celibacy, life, love, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Building a mystery

Once, I had a discussion with some of my friends about how friendly we can be with our significant other. Most of my friends prefer when their man is also their best friend, but not all of them. Some of my friends think it’s important to keep a part of mystery in their relationship. For that reason, they consider impossible to blur the line between a best friend and the man of their dream.  They added they don’t want to confide to their man. Their opinion is a bit harsh for me, but they have a point here. I’ve seen many couples ending because they felt more like friends than lovers anymore. So, it is important to keep a part of mystery in order to keep the flame of love alive. But how far can we go in that mystery area? And what if our life collapses suddenly because of illness or the loss of someone very close to our heart? I guess there’s a balance to find in all of this.

I’ve asked around me what people think about the friendship in a couple, and this is how they replied.

“I can’t act in front of my man as I would act with my brother or my roommates under the same roof. For me, this would kill completely the desire I can have for him. So, there’s no way he would see me dressed like shit like I would hang out on lazy sundays. I would try to put my best figure for him. Yet, I do expect him to listen to my problems whenever I have one.”P., 34, said.

“I’m not his best buddy. I can’t tolerate the things his best buddy would tolerate. This is simple as that. I expect him to behave nicely with me. And I don’t see myself treating him as my best friend too. I don’t want to compromise myself in a position that would make me pathetic in front of him. I really fear his desire for me would vanish” B.,30, said.

“I think there is a line between your friend and your man. Of course, I expect him to listen to my problems when I have one. But there’s always that aspect of seduction en plus. With a friend, I won’t act like that” K., 34, said.

So, where do you draw the line between a friend and a lover?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The truth behind the lies

Recently, I went to the wedding of one of my friends. Her husband and her have known each other for years but they didn’t like each other at first. Both have a tempestuous charachter, and when they first met, it didn’t go so smooth. At least, from my friend’s side, it wasn’t the case. She told me he was quite rude with her, and that she felt forced to answer that back to him. They were coworkers, and had to work together. So, she felt forced to try to be nice to him despite this disastrous meeting. She didn’t know he was genuinely fond of her, and that his rudeness was just a defensive mechanism because he felt she didn’t like him. On the other hand, she thought he was talking shit behind her back, and she acted very cautiously with him. She was pissed all of the time with him, until they had their Christmas Party at work. Ah, those Christmas Parties! Mine are always filled with drama, odd couples, stupid behaviours,… Hers wasn’t so different. Her coworker got drunk during the party, and at the end of the evening, he jumped on the bar, and shouted out loud how beautiful, intelligent and lovely she was. He added that she could be the woman of his life, if only she would dare opening her heart to him. My friend was petrified. She left the party, and got pissed he embarrassed her like that in front of everyone. The next morning, just before she arrived at work, she received an SMS from him, asking her to have a coffee together before starting the day. She accepted. There, at the coffee shop, he apologized to her for being such a fool. He didn’t add anything more. She thought he was simply too drunk and said stupid things. Yet, she told me she felt disappointed he didn’t confirm to her what he said at the party. She felt like a fool too. The next days, they spent their time avoiding carefully each other, but everyone at work noticed that there was something going on between them. They didn’t make a move until one day, one of their coworkers invited everyone for his retirement party. They didn’t drink during the night, despite of all of their colleagues getting drunk. Instead, they ended up chatting with each other outside the room, and what happened happened.

They didn’t choose the easy way to fall in love with each other. But each of us tend to barricade ourselves when we fall in love with someone. We don’t want to have our heart broken, so we put a lot of tests to our potential partner. Lies are common to avoid revealing our feelings too much, too soon. It’s just that we have to tell the truth about our love in the right moment. If we don’t, it can be too late.

Sometimes, we even lie to ourselves about the feeling we have for a special someone. This can occur because the person is already taken. For example, a married man, or your best friend’s lover. This can also happen you’re already involved in another relationship. And it can happen that both of you are involved in another relationship. So, we lie to ourselves because we don’t want to ruin anything and feel guilty about it. But some people prefer following their heart in this case.

The big question here is deciphering the truth, when our lover doesn’t make it easy to understand. Sometimes, a little help from alcohol, or another person, is needed. Sometimes, signs speak for themselves.

So, can you easily tell when people are lying to you?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The world I know

When we fall in love, we expose ourselves to a complete change in our existence. I read once an interview of Helène Mercier, Bernard Arnault’s wife, where she said that she had to embrace a brand new world when she chose to marry one of the wealthiest men of the planet. This is especially true if both of you come from a very different world from each other. But not only. I do believe that when we fall in love with someone, we fall in love with the world he/she’s living in too. For instance, one of my coworkers married a soprano. He met her while she was singing at the opera. Of course, he’s a big fan of operas. I guess he wouldn’t have fallen in love with her if she wasn’t a soprano. He told me he was fascinated with her world. In Bernard Arnault’s case,  the same dynamic would apply. He’s a big fan of the piano. His wife is one of the most talented pianists.

