broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The miracle of life

During one of our drunken nights with my friends, one of them announced she was pregnant. It was a shock to everyone, because she had been dating her man for only three months. “It was an accident” she told us. “But we decided to keep it. He didn’t run away when I came with the pregnacy test positive” she added.

Among the others, we had mixed feelings about this. We knew she didn’t take the pill for long, because she had been single for a long time. And she told us she wasn’t sure he was the one when they got together. One month after, she was still questioning us about him, because she wasn’t convinced about this. And then, came the pregnancy.

Luckily for her, her man stood by her side. We asked her if she was aware she was trapping him.  But she replied that she would have aborted if he was against all this. It was a mutual decision.

One of my male friends got trapped like this. He and his ex-girlfriend were separating, when she pulled out the baby thing. He was already involved in another relationship when this news broke out, and decided not to get back with his ex. He wanted her to abort. But she was against it. And carried her pregnacy until the end.

She hoped he would come back in her life. That’s what she told us. For now, he’s still angry at her for doing this behind his back. So, I don’t think he would ever come back in her life.

I wonder: why do we get pregnant?

For married and legitimate couples, it’s like an achievement. But for those who are not, what does it means?

J., 40, got pregnant because she knew she wanted to be a mother. The father of her child, well, didn’t have any importance. So she slept with random strangers until she reached her goal. She didn’t want to know who was the father. She didn’t want any help from him. She just wanted a baby.

For other women, maybe this has to do with competition. Yep. My friend got pregnant just one month after she learned her sister was pregnant too. And most of her friends around her were pregnant or had already one child. She was feeling a little bit out of the game, out of the group. I guess getting pregnant helped her filling that void.

In the case of my friend’s ex, I don’t know. We wonder how stupid she is to think she could keep him just by having his baby. Things don’t turn that way anymore. At least, in western civilizations.

Y., 41, got pregnant by her lover. Her married lover. She didn’t plan to do so. It was also an accident. But she wanted to keep it. And wanted her lover to take an active part in the education of her child. Much to the spite of his wife.

All our motivations remain mysterious, after all. That’s why it is called the miracle of life.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Erase and rewind

Long after a breakup, we can still feel our ex’s touch. Our body has a memory, and it can register a lot of things from our ex, including the way he/she touched us, kissed us, … When you had a long-term relationship, you don’t brush that off that easy. You can even feel haunted by your ex.

You don’t realize this when it’s over until another man/woman touch you again. And this can be surprising, uncomfortable.

When it was over with N., even though he didn’t touch me for months before we broke up, I didn’t realize how many habits I had with him. I only discovered this when I had another lover. It took me by surprise the first time he touched me. I had a feeling of repulsion. And I had a hard time getting used to him at the beginning” B., 34, said.

When it was over with H., everytime I met a new man and got to know him a little bit better in the bedroom, I couldn’t help thinking about my ex, how he handled me, touched me, kissed me and made me come. It was very disturbing. It took me some times to really forget about him physically. We spent 8 years together. It took me one year to erase his memory” Y., 35, said.

It can be even worse if you were the one who was left behind. Or if you’re still attracted to him/her.

I left him because I had enough of his behavior. Yet, I was addicted to him. And I remained attracted to him long after it was over. Everytime I saw him, even if I was with someone else, I just had to pinch myself not to run to him and kiss him. It was a nightmare. All the men I had during that period were jealous. And they eventually left me because of that. So, I decided to avoid him for some time. And changed town. I finally forgot about him, after a whole year“H.,38, said.

This is the meaning of having him/her under you skin. We can’t change skin, unfortunately. But our old cells end up vanishing. And with a good scrub, we can get rid of a good part of it. It just takes time to get that renew.

And like we can trick our mind, we can trick our body too. It’s just a question of training…

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

On to the next

Can we really jump from one relationship to the other? I was reading a magazine that said it’s the best way to move on and to avoid staying single and becoming a spinster. Yet, I really doubt it’s that easy. And the magazine didn’t say if the women mentioned in the article were dumped or just left for another man.

This makes a huge difference, I think. When you are the one to get dumped, in the most horrible way (dumped for another woman), it’s not that easy to jump into the love wagon straight after the break up. You may not be open to fall in love just after this painful experience.

Some women will try to forget their asshole ex by sleeping with as many men as they can. Others will just find someone to get their ex jealous (yep), while others will swear they are soo over men.

After a bitter divorce, V., 37, decided to stay away from men. She told me she’s better off alone. Her ex was really difficult, and she feared she would reproduce the same mistake with a new man. So far, I’ve never seen her with another man. But I’m not pessimistic for her.

B., 31, multiplied one-night stands and short term relationships after her breakup for a while. She said she didn’t want to get into a new relationship and commit to another man. This was a transition period for her, until she decided she was ready to jump into a relationship. But it took her almost three years to get over her ex.

O., 34, slept with her ex’s worst enemy. She told me she didn’t do this on purpose. The guy just seduced her and she let him come closer. She did admit she knew her ex would be furious to know about this. And that made her happy for a while. But she never found any happiness in her new relationship, because the man was really a true douche. And as a result, she ended up missing her ex and had difficulty forgetting about him.

