broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

It’s you when I look in the mirror


… And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone

I met very recently an old friend of mine I haven’t seen since high school. Back then, I was secretly in love with him. But I was just too coward to make any move. And I didn’t think he was interested. I also remember that we used to laugh a lot when we hung out together, but we were unable to have a simple conversation apart. This time, I had the occasion to chat with him. It was the first time that we had this kind of conversation. When we were younger, his parents just got divorced, and he remained very mum about this. I know this hurt him a lot, because he kept on doing weird things and went out to parties whenever he can. He also began to act very rebellious with his parents, especially with his father. But not rebellious enough because he went to study engineering at college, and succeeded. He’s now a very demanded architect, and lives in a very chic suburb of the City of London.

Like me, he’s not married, and doesn’t have any child, but he’s been with his partner for eight years, with some pauses during this time. When we talked about our old classmates, he mentioned that he was appalled to see how many of them have put their pictures on FB with their children. He also said that he feared, if we made a classmates reunion one of these days, that everyone would come with their children’s pictures, and that this subject is soo boring. Of course, when you don’t have kids, it’s really difficult to understand those who have some. I just told him that this topic wasn’t my biggest fear if we ever had a reunion with all our old classmates. Then, I asked him if he wanted to have kids. He said no. He also replied that he didn’t believe in marriage, that’s why he’s not married. And he added he didn’t want to follow his father’s path. Rebellion, rebellion…

I didn’t realise when we were teenagers that we had that common point, he and I. I must admit I do my best not to act like my mother. My rebellion started at an early age than my friend, though. I was extremely lazy at school, and often disappointed my mother. When I think about it, maybe this is also the reason why I’m  not married, don’t have any kids, and write articles my mom is absolutely unable to understand (the mystery of finance…) and actually enjoy this.  Yet, I know that if I ever get pregnant, … In fact, this perspective is frightening me a little bit. When I see my friends with their children, I’m happy for them. But I don’t know if I’m able to be a good mother, or if I would follow my mother’s path.  

I know that if my friend’s partner does get pregnant, he would act at first as an asshole with her. It’s written in his destiny. And would accept it, or not. But it would be a major point of argument in his couple. I bet this is already the case.

Part of maturity is to take our distance with our rebellious behavior, and learn to make peace with ourselves. Until we forgive, we cannot evolve and keep on repeating the same pattern that makes us suffer. The key is to find the way to break that circle.

So, how do you get along with your parents?

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5 thoughts on “It’s you when I look in the mirror

  1. I get on really well with my parents. For me, they provide a really good example for how a loving and tolerant relationship should work. I’m really proud to be their son.

    I’ve always been a rebellious soul, but I never had to rebel against my parents because they did not build anything up to be a big taboo. They understood that sometimes when I was growing up, I would go to a party. They understood I would like a bit of independence.

    This is not to say that my parents and I don’t have disagreements, but I am so glad I’ve had them to bring me up. There are some things I would do differently if I were a father, but not many, and I doubt I could be a much better parent than mine are to me.

    (P.S. Modobs, that’s another really good post. I only discovered your blog a couple of weeks ago, but I think it’s fantastic.)

  2. Ellis I. Lee says:

    last night i was talking to a friend on the phone when he asked me a question. he asked if i felt jealous that our military friend had committed suicide last month.

    there was a long silence as i thought about it.

    i finally answered that i was not jealous
    but i regret ever having been born

    i blame my parents for that.

  3. Geez, Ellis, that’s a weird question! Jealous? And blaming your parents for being born? We are on this planet because we are! We should never apologize for being born.

  4. Ellis I. Lee says:

    and being born, we should make the best of what we do with our lives on this planet…

    and you are right: it was a weird question.

    but i seem to get quite a bit of them.

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