One of the things I learnt from my friends is that it’s important to never keep things for yourself whenever you’re in a conflict. Sooner or later, the frustration you have from an argument that is not resolved will resurface. But sometimes, words don’t come easily, and anger can overcome the rest of our emotions. Letting things unresolved can really destroy the bond you have with someone, and this is how you can turn into enemies just like that. It’s childish. But some people still work like that.
When you get mad against someone, especially if it’s someone you love, you have two options: either to let it slide, and brood over your feelings, or express what you feel. In this case, letting your anger come out can be soothing on the moment, but afterward, it’s important to explain why you were angry, and what you want.
Recently, one of my friends told me she was constantly battling with her man over her job. He’s mad at her because she works late. And she’s angry at him for being such a douche when she comes home late. I know she loves her job, and doesn’t want to slow down. I asked her if she told her man she loves her job, and also what she wanted from him. Obviously, she didn’t want him to act like a douche with her, but she replied she didn’t know exactly what she wanted, except maybe just a little of understanding and support for what she’s doing. I told her to tell that to her man. If he loves her, he will try to change his behavior. Or at least find a compromise. The key is to make a demand.
In her case, it was pretty easy. But what if the situation is more delicate? Another friend of mine is desperately in love with one of her friends, who’s married, but she never had the guts to tell him about her feelings. I told her she would never know if the feeling’s mutual or not if she doesn’t do anything about it. But she has the secret hope he would make the first move, so she could avoid being such a fool if he’s not interested at all. She also fears she would lose him if she reveals her feelings. So, she hasn’t tried anything with him. “It’s hopeless” she said. “And he also made it clear he liked me like a friend“ she added. But I told her that ignoring her feelings can be really difficult, and if she wants to forget about him, she’d better take her distance. She can’t pretend being her friend and not being honest with him. So, I advice her to make her move. But I admit it’s difficult not to act like a coward here.
When things aren’t clear at all from the beginning, maybe it’s worth to set things straight. In the case of my friend, her object of affection made it clear he wanted her as a friend. But sometimes, it’s not the case.”He never told me he wanted me as a friend. Our relationship remained platonic but it was ambiguous all of the time. And I secretly hoped that what he did for me was more than friendship. I got frustrated all of the time because things didn’t turn the way I wanted” I., 34, said. “And then, one day, we had a huge fight, and I asked him what the hell he wanted from me. And this is how we started to have a normal relationship” she added.
There are people who don’t know what they want, or want to keep all options. But if you know what you want, it’s important to ask for it.
So, do you think every problem has its solution?