When you are the one to leave, of course, it’s easy to jump into a new relationship as soon as you can. If you want to. Most women even use another man to quit their actual one. This gives them the courage to leave.

It’s not the same dynamic. When you leave, you feel a little bit empowered. When you’re the one to be left, you can feel miserable. This isn’t exactly the same and doesn’t prepare you the same way to love again.

So, is it easy for you to jump into a new relationship?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

I’ll be watching you

Long after our relationship ended, we can still feel a little bit protective toward our ex. Jealousy is no longer on the menu, and both of us has moved on. Yet, we can’t help watching our ex, to see if she/he’s doing okay just by kindness.

One of my ex’s and I have managed to remain friends throughout the years, even if there’s an ocean separating us. I don’t get news from him very often, and we don’t speak to each other very often. Yet, we never forget each other’s birthday, and if we happen to be in each other’s town, we try to have a lunch together. It’s been going on like that for almost ten years now.

He never interferes into my love life. I never interfere into his either. He just wants to know if I’m doing OK, and is happy for me, like I’m happy for him. And back then, I never thought we could remain friends. We had a rocky relationship, a very rocky one. We separated like a hundred times, and it ended up me leaving for another town, him leaving for another country.

I didn’t hear about him for two years, until september 11, 2001. His office was not very far from the twin towers and he got a little traumatised by this horrible event. When I saw that on TV, I immediately feared for him. I couldn’t explain why. Two days later, he called me. We spent two hours on the phone. And sent each other numerous emails.

Three weeks later, we met again. He came back in our country to see his family. And asked to see me. This is where I understood I felt nothing for him anymore, and that I only wished him the best. This is where our friendship started. There’s nothing ambiguous in this.

We needed an ocean to end our feud. I don’t know if we would have managed to get through this if we were still living in the same town. Plus, time helped us a lot. And we both moved on without seeing each other for months. I guess this  helped too.

So, do you manage to stay friends with your ex?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Squeeze out sparks of light

Among the people we meet, there are some who just leave us indifferent. The same principle goes with dating. Among the dates we can have, some can leave us indifferent too.

Women know when they liked the guy or not mostly based on their intuition. Hence, the “spark”. We often use this term to say if we’re into a guy or not. And it serves as a good indicator for the future of the relationship.

When I was younger, I had an acquaintance who dated a guy “by accident”. They met in a bar, but knew already each other because they had common friends. But she told me she never felt anything for the guy. They just dated for three months like that, until she met someone else.

A friend of mine just told me recently she was feeling any spark with the man she’s currently seeing. She got introduced to him through mutual friends too. So far, they haven’t got the opportunity to spend some time together alone, so I told her to wait and see when their first real date would happen. But she already knows she’s not into the guy. They have been in touch very often on the phone and on the internet, and she finds him a little bit boring.

They’re supposed to meet for a date really soon. I told her she’ll know then if it’s worth to pursue the relationship or not.

It’s not that easy to follow our intuition, though. Our fears can easily interfere in our feelings. My acquaintance admitted she dated him so she couldn’t feel alone. Even if in reality, she did feel alone in her relationship because he didn’t give her what she wanted. As for my friend, I know there is a little bit of inner conflict in her.

As for my part, I just trust my intuition. I’m naturally drawn to guys with big personalities, able to make me laugh and sweep me off my feet. There are not many  of them on this planet.

So, do you follow your intuition?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The heart mender

I read recently this book, the Heart Mender, a very touching story about forgiveness. And I couldn’t help thinking about one of my friends, who lost last year her newborn. Her baby was only three days when she passed away. She knew during her pregnancy that her child had very little chance to live.

We didn’t hear about her for months. She didn’t want to talk to us. She became bitter about life, and told us when we got in touch with her again she hated herself and was a very bad company. We were completely disarmed with her, we didn’t know what to say to her.

Among my very best friends, she was the first to have a child. My experience just sums up with a miscarriage, at an early stage of my pregnancy. My other friends are still single. Things have changed a little since last year. My estranged friend is now pregnant again, and happy about it. Her pregnancy has gone well so far, and she’s about thisclose to deliver the baby boy.

My other friends have seen a change too. One got married, and is pregnant too. Another one is quietly dating a man who could be the one. Another one still hasn’t decided to settle a day for her wedding, but she’s slowly renovating the house she bought with her man two years ago.

As if her painful experience had influenced us. I guess it had. But we’re happy she’s back in our life.

We all have things to forgive. Things important. My friend has to accept and forgive her destiny for her little one who can’t make it. Another of my friends had to forgive her ex for cheating and mentally abusing her, to move on and find love again.

But it’s a difficult path. And we often need an external help. Boris Cyrulnik calls this person the resilience tutor, the one who helps us reconstruct ourself after a painful experience. How do we recognize him/ her? It’s the person who helps us to take a deep look at ourself and pushes us, naturally, to change, to evolve.

I had one. I met him two years ago. Before him, I was moody, shy, and hated myself. I thought I could never make it as a journalist.

But I also needed to see a therapist. I guess I needed two resilience tutors. One to realize who I was, the other to help me growing without him.

Because this man, the one that I fell madly in love with, can’t give me what I need.  And I have to let him go.

One day, I will forgive him. And learn to love myself more.

But it takes time, to forgive, doesn’t it?