celibacy, life, love, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

In the realm of the senses

 

How  far can we go when we are in love? For some people, there’s no limit. And if you fall in love with the wrong person, you can end up doing things really nasty that can lead you into trouble. The key here is to know your limits. And stick to it, even if you know that it will be a deal breaker for your significant other. This will avoid you to get hurt, physically and mentally speaking. Unfortunately, we can be influenced by the one we love. It can be really subtle. Sometimes, we only realize we were manipulated from the start long after it started.

When sex comes into the equation, I’ve noticed that this is how we can be reduced to a simple sexual object if we don’t watch out. Some people are just too numb to realize this that they just sign  a tacit agreement with their lover. Recently, we were discussing with my friends about a common acquaintance who has a very wild sex life, but isn’t the one initiating everything. Her lover just wants that, and she says yes all of the time. Because she’s afraid of losing him. When she describes her sex life, we’re often horrified by what she says. Her man is a nightmare for every feminist. He’s bully, very directive, loses easily his temper and manipulative. But she doesn’t see it that way. For her, her man is just opening her to her sexuality. She’s amazed she can do that.

The problem is we all know she’s easily influenced. When we were kids, she was always following the others’ advice, even if it was the stupidest one. That hasn’t changed that much now that she’s an adult. We have all warned her she should be more critic. We all told her what he wants from her is very very limit, and constantly flirts with illegality. Because he pushes her to sleep with other men, in the most weirdest public places, so he can watch them. There’s just one step separating her from what is called prostitution.  I don’t think she’s that naive, though. Maybe she actually finds her happiness in all of this. But at what price? And can we call this love?

So, would you accept to lose yourself for the sake of love?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

Bad

In every couple, there are times when you just mock each other just for fun. This can be used after a fight to cool down the tension, but not only. Most of the people I know also admit they like to mock the one they like/love. It’s a way to show them how much they care about them. But unfortunately, there’s a thin line between gently mocking and humiliating the one you love. For example, when you make fun of his/her inability to do something, this can be cruel, and childish. For example, if you can’t cook, would you appreciate if the one you love mocks you on this? I’m not sure. This is a real landmine.

Some people also use this laughing arm to disguise their criticisms. For example, all the bad jokes men make on women, and those women make on men too. Of course, those jokes, if they remain between men or women, don’t hurt, they just make laugh. But if you say this to a man, when you’re a woman, then it’s not funny anymore. Once, I was invited to launch with some guys, and they were impressed by my appetite and my choice among the menu. They joked they thought I would take the salad and eat nothing. And the conversation remained mainly around that during a long moment. You can imagine that I didn’t appreciate at all those stupid remarks.

And then, there’s just cruelty. “My ex used to make fun of me all of the time. It became really, really annoying and hurtful. For example, he would hide my keys, and then watch me searching for it without helping me, nodding his head and saying I’m untidy. He would also always mock my butt, saying I was his little chubby little girl. I always thought I was fat because of that. Not to mention that he was also mocking my appetite and saying I shouldn’t eat so much”I., 34, said.

When jokes become diminishing for the people who receive it, and that it becomes constant, it’s not funny anymore. It’s called harassment.

So, do you mock the one you love?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Bad romance

Do we have to suffer when we are in love? Some people think so. Psychologists will tell you the contrary. If a relationship is based on pain and mental anguish, there’s a good chance it’s ill-fated. But we all have to experience this to realize we’re on the wrong way. It’s part of the process of growing up. When you ask people if they have ever been in a tumultuous relationship, most of them will answer yes. But most of them consider this as an experience from the past, and know they won’t get fooled again like that. At least, they hope so. It’s very easy to repeat the same mistake over and over again if we don’t know ourselves that much and if we didn’t learn at all from our past relationships.  Sometimes, it takes years to realize we’re on the wrong way with love. Sometimes, we fall back into that trap after a strong relationship.

