celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

In between days

Recently, as I was waiting in the queue for  paying my stuffs, there was a lady just before me who carried a pile of pajamas and other home interior clothes. Those weren’t exactly the same kind that Calista Flockhart wore in Ally McBeal, for those of you who recalled. Later, when I told this to one of my friends, I realized that this woman was trying to change something in her relationship. My friend explained that her husband complained a lot about the fact she would rush into her pajamas as soon as she came back home after work. So, she invested in some clothes she would only wear at home, a little bit more sexy. Hence, the sexy pajamas, as she calls it. Another friend of mine said she doesn’t completely change her clothes when she gets back home, but prefers to borrow her man’s knits to stay warm. And  to smell his odor permanently.

For some people, changing clothes when they get home is a way to make a break from their stressful life at work. It’s also the occasion to get back to their real me, and let down the mask we often use at the office. For some people, it’s also a practical question. When you spend all of the day in your tuxedo, you don’t necessarily want to hang around in your house in it. Especially during the week-ends and the holidays. But it’s not a reason to hang around in your dirty pajamas/ worn out jogging pants, especially in front of your man. The same goes for your man. For sure, if you want to kill your couple, it’s a great way to do so. Psychologists say it’s important to be in a permanent seduction  mode in your couple. This simply means you can’t let it go freely in front of the love of your life.

But that doesn’t mean you have to dress over the top all of the time either. “I find her incredibly sexy when she’s wearing a loose t-shirt, a cardigan, and a pair of jeans, with her hair tied up and no make up. She looks much more peaceful when she’s dressed like that than when she’s wearing a suit for her job” H., 35, said. “My ex used to wear a pair of jeans and a simple shirt at home, and there was nothing more sexy on him than that” I., 36, said.

Of course,  if there are other problems in your couple, what you wear won’t have any importance. But if there’s no problem, it’s not worth creating one by letting yourself go, and then wondering why he/she doesn’t like you like when you first met.

So, what do you wear when you’re at home?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, women

Turn off the bright light

When I was a student, I had once to pick some documents at one of my classmates’s apartment, and when I entered the room, I remembered all the candlelights laying everywhere. I asked her why she had so many candlelights, and she replied that once lit, those created an erotic atmosphere. “I can’t have sex with the lights on. This is an alternative where I can let go without stressing about how I look during the act” she said. Years later,  when I had once a chat with all of my friends, some of them admitted they also like candlelights or dimelight for making love. “It’s a trigger for sex. When the candlelights burn, I know I’m in the mood for sex” one of them said. “This is a compromise I found with my ex. He was tired of doing it in the dark, while I hated doing it with the lights on. So, once, we gave it a try with a different atmosphere. I bought some candlelights, and I was instantly feeling better about this. You’re not completely in the dark, nor in the light. And it creates shades, leaves you to imagine things. It’s stimulating. I like this. I don’t want to have sex in a different way now” another one said.

It’s true that most women hate to have sex in the light. While it’s also true that men want to do so like that. We do because we don’t have the same perception about the act of sex. Most women can’t let it go when they have sex in the light because they focus on their physical flaws. “I’m not perfect. I’m convinced he would notice how fat is my tummy, flat is my butt, … during the act. So, I prefer to have sex in the dark. Otherwise, I can’t concentrate on anything else than my flaws, and I would have a hard time to come”R., 34, said. But not all women are the same. “I need to see my lover during the act. I need to see his desire for me. This turns me on”H.,35, said.

Men, on the other hand,  often see sex as a perfomance. So, they need light to see what they’re doing, and how their partner react.

But those dynamics can change with time, when both partners trust each other or know each other very well. It’s how you decide to do it that matters, then.

So, do you like to do it in the dark, or in the light?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

Smooth operator

In my office, two of my coworkers fell in love with the two biggest players.  One got divorced after five years of tempestous up and downs. The other is still living with him, and has managed to tame him a little bit. They have moved together, and have three children together. Yet, with us (he’s my boss), he’s still playing it vain. You can’t talk with him without having him telling you his extraordinary experiences, and we all wonder if this is true. I call him Mr. Inflation,  because everything he does/thinks is inflated. A bit like his ego. With him, a minor incident can become a huge one just like that. He can put drama in everything. It’s tiring….

When they first dated, it was a bit weird. They tried to hide their relationship from everyone in the office. I can understand that, though. Gossips start just like that in my office. If two people spend a lot of time together, then they’re probably having an affair… In the case of my coworkers, they hid their relationship for four years, until they admitted they were living together (but everyone already knew about it…). One of my friends knows him very well, and she said she had seen him flirting around several times in the beginning of their relationship. She really doubts he was faithful. But my coworker didn’t seem to bother. Perhaps he told her he was just friendly with women… God knows.  But I suspect him to have told her BS all of the time. After all, when you’re a professional liar, why would you tell the truth? Things changed when his father died. All of a sudden, she became pregnant, and he cut heavily the hard partying.

