I read last week a very interesting article in one of my favorite newspapers. It said that nowadays, one of the main deal breakers in a couple is guilt, more exactly our tendency to make our partner feel guilty. The psychologist interviewed in the article mentioned that there are three different kinds of guilt we put on our partner. One is the paternalist/ authoritarian kind, where if one of the partners doesn’t follow the rules, he/she will get punished for that. The second is the maternal one, where one of the partners makes the other feel guilty of his/her love. Here, love is considered as a debt. The third one is based on the idea of sharing/ fraternizing and the idea of submitting yourself to the couple.
The psychologist said that to break this dynamic in a couple, you need to reinject seduction in your couple. Humor is also here to help us out taking the drama out of any situation. I think he’s right. It’s so easy nowadays to grow apart from our significant other.
I asked around me in which model their couple would fit in, and most of my friends told me their couple is based on the sharing/fraternizing type. One of them told me she saw her parents’ couple working on the paternalist dynamic, and she hated that. Another one said that the maternal model prevailed in her parent’s couple, and that her mother was the champion for making everyone feel guilty. “She always reminded us that she worked hard to give us the life we enjoy, and that she loved us more than anything. It was difficult for me. I don’t want to reproduce that model in my couple” she said.
In the article, the psychologist said that the sharing/ fraternizing model isn’t a good one if the notion of sharing implies that both members of the couple share everything. This is where the guilt can surge, because we’re different, we never react the same way than our partner.
So, again, the theory of my friend, consisting in looking for a good lover with a great sense of humor, prevails. This may be the sound base of a healthy relationship, where guilt is quickly evacuated because of sex, or laughs.
Funny enough, I posted this link on facebook, and the only person who enjoyed it among my friends was the one who drives me mad at the moment.
In which of the three models your couple would fit in? And which one(s) would you avoid like the plague?