broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

What you have to lose

Recently, I went to lunch with some old classmates, and we spent our entire time talking about the other classmates. Our conversation pretty much revolved  around one of them, who married just after College with the wealthy heiress of a powerful group. All of us were jealous. He quickly became the deputy CEO of his wife’s father, and got all the extras such a job can bring:  the car, the house, the luxurious holidays, … He had everything. I didn’t hear about him until my meeting with my old classmates. He got divorced recently. One of my classmates told me he could keep his job at his company. Luckily for him, things didn’t get sour with the rest of his former wife’s family. In fact, she left him for another man. And his family-in-law didn’t blame him for that. Still, his situation must be very odd because he has to deal with his ex’s family. Not really helpful if you want to turn the page of your failed relationship. Some people can deal with this, though. I’m not sure I can.

This is a good issue for such a story. But sometimes, things don’t come out so nicely. Especially if you’re the cause of the breakup. One of my acquaintances used to be married to the daughter of a brewery owner. He worked for his father-in-law at the brewery, and loved the job. But he committed one mistake of cheating on his wife, and unfortunately for him, he got caught up. His wife told him to get out of her life, and he got quicked out of his company too. He lost a lot in this relationship.   

When a relationship goes belly up, there are always some collateral damages. It depends on how your life is twirled with your partner. If you work in his/her father’s company, or run a business together, the aftermaths of a break up can be delicate to manage. And you can lose a lot just like that. It’s not pleasant to have to look again after a new home and start your new life as a single person. But if you add to that a job loss, it’s even more unpleasant.

This is why some of my friends say that they will never mix business and love. You never know what will happen in the future, says one of my friends. I agree with her.

One of my coworkers got separated very recently, and he told me that the only disadvantage he had when he broke up with his wife was that he had to find a new dentist. His father-in-law used to be his. He said that his in-law didn’t quick him out. “I was just afraid he could butcher me with his tools. I don’t trust him”  he said.

In some African cultures,  the sons in law and family-in-law practice the passing relationship. I do think it’s a wise thing.

So, do you try to separate your professional life from your private life?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Give it to me right…

… Or just don’t give me at all.

At the G8 meeting last week, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy refused to follow the other president’s wives during their tour in Rome, and she also arrived on a separate group so she could avoid meeting Silvio Berlusconi. Apparently, she doesn’t like Il commendatore (and I can understand her). But unfortunately for her, he’s a friend of her husband. So, in this case, she’s a bit forced to be nice with him. At least, she has to, if she doesn’t want to upset her husband.

Unfortunately, when we fall in love, we don’t know if we would get along with the object of our affection’s friends. In the case of Carla, there were some warning signs. She’s close to the Socialist Party in her heart. Her husband is from the opposite Party. Her ideas can only collide with her husband’s friend. She didn’t choose an easy situation by falling in love with Nicolas. But if she wants to make things work between them, she has to adapt, with the risk of losing herself in this relationship. It’s not easy to give up your philosophy like that.

Why is it so important to please your lover’s friends? Well, first, they are his/her best allies. They know him better than you do, simply because sometimes, they’ve known the object of your affection since they were kids, while you came years later in his/her life. Second, if they don’t like you, they can ruin  your relationship. Each time you will fight with him/her, his/her friends will take position against you. And if they hate you, they will take  the opportunity to advise him/her a break up. And at last, if you don’t  like them, you will have to bear their presence each time he/she wants to pay them a visit. So, it’s in your best interest to like his/her friends (at least, some of them) and that the feeling is mutual.

On the other hand, if you don’t like them, they can serve as a good indicator that maybe, the object of your affection isn’t the One. If you absolutely hate all of his/her friends, ask yourself why you love him/her. They’re a part of him/her. It’s a part you have to accept, or not.

But you don’t have to like all of his/her friends. Only those who matter the most. And usually, they boil down to two or three people. This makes the task less daunting. It’s just important to know who are the one swho matter in his/her life.

I’ve asked around me if people matter about their lover’s friends, and most of the time, people answer that they try to be nice with their best friends. Period.

So, do you think it’s important to have his/her friends on your side?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Gold digger

Smart girls marry moneyAccording to Daniela Drake and Elizabeth Ford, women should find their fortune while they’re young and marry a man with money. Should they? Yes and no. It’s true that we have a better chance to score when we’re young. The same doesn’t apply for men, unfortunately. Look at Geooooorge Clooney (Sigh).

At 48, he still attracts thousands of young and not so young women around the world, and has no problem renewing hs turnover of lovers.

On the other hand, actresses like Sharon Stone have more a mixed success.

Many of my male friends think she’s intimidating or just too old for them. And her love life seems less full than George Clooney.

That’s for the seduction part.