The other couple didn’t end up that well. The guy was also one of the directors of our company, and had a big ego. He was also a professional liar. He wasn’t faithful at all to her, and when she got pregnant, he accused her of cheating on him, which wasn’t the case. He had a problem with alcohol, and was really mean when he was drunk. She finally left him while she was pregnant of their second child.

Most of us wondered why she fell in love with him. He’s the douchiest of the douches on this planet, and was really a tyrannic boss. He harassed many of my former coworkers who decided to quit their job because they had enough of him.  But he had also a way to talk to women. I guess this is how he caught her.

Some people get easily fooled when people always tell them what they want to hear. With experience, you learn that when it’s too good to be true, then it isn’t true. But it is hurtful to get fooled like that. When you want to be in a relationship, and find someone who promises you thick and thin, it’s hard not to believe those promises. With a real player, you know that he won’t keep his promises. It should be a good sign for you to leave as soon as you can. If he keeps his promises, on the other hand, then, maybe he just wants to blow your mind. But this is sweet.  Then, you can also find a man who doesn’t keep his promises, but yet, shows you proofs of love in a very unconventional way. One of my friends is dating such a guy, and she had to admit it was really hard at the beginning to trust him. “He would promise me to go to the South of France, to meet a key person for my job, to give me a book he really liked,… But he never kept his promises. Yet, he’s always there where I need him, without even asking him to do that. I just told him not to make promises he couldn’t keep. I know he tries hard not to do so right now. I find this really touching. I had to talk about him a lot about this aspect. And I guess if you don’t bother to tell what’s annoying in your partner to you, then you shouldn’t expect him to change just like that. It’s a question of communication”she said.

Maybe this is how my coworker managed to tame her player too. Relationships are not that obvious.

So, what do you do to prove to the one you love you really love him/her?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The one and only

Recently, I had a strange conversation with one of my professional acquaintances. Instead of asking me how I was, he asked for my opinion on his successor at the helm of his previous company. He left because he had enough of the mad organization there, but only stayed during two years. I replied his successor was doing the best he could, in an environment of unfair competition. My intuition told me not to add more, and to switch to another subject. I just asked him how he was to change the topic. And he replied he was soooo happy in his new company, blabla. When he hung up, I thought to myself: gosh, is it jealousy, or what?

The thing is his successor is doing a fair job with his company. He has been working there for twenty years, and knows everything about the business. My acquaintance came from a whole different background, and his beginning was… clumsy. During the two years he spent there, he took a lot of drastic measures to diversify the revenues of the company. Those were necessary. But some of those were a bit weird. The new boss takes more logical decisions. And listens to every advice coming from his sector. My acquaintance once told me these were BS.

I guess everyone made the comparison between the two. And has come to the same conclusion than me: even if the company is severely wounded because of competition, it is in better hand with the new CEO. Knowing him, he’s probably too concentrated and busy on his job to think about it and brag about it. On the other hand, my acquaintance can’t stand this comparison. He already had a hard time standing the numerous critics he encountered when he left.

Ego, ego… Unfortunately, in love too, those comparison can happen. One of my friends dated for three years a woman we all hated. And when he eventually left her, we all told him how happy we were for him, and that he deserved better. Six months later, he found another woman, much nicer than his ex. When she learned about it, his ex wasn’t pleased at all. Everyone told my friend how cute was his couple with his new lady. When he was with his ex, nobody made that remark. She was jealous, and started to spread false rumors about my friend’s date. This provoked a lot of tensions in his couple. Until he decided to confront his ex and tell her to move on with her life. He didn’t shout at her, but apologized for the breakup and told her she deserved better than him.  This probably calmed her down, because tensions eased suddenly after that.

Breakups are a delicate period. It can be highly traumatic for the one who gets dumped. And if the other treats you like shit, for sure, it’s not good at all for your ego. Bashing the new conquest of your ex can be therapeutic for some time. It can help you to move on. But if you’re still bashing her/him after ten years, maybe there’s a problem.

Besides, it’s not very delicate of your ex if he/she starts to shout out loud how better he/she is with his/her new conquest.  Especially if you waisted spent a few years with him/her. But it depends on who left who, and how. If he/she dumped you like trash, I think it is legitimate to bash this douche. If you were the one who left, and not in the nicest manner, you should expect to be treated like that. It’s only fair. Yet, we all know we should move on with our live. We shouldn’t spend too much time for someone who obviously didn’t deserve us.