C., 40, have only experienced bad relationships so far. The father of her two girls is no exception to the long list of twisted lovers she had. “They were all crazy. But never with the same craziness. One of them has to be hospitalized because he was a schizo. The others were not that crazy, but they were strange. One of them would disappear for two weeks and then came back without saying a word, and it just drove me mad all of the time. There was one who was in a cult and wanted me to join in. There was another one who had nightmares all of the time, and screamed in the middle of the night because of that. Not to mention that during the day, he just looked like a zombie. There was also this guy who was a bit too much paranoid,…” she said. The current one, well, is a bit aggressive, and doesn’t talk to people in general.  People don’t want to talk to him either, because he’s a bit scary.All of her relationships started the same way: on its wheels.

P., 36, had also her lot of bad relationships that started on its wheels too, until she met her husband. “It didn’t started the same way than with my ex’s. He wouldn’t promise me the moon or something like that. He’s just there when I need him. He doesn’t make a fuss about anything, knows how to please me, and confronts me when I don’t agree with him. He’s not a coward. That’s a huge change” she said. “When I met him, I thought it wouldn’t work because he wasn’t that special. But it turns out he was the right one”she added.

L., 40, met also a great guy, but blew it away when she cheated on him with a guy we couldn’t exactly  call a prince charming.”He was a rebel without a cause, but I fell in love with him despite being in a relationship with the most adorable man on earth. I don’t know why I did this. This is so stupid” she said.

One of my friends say it’s important to list the things we expect in a man/woman in advance, and stick to it. Maybe she’s right.

So, have you ever experienced a bad romance?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Cougar town

Before, when a woman dated a younger man than her, it was quite a scandal. People would say she’s ridiculous to do so. Now, this has changed dramatically. With the help of Hollywood, and TV shows like Cougar Town, not to mention the MILF, women can seduce whoever they want, even if the guy is much younger than them. Of course, seeing a 70-year-old lady dating a twenty-something guy has something shocking. But this is something we say too for a man old enough to be your grandpa dating a twenty-something girl. That leaves us equal, isn’t it?

Dating someone much younger than you is now easier than it was before. There are less barriers between the generations. Women don’t feel that old because they’re 50 and over. This is unfortunately a pitiful development in our society: we try to stay young as much as we can. But this is also the consequence of the evolution of women sexuality over time. Distinctions between men and women tend to disappear: we act more and more like men in our professional and social life. So, it’s not surprising anymore to see older women hunting for a younger prey, exactly like a man would do.

Yet, that doesn’t mean all women will do this. I don’t see myself dating a twenty-something guy. Because he would remind me of my cousins, who, at 23 and 24, don’t think that much about anything else than their playstation and football games.  Whether we like it or not, the generation gap is still there. Guys of that age are too pretentious and think they know better than anyone how life is. In my newsroom, the twenty-something men are all like that.

I guess it depends on your personality too. Most women I know still prefer men of a certain age, men they can rely on and they can learn from. Yet, “incidents” can happen. Recently, one of my friends came to visit me because she fell in love with a man five years younger than her, and thought she was committing a huge mistake. She said she always wanted a man older than her, and ended up with him. She didn’t know at first sight he was younger than her. He didn’t know she was older than him. When they learned how old they were, both were a bit shocked. “Normally, he doesn’t date older women” my friend explained. But they are attracted to each other, and get along very well.

We can’t predict who we will fall in love with. Love happens. That’s all. It makes us ridiculous, but it is worth it, isn’t it? So, if we really love each other, the age gap shouldn’t be a real problem.

And for women who date only men much younger than them, well, it’s their problem.

So, here’s the cheesy question of the day: what is the perfect St-Valentine’s Day for you?

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Coming full circle

One of my friends is about to get married to her ex. They first dated 20 years ago, but it didn’t work at that time because he was flirting with other girls. Between them, it was just a teenage fling. They called it quit after one year and started dating other people. He got married seven years later. My friend moved in with her lover the year later. And both became single again three years ago. They met again because they were neighbors. When she left her lover, my friend moved in an apartment down town, and her ex chose the same one without knowing she was there. When they realized they lived in the same building, they decided to become friends. And  got to know each other a little better than when they were teenagers. To their surprise, they got along really well. So, they decided to dust off their old relationship, and give it a try.

