’t want to be like that anymore, and that they will try to be less picky when it comes to choose a long time partner. “I enjoyed a lot being single and not to care that much about my future except for my career. But now, I feel like I’m missing something in my life. I need to settle down” explained one of my friends.

Why 30 year-old is such an important milestone for some of us? Another friend of mine told me she cried when it was her 30th birthday. “Before, I didn’t care that much about my life and where it was going, but all of a sudden, I realized I wasn’t a kid anymore and that I should grow up” she said. She’s now trying to have a baby.

It’s true that at 30, we’re slowly approaching the end of our biological clock, and some women clearly hear it ticking in their head. “Before I turned 30, I didn’t look at men the same way that I look at them now. I must admit I look for a potential father in every man I meet now” T.,32, said.

But all of us don’t consider this age as a warning signal. It depends on how mature we are, but also what are our priorities. “At 30, all that really mattered for me was my job. It has only been two years since I have switched my priorities for a family and a more stable kind of life. Yet, I’m still searching for the right guy” M., 38, said. “I was too busy caring for the multiple associations I worked for to think about anything else at that time. I don’t regret anything, but now, I want something more, and I really want to be a mother, even if it becomes too late for me” E., 40,said.

So, are there special events (like turning 30) that trigger a new direction in your life?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Race for the prize

When you’re a beautiful woman, you can face a particular problem with men: playing the role of the trophy wife/girlfriend. Some women don’t mind at all being considered like that, while others just can’t stand it. One of my friends is a former model, and she had experienced it a lot when she was younger. “When I was a teenager, the boyfriends I had all wanted to present me to their friends so they can brag about that. It was extremely unpleasant, I had the impression I was just a piece of meat. Besides, I had the impression they dated me for what I represented, not for myself” she said.”If a man tells me that he wants me to meet his friends although it has been only three days we’re dating, I find that really suspect. Especially if his friends are all male ones” T., a 34 year-old beauty, said.

Sometimes, it’s really obvious he’s using you as a trophy, but sometimes, it isn’t that simple. “I met B. during a professional meeting. He was the speaker, I was a journalist attending the seminar, and after it, he invited me for dinner. He had a lot of attentions for me afterwards and simply couldn’t spend a day without calling me. I got completely seduced by him and started dating him shortly after. Everything was perfect, except that I found it a little bit odd he brought me to multiple seminars with him, so I could be near him. Once, as I was in the restroom, I heard two women talking in the room about that cute little journalist who was the latest toy of this guy, CEO of a big company. I didn’t immediately understand, but then, it stroke me: they were talking about me. It was horrible, I felt used. I immediately broke up with him” L., 31, said.

It’s a pill bitter to swallow when you realised you were used like that. But some women don’t mind being treated like that, they even find it flattering. It’s a question of point of view.

Besides, it’s flattering that your man can be proud of you because of who you are. And if he doesn’t want to present you to his friends, maybe he’s ashamed of you, and that leaves you with another kind of problem.

So, would you mind being considered as a trophy? And for the men reading this, do you brag about the women you’re dating?

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celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, rant, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

Let’s talk about sex…

(maybe not)

Once, I went to lunch with some of my colleagues I usually don’t speak a lot to (and now I know why) and they started joking about sex during the whole time. I must say I was a little embarrassed because it’s not a subject I would bring in a conversation with people other than my man or my close friends. And even with them, I don’t talk about it all the time. Generally, if people start to chat about that topic, I just don’t say anything and then, I’m put into the frigid category (but I collect all the informations to make a post on this blog).

One of my friends told me she faced a similar experience when she entered her new company several years ago. “When I arrived in my company three years ago, one of my female colleagues immediately got friendly with me, and when we stopped our work to eat lunch, between my salad and my coffee, she asked me what I liked to do in bed with my man. I wasn’t expecting this at all, and I just blushed and muttered something between my lips. She laughed and said I shouldn’t be so frigid. Now, I’m still avoiding her like the plague” she said.

When it’s with your colleague, it can be embarrassing. But now imagine this situation during a first date. “I met F. through a dating site, and we got along so well virtually that we decided to meet each other. When he arrived to the restaurant we were supposed to meet, the first words he had towards me was: since I met you, I can’t help masturbating myself when I think of you. I bet you must be a good shot. I looked at him, didn’t pronounce a word, and just left the room” U., 34, said.

Of course, your ability to be offended by these words depends on what you look for in a relationship. A woman or a man who just wants to get laid won’t have the same reaction. And it also depends on how you bring sex on the table. It can be subtle, or not. I still remember once, when D. was still working for our newspaper, how the conversation slip into this topic because we talked about this subject. He was wondering if women could do the same, and I replied to him that many of us use those. But it never got too personal, and we did laugh a lot about it.

In fact, it becomes embarrassing when it includes your personal experience.

So, do you talk about sex with people you’re not close with? And would you run away if someone brings that topic on a first date?

 

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life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

Give in to me

The recent episode involving Eliot Spitzer and a call girl who’s now shot to stardom, Ashley Alexandra Dupré, makes me think: how can a 22 year-old woman can have sex with an old guy who reminds me of this?

In this case, the answer is simple: money. But without it, would it still be possible?

A friend of mine told me a few months ago he had an affair with his old neighbour, who could be his grandma. He said that he just fell for her, and that he didn’t care at all about her looks. I can understand that, but still, I would find it difficult to sleep with a man who would be old enough to be my grandpa, even if I’m madly in love with him.

