Is it possible to repeat the same mistake over and over again in our relationships? Among my friends, one of them is just repeating a pattern with his new relationship. He’s been with his new lady for two years, but they still live separately from each other. And have no plans to move together. My friend was previously married for twelve years with a woman who cheated on him and got pregnant from her lover. She hid this detail to my friend, and made him believe he was the father, until the real one came to claim his paternity two years later. Their marriage was a bit weird, because they live separately during the week, and only shared their weekends together. Generally, those weekends were filled with a lot of family reunions, friends reunions, … In other words, they hardly managed to spend time alone together. Back then, their situation could have found a solution. He could have asked to move in the city where she was working during the week. She could have asked to work in his city. But neither of them wanted to change a thing. Even when their “daughter” came into their lives, they didn’t change their distant relationship.
His new relationship is following the same path. Her new love lives in another town. She pays him a visit during the weekends, but hardly sees him during the week. My friend is working everyday very late, so she wouldn’t get much time seeing him during the week. I asked him why she couldn’t move in with him. Even if he’s working a lot, she would get a better chance to catch him. But he replied that he’s fine with this. “I’m afraid it could kill our love. If I see her on a daily basis, I’m afraid this could ruin everything” he said. Yet, he’s behaving exactly like in his previous relationship. And chances are his new one will go belly up if she doesn’t share his vision of love and wants to move in with him.
Another friend of mine admitted she kept on repeating the same mistake in her relationships. She dated only guys who weren’t available for her. She collected married men. She had also this guy who would only see her on thursdays, after 10 pm, but couldn’t spend the night. Each time, she told me she hoped he would change, realise how great she was, leave his wife,… But each time, she got disappointed. One day, she decided to understand what was going wrong with her, and went to see a therapist. After months and months of therapy, she realised she needed to change her approach with me. But also, learned to respect herself. And she stopped seeing married or unavailable men.
Some of us do have an epiphany when they take the wrong way several times. Others need a little more time, or some external help. But we can’t repeat the same mistake forever. Can we?