celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Doing it for the kids

On the celibacy market, the chances to find someone who’s not divorced and have no children are thinning when you grow old, unfortunately. When you’re 30, 35, 40,… what you can find among the single people isn’t of first hand, but more of second hand.

If he/she’s divorced without kids, this isn’t much a problem for you, except if his/her ex is still very present in his/her life and a bit invading. But the troubles really begin if the object of your affection shares the custody of his/her kids with his/her ex.

Two of my colleagues are now married, but when they began dating, the male one had already divorced once and had two kids, twin daughters exactly, with his ex-wife. Luckily for his new wife, his little daughters accepted easily my colleague into their life. She told me that they were the most adorable kids on this planet and that his husband, his ex and her manage to deal with this equation without any problem, except maybe organization.

This is an ideal scenario, but what if your lover’s child is as nice with you as Pol Pot? “When I met J., he told me he had a 3 year-old daughter with his ex- wife and that he had custody of her during two weekends per month. He didn’t warn me that she was difficult and still traumatized by their divorce. The first time I met her, she basically told her dad that she wanted him to separate from me and to go back with her mom. Their marriage didn’t last because he had enough of his ex-wife character, and because she cheated on him.  So, each time the kid went to visit his dad, she tried her best to ruin our relationship. She would wake up in the night to come into our bed, she would provoke me all the time and then complain to her dad that I was mean all the time with her. I really hoped she would finally accept me, but instead, her dad realized it would never work out with the three of us, and ditched me” I., 34, said.

He had a four year-old son who always repeated to me I wasn’t his mom at the beginning. But he had a little problem with his parents’ divorce: he refused to eat anything and cried at night sometimes. I told my man his child needed to see a psychologist, and after a little therapy, his kid finally accepted me into his life”H., 35, said.

And what if you’re another one in the long list of conquests of your partner? “P. had a huge turnover of women in his life, and he was living with his son as his wife died in a car accident many years ago. His son didn’t rebel at all with this, but it was really heart-breaking to see how he would seek a mother in every woman that passed into his dad’s life” G., 34, said.

Dealing with your partner’s kid(s) can be tricky, especially if his/her divorce didn’t end that well. Besides, some parents, for a reason, manipulate their kids so they can ruin unconsciously the chances of the other parent to find love again.  This is a black scenario, it can happen, but it’s not always the case.

So, have you ever dealt with such a situation? And would you consider the other’s kid(s) as a turn off for a relationship?


5 thoughts on “Doing it for the kids

  1. If the child isn’t up for the parent dating, then the parent shouldn’t be so stupid as to force it. Too soon after a divorce/trauma will be the death of any future until the past is dealt with. It’s not the child’s fault that the world was uprooted.

    As for being a dating mother, I have found it easier with a man not having children to the man who has. Fathers make the worse sort of martyrs.

  2. dontdatethatdude says:

    I agree with Cricket on this subject. Especially fathers who want you to take care of their children during scheduled visitations. My X thought it was my job to entertain her on the weekends she visited while he played computer games. She obviously wanted to spend time with him and acted out in strange grown-up ways to get his attention. She craved attention from everyone and would go up to complete strangers and sit on their laps. When I told him she needed therapy he agreed, but his X would not and the behavior continued to get more strange. When I would say something he accused me of not liking her, which was so far from the truth, but it did put a HUGE strain on the relationship and made me lose respect for him.

  3. Cricket, no, it’s not the child’s fault in any case. And you’re right, most men find it easy to let their partner take charge of their kids.

    DDTD, poor child. What a great father she has.

  4. meme says:

    My bf has twin girls(12 years old) and the ex has cause so many problems that he now lost right because the kids and ex have created so many lies and so much turmoil. I have 2 kids (12 and 6 ) also and his kids claim he likes mine better then them, which is untrue. The kids state they never want to come here and have stated so many lies about him to the school, friends, cops. They have been divorced almost 2 years and they have been fighting since then. It has cost him over $10,000 for the divorce and now it will probably cost him that much to get his rights back. All we do is fight now because he states that I am not supporting him but it has been going on for 2 years and now my kids are getting affect too. Its not that I am not supportive but he blames his ex for brainwashing the kids but some of the actions that they have done I believe that they are old enough to know right from wrong and that they are hurting their father. I believe they are doing what they are doing to break us up. He says no that its all his ex. See they were use to being spoiled when they were together but now he pays a lot of money to her and can’t afford to always jumping when they say so. So they blame me and my kids for that. I can’t see us making it. I have tried for 2 years and now I am just tired. I want it to work but how do you make it work if the kids and ex are always out to get us and he is letting it happen.

  5. Hi meme,

    That’s a difficult situation, when the ex is trying her possible to put distance between the kids and their father. At least, let’s hope that when they grow older, they would understand they were manipulated by their mother.

    Thanks for stopping by.

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