broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

It’s not me, it’s you

Recently, one of my former co-workers gave birth to her first child. She’s 41, and chose to have a baby on her own. Before she left our newsroom, she told us she was tired of waiting for the prince charming who will never come and would rather get artificially inseminated. She obviously didn’t choose the same options as one of my acquaintances, who went to a holiday resort for singles, and slept as much as she can with different men to have the chance to get pregnant. We were discussing with my co-workers about our old colleague, and one of them wondered how come such a beautiful woman like her has never found the one. “It must be her character, she’s such difficult and hard to handle. She’s not the one you can easily say to do this and that” my colleague said. “It’s just that she had relationships either very difficult, that ended really badly, or relationships that bored her after some time” another one said.

Personally, I always wonder if it’s a bad luck or something in us that causes us to stay single. I was reading a female magazine where it said that it was because of us, not a question of bad luck. Some people expect too much for a relationship and get disappointed all of the time, some people just yield to every opportunity they get but only collect disastrous relationship, and other simply refuse to lower their long list of requirements and stay therefore single. There’s another category who is disgusted by so many failures. And I think that my former colleague falls into that last category. But the game of love can sure be exhausting and you can easily get fooled and badly damaged. I can understand she wants to preserve herself from too much heartache. However, if she continues to think that way, for sure, she will never find love again.

Is there a way to stop this infernal cycle of collecting disastrous relationships? Probably. One of my friends has collected bad relationships so far because she has never refused any opportunity she could have. We have told her numerous times to respect herself more and leave whenever her partner doesn’t treat her like he should. But each time, it’s the same. She falls easily for the guy who told her straight away he doesn’t want to commit or have a stable relationship. She could have spared herself the pain of waiting and getting rejected if she just turned her back immediately on the guy. Her problem is simple: she doesn’t love herself enough. We all believe that when she would learn to love herself more, she wouldn’t even consider dating the men she usually falls for. She has never tried this, maybe she should.

As for my ex-coworker, I don’t know if solving her self-confidence would be the key. When we were together, she used to turn down every PR or CEO who didn’t treat her with respect. She was very persuasive, and very outspoken. Maybe her problem was, like most of women, she was waiting for a prince charming. Unfortunately, he doesn’t exist. I can understand how she can be disappointed in men in general. High expectations are rarely matched. Hence, the disappointement.   Or maybe she had really a bad luck with the opposite sex.

So, do you think love is for lucky people?


4 thoughts on “It’s not me, it’s you

  1. happyhypothesis says:

    I’ve questioned the same thing myself. But the pattern of attracting the same type of men indicates that possibly we only invite those we think we’re worthy of – deep down inside. And… reality reaffirms the beliefs, only making the pattern stronger. It’s hard to step back, let go, and consciously start over – inside out.

  2. Ellis I. Lee says:

    as thomas jefferson once said: “i’m a great believer in luck, and i find the harder i work the more i have of it.” i think the same thing can be said of love. love requires a lot of hard work and effort.

    people might meet under very lucky circumstances, but even in those situations it takes effort to make sure that the love in a relationship continues to bloom.

    when a relationship works really well, it seems almost effortless and magical to everyone else. and i think that creates a problem for some of my friends because they never see all the effort—and all of the heartaches—that goes into those relationships.

    so they assume that love and relationships and marriage ought to be easy because “love conquers all.” but then they experience difficulties and don’t know how to cope with them because they have this image in their minds that a good, loving relationship ought to be simple and easy.

    it’s not.

    everyday you have to find yet another reason to love your partner even more. everyday you have to become something more special for your partner to love even more. everyday you have to nurture the relationship you have or else it will simply wither away.

  3. Hi happyhypothesis, such a pattern can be broken. The key is to have a better understanding on how we work, and who we are. It’s a really daunting task to do so. But it can really be helpful to break the circle.
    Ken Kendall, I’m convinced prince charmings don’t exist. But great, great men do. You can’t imagine how this image of prince charming has disappointed many, many women.
    Ellis, love is fragile, and we should never take it for granted. If we do find love, it’s important to keep the flame alive. And it’s really a hard work. You’re right.

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