broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Back in the game

Can we get totally disgusted with the dating game? One of my friends is currently fed up with her multiple failures with the opposite sex, and she told me that she won’t date any man for a long time. “It’s hopeless. I have enough of falling in love with the wrong guy. Why do I never gain? I always end  up as the fool in the story. I don’t know if I’m able to trust a guy again after F.” she said. F., her last boyfriend, was a true asshole. We all warned her about him, but she didn’t listen. He didn’t treat her the right way, was very mean and macho with her. He always criticized her in front of everyone, including her friends. He was also jealous and hated all her male friends. But that didn’t stop him flirting with other women, including her friends.  He also cheated on her.  Numerous times. She only found out about this recently, hence the break up. But this really took a toll on her. “I’ve done them all. The macho, the afraid of commitment, the married guy, the guy who wants to marry you for his green card, the cheater,..” she said. I replied to her that at least, she had never dated a manipulative or violent man or that she had the lucidity to leave before it could get really nasty for her. Not everyone can do the same, unfortunately.  But it didn’t cheer her up.  Maybe it’s me. Maybe I want too much “ she said.

It’s clear that her last relationship made her lose her confidence. But I’m sure that she will be back in the game. She has to. That is said, in French, we have a proverb that says “Chat échaudé craint l’eau chaude“, which translates into “a cat boiled once would fear hot water“. Once we have shed too many tears, hurt too much, fought too much and got betrayed, we can get afraid to get fooled again. In this case, time again is our most precious allies. We just need time to forget, and forgive. It’s the only way to move on. During that time, it’s important to focus on ourselves, but on the good part of ourselves, instead of ruminating our bad feelings. Another friend of mine just ended her three years relationship with a guy who barely respected her.  After one month of mourning, she decided she would spend her free time in something useful. So, she volunteered to read stories to children in a hospital.  And she told me that she begins to feel lighter again. I think she has reason to do so.

We all have our own recipe to feel good about ourselves. We shouldn’t forget about that when we have our heart broken. Again, the pain we can get from a broken heart can be translate into something positive, something creative.

Besides, if we don’t move on, this is how we can miss the great encounter of our life.

So, do you think it’s possible to get totally disgusted by love?


10 thoughts on “Back in the game

  1. do you think it’s possible to get totally disgusted by love?

    Yes. It’s possible to get disgusted with and by just about everything.

    Your friend that broke it off with F, thinking back on the men that contribute to her data of bad relationships, are there any patterns with how she meets them? Do these less-than-stellar men share any personality traits?

    Rather than her falling for the wrong guy time and time again, perhaps the wrong guy keeps going after her.

  2. I would say that the disgustion would come from having too many bad relationships that never seem to turn out right. We won’t know what kind of person we are dating until we have spent some time with them.

    Sometimes, it’s not enough as some people are just too good at hiding their real selves unless some situation happens just after the two of you have started dating.

    The only way is to get out of such relationships ASAP. The next to is immerse yourself in some social activities that gives you the kind of treatment you deserve, respect and love.

    For my part, I focused on the type of partner whom I would love to spend time with; loving, caring, etc. I have since found him.

    Bless those who would find their partners who will treat them right.

  3. Sittingpugs, I think she may be responsible for her wrong choice of men. Like WB said, we shouldn’t stay in a relationship that makes us suffer, and leave asap.

    WB, I’m glad you have found the right one.

  4. I’m sure it is possible to become disgusted by love. The English phrase “once bitten, twice shy” is quite accurate for a broken heart. Each time that one experiences a heartache due to the collapse of a relationship, one is increasingly wary of committing next time round.

    I have been “back in the game” for a week now, after a year-and-a-half long relationship. I was not treated badly, but was perhaps not offered enough reciprocal support when I found things difficult. That said, it was not my decision to end the relationship, and I’m inclined to work on these things. I’m now a little disenfranchised with relationships – maybe I’d be better off keeping myself to myself.

