broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, thoughts, women

Such a shame

When I was in highschool, one of my classmates was often picked up after school by his dad. His father was an undertaker, and used to fetch his son with his hearse. Of course, everyone at school made fun of him because of that. And I thought it was such a humiliation for him, because he had no choice and it wasn’t his fault at all. Life can be cruel.

In love too, we can endure some painful humiliations. If we believe Ian Harpeling, the journalist who wrote the controversial book about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston had it too. She had two miscarriages, and was left for Angelina Jolie who not only gave birth to three children, but also spread false rumors about her, saying Brad left her because she didn’t want kids. Plus, I can only imagine how painful it must be for her to see her ex parading with his children in magazines. And God knows how many pictures of them there are today. Like my former classmate, I can only think that it wasn’t Jennifer’s fault, and that she had no choice.

Humiliation is horrible. It takes years to forget about it, and sometimes, we also need professional help to get over it. I know my former classmate had to see a therapist. He had zero confidence in himself when he was young, because of his father.

I met once a woman who told me her worst humiliation was her wedding. The D-Day, she was walking down the aisle, but she didn’t see her future husband waiting for her. Everyone was looking for him, but he just vanished. She stayed in front of everyone for a moment, seeing all of the sorry eyes pointing at her, and couldn’t help crying. Her ex didn’t even bother to call her the days after. But she knew he wasn’t dead. One of her friends saw him hanging around with his mates three days later in a bar. She told me the worst thing was he completely ignored her, denying her any form of respect. “I felt like a piece of trash you just get rid of. Nothing is more humiliating. I would have accepted he told me he couldn’t marry me, rather than letting me down like that” she said.  She told me she had a hard time trusting people after this, but also felt she wasn’t worth it at all. This completely ruined her self-esteem. It took her years to get over it.

A break up is a painful experience in itself. If you add to that humiliation, it can really destroy you. Usually, years later, whenever you endure a painful experience, you can live again your past humiliation. When you feel fingers pointing at you, it’s just a reminder of a situation you’ve already experienced. The only way to get out of this cycle is to recognize your problem, hear the voice inside of you that tells you everything’s gonna be all right, and forgive. It’s the only way to move on. It can be difficult doing this on your own. Remember friends, family, therapists, are all there to help you, if you ask for their help.

So, what do you consider as humiliation?

life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Not like your dad

Every girl wants to marry her daddy when she’s little. It’s called the Oedipus syndrome. Passed a certain age (8), no little girl wants to do so. Because a) they have understood they could never have him b) boys are much more interesting.  Yet, years later, some of us get hooked with a guy who’s by pure coincidence our father’s replica. For example, one of my friends married an MD, and her dad was an MD. But she swears the comparison with her dad ends there. “They have opposite characters. It’s like day and night” she said.

According to psychiatrists, we always pick our partner according to our father, in a positive, or negative way. In my friend’s case, her husband is just the opposite charachter of her father, in other words, the negative image of her father.

I met once a woman who told me she realized she was repeating the same mistake than her mother with her father. “He was constantly bringing her down, criticizing everything she does in front of me. But he always told her how much he loved her. I swore I wouldn’t pick a partner like my father, but I fell in love with a guy who treated me the same way my father treated my mother. I didn’t realize it at first. I was so in love. But slowly, as passion faded, I could see he wasn’t different at all from my father” K., 34, said. She left him, and has tried ever since to react each time one of her loves shows to her little respect.

By searching our father through another man, we also take the risk to make this relationship unbearable for the one we pick. Psychologically, it’s hard to tell yourself you’re in competition with someone else. Someone you will never be. But some couples work on this principle. There are couple where the guy looks for his mother in every partner he chooses, and where the woman looks for her father in every man she chooses. It’s a comforting situation. But yet, I don’t know if it’s sustainable.

A friend told me that she doesn’t agree. She said people can adapt quickly to every role they’ve been asked. After all, she said, in this society, we keep on fulfilling the roles this society asks for. She doesn’t think we act differently with the one we love.

Yet, there’s a line between playing a role, and pretending to be someone else. It’s called lying.

Besides, we can fall in love with someone who share  the same  principal qualities we find in our father. “My father was someone who had strong principles, who had a huge heart and very giving. This is what I look in a man. I don’t see why it would be a problem”L.,40, said. “I fell in love with P. because I know I can count on him in every situation, just like I can count on my dad, who was always there for me  when I needed him. P. just took his role. Just like my dad, he takes a good care of his kids. He’s the rock of our couple, just like my dad was in my family. I know that when I have a problem, I can always share it with him, and he would help me to find the solution, just like my dad”M.,46, said.

And we, women, we have also the same tendencies to react exactly like our mother would do. How many times  haven’t I  heard my female friends saying they sounded exactly like their mom, especially when it comes to bring up their children? Maybe we validate our choice of partners because our mother would have picked them too.

So, do you look for your father/mother in your relationship(s)?