broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Throw down among a million same


How important is it to feel special in a relationship, or even at the flirting period before the relationship? Recently, I had a discussion with some of my friends about this topic. One of my friends explained she met a guy in a bar, and immediately flashed on him. The problem was he wasn’t particularly keen to notice her, and ignored her superbly before leaving the room with one of the waitress. My friend tried to catch his attention, by sitting close to him, laughing out loud and shaking her hair, but he didn’t react at all. Worse, he tried to flirt with several women who came next to him. My friend said she felt completely invisible, and that she felt a little bit hurt in her ego by this. Especially that, after some thoughts, she realized the guy wasn’t that handsome. But she admitted she was feeling a little low at that time, and that testing her power of seduction is one way for her to win back some self-confidence.

When this rejection happens in the mating period, your ego can easily survive to this. Unless you get rejected all of the time. But I really believe you can always find a public to flirt with, it’s just a question of evaluating your league.  When it happens during the beginning of a relationship, I think it can be more hurtful. One of my acquaintances dated a man for several days until she discovered with horror that she wasn’t the only woman he was seeing. ” I felt like I was one among the others, I felt really hurt” she said.

But why does it matter so much, to feel so special, unique? Some people told me they don’t care about being one among the others. “If  I really like the guy, and just want to have some fun with him, I don’t care if he’s seeing another woman” P., 34, said. It may depend on your expectation in  a relationship. If you’re only there to have sex or some good time, you probably won’t really care if there are other people involved in your relationship. But if you’re in love, this little detail may have its importance. “I met I. at a party, and we started dating. He was so funny and so handsome, I was really falling for him. But he was seeing other women as well. I discovered this after two weeks, when he introduced me to one of his friends. His mate asked him  if I was Laura, the woman soooo special and marvelous I. was seeing right now. My name is Helen. I felt pissed, because I realized not only he was seeing other women, but also I wasn’t soooo special and marvelous, compared to Laura” Helen said.

K. told me her story where this special aspect has its importance.”I knew he was married and a womanizer, but I yielded to his advances because he treated me differently. We had our own codes, our rules, I wouldn’t have wanted in another way. I felt I was his number one mistress, it was great” she said.

But I wonder, is it the illusion of feeling special we’re after, or really the feeling itself?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Foolish

Recenlty, I talked with my coworkers about those men who have an affair outside their marriage, but never leave their wife. One of my coworkers has a theory on this topic. She said that men like that don’t leave because of the social status their wife bring in the couple. For instance, if he married  a very wealthy and powerful woman, chances are he will never leave her for his secretary or any woman who comes by, because they don’t stand the comparison at all with their official. In other words, he can’t leave his wife because of his fear of losing his status/ his comfortable life.

Among my professional contacts, there’s one man who’s considered as a player. He’s married to one of our politicians’ sister, and has earned thanks to her multiple connections in the political and financial world. Divorcing her would cost him a lot. All his political friends could vanish away, and he needs them a lot for his job. So, his networking would suffer a lot from a divorce. Knowing that, a sensible woman should never hope anything from him. Yet, we all know he had screwed a lot of his students and collaborators, plus female journalists, behind Madam’s back. And he won’t end the list here.

But this isn’t the only explanation why married men seldom leave for another woman. When there are kids in the equation, this adds a little guilt. But I believe guilt is the common factor behind all cheating men who are too coward to leave their wife when they’re unfaithful.

When you’re single, and fall for this kind of guys, you should be aware of what  you’re getting into. No, he will never leaves his wife. This is one of the fundamental rules of “he’s not that into you”. Besides, when he has a certain social status, ask yourself how he got there. If it’s because of his wife, you will know you will never get him to divorce. So, unless you only want a sexual intercourse with him, it’s best not to lose your time with such a player. Even if he insists.