But when we fall in love with our lover’s world, we don’t necessarily embrace it as a whole. As Francesco Alberoni says, we create a new world that only belongs to us. A new dynamic. Because we don’t give up our own world.  If it’s the case, we’re alienating ourselves. It’s not sane at all. Some would argue that falling in love is not sane at all, because it’s irrational.  Yes, it is. But that doesn’t mean we have to give up our own personality. Sooner or later, our real nature will come back with a vengeance.

Besides, creating a new world together may need some adjustments at the beginning of the relationship. I can imagine Helène Mercier had to adapt to her husband’s world when she entered it. I read she has to wear LVMH brands when she’s on a show. (I wouldn’t mind at all, personally :mrgreen: ). Plus, she had to meet all of her husband’s friends. And so did he with hers. Our world counts many aspects. It feeds through our personality, but it goes way beyond it.  What we do defines it. What we wish defines it. Who we see define it,…

Have you ever thought about what’s defining your world?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Silly signs

In the movie Chungking Express, the opening scene starts with a voice saying: “We cross every day. We don’t know each other. We will be probably friends someday“. Then, the movie follows with He Qi-Wu, a police officer, who just got dumped on the 1rst of April by his girlfriend. He gives himself one month for her to come back, and buys  each day a tin of pineapple expiring on the 1rst of May, as a reminder. He met in between a woman, and counts the days left before he could fall in love with her.

I like this opening scene. It means for me that destiny has curious ways for showing itself. And that sometimes, destiny sends us signs we’re able to decipher or not. These signs are generally pure coincidences. When those coincidences happen a lot in a short period of time, then, it may be worth taking these into account. But how? One of my friends knew her husband was the one when they were talking about silly topics. She told me that at one moment, she thought about an elephant during the conversation. “We were playing a little game consisting in telling what was going on in our mind, and at one moment, we decided to tell simultaneously to each other the image in our mind. The word elephant came out simultaneously of our mouths. We couldn’t believe it”  she said. They began dating shortly after, and got married three years ago.

This is a good coincidence. But sometimes, those coincidences happen when the course of our life makes it impossible to push things forward. An example? Recently, I had to do probably the weirdest interview of my career, where I had to accompany the CEO I was interviewing to his place where he uses to chill out. We sat down on a bench there to do the interview. When the photographer arrived to take his picture, he just laughed and told me we picked the lovers’ bench in the forest. This is how it is called. I looked at him with horror. This  is a stupid coincidence.  All of my friends laughed about this incident, and told me it was sweet. I don’t think so, it gives me the impression to be an escort girl or something like that.  Important details: he’s of course married. And I’m not available at all.

So, incident/ coincidence like this should never evolve into something else.

Do you believe in signs?

life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Attached at the hip

Do we have to do everything in common when we’re a couple? Not necessarily. There are tons of situations where you will end up separated from your significant other. The first one is probably at work. Unless if you run a business together, chances are you won’t see him/her during the day because of this activity. Then, there are other occasions. Recently, one of my friends went on vacation without her man, because he couldn’t take some days off.  She won a competition where the price was a holiday in the Maldives for two. But her man couldn’t come with her. So she took her sister with her.

There are also situations where we  choose voluntarily to do things on our own. For example, one couple I know take each year a week off far from each other. They usually go in some remote places in the planet, just to ease the pressure. She goes in India, meditating in an ashram, while he goes visiting volcanoes,… They told me that they tried to bring each other into their trip, but gave up because ashrams bore Mister, and so do volcanoes for Madam. One of my colleagues let her man go skiing each year without her, because she doesn’t like it at all. “I tried to accompany him, but it wasn’t really my cup of tea. I had the impression to slow him down in every activity he wanted to do in the mountain. So I decided that he would be better off alone skiing” she said.

If you feel forced to do something with your significant other just to please him, chances are a) you won’t enjoy it b) you can be resentful  toward him. But we can’t do everything apart from each other. Otherwise, what’s the point of staying together? Besides, where’s the limit of doing things separately? Most of my friends say that it doesn’t matter, as long as you can manage to spend quality time together from time to time. It can be anything, as long as you enjoy spending your time with the other.