Besides, when you fall in love, there are a lot of criteria that come into the equation: desire, chemistry, communion of the minds, compassion, weakness, curiosity… If there is no desire, you can’t fall in love. “I dated during three weeks a guy I hooked up with in a club, but I felt no particular attraction for him, so we split. And no, I couldn’t fall in love with me, he just inspired me nothing” B., 29, said.  I guess my friend had found something appealing in her neighbour.

Unfortunately (or not), there’s a lot of irrational happening when you fall in love with someone, that’s why some people can’t explain why they fell in love.

But when it comes to purely sex, it’s different. Here, it’s generally based on the looks: you see a guy you fancy in a club, he fancies you back, and that’s where you end up in the restroom getting your groove on (well, if you can do this). However, there are exceptions. “I met this guy I didn’t find attractive at all in a bar, and he convinced me to have sex with him. I noticed how sensual he was, and I must say I felt curious about how it will turn out. He was short, nearly bald, not athletic at all and a bit hairy in the back, but I did enjoy sex with him” P., 34, said. On the other hands, some people focus on silly details just before the act that refrains their momentum. “When we switched to the bedroom, he got naked in front of me, and I could see his toenails yellow and disgusting. I pretended to have to go to the bathroom, and escaped from his apartment” O., 35, said.

I really believe  that in the end, what matters the most is our instinct about the other.

So, here’s the question of the day: would you have sex with someone you find too old, not good-looking, or too fat/too skinny? And what is a definite no-no for you?

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celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, thoughts, wacky, women

Charm attack

Facebook got me in touch again with a guy I haven’t seen since high school. I have known him since kindergarten, but back then, he was a fat little kid/ugly duckling and girls would simply stay away from him. He turned into a handsome teenager when we grew up, and decided to test his power of seduction on every single girl in our high school (at least, the pretty ones). He even tried with me, but as he was a friend of my ex-best friend, wisdom (or the perspective to get beaten by my ex)  advised  him to keep his distances with me. We knew pretty much the same people back then, and I knew all of his ex’s (in fact, the vast majority of them were friends or girls I knew from girl troop).

When we were in high school, he had a heavy turnover of girls in his life, but he started to slow his rhythm as we entered the  grown up life. We started College together, and he dated throughout the year one of my friends. When I left that College for another town one year later, he broke up with her and dated a fellow student of our university. Three years after, I met an old friend of mine who told me she was going to move in with him. And then, I learned thanks to facebook that they are over.

I recently saw the movie “In her shoes” (yeah, I don’t follow that much what’s playing in theaters right now) where  Maggie sleeps with her sister’s boyfriend who later explained to Rose that he was called the whale when he was a kid and still doesn’t believe that a woman can be attracted to him, so he yields to every woman who shows a little interest in him. This character reminds me a lot of my old classmate.

I don’t know why, but I can’t help thinking that he would never find happiness with one sole woman, but also that the woman who will keep him doesn’t exist in this world.

Do you think it’s possible to tame a man like that? And would you date someone like that knowing this?  For the men reading this, do you understand him?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

I don’t want to know

My mom always told me when I was little and sensitive to the others’ comments about me not to care about what they say. “The most important thing you should consider is what you think, not what others think about you” she said. As one of my friends is struggling right now to make her family accept the man of her life, I just remember about what my mom said. My friend has found happiness with a guy who’s not from the same religion as her and also much older than her (but not as old as her dad). I’m happy for her, yet I know that most of her entourage isn’t exactly thrilled by this. She’s on the verge  of  cutting all contacts with them because she’s tired of their opposition to this union, and I don’t know if that’s a good solution.

Of course, you shouldn’t care much about what people say about you, but when it’s your friends and family against it, is it worth ignoring  what they say just because you love someone who’s not suitable for them?  Remember that love can make us blind, and that we can easily fall for the wrong guy. Maybe our entourage can see the obvious we can’t see. Maybe they could be totally wrong about the guy.

When should you listen to your entourage and when should you not?  Well, first, it depends on which exclusion criteria your entourage based his decision on your lover. Sometimes, you’ll be surprised to know the real motivation behind their opposition. “My best friend hated my ex and always told me he wasn’t right for me because we were completely opposite. But I didn’t agree with her at all, and didn’t understand why she said that, because I got along really well with my ex. When we broke up because we reached the end of our story, my ex told me she did try to make a move with him. She was jealous of me”F., 35, said. “My mom didn’t like my ex who was twenty years older than me because of that. She told me she found our couple just ridiculous and that I should date guys of my age. But I don’t like guys of my age, I just think they’re immature in general and we get along like cats and dogs. My mom is divorced and I haven’t known her any man in her life since she split with my dad. My ex had once to travel with her to join me abroad, and he told me that during the trip, she was a true sweetheart with him and tried to seduce him”G., 36, said.

Sometimes, their opposition can be just ridiculous. “My family didn’t like my ex because he was a fan of a rival football club” D., 31, said. “My friends think my man sucks because he works for a controversial politician” T., 30, said.

But sometimes, their opposition can be trusted. It’s legitimate for your family to worry if you’re dating an ex-convict (for murdering/rape/violence, not for just stealing or little stupid crimes), a junkie, a married man or a fanatic (if you’re not a fanatic yourself).  They can also be right about your lover because he’s a total loser who’s cheating on you and you’re the last to know about it.

So, have you ever listened to your family/friend’s advices regarding your lover? And have you ever bypassed their advice?

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