This is the only rule I respect 😉

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Great expectations

It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain…

Sometimes, you can have all the signs he/she’s into you, but then you can’t really make it through the light. Recently, one of my friends got hugely disappointed by a promising relationship. She met an absolutely charming man in a party. They really got along, and they exchanged their numbers at the end of the evening. He called her in the morning, at work, and invited her to the restaurant. There, they couldn’t stop laughing during the dinner, but nothing happened afterward. She just received an SMS thanking her for the dinner. And the next day, he invited her as a friend on FB.  He sent her a message saying he would love to have another dinner with her. She accepted. They started dating just after the second dinner, she was over the moon. She said he told her he never met a woman like her, so brilliant and beautiful. She had the impression to be his princess. But three weeks later, he became suddenly distant with her, and a bit critical. “I didn’t understand why he did that. It’s like he put me on a pedestal, only to bring me down quickly afterward. From day one, he couldn’t stop complimenting me. It was so flattering. Then, all of a sudden, he started to criticize me. It was like nothing I do was good enough for him she said. She broke up with him shortly after.

She had probably landed a narcissistic guy or a player who only wanted her for her novelty (or for sex…). This is the modus operandi of a narcissistic. He/she will be quickly disappointed with you, even if in the beginning, he/she would place you on a pedestal. If you don’t want to fall into the trap of such a relationship, your best allies would always be time. With this kind of individuals, it’s best to be hard to get and let time do his job. If he/she gets quickly discouraged by you, well, at least you would have saved yourself from that toxic relationship.

Personally, I don’t believe in relationships that start on their wheels. I hate to be put on a pedestal, because I know how easy it is to get down from it. If it sounds too good to be true, then it’s not true.

So, do you think you’re hard to get?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

All the rules? Break the rules!

With my friends, we have talked a lot about this bestseller. But I have to admit that I don’t fully agree with the authors. I do agree that it’s important for a woman to be independent and not pay too much attention to men in general, but apart from that, I don’t think you have to be educated necessarily to find your Mr. Right. Besides, if you’re into sensible guys, using this technique to get yours will only push him away, far away from you. I guess the authors have taken their personal experiences into account to write that book, and their ideas of their Mr. Right must have been clear in their mind. The rules they preach for may attract a certain kind of Mr. Right, but it won’t necessarily be your Mr. Right.

One of my friends recently had a strange experience with a man she’s in love with. She has tried to apply the rules: never call him, becoming a creature, deceptive.. And she ended up with him, mad at her for manipulating her. He told her he was madly in love with her, but he couldn’t stand her manipulative ways. My friend is now devastated. She didn’t want it that way.

If the man of your dreams should be strong, dominant, clever, rich, full of testosterone… using the rules can help you winning the game. But beware, it can also bring you a douche who only wants what you represent, a woman hard to get. Hence, a trophy. Many of my friends hate this idea of becoming a trophy wife, and so do I.

When you define the man of your dreams as your best friend and your lover, like I do, playing games with him by playing by the rules will never do the trick. If you need to get along with someone before  deciding whether or not you  should go further with him. If you also look for a great chemistry before pushing things forward. Of course,  you can  follow some of the rules, like never call him first, never sleep on the first night (ahum), let him pay the bill,… but not all of them. It depends on what you want in a man.

I believe you should set your own rules depending on the man you want. I also believe you should respect yourself not to get fooled. But I don’t agree with the fact of playing with his feelings. Where’ s the love in all of this? 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

So lonely

Sometimes, after the first months of a relationship, some couples find it hard to get on a more regular regime. When the passion disappears, and a little routine slowly invades the couple, one of the partners can feel a little bit left out, or lonely. How can this happen? If we put too much hope in a relationship from the beginning, there’s a good chance that the landing will be difficult once the passion vanishes. In the first months of a relationship, generally, we can’t do anything without each other, we can’t breathe, feel, talk,… without the other, but this state is no permanent. When this feeling goes down, we enter a phase when we get to know each other better, but this also means that we start to accept the other as someone else, someone who’s not us. If our significant other starts back having his normal life, where he goes out with his mates, goes to the gym, does his things without you, this is how you can feel all of a sudden lonely. Especially if you’re not independent.

In this transition period, it’s difficult not to compare ourselves with other happy couples. And this can cause us to feel even lonelier. If your companion shows some distance with you at that moment, you will ask yourself if you have made a good choice. Here, some people choose to leave the relationship. Some don’t. For those who don’t, it’s important to try to communicate about our feelings, and see if our partner is really willing to stay with you. And it’s also important that you have some activities on your own.