So, do you feel the need to isolate yourself from your significant other from time to time, or do you need to do everything together?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Welcome to heartbreak

Recently, I had to interview a well known personality in my country, and the topic was supposed to cover his hobbies. Instead of telling me he liked to cook with his wife duringthe weekend, running errands in his garden, playing with his kids, riding a bicycle,… and other stuffs normal people do during their free time, he said that he spends most of his time writing, and when he’s not, he’s just thinking about what he would write next. I cannot blame him. I do this all the time too. And I find it hard to turn off the switch of my brain when night comes (I’m a bit insomniac). But this isn’t eat  me. I try my best to get out as much as possible, and occupy my brain with light things like what my friends are going through or my family/ man’ s antics. I would be unhappy if not.

The guy is married. I thought to myself that a) he lied to me, and isn’t like that at all. He just wanted to give that image of him b) he is indeed like that. And if it’s the case, I just pity a lot his wife. Unless she shares with him the same passion of writing. I hope so.

When you are passionate about something, only someone who’s passionate about it too can understand you. If  not, I don’t think the relationship can be really sustainable. I read recently an article about Helene Mercier, who’s the second wife of Bernard Arnault, the billionaire and CEO of LVMH. She’s a famous pianist, and her husband is passionate about the piano. They play sometimes together. But they’re not in competition with each other. He has his job at LVMH. She plays the piano. I guess that’s a good balance.

 I also met a fund manager specialized in wine investments. And his wife was a wine producer. Tons of my coworkers are married with another journalist. But not from the same media, or the same publication. Only someone who share the same passion can understand and accept your long hours spent devoted to your passion.

It’s best if you share the same passion. Generally, we say that birds of a feather flock together. But if there’s competition between you, it can ruin your relationship. It’s quite common in the world of actors. When one member of the couple get more successful than the other, it can lead to tension and a breakup. But not only.

So, are you passionate about something?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Don’t dream, it’s over

In the movie “Amélie“, Amélie falls in love with a guy she doesn’t have a clue about, but try a little hide and seek game with him until they finally meet for real. There’s a voice in the movie that said “An ordinary girl would have invited the guy for a coffee and see if he’s worth  it or not right away, but Amelie is no ordinary girl“.  So, I wonder, is it a good idea to get things clear from the start? I do believe so. But yet, if you’re a dreamer and a romantic, it’s difficult to come down to reality right away. However, when it comes to your heart, it’s best to anticipate a really bad damage to it if you hope too much for too long.

There’s something thrilling about fantasizing on someone we don’t know nothing about. In our dreams, he/she could have all the qualities you want. But unfortunately, nobody’s perfect. And the real him/her can be really different from the one you are fantasizing on. One of my friends encountered that experience. A guy she knew very little about had a big crush on her for years, and when she yielded to him, he got hugely disappointed. “If he had dared to know me better from the start, we wouldn’t have got together at all” she said.

A thorough due diligence is also helpful if you want to get someone out of you head. One of my friends had a huge crush on one of her coworkers, and it was torturing her because everytime she had to talk to him, she didn’t know what to say, and felt completely stupid all of the time. Then, once, her company organized a seminar abroad, where some team building activities were planned. She got the opportunity to know her colleague more during that time, and suddenly, all of her fears and hopes about him vanished. “He was such a dork. He couldn’t decide on his own, and had to rely on me everytime. Plus, he was the exact opposite of a gentleman. I was relieved, but also disappointed. He was just ordinary” She said.

The truth is sometimes too hard to handle. But sometimes, it’s for your best interest.

So, do you try to know if it’s worth straight away with your crush?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

What you have to lose

Recently, I went to lunch with some old classmates, and we spent our entire time talking about the other classmates. Our conversation pretty much revolved  around one of them, who married just after College with the wealthy heiress of a powerful group. All of us were jealous. He quickly became the deputy CEO of his wife’s father, and got all the extras such a job can bring:  the car, the house, the luxurious holidays, … He had everything. I didn’t hear about him until my meeting with my old classmates. He got divorced recently. One of my classmates told me he could keep his job at his company. Luckily for him, things didn’t get sour with the rest of his former wife’s family. In fact, she left him for another man. And his family-in-law didn’t blame him for that. Still, his situation must be very odd because he has to deal with his ex’s family. Not really helpful if you want to turn the page of your failed relationship. Some people can deal with this, though. I’m not sure I can.

This is a good issue for such a story. But sometimes, things don’t come out so nicely. Especially if you’re the cause of the breakup. One of my acquaintances used to be married to the daughter of a brewery owner. He worked for his father-in-law at the brewery, and loved the job. But he committed one mistake of cheating on his wife, and unfortunately for him, he got caught up. His wife told him to get out of her life, and he got quicked out of his company too. He lost a lot in this relationship.   

