Love is not about needing someone. If you need your significant other, it just means you’re in a case of codependency. Love is about understanding, bonding, caring and supporting each other. But how can we end up in a situation of codependency, if we thought we were in love at first?
Recently, one of my friends ended her relationship with her ex, for good this time. She had tried several times to breakup with him, but he made it impossible for her to leave. He threatened her to kill himself because he couldn’t imagine living without her. She felt guilty all the time. My friend admitted she didn’t treat him the right way because she “couldn’t feel anything right for him”, and she wondered why the hell he kept on hanging on such a non promising relationship. Well, the reason behind this is codependency.
Codependent people are generally those trapped in a relationship with an addict. But we can broaden the definition to people who lock themselves in a destructive relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable. An example?
My friend for instance doesn’t love herself that much and has a tendency to sabotage herself. She admitted several times that loving her was a challenge, because she eventually gets bored all of the time. “I attract the savior kind of guys, who think they will give me the confidence I need. I have to admit that at first, it boost my confidence, but then it goes away. And I feel like a monster because I can’t feel anything for the guy” she said.
On the codependent side, the person will let the other’s needs pass before his/hers, and will slowly completely erase his/her personality just to please the other. One of my friends told me the story of her mom, who sacrified her life to care for her sick father.
How do we get out of such a situation? Firstly, we need to remember that no one can save us, and that we can’t save our significant other. Only us can do that. Secondly, we should never forget who we are just because we’re in love. This implies that we should say we don’t agree with the other, that we’re hurt, in other words, it’s important to communicate. But I know how difficult it is.
So, do you have the tendency to lose yourself completely in a relationship?