So, do you think it’s important to keep good contact with your ex?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Getting hitched

In her new book, Elizabeth Gilbert explores the pros and cons of marriage. And as she points out in her book, married men find in marriage a lot of benefits, while it’s not necessarily the case for married women. In sociology, this is called the marriage benefit imbalance. The author gives the example of her grandmother, who made her fortune when she was young and single, but had to leave her life behind her when she got married to raise her children and run the house. And her fortune was quickly depleted by the numerous expenses of the farm.

This happened many years ago, and nowadays, women don’t quit their job anymore to raise their children. Yet, when you see the statistics for working women compared to their male counterparts, there is something alarming too. For the same job and qualifications, a woman is still underpaid compared to  a man. She’s also likely to be less productive when she gets pregnant, because she will ask for time off to raise the kids. And she’s likely to refuse promotion just because it requires to work more hours.

When women get married, most of the time, it’s because they are in love. And it is commonly agreed that when you get married, it’s for establishing kinship for purpose of defense. It’s the foundation for raising your children. In my country, this is becoming an exception since people don’t wait to get married for having kids. But then, it becomes a problem when divorce gets in the way, because the woman can’t ask for spousal support like she could if she was married.

Yet, there are women who find their fortune into marriage. The most obvious example is the likes of Anna-Nicole Smith, who marry very old but very rich dudes to inherit their fortune. There’s also those who win the lottery when they divorce, because they managed to get an astronomical spousal support (see the divorce section in the Wall Street/City columns). But there are also those who find their fortune on their own. This is the case of one of my friends, who becomes a famous photographer five years after she got married. Unfortunately for her, her marriage didn’t bear her success, and she got divorced two years ago. Luckily for her, she married under the separation of goods, so her ex couldn’t pretend to have a dime from her newly found glory. On a less tragic note, my aunt also made her fortune after she got married. Her employee gave her the opportunity to finance her college studies,  while allowing her to take time for studying. My uncle helped her running the house while she was busy with her studies.  My cousin was just six when she started this. Thanks to her diploma, she could reach a better job.

So, if we go back to the ancient definition of marriage, my aunt’s example would be a great one for illustrating how a marriage offers you safety in numbers.  Of course, my aunt could have done her studies if she was single too.  But I guess having the support of your husband and son in this battle is also worth the fight.

In the end, I believe that fortune and marriage aren’t incompatible. It just depends on how you want to make your marriage work. This also applies for those who aren’t married, just in a relationship.

So, do you believe in marriage?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

Good riddance

As we walked into the new year, one of my friends said it was time to evaluate those who will stay with her among her friends and acquaintances, and those who won’t. And she added that the best way to do so, was to consider what the other brings her, or not. I realised she wasn’t the only one to think that way. The first lunches I had this year with other friends and coworkers all boil down to this new beginning. Because let’s be honest, when we try to sort a little bit our life, it’s a sign we want to take a new start, or a new direction in our life.

But sometimes, it is hard to get rid of the people who bring you nothing but trouble. Because we always find a good excuse not to do so. There is a little bit of manipulation sometimes. Sometimes, it’s just us who can’t let it go.

In the first example, if we find it difficult to take a different path than the one who’s poisoning us.“I had a really hard time telling to my ex I wanted to call it quits. He disappointed me all of the time by promising me everything, but never kept his words.  I told him numerous times I was fed up with all his promises, but he kept on apologizing and promising me even more. I felt guilty, spoiled afterwards. And forgave him. Eventually, he left me for another woman” T., 34, said. It’s easy to get fooled like this, though. Most of the time, we all want to hear what we want to hear. Look at politicians. Why do you think we elect them? And of course, we are disappointed afterwards when they get elected. Because they can’t fulfill all their promises. And even if they want to do so, they face opposition, political or not. If they want to get reelected, they can’t take dramatic measures. For instance, if they want to reduce their country debt, they would have to raise the taxes. But taxes are unpopular. So, politicians try everything to avoid this. But they only make it worse for the next generation. In my country, we’re still paying the price today of a huge debt collected in the 70s.

But if someone is all talks, no action, it should be a warning signal for you. A person who really cares about you shows it, and doesn’t need words necessarily to do so. An example? “my beloved purse was broken, but I couldn’t repair it because I didn’t have anytime. It just let me down one day, and I was very sad about that. I threw it in the garbage. But two weeks later, my purse was standing in my sofa. My man  took it to a leatherman who fix it without any problem”O.,35, said.

