celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Picking your equal

I had once a long discussion with my friends about the theory of the better half. Some of my friends say we never pick our equal because we need to love someone we can admire, someone who can reflect a good image of us. I’m not so sure. I guess it depends on how you love yourself first. If you don’t like yourself that much, you will pick someone who doesn’t deserve you. If you are overconfident, narcissistic, you will pick someone you think you deserve.

The people who don’t deserve you aren’t necessarily those who are inferior to you. They can be people who don’t treat you the right way. I met once a woman who told me the story of her sister. She fell in love with a high profile guy everyone loved. But he treated her like shit. He would tell her to shut up while she was talking and would make unpleasant remarks about her looks all of the time. A person who has a high self esteem or just enough would have left, but she felt insecure and thought he had reason.

Besides, what is inferior to you? One of my friends, who’s a former model, picked her husband who wasn’t that handsome nor that smart. She shocked everyone when she decided to date him, because we all thought she deserved better. But her man was funny, sweet, caring and he made her feel like she never felt before. And we slowly understood he was the one for her, although this wasn’t obvious at all. My friend is someone who has a high self-esteem, and she picked the man she thinks she deserves. She made a very wise choice.

Sometimes, we can choose someone we think we deserve, but who will disappoint us in many ways. This can happen because we can get fooled by some obvious aspects like the looks. For example, if you choose to date a trophy woman or man, either you are as shallow as your significant other, or you will face a certain boredom after a while. You can also fall for a rich person, because it’s your dream, but the reality can really bite.

We tend to confuse our needs with our desire. I personnally think that the example of my ex-model friend should be meditated.

Don’t you think so?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Shiver

Recently, one of my friends announced that she was seeing someone. She was single for a long time, and collected disastrous relationships with guys who didn’t want to commit. Some of them were married, others were just simply not emotionally available. Her new relationship isn’t like that. Her man is available for her whenever she wants. Yet, she admitted she wasn’t sure he was the one, because she couldn’t feel “the right way” with him. A little bit puzzled by this, I asked her what she meant with this sentence. She replied she felt she wasn’t in love. “I know when I’m in love, and here, I don’t react like that” she said.

She told me that when she’s in love, she could listen to her significant other for hours. She also told me that she has goose bumps when he’s near her. We all have various reactions when we’re in love, or more exactly, when we’re falling in love. I asked around me what were the reactions, and this is what I got.

I’m nervous. Usually, I talk a lot, but if he’s there, I just don’t know what to say or say stupid things” B., 35, said.

I’ve noticed that I tend to dress up for the man I fall in love with. I would pick the best clothes that compliment my shape. Usually, I don’t wear that many dresses, but when I fall in love, I switch to that outfit with the high heels, lipstick and perfume that go with it. I feel more like a woman”K., 34, said.

“I can’t stop staring at him and can’t help searching for a little proof that he has feelings for me too G., 30 said.

I can’t help blushing. It’s hard not to notice it, since I’m blonde” F., 36, said (it also works for brunettes 😉

“I become really irritating for my friends because I can’t stop talking about him, even in derogatory terms” O., 35, said

I don’t know. I might be good at hidding my feelings” I., 30,said.

A combination of factors. I become clumsy, intimidated, mute, but I want nothing else than being with him even if I’m in such a state” U., 32, said

My ego is boosted. I feel like I’m full of energy, and I want to do everything better. It’s silly, but when I met G., I started to work better and I got a promotion thanks to that” M., 34, said.

So, how do you react when you’re in love?

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Change

“The more complex the order of your life is, the more difficult, risky and dangerous the process of falling in love is” – Francesco Alberoni

Recently, one of my friends told me that she had to make a huge change in her life. She asked for my advice, because she felt her decision would alienate all her friends, and because she knows that I don’t judge her. I hate that. She met a year ago a man who “put a real mess” in her life as soon as he came in it. And she immediately fell in love. But she was married at that time, and so did he. “He was unconventional, brilliant, funny. He was everything I could have wished for in a man. We could talk for hours about nothing and everything. With him, I felt incredibly clever. That has never happened to me before. But he was married, and so was I she said. “I was torn between my love for him, and the comfort I had in my marriage and with my little son. I knew that I would cause a lot of pain to my husband and my son if I left them for another man. But I also knew that inside of me, I didn’t love my husband like I should, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the other. I did try to fight my feelings, telling me it would pass. But I was also spending more and more time with G. I was becoming addicted to him. We didn’t do anything sexual when we were together. I wouldn’t dare touching him, even if I was dying inside of me to do so” she added. “There was also a huge problem with him. He’s a unpopular CEO, who irritated everyone I know. Choosing him would have caused a scandal. All my friends, except you, didn’t see that well the fact we were spending so much time together. So, with the pressure, I decided to stay away from him. But I felt really miserable. And I heard he was devastated not to see me again“.

