In the dating game, some of us find it really hard to keep a partner or even to catch one because we make it hard to let people getting closer to us. In Sex and the City, Miranda Hobbes personifies the best this example. I must admit I do recognize myself in her, because it’s not easy to get into my inner circle. But once people are in it, I feel very close to them. One of my friends also obeys to this logic, and she told me once that this is poisoning her love life. I understand her, because this also poisons my social life.
People who keep on pushing back the others do this because they’re afraid to be disappointed. Yet, this logic can be a real torture because this is how you can end up alone. Our past experiences weigh a lot in our fear of getting rejected (our reluctance to let the other getting closer is all about that, in fact). When you give your trust to someone, you expect him/her to give it back to you. It’s silly, it’s insecure, but most of us follow this principle. In theory, we should give love and expect nothing back. This is called altruism. But if you can do that, you’re a saint (or you’ve never been disappointed by people in your life).
When you were hurt in the past, you tend to be more cautious with your feelings. I had a really bad experience when I was in College, when two of my closest friends betrayed me when I needed them the most (I got dumped, another friend of mine died in a horrible car accident, and another one committed suicide), and since then, I’ve doubt about people’s genuine feelings about me all the time. I consider the ones who manage to pass through my difficult personality as real reliable friends, and so far, very few people have managed to do so.
By choosing this behavior, you can also have tremendous regret. I wish I wasn’t so distant with B., because now we don’t speak to each other, and this makes me really sad. On the other hand, I was never sure B. was genuinely kind with me. And I tell to myself that if there’s a wall between us, there must be a good explanation for that: B. can’t really be my friend.
So, are you easy to get close to? Or are you like me, difficult to approach?