celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

Hot for teacher

Recently, Katy Perry said this:

“I’ll probably end up with someone who’s a bit older and a few steps ahead of me – I want someone I can learn from”

I also read in a stupid male magazine that men should offer challenge to women, because they like it and they want someone they can learn from. Do they? I’m not sure. As I am in a constant battle with one of my professional contacts who basically thinks he knows it all and feels obliged to give me some lessons about this and that, although his lessons aren’t accurate. An example? Recently, I called him to have some informations about the latest developments in his company, and he had to tell me: “you know, J., that in the US, they have a rule against short selling, and blabla,…” and then hung up. It was just too bad that the Securities and Exchange Commission removed the so-called uptick rule in 2007… I just thought to myself: geez, what a douche.

So, maybe a man I can learn from, but certainly not a mister-know-it-all.  I ask around me if they want someone they can learn from, and this is what I got:

Oh, it depends. I would accept a man I can learn from, if he can learn from me too. I think this got to be mutual” U., 32, said (and I agree 100% with her!)

“Why not? I don’t know everything in life. I find it great to have a support from a man, to know that he might have the answers to some of my problems” L., 34, said.

I always look for advices, so, a man I can learn from can be a great match for me”X., 31, said.

It’s not because he’s older than you that you can necessarily learn from him. Don’t forget that some men can be immature. You thought you landed a full-grown man, and the next thing you know is he’s just a cry baby who can’t take it like a man. “B. was 10 years older than me, and was the CEO of a well known company. Yet, whenever he had to defend his opinion in a debate, he would stutter and tried his possible to avoid the confrontation. He also can’t take any criticism, without coming next to me and complains about it like a crybaby. I found it really boring. I had the impression to take the lead in the relationship all of the time, and I didn’t feel comfortable at all with that”K., 34,said.

So, do you want a man you can learn from?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Ask for answers…

… There are no second chances

When we fall in love, whether we’re conscious of it or not, we put our lover/ object of affection to the test. This is important for the fate of the relationship. If our lover failed these tests, we might take the conclusion that he/she’s not good for us and call it quits. But with our emotional past, we tend to be more cautious when we fall in love, and we multiply the tests for our lover. One of the most common ones is our expectations about how he/she will react. One of my friends told me she wished her ex was more kind with her, and that he never acted with her the way she expected. This represented for her a source of fights, and lead her to a break up.

Of course, choosing a partner who has many common points with us can ease our task. But if he/she doesn’t reciprocate our love, this is just useless. Some people might also fail the tests, yet, for a reason, we hang on this relationship, a one-sided relationship.  

The tests can be really hard to succeed, if it brings to a dilemma. For example, if we fall in love with someone who lives abroad, we will ask her/ him to make a move near us. She/he can also ask us to move to her/his country. This is a big sacrifice. We might also ask our lover to leave his/her partner if he/she’s already involved in a relationship or married.

A really obvious test is fidelity. When we fall in love, we expect our partner to be faithful. If  he/she can’t be faithful, most of us will see in this the point of no return in a relationship.

Then, there are the more subtle tests. And here, it really depends on our personal values. For some people, the family gauntlet is one experience to pass, otherwise, it will never do. But for some other, especially if you don’ t talk to your family anymore, this detail isn’t so important. Likewise, we would expect our lover to pass the ‘friends” test. But if we don’t have any friend, this isn’t important.  We would also test our lover to see if he/she shares the same values than us. But here, it depends on our tolerance. For instance, if you’re vegetarian, you can ask your partner to be vegetarian, but yet, some veggies don’t care dating a meat eater.

But testing your lover is important. This is how you can avoid getting really hurt in a relationship, even if love hurts, when you’re really in love.

So, do you test your partner?

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, rant, relationships, thoughts, women

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

… Just a little bit :mrgreen:

Recently, I had a huge fight with – again- one of my professional contacts, who happens to get on my nerves all of the time. Since I know him, we’ve always had arguments. But this time, it was a little bit different. He called me because he was mad at me for writing an article not so kind about his company, and threatened me to blacklist me if I kept on writing such sensationalist articles like that. I replied that my article was biased because no one in his company dared to answer my questions. Then I told him that I didn’t know who to call, because it was such a technical problem, and I was sure he wasn’t able to answer the questions. He paused, then admitted I was right, and hung up. One hour later, he called me back, and asked me if everything was OK between us. He added that he didn’t want to lose our kindly relationship. It left me speechless.

Three days later, I met one of my coworkers who knows him very well. He said that I was just a bitch, and that no one has ever dared to talk to him like that. So, yes, I’m a bitch. But I’m proud of it. I don’t like to be humiliated. And with him, honestly, I’m really tired of fighting all the time. I don’t like to fight. It’s not good for my karma.

This makes me think: do we have to go toe to toe with our lover?