I simply asked her if she had considered why she was shying away from her husband and why she couldn’t be satisfied with him anymore. She told me she realized she married for the wrong reasons, and saw no common points with him anymore. “We don’t want the same things from life. Apart from our kids, I feel there’s no project we could do together” she said.  I replied that she should really think about what she was doing. And I didn’t see her for weeks after that.

Then, what should have happened between them happened. My friend didn’t want to do the classical mistress- lover scenario, and humiliate her husband by cheating on him. So she quit. It took him two months to do the same with his wife. As anticipated, some of her friends don’t talk to her. And she feels a little bit ashamed of her decision because she gets insulted for “stealing a married man“. But she’s happy. That’s what she told me.  I just replied that if she’s happy, I’m happy for her then. And that at least, she was true to herself. Not anyone can say that, these days.

So, is it important to stay true to ourselves?

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True faith

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. ” – Buddha

We have a gift for putting ourselves into situations that make us suffer. This can only happen because we don’t love ourselves enough. Some people will search the world for their savior, and when they think they have found it, not only they end up disappointed, but also they can suffer a lot from this relationship, because their supposed savior turn out to be a manipulative person, who found in you the ideal prey. One of my friends recently admitted she made a huge mistake by letting one of her acquaintances taking too much space in her personal life. She told me that last year, after the death of her mother, she felt a little bit disoriented, and instead of sharing her feelings with her friends and family, she turned to this man who was one of her bosses, and threw herself into work. “He arrived in our company just when my mother passed away. He was immediately bossy with me, telling me what to do. And as I was a little bit lost, I just followed his orders like a little sheep. He was bossy, but nice with me. He complimented me all the time for my work. But from time to time, he was also mean with me, for no reason. I slowly realised that nothing was ever good enough for him, and he pushed me to do things that some of my colleagues described as purely moral harassment. He would phone me late in the evening for work,  would ask me to call him at his house during the weekend, always for work, and would charge me with a lot of work. In the beginning, I thought he was in love with me, and doing all of this to push my career or whatever.  I felt incredibly boosted by that.  I slowly understood that he was just manipulating me to get what he wanted. I was doing all his job, and I got no reward for that, except his compliments. On the other hand, he got promoted thanks to that to another job, with more responsibilities, in another office. Thanks to me. I felt completely disgusted by that and I’m mad at myself for being so naive” she said. I told her that at least, she has acknowledged this, and that she should say no to it if this situation ever repeats. And I also added that the next time she feels bad, she should turn to people who really love her, instead of crooks. I know it’s not easy to talk about your feelings with your friends, but real friends are there whether you’re in a good or bad period.

She’s not naive, she just went through a difficult time in her life, and she lost a bit her self-confidence because of that. In this context, it’s easy for a manipulative personality to exploit her. The sects also work on the same mechanism. So, be careful when you feel down. And remember that only you can save yourself.

LOVE yourself!

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Stinkfist

When you’re single, you can have some periods where sex is out of the menu. That’s one of the inconveniences of being single. To break this forced abstinence, some people turn to their friends, exes, or total random strangers.Others just hang on to their sex toys, cucumbers,or whatever comes. Sex is one of the fundamental needs of the human being, so, to the exceptions of the asexuals, a period of no activity can be seen as difficult.  But as it is an intimate moment, some people will find it hard to get laid just to fill their need. That’s why some choose the options of the fuck buddy, or their ex. “In case of emergency, I know I can call J. He’s a friend of mine, and we share a little bit more than just a simple friendship. He’s a great lover, and sleeping with him is quite easy because we know each other so well. I could never pick a random strangers just to have sex, because I’m afraid I could meet a total wacko. I really prefer this option” said one of my acquaintances. “P. and I never got along when we were together, except for one thing: sex. We both know we can never get back together because we constantly fight. But we decided to remain fuck friends. And I must say that I like this situation now that I’m single and that my sex life doesn’t look that great. I know I can always count on him”I.,34, said.

This is only possible if you have a friend or an ex who accepts to play that role. If she/he ‘s involved in a relationship, there’s a chance he/she will turn down your request.