Then, for the money part, it’s true that choosing a partner with money will allow you to avoid some problems, like a demanding man for example, but also tensions in the couple if you’re more successful than him. If he has money, chances are he would be in a higher social position than you, at least, if you’re young and nowhere in your career. If you marry him, then divorce, he will have to pay you a spousal support. And in this case, the richer he is, the better it is for you.

But that doesn’t make a happy marriage, unfortunately. Fortune just allows you to secure a little bit your life. A little bit. Remember that we can get fooled by randomness. We cannot control totally our destiny. Look at what happened to most of us during this financial crisis.

I had plenty examples of those kind of marriages around me. When I was a banker, some of my female clients were had a very rich husband who allowed them to spend a lot on clothes, jewelry and travels. But yet, they were all unsatisfied because either he was always working and they hardly see him, or he wasn’t loving them the way they wanted. Besides, I learned that when there is a divorce, tons of parameters get into the equation, and it’s not because he’s rich that you will end up with a spousal support.  Some of my clients were left with nothing after their divorce, despite marrying a rich man.

On the other hand, I know a lot of couples where Madam earns more that Mister. Some of them are perfectly fine with this. Other aren’t.

We can run after fortune, and never find love on the road. We can run after love, and never find fortune. I don’t know what’s the best option.

So, do you look for a partner who’s richer than you?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

If it’s too good to be true…

When I was in College, I knew a girl who got seduced by one of the touts of a sect. The guy was charming, and he easily seduced her by telling her everything she wanted to hear. Luckily for her, she realized she was forced into a sect when he brought her to his cult, and she ran away. I guess she loved herself enough not to buy everything the guy told her. Sects usually pick their victims among those who doubt about themselves because they lost someone close to their heart or underwent a failure in their scholar/professionnal path. The modus operandi is really simple: they just listen to what you have to say, care about you and your ideas, compliment you all of the time, then put doubts in you, and introduce you to their world. Whether you’re intelligent or not is not the point here. When you know how to manipulate people, you can manipulate anyone, including the most intelligent person on this planet.

Recently, one of my friends came to me because she feared she had been targeted by a sect. She met a while ago a very charming man who kept on complimenting her about her intelligence. But she didn’t buy it at all. “I know I’m not stupid, but I’m not brilliant either. He has complimented me for work where I completely sucked. Or for work I got critics on. At first, I thought it was very kind of him. But then, I realized he was a bit manipulative. The problem was that I didn’t have enough self-esteem to let him go, and instead of pushing him away, I kept on running back to him because I needed him to comfort me.  There’s just something wrong. I don’t feel the guy at all. I can’t tell if he’s genuine or not.  I did try to escape him, but each time, he came back to me. But we have nothing in common. I can’t believe a guy like him wants to be friend with someone like me. We don’t live in the same world. And he doesn’t seem like a guy who’s very liberal”  she said. I told her to seek the help of a therapist.

We, women, have a very particular gift that is called intuition. I use a lot my perception to guide myself, and so far, my intuition didn’t mislead me at all. So, when you feel there’s something wrong, maybe you should listen to your fear, and move away.

So, do you listen to your intuition?

broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Ordinary days

Recently, I had a talk with some of my friends about one acquaintance who’s trapped into a very peculiar relationship. Some of my friends met her and her man when they were just at the beginning of their love affair, and they told me they already noticed something wrong between them. They were always fighting, and she always ended the evening crying. It’s been seven years now they’ve been together, and so far, the fights haven’t calmed down. One of my friends recalls that once, she went out with them and a group of common acquaintances. She took her then boyfriend with them, and as it was the beginning of their relationship, they shown a lot of PDA. Our acquaintance looked at them with tears in her eyes. “It’s like she never knew this with her man” said my friend. She recently welcomed her second child, but apparently, she had to beg her man to make her pregnant again. Which means he withholds sex. One of my friends who’s also her coworker told me she had caught her many times with tears in her eyes, and has heard her crying in the bathroom.

They met on the Internet. Some of my friends wondered how it is possible to get a match so wrong on a dating site, despite having to fill a lot of criteria. “It’s like they don’t have any common point” she said.  Well, the truth is you can meet everything on the web, like you can meet anything on real life too. It’s easy to lie on your real personality on those dating sites. Some of us will embellish the truth about themselves just to make them more desirable. When you’re not that beautiful, you will try to put your best profile. It’s hard to get rejected. Then, when you hook someone on the web, it’s marvelous. And I can imagine at that moment you don’t give a damn if he/she’s the right person for you. Because when you had many, many connexions with people who just stop and then go, you become less vigilant. I believe this is how they got together.

Personally, I believe their relationship is ill-fated. He obviously doesn’t treat her like she deserves, and she doesn’t love herself enough to confront her man. I just hope he’s not violent with her.

So, what would you do if your partner doesn’t respect you?