broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Stand by me

One of my colleagues, who’s also a friend, is hitting a rough patch in his marriage right now. His wife suffered the trauma of a miscarriage one year ago, and felt the need to adjust some little things in her life. Unfortunately for my colleague, she has also put her marriage under questioning. He told me that since this drama happened in their life, she has been constantly criticizing what he was doing. “Nothing I do is good enough for her anymore” he complained to me. “She even said to me recently that she couldn’t stand my parents, although it’s been fourteen years we’ve been married now“, he added. “I don’t feel supported anymore”he said.

I just hope for him they can work out what’s remaining of their marriage.  Yet, I’m not that optimistic for my colleague right now. Even if we become more and more independent in our life, there are certain things we do appreciate to feel from our partner: their support, for instance. If your partner is constantly despising what you’re doing, instead of encouraging you, I don’t think the relationship will last. Life can be difficult, and it’s good to know you can count on your partner to help you forget your worries.  This has to be mutual, of course.

When I worked as banker, I received once a woman who just got divorced from her husband, and she told me a little bit about her divorce. She said that she couldn’t stand the sight of her spouse anymore, because he had turned into a selfish individual. “He wasn’t like that when we were younger, but he progressively changed and only thought about himself. I felt I was a burden for him, because he kept on telling so. He also criticized me constantly, saying I was a bad driver, and that I shouldn’t waste my time at writing stupidities. Now, you can’t imagine how I felt relieved to be rid of him. I wrote my book, it has sold well, I’m more in peace with myself. This has cost me my marriage, but I had no choice. It may sound selfish to you, but remember that my ex-husband didn’t leave me many options” she said.

When the pieces don’t fit anymore, is it worth fighting for a lost cause? I’m not sure. When I see how unhappy is my colleague right now, I would love to tell him that he shouldn’t hang so much on a broken relationship. Yet, I know that he doesn’t consider at all a divorce, because marriage is sacred to him. Or maybe he should tell (if he hasn’t done it yet) how he feels to his wife, and that he needs to feel supported by her.

So, do you need to feel supported in your relationship?


5 thoughts on “Stand by me

  1. I assure you that she is more miserable than he, although his grief should not be overlooked. Instead of blaming her for being angry, they should look at her physiology. Perhaps she is depressed or maybe her thyroid is messed up from the pregnancy. As far as the parents (or others) go, perhaps they were saying well-meaning, but cruel, things like the miscarriage was for the best or that they’ll have another child later, as if that would make up for one lost. I think the woman needs compassion and additional treatment, not judgment, if she feels that is the case. There are lots of infertility and miscarriage blogs out there. I could hook them up for support.

    In this and other circumstances, I believe strongly in therapy for couples going through rough patches. It is wise to go before it gets too bad. My ex-husband didn’t want to go, but did. He was not cooperative, but I could leave the marriage knowing I had truly done everything I could.

  2. dontdatethatdude says:

    I do need to feel supported in my relationship and I believe it is also my responsibility to support my partner, and communicate my grievances in a mature way. If your colleague is coming to you instead of his wife that is his first mistake. Marriage issues should stay inside the marriage, unless you are paying someone to give you advice. Just my 2 cents. 🙂

  3. Cricket, the comments thing is solved 🙂
    I don’t know what happened with his parents and his wife, I don’t want to judge that. I know that she’s been seeing a psychiatrist to help her out. Maybe they should see a therapist together. You’re right about that.

    DDTD, I know it’s not right to tell the others about your marriage problems. It should be and remain private. Yet, it just break my heart to see him like that. I asked him about his problems, because physically, he begins to scare me a little bit. Some people are much stronger than the others in coping with their personal problems. I’m afraid he’s not that strong.

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