Some people will choose to turn to the dating sites or websites like craiglist to get laid.”I subscribed to this dating site and got in touch with several women. I only wanted to meet new friends, but each time I met one of them, she would make it more or less clear that she wanted to get laid. One told me that since she got divorced, she needed to have sex because she couldn’t find a new man. One asked me to pick her at her apartment, and opened the door completely naked. Another one tried to attract me to the bathroom on our first date just to have sex”O.,35, said. “It’s not difficult to find a sexual partner on dating sites. Some people make it very clear from the beginning. But you can meet a lot of married men looking for an affair there. It seems they have understand the advantage of internet to find a mistress. I try to avoid them”T., 32, said.

But this option implies that you have to be careful on who you’re going to have sex.This is why some people just turn to sextoys.

So, what option would you prefer if you were in a situation like this?

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Abracadabra

Among the various search requests I received for this blog, there’s one question that keeps on coming back: How do I make a married man fall in love with me? I don’t want to judge those who ask that kind of question, but as I recently read Francesco Alberoni about falling in love, I think I might have an answer to this.

We talk here about making someone fall in love with you, not just deviate him from his marital path for lust. In this case, well, your looks should do the trick. For the first option, Alberoni writes that it’s possible to make someone fall in love with you by showing him constant attention, cheering, promises that you would stay with him on the long run even through adversity. This means that you have to fall in love first with your significant other and take the risk of telling him about your feelings. This also means that you could have to wait a lot until you reach your goal. Besides, it’s not guaranteed.

One of my friends realized after years of friendship that her best friend was actually in love with her. He never declared it to her, though, until one night, they were playing strip poker with some other friends. He reacted as a jealous boyfriend with her as she was losing and taking her clothes off one by one. “He eventually left the room, infuriated. I had to dress up, and join him outside. There, I asked him what the hell was going on, and as a reply, he kissed me. I just realized there that all of these years where he stood up for me and was always there for me, he was doing that because he loves me” she recalls.

Her best friend had luck with her. But it’s not always the case. It depends on who you fall in love with. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to commit in a relationship. Because we had bad experiences in the past, we can lock our heart to the others. In this case, the one who wants to get your love back can find it quite challenging. This is how you can fool the one who’s in love with you. “I fell in love with B. a long time ago. I loved him because he was funny, smart, unique. We had several dates together, the chemistry between us was amazing, but he wasn’t emotionnally available. I did help him all the time and offer him support when he had to undergo a heart surgery, but he eventually married another woman, the one he was seeing while we were together”P., 34, said.

A married man can be emotionally unavailable to you.

So, have you ever managed to make someone love you?

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Bury the hatchet

I  once read an interview of Carla Bruni, where she said that she remained friends with her exes, because by ignoring all of them this is how you can end up alone. I do believe it’s possible to remain friend with SOME of your exes, but not all of them. Some relationships end really badly. Sometimes, for the mental health of both partners, it’s even best that you remain distant with each other. But this may be an exception.  Besides, sometimes, people don’t want to stay friends with their exes because it’s a part of the process to forget about them. This is possible if you live in a big city, where you can be sure you wouldn’t fall accidentally on your ex-lover. But unless you move to another country, generally, encounters with your ex can happen. Even quite frequently. And if you had kids with him/her and share the custody, you will have to see him/her on a regular basis.

In this case, what should you do? Some people can’t manage to become friends afterward, and continue to fight with each other. This can lead to some juridical battle for the custody of the kids, where one of the partners accuse the other of the worst crimes, like pedophilia, just to get full custody of the children. I read a long time ago an article about those fathers who are obliged to remain in the public eye with their son/daughter so they can prove they didn’t do anything wrong with them when they took custody of them just for three hours, as granted by the court. One of my friends, who recently got divorced, told me she was appalled to see  so many ex-couples arguing in front of everyone when she and her ex arrived at the court to get officially separated.

Some people can also choose the option to consider their ex as dead or something like that. “If  he’s invited to the same party, I will pretend he’s not there and act as so. It’s been like that for one year. And he seems really fine with this. I can’t forgive what he did to me, and he shows no remorse for what he did, so why would I be nice with him?” K.,29, said. “He dated me only for my money. How can I treat someone who didn’t respect me as a person?”P., 34, said.

But if you really loved your ex, is it worth writing him/her off for good because he/she did something wrong or things turned sour in the end between you? Remember that hate is not far from love, and showing only hate to your ex only proves that you still haven’t moved on him/her. Besides, forgiveness can help you to move on.

So, what’s unforgivable according to you?

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