When a relationship goes belly up, there are always some collateral damages. It depends on how your life is twirled with your partner. If you work in his/her father’s company, or run a business together, the aftermaths of a break up can be delicate to manage. And you can lose a lot just like that. It’s not pleasant to have to look again after a new home and start your new life as a single person. But if you add to that a job loss, it’s even more unpleasant.

This is why some of my friends say that they will never mix business and love. You never know what will happen in the future, says one of my friends. I agree with her.

One of my coworkers got separated very recently, and he told me that the only disadvantage he had when he broke up with his wife was that he had to find a new dentist. His father-in-law used to be his. He said that his in-law didn’t quick him out. “I was just afraid he could butcher me with his tools. I don’t trust him”  he said.

In some African cultures,  the sons in law and family-in-law practice the passing relationship. I do think it’s a wise thing.

So, do you try to separate your professional life from your private life?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Give it to me right…

… Or just don’t give me at all.

At the G8 meeting last week, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy refused to follow the other president’s wives during their tour in Rome, and she also arrived on a separate group so she could avoid meeting Silvio Berlusconi. Apparently, she doesn’t like Il commendatore (and I can understand her). But unfortunately for her, he’s a friend of her husband. So, in this case, she’s a bit forced to be nice with him. At least, she has to, if she doesn’t want to upset her husband.

Unfortunately, when we fall in love, we don’t know if we would get along with the object of our affection’s friends. In the case of Carla, there were some warning signs. She’s close to the Socialist Party in her heart. Her husband is from the opposite Party. Her ideas can only collide with her husband’s friend. She didn’t choose an easy situation by falling in love with Nicolas. But if she wants to make things work between them, she has to adapt, with the risk of losing herself in this relationship. It’s not easy to give up your philosophy like that.

Why is it so important to please your lover’s friends? Well, first, they are his/her best allies. They know him better than you do, simply because sometimes, they’ve known the object of your affection since they were kids, while you came years later in his/her life. Second, if they don’t like you, they can ruin  your relationship. Each time you will fight with him/her, his/her friends will take position against you. And if they hate you, they will take  the opportunity to advise him/her a break up. And at last, if you don’t  like them, you will have to bear their presence each time he/she wants to pay them a visit. So, it’s in your best interest to like his/her friends (at least, some of them) and that the feeling is mutual.

On the other hand, if you don’t like them, they can serve as a good indicator that maybe, the object of your affection isn’t the One. If you absolutely hate all of his/her friends, ask yourself why you love him/her. They’re a part of him/her. It’s a part you have to accept, or not.

But you don’t have to like all of his/her friends. Only those who matter the most. And usually, they boil down to two or three people. This makes the task less daunting. It’s just important to know who are the one swho matter in his/her life.

I’ve asked around me if people matter about their lover’s friends, and most of the time, people answer that they try to be nice with their best friends. Period.

So, do you think it’s important to have his/her friends on your side?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Gold digger

Smart girls marry moneyAccording to Daniela Drake and Elizabeth Ford, women should find their fortune while they’re young and marry a man with money. Should they? Yes and no. It’s true that we have a better chance to score when we’re young. The same doesn’t apply for men, unfortunately. Look at Geooooorge Clooney (Sigh).

At 48, he still attracts thousands of young and not so young women around the world, and has no problem renewing hs turnover of lovers.

On the other hand, actresses like Sharon Stone have more a mixed success.

Many of my male friends think she’s intimidating or just too old for them. And her love life seems less full than George Clooney.

That’s for the seduction part.

Then, for the money part, it’s true that choosing a partner with money will allow you to avoid some problems, like a demanding man for example, but also tensions in the couple if you’re more successful than him. If he has money, chances are he would be in a higher social position than you, at least, if you’re young and nowhere in your career. If you marry him, then divorce, he will have to pay you a spousal support. And in this case, the richer he is, the better it is for you.

But that doesn’t make a happy marriage, unfortunately. Fortune just allows you to secure a little bit your life. A little bit. Remember that we can get fooled by randomness. We cannot control totally our destiny. Look at what happened to most of us during this financial crisis.

I had plenty examples of those kind of marriages around me. When I was a banker, some of my female clients were had a very rich husband who allowed them to spend a lot on clothes, jewelry and travels. But yet, they were all unsatisfied because either he was always working and they hardly see him, or he wasn’t loving them the way they wanted. Besides, I learned that when there is a divorce, tons of parameters get into the equation, and it’s not because he’s rich that you will end up with a spousal support.  Some of my clients were left with nothing after their divorce, despite marrying a rich man.

On the other hand, I know a lot of couples where Madam earns more that Mister. Some of them are perfectly fine with this. Other aren’t.

We can run after fortune, and never find love on the road. We can run after love, and never find fortune. I don’t know what’s the best option.

So, do you look for a partner who’s richer than you?