Recently, I had a chat with one of my coworkers, who’s trapped in a bad relationship with a guy. She’s clearly disappointed, but she can’t leave him. He doesn’t treat her right. I just asked her if she was satisfied, and what could she do to change the situation. She said she didn’t know. But since our conversation, she has started to take poetry class and to go to the gym more often. I just hope her focus on herself will help her to clean her mind. I haven’t had the time yet to ask her how she feels, but I’ve noticed she’s more happy now.

A little bit of independence will never do us any harm…

So, do you find it difficult to be lonely?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Copycat

Once, I went to a wedding ceremony where I had to seat next to two couples, who looked strikingly similar.  One couple was blonde, tall, with big smile, while the other was brown, small, with a mischievous smile. When I looked at them thoroughly, I would have sworn they were brothers and sisters, except they weren’t.  In psychology, this phenomenon is called the self reflecting like. Our narcissism pushes us to pick a partner who shows the same physical characteristics than we. If not, we tend to pick a partner who shares our opinions, thoughts, visions on life, interests,… in other words, someone who is close to us. But we would always go for someone who shares some common points with us. The same goes with our friends. We choose our friends because we have something in common with them. For example, I tend to go spontaneously for intelligent and cultivated people.  I also attract this kind of people. Shallow people make me run away, and they think I’m just a brainiac.

But when I asked people around me what they look for in a partner, most of them tell me they don’t search for someone who looks like them. They just prefer people who share some common interests.

“Geez, I couldn’t date someone who looks like me. It would be like dating my brother. But I do admit I look for some common interests in a man” P., 34, said.

“Oh, I can’t tell if I look for a doppelganger. I do like tall and dark men, and I’m tall and brunette. I also do search for someone who’s smart and funny, someone who would understand my particular sense of humor” O., 35, said.

“No, not at all. I like to widen my interests. I look for a strong, tall, rich and funny man. I’m the opposite. I also search for someone who would mesmerize me. He can come from a totally different background from me. In fact, this would melt my heart. I couldn’t date someone who’s just like me” R., 30, said.

So,  do you look for someone who’s similar to you?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Lost in translation

This morning, I had a strange argument with one of my acquaintances where basically, none of us understood each other. I said one thing, he didn’t understand. He replied another thing. I didn’t understand. He had to ask everytime what the hell I wanted to mean, and I asked him the same all of the time. We ended the conversation thinking: gosh, on which planet is he/she living?

Luckily for me, this man isn’t my significant other. If he was, I would be in serious troubles. I don’t believe it’s possible to have a sustainable relationship with someone who doesn’t have a clue about what you say.  I also believe that this miscommunication is a solid ground for fights. But how can we get into such a situation where we don’t understand each other at all? I asked around me, and this is what I got:

“Oh, I believe it depends on both personalities. It also depends on your experiences, your personal path. If you date someone who’s your complete opposite, there’s a good chance you won’t understand each other. My ex was completely different, and I got mad at him all the time because I didn’t understand why he did this and that. We got tired of each other because we fought all the time”  I., 31, said.

“In the beginning of a relationship, I think it’s normal. We do have to make some adjustments to get to know each other better. But once the first weeks of passion disappear, if the differences and misunderstandings remain very important, I don’t think this is working” E., 29, said.

It just means that you don’t live in the same world, and that there’s no chance you can ever live in harmony. If I meet someone who doesn’t understand me  from the start, I won’t have the patience to let him decipher me or me decipher him. If it doesn’t work from the beginning, it will never work” U., 35, said.

It’s impossible to get it right all the time with the person you love. He’s not me. I’m not him. But we need to communicate and explain our feelings if there’s a misunderstanding. But I really think that you have to get along well with someone to hope for a sustainable relationship. If you don’t, there’s no chance it will last” Y., 36, said.

I really believe that with someone who’s compatible with you, this kind of misunderstanding is not a problem.

So, would you date someone who doesn’t understand you at all?

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