One of my friends says yes. “H. loves me because he says I’m the only woman who manages to go toe to toe with him. Before me, no one has ever had the guts to do so, because he’s such a pain in the ass, as he says”. My friend is just responding to him whenever he pulls a temper tantrum or attacks her because he’s angry. And she says that by just doing this, very calm, she manages to bring down the tension very rapidly between them. I guess they’re a bit the yin and the yang to each other.

I think it’s important not to lose yourself in a relationship and stands for what you believe. It’s not because you’re honest and frank that your lover would run away. If he/she does, then, he/she’s simply not for you. But there’s a thin line between standing against him in an argument or just go toe to toe with his charachter, and castrate him. Words can do deep damages in a relationship. A little bit of diplomacy is sometimes more helpful to bring down the tensions than harsh words like “you’re such a loser” or “I’d rather sleep with the first man I see in the street than you. You disgust me”. These words can ruin forever your relationship. Bear that in mind.

So, how do you make yourself respected in a relationship?

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

He’s not into you

 

Recently, one of my friends had the unpleasant suprise to discover that the man she was pursuing was gay. She told me it wasn’t obvious at all, but yet, she felt like a fool.” I don’t understand. I have many male friends who are gay, and when I met them for the first time, it was quite obvious they were. But here, I only discover it because I went to a bar and I saw him holding and kissing another guy”  she said. Honestly, I don’t have a gay radar, so I couldn’t offer her any advice on this. But some of my other friends have their ideas on how to spot if he’s gay.

It’s in the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he dresses” one said.

Oh, I would say that if he only seeks male companions, dislikes women, it’s a good sign he’s gay. Plus, if he talks in derogatory  terms about homosexuals, there’s a good chance that he’s gay but he doesn’t know it yet”.

“If on a date, he keeps his attention focused not on you, but on every man that comes near, it’s a good indicator”

“If he acts like a woman, understands you more than you, spends more time in the bathroom than you, he might be gay”

“If he spends his time with his girlfriends”

“If he doesn’t touch you”

“If he’s into gay porn, spent his time chatting on gay forums, responds to gay adds, is into anal sex all of the time”

“If everyone suspects he’s gay”

Sometimes, it’s pretty obvious that he’s not into women. But sometimes, it’s not that obvious. Last year, I had some doubts about D., and it turned out I was right. I discover it thanks to Facebook. NB: if you don’t want to come out of the closet, avoid joining some special groups on FB, like for example Abercrombie and Fitch men (yep), or Mister Gay 2009. But in D.’s case, I must admit that it wasn’t obvious. When I met the guy, he tried to flirt with me. I guess it wasn’t clear in his head at that moment.  This is how some women can end up married with an homosexual. But it can also happen that you already knew he was gay when you meet him, and still accept to marry him. When we fall in love, we don’t care about our lover’s past. We also don’t care if the relationship will last or not. We just yield to our emotions. This doesn’t mean that our love will last forever. When passion fades, this is when the reality drives back into your life, and the landing can be hard. 

So, have you ever felt for a gay?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Say it isn’t so

Is there a good moment to say I love you? In theory, we shouldn’t say those three words too early in a relationship, but not too late either. However, some couples don’t necessarily follow the rules. There are couples who say the three words just a few days after they first met, and are still together. There are also couples who said those words and go belly up just after that. I guess it really depends on a lot of factors. But it’s not because you say I love you to your significant other that he/she will love you back. It’s a bit more complicated than that.

Some people are really spontaneous and can tell right away to the person they meet  that they love them. “I met B. in a bar, and after the evening when we spent our time laughing with each other, we got home to his place. He took every opportunity to touch me during the evening, and I felt so warm and overwhelmed by this feeling that after we had sex, I accidentally told  him the three words. He looked at me very sorry, and I understood it was just a one-night stand. We decided not to see each other again”K., 34. “I knew J. from my cooking lessons. We used to spend  a lot of time together during the lessons, and we started to chat on internet with each other whenever we could. There was nothing between us, except a great friendly bond. Once, I don’t know why, but I ended the chat by saying I love you. He didn’t reply immediately, but after two hours, he got in touch with me, and said he loved me back. We started to date shortly after” M., 35, said. I guess it really depends on the circumstances here.

Then, there are people who are more cautious and wait a while before saying I love you. “For me, these words are sacred. I cannot say it to anybody. I have to be in love. Usually, it takes me weeks to say it” P., 34, said. But it’s not because you wait that you will be guaranteed to be loved back. “I met H. at a party, and I got immediately attracted by him. He was tall, with green eyes and a devastating smile. The day after the party, we started dating, and it quickly turned into a real passion. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We made love as much as we can. But then, after three months, I realized I didn’t tell him how I felt for him. The truth is we didn’t talk that much during this time, and when I told him I loved him, he was shocked. He told me that he couldn’t love me the way I wanted, and ended the relationship” I, 32, said.