When I asked my friend if things would have been different if they didn’t date when they were teens, she replied negatively. “OK, back then, it was just a fling. But we were so young. We wouldn’t have  imagined we would get married one day to each other. At that time, all he wanted to do was to have fun and to experience life. He didn’t want to commit in a relationship. And I didn’t want that too, although we loved each other.  Now, it’s clear for both of us we want to be with each other for the rest of our life” she said.

In the case of my friend, I’m still wondering if this full circle is caused by pure randomness. After all, if they didn’t move in the same apartment, they wouldn’t have got together. But it’s a great thing for them. I went once to a wedding where the bride and groom got together again after a series of ordeals. They fell in love when they were 17, but their family were clearly against their union. He was Jewish, she was catholic. There was no way their family would accept another religion in the family. They had to meet in secret. And their family tried to intercept their communication as much as they can. Once, the future bride didn’t receive any news from him for 4 weeks, and she started to worry sick. She had no choice but to call her future mother in law and ask her when J. was. And she told her it was over, that J. finally understood they would never go anywhere together. The future bride was in shock. She tried to find him, but never managed to do so. She didn’t know J. was sent to see his dying uncle abroad. She didn’t know her mother-in-law told J. she wanted to call it quits. She didn’t know her own mother told J. the same lie. When J. came back, she confronted him. But he simply told her he never wanted to see her again.

Five years later, they bumped into each other by accident in a seminar. Both were married, so when they noticed each other’s ring, they concluded they were in a neutral situation. They were alone in the seminar, and knew nobody else, so they stick to each other during the whole event. At the end of it, J. asked her why she left. And then, she bursted into tears, and asked him why he didn’t want to talk to her, as his mother told him. When they realized they were manipulated by their family, they became pale, and didn’t say a thing. The next day, he called his mother for an explanation, and she called her to have one too. And they admitted the truth.

To their surprise, their spouse understood the situation, and accepted the divorce. They married two years after this meeting, with their ex as maid of honor and best man(…), but without their family. I guess here, their full circle isn’t caused by pure randomness.

I can’t help wondering: when do we know we’re made for each other?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Your number one

When I was in College, there was a girl who always came first in our promotion. And she had an affair with one of our professors, the one who was very elitist with his students. If you weren’t in the top grade of his exam, he wouldn’t talk to you in other ways than in derogaroty terms. The best students were granted his kindness, and he only talked to them during the pauses. Of course, he was very hated. And my classmate was too. She got an A+ for her exam with him. And she was the only student who only got such a grade with him. So, we all concluded that she got her grade thanks to her affair with him. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t wise enough to shut her mouth about it. If no one knew, we would have only concluded she was clever. Period.

Later, when we started our career as journalists, I learned she slept with the chief editor of her media. The guy has the same charachter than my old teacher: elitist, arrogant, and very hard to work with. Few journalists managed to stay in his media, because he’s such a pain in the ass. And also because he didn’t hesitate to fire the journalists not good enough for him. Of course, my ex-classmate is a great journalist. But again, if her affair with her boss was kept secret, no one would have put her professionalism in doubt.

All the journalists I know calls her arrivist. But I think she may have her reasons behind her attitude. When you were trained to be the best in what you do since you were little, chances are you will reproduce this scheme over and over again in the future. My ex-classmate  isn’t the only one in my profession to react like that. When you think about it, this profession is like you were permanently studying at college. The contacts you can have often teach in university. And they treat you like their students. So, we can reproduce this strange bond over and over again. But this quest also shows how insecure we can be. Creating such a bond like my ex-classmate with her boss and her teacher isn’t healthy. It’s only based on a narcissistic recognition, that can break into pieces when someone else takes your place in the heart of your boss/ teacher. In the case of my ex-classmate, I know her parents got divorced when she was 5, and she always tried to be first in class so his dad would be proud of her. It was the only way for her to exist to his eyes, because he moved away in another town to start a new family with his new wife, and wasn’t that much available for my classmate. I guess she’s only repeating the same pattern with her boss, and her ex-teacher. But I can’t help wondering if she’ s happy that way.

So, did you ever fall in love with your teacher/boss? 

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