For the second problem, it’s the case of codependence. It’s giving to someone something he/she didn’t ask for and who is unable to respond to it. Here, exterior help can be really precious to realise you have no future in this relationship.

Taking a new start in your life sometimes asks for help. So, don’t hesitate to talk to your friends about it. Or seek professional help.

So, did you make resolutions for the new year?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Irreplaceable (everything you own in a box to the left)

Recently, I had a lunch with one of my coworkers, who told me she didn’t know what to do with her boyfriend. They’ve been together for five years, and the last two years, he left our country because he was offered a job in Qatar. My colleague didn’t follow him, because she didn’t find any decent job for her there, and she didn’t want to spend her days waiting for him to come back from work alone in their house. Her man is now considering an MBA, and wants to leave Qatar for New York where he would do his studies. That would mean my colleague would have to support him financially during two years. And she’s not keen to leave our country to go to the US, because she doesn’t know if she could work as a journalist there. I asked her if her man wouldn’t consider going back home, but she said no. And I also asked her if she was happy in her couple. She replied negatively.

She did try to talk about this with him, but in the end, it’s always him who has the last word. He told her that if she wanted to leave, she would have a hard time finding someone else, because she was old (she’s 28!). She’s beautiful, with amazing blue eyes. I really doubt she would have a hard time finding someone else. Someone who would treat her better than her man, who’s the douchiest of the douches.  And he makes it difficult for her to leave by culpabilizing  her. That’s nasty and emotionnally abusive.

Some people hesitate to leave their partner/lover if it isn’t working. My coworker hesitates. But sooner or later, her situation would become unbearable and she won’t have the choice anymore. If we hesitate, most of the time, it’s because we don’t know if we ever find true love again. In the case of my coworker, it’s because she’s manipulated by her man. Luckily for her, she’s not living with him. But I can only imagine how things can turn wrong if she does so.

But what is worst? Staying with someone who’s abusing you or being alone? Loneliness has some advantages, and it doesn’t leave you with mental issues like a bad relationship. I do believe that love happens, at any age. Recently, one of my mom’s friends, who’s 56, presented her her man. Her new man. Since I know her, she has always stayed single. But now, things have changed. Her man is a widow, and he follows her everywhere. She has never looked so happy. And she’s 56.

My cousin, who’s 35, is about to get married for the third time. She had the courage to leave her exs before it would destroy her completely. And I’ve never seen her so radiant since she met her new man.

No one is irreplaceable. And if someone is telling you so, then, it’s not the right person.

So, do you know when it’s time to leave behind a bad relationship?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The last seduction

When I was in Honolulu, my cousin invited us to a hula performance on a boat. At the end of the show, waiters and waitresses invited us to dance with them. Among the passengers, there was this girl who obviously had a crush on one of the waiters. And she took the opportunity of the dancefloor to seduce him. She was dressed in a glittered mini-dress, and didn’t hesitate to move her hips. He was dancing not far behind her, and whispered something in her ears at one point.. I didn’t see him asking her phone number, though. And when we left the boat, he was standing far away from her. 

Very oddly, another waiter was constantly running around my cousin and I during the whole evening. He tried to make me laugh, but I turned him down really quickly. Speaking French and not pretending to know any English can be helpful, sometimes. It made my cousin laughed. At the  end of the evening, he just shrugged his shoulder when we said goodbye. I know, I ‘m cruel. But that’s the way it is.

I guess there are do’s and don’ts when it comes to seduction, and that you could never try too hard.

Among the don’ts, there is mothering. Of course, some men will appreciate this. But it doesn’t work all of the time. Before arriving in Hawaii, I stopped in San Francisco. When I waited for my aunt to pick me at the airport, there was a guy standing next to me, dressed as a Cure wannabe. He waited for his ride too. His came just when my aunt arrived. And it was his girlfriend. At least, I guessed so. She looked absolutely thrilled to see him again. He didn’t seem as happy to see her, though. When he jumped into his car, there was a pizza waiting for him. He immediately started to tuck into it, while she was speaking to him. My aunt looked at them, appalled. She added that this was a curious path to win his heart.

There is also mating. I remember once when I was in London this woman who obviously had a crush on the barman, but she treated him as a mate, not as if she wanted to seduce him. She kept on talking to him, but unfortunately for her, the barman wasn’t interested at all, because he kept on looking at another woman in the opposite side of the bar.

Personal hygiene, behaviours can also betray you.

How do we know we scored or not? Well, if he doesn’t call you, there’s a good chance he’s not interested. And if he calls you to ask if you have a single friend, a car, a washing machine,… this isn’t good either.

So, what’s your tactic to seduce someone?