People can wait for weeks, months, years before revealing their feelings. It can be the case if you’re secretly in love with one of your friends, or someone who’s already taken.” I waited for years before telling O. about my feelings for him. He was married, and I didn’t want to ruin his marriage. But luckily for me, his marriage didn’t last long. After he got divorced, he came back to me and we started dating. I had waited for that moment since high school. After three weeks spent together, I told him I loved him. And he replied he never stopped loving me since we were teenagers” M., 34, said.

But when do we know it’s the moment to say I love you? When we fall in love, we put our lover to the test.We expect him/her to do this, and that. And if we get disappointed too often, this is when we decide to call it quits. If he/she succeeded, then, we know it’s the moment. It’s as simple as that. But we have to test our lover. I will come back to this topic in another post.

So, when do you know it’s the right time to say I love you?

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Friends to lovers


Once, we were discussing with my friends about the friendship we can have with the opposite sex. One of my friends says she considers her best friend as a brother, and that nothing could ever happen between them because of that. But the problem is the first time she met him, it was at a bar, and he tried to score with her. Nothing happened that night as she recalls, although they ended up making  out in her apartment, but stopped almost immediately because they realized something wasn’t right. They decided to remain friends after this, and they have stuck to their vows ever since. As she’s still single, some of my friends asked her why she wouldn’t reconsider starting something with him, but she replied that it was impossible. “It would be like dating my brother, I can’t do that” she said. However, another friend of mine thought that their bond can  evolve into a real relationship. “After all, if he was attracted to you at the beginning, but never had what he wanted from you, he could really make a come back. Feelings that weren’t satisfied in the past can always resurface sometime” she said. My other friend wasn’t convinced at all. I’m not so sure.

I really think it depends on hidden feelings. Another friend of mine told me she had once an “accident” with her best friend, but when they got undressed, they burst into laugh and decided not to pursue anything sexual. “C. and I are inseparable from each other. We know each other from kindergarden, and we never tried anything together until last year. He’s the shoulder I can cry on when my relationships fail, and I also console him. Last year, after another breakup that left me devastated, I wondered if it could work with C. We used to have a drink every friday evening after going out to the theater, and I took this opportunity to take  a hit on him. I drank to give me courage to do so, and after the drink, we got back to his apartment, where I held him against the wall and kissed him. He seemed surprised, but replied to my kiss, and we ended up taking our clothes off on the couch, when suddenly, we looked at each other, and realized we couldn’t do that. It was too weird. I realized I love him as a friend, a brother, and nothing more. And I’m fine with it. I just needed to have a confirmation on that”  she said.

In her case, it was clear there were no hidden feelings. But not every friendship is based on this sincere principle. Besides, some women need to be friend with their man before considering taking their bond to the next level. It’s my case.

When there are hidden feelings involved in a friendship, this friendship is a) not so strong b) not sincere c) about to evolve into something else. Like my friend says, there will be a time when hidden feelings resurface. The outcome of this can be happy, but it can also be disappointing. I lost my best friend like that. He told me what he felt for me, but I was just recovering from a breakup at that time. I pushed him away. He didn’t appreciate at all, and we took our distance from each other.

So, do you love secretly one of your friends?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Protection

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I was interviewing one of my contacts, one thing came into my mind: how great would I be in his arms. This is just pure fantasy, I feel nothing for him. But he’s tall and strong, plus a little bit übersexual, and his severe ways makes him a good candidate for discouraging any man who could think I’m available to him. With my friends, we talk a lot about this topic, and we all agree on the kind of protection a guy who’s bigger than us could bring to us. One of my friends says that it’s a question of sex.”Only a guy who’s twice my size can hold me against the wall and f*** me” she says. Another friend of mine thinks it’s more a question of safety. “I know that with a guy like that, nobody would ever disrespect me because he would be too frightening. And I feel he would have the ability to defend me in any dangerous situation” she says.

But do we all look for a strong man? It depends on how strong. I must admit it’s great to feel so small, so frail, so tiny in the arms of a big guy. But apart from that, I’m not sure I would be attracted. Besides, there’s strong and strong. If he’s a big guy who just runs away at the sight of a bee, or is just a cry baby and is very immature, it won’t necessarily do with some women. “I had an ex who was 6 feet high and very muscular. Once, we went hiking in the mountains, and we fell on a bear which was about to charge us. And instead of protecting me, he just shout and ran away, leaving me face to face with the animal. Luckily for me, a forester was just walking by and chased the bear. I decided to dump that sissy guy just after”O., 35, said. “My ex was a big guy, but that didn’t discourage men in general to take a hit on me even if I was with him. He simply didn’t care about me, and was too preoccupied about his little person than playing his role of protector” H., 30 ,said.

A man can be strong physically but not mentally. And the reverse is also true. “My husband isn’t that tall nor that strong, but he has a natural authority and can bring down any pretender or rude man”L., 32, said.

I guess it’s just a question of character. Besides, not every woman wants a man who can defend themselves.

So, do you like to feel protected?

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