    I am lucky enough to have some amazing friends who are helping me through this, and I am training to be a primary school teacher, so luckily I can find fulfilment elsewhere, but there is probably a limit to how many times one can put their heart in the hands of another. I doubt I have reached the limit yet, but I could imagine that one more case of a broken heart might do it.

    With regards to your friend, it is quite sad that she feels like this about it, but her choice of partners is obviously a little foolish. It is never good when someone’s heart is broken, but I’m a nice guy and it drives me nuts to see lovely women who repeatedly involve themselves with complete scumbags. You don’t have to be nasty to be interesting. I hope she finds happiness with a nicer person.

    (P.S. That was another great post. Keep doing what you’re doing!)

  5. I’m a nice guy and it drives me nuts to see lovely women who repeatedly involve themselves with complete scumbags.

    Humans like to do things that are bad for them? Familiarity always seems safer (knowing how the story will end with unsavory characters can be preferable to some people than uncertainty over the future with much more pleasant players). A line has to be drawn somewhere, of course.

  6. That’s a really good point. It cannot be preferable in the long run though. Choosing to repeat that kind of relationship means that each time you start a new one you’d be living with a relationship time-bomb. The end of the relationship is part of the guarantee which came with the beginning of it.

    If it is possible to put these emotions to one side, and draw the line and take a risk with someone pleasant, it would surely be a preferable long-term option to take. It would just be hard to put into practice.

  7. Olly, you’re doing the right thing. And we all learn from our failed relationships. I hope my friend will find happiness. But it will only starts if she learns how to love herself properly. This is how nice women can get repeatedly involved with “scumbags”. I didn’t know the english translation for “chat echaudé craint l’eau chaude”. This is how we say in French your “once bitten, twice shy”. Thank you for that!
    Sittinpugs, we can be masochisitic sometimes. A line has to be drawn, you’re right.

  8. Jennifer says:

    It’s been five years and I still haven’t had a rebound date yet. Or even likey-liked someone. So no, you don’t “have” to “get back in the game.” I really don’t think my taste in men has improved even after a few years of therapy, and they’re all married off by now anyway in my town.

    And well, not everyone IS going to find the love of their life. Even if they look as hard as they can, some people get lucky and some don’t. And I have always had a bitch of a time finding even one person I can stand to date (see five years here), so…it isn’t me, is it?

  9. Technically, no one is obliged to get back in the game. But many of us wish to see our future pan out with a lasting relationship with a happy partner. With that in mind, we would probably be too unhappy being permanently removed from the game. I know that I derive fulfilment from a loving relationship.

    Some people do get lucky, yes. However, this is one of those situations in which you can make your own luck. I’m sometimes inclined to hermit myself away for prolonged periods of time, when it is of course less likely that I will meet people who might turn out to be the love of my life. Of course, you still need luck, but you can vastly reduce the percentage that you rely on luck.

    Finding a lasting relationship is as much about having the right attitude yourself as it is finding someone else who has the right attitude. It’s just hard to pull off the first one, let alone the second.

    Jennifer, your comments sound a little sadly negative. It can’t be that everyone in your town is married, even if it may seem so. I would venture to suggest, even at the risk of sounding harsh, that if you can’t find someone you “stand to date”, then a big part of it IS you. A lot have the opposite problem, that people can’t stand to date them. I seem to. Not that you won’t have been unfortunate along the way, but you perhaps have reason to feel more optimistic than you seem to.

    Modobs, thanks in turn for teaching me the French expression. I used to know a little French, and I love how proverbs which mean the same thing translate differently in other languages. I completely agree that loving oneself, truly, is absolutely essential for finding someone to love you in turn. Again, it’s a tough act to pull off though.

  10. Jennifer, do you have a good therapist? Do you trust yours enough to confide all of your fears, all that isn’t good about you, all that you hate? I know it’s difficult to tell the truth about ourselves. Sometimes, we don’t want to see the truth.

    Olly, indeed, if you feel forced to get back in the game, chances are you will reject everyone around you. We all look for love, but sometimes, for a reason, we can forget about that. It’s easy to be the shadow of yourself. It’s important not to to forget about who we are. I don’t believe finding the one is exclusively based on luck. And you’re welcome!

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