broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The same mistake

Is it possible to repeat the same mistake over and over again in our relationships? Among my friends, one of them is just repeating a pattern with his new relationship. He’s been with his new lady for two years, but they still  live separately from each other. And have no plans to move together. My friend was previously married for twelve years with a woman who cheated on him and got pregnant from her lover. She hid this detail to my friend, and made him believe he was the father, until the real one came to claim his paternity two years later. Their marriage was a bit weird, because they live separately during the week, and only shared their weekends together.  Generally, those weekends were filled with a lot of family reunions, friends reunions, … In other words, they hardly managed to spend time alone together. Back then, their situation could have found a solution. He could have asked to move in the city where she was working during the week. She could have asked to work in his city. But neither of them wanted to change a thing. Even when their “daughter” came into their lives, they didn’t change their distant relationship.

His new relationship is following the same path. Her new love lives in another town. She pays him a visit during the weekends, but hardly sees him during the week. My friend is working everyday very late, so she wouldn’t get much time seeing him during the week. I asked him why she couldn’t move in with him. Even if he’s working a lot, she would get a better chance to catch him. But he replied that he’s fine with this. “I’m afraid it could kill our love. If I see her on a daily basis, I’m afraid this could ruin everything” he said. Yet, he’s behaving exactly like in his previous relationship. And chances are his new one will go belly up if she doesn’t share his vision of love and wants to move in with him.

Another friend of mine admitted she kept on repeating the same mistake in her relationships. She dated only guys who weren’t available for her. She collected married men.  She had also this guy who would only see her on thursdays, after 10 pm, but couldn’t spend the night. Each time, she told me she hoped he would change, realise how great she was, leave his wife,… But each time, she got disappointed. One day, she decided to understand what was going wrong with her, and went to see a therapist. After months and months of therapy, she realised she needed to change her approach with me. But also, learned to respect herself. And she stopped seeing married or unavailable men.

Some of us do have an epiphany when they take the wrong way several times. Others need a little more time, or some external help. But we can’t repeat the same mistake forever. Can we?


2 thoughts on “The same mistake

  1. Digichic says:

    I’ve been struggling with myself for years! You’d think by now I would have learned that the mistakes I keep repeating are only hurting my family, my friends, and myself. And yet…

    I’m 38 years old, raised by a single mother who didn’t know the first thing about raising children to become strong, emotionally healthy, or socially capable of functioning in life….without heartache, confusion, grief, regret, etc… I don’t blame my mother…this is a family trait passed down from generation to generation in my family….and for the whole of my life I’ve never quite had a strong sense of who I am, what my purpose is in this life, and where I belong in the world.

    That said, I believe that until we understand who we are, what motivates our hearts, how our emotions reflect either what was missing in childhool or what was inflicted upon us by others; until we are strong enough and courageous enough to get down deep inside our hearts, face the demons of our past, forgive those who have hurt us, and develop skills we can use in our personal lives, even with strangers, to avoid the same mistakes over and over again….to face the real reason we keep returning to repetative behaviors and making those ugly mistakes over and over again.

    Personally, I struggle terribly with insecurity, am terrified of failure and rejection, and have yet to overcome behaviors, attitudes, and actions I know hurt my husband, my girls, my friends, and myself. I want desperately to overcome the need for approval and success, and yet when I feel my husband is distancing himself from me or rejecting me in any way, I turn to friends whom my husband has for years requested I no longer communicate with. When I’m confident in my husband’s love and devotion to me, I have no desire or need to talk to anyone but my husband, sharing the secrets of my heart and soul with him, but then,….as before…and the time before that…and before that….as soon as my security is threatened I run right to the very friend who I know accepts me, comforts my fears, encourages me, points out my self worth, etc….and sadly, after 18 years of marriage, my husband has given up….no longer wants to fight for us….is done with me and my emotional immaturity and insecurities. And his true rejection and lack of love or compassion toward me has actually opened my eyes to my destructive behaviors…..and yet….it’s too late….I broke his heart by having this stupid emotional affair and up until now…just yesterday…I never understood his pain, the deception he felt, or just how deep the wounds of my actions and choices were going….so deep I cut out his heart and abandoned his love and committment all for the sake of appeasing my own self.

  2. Hi Digichic, your story is heartbreaking. We all do mistakes, this makes us human. Learning can be difficult. Sometimes, obstacles are just too big to find the key to our pains. You shouldn’t blame yourself for that. Thanks for stopping by.

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