celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

At or with me

“For a love to be unforgettable, a series of coincidences must happen immediately” said Milan Kundera in the “unbearable lightness of being”

This is how Tereza and Tomas fall in love. Because of a series of coincidences. I used to think this was pure BS, but I’ve changed my mind. Recently, a friend of mine explained how she knew her husband would be the one when they first met because they had the same thought at the same moment. It wasn’t a common thought. They were looking at one picture, where their eyes caught a blue elephant. Nobody else in the room noticed this detail. Moreover, when they exchanged their thought, they realized it was referring to a story they read when they were kids. Her grandmother, who was a writer, wrote that book. And he got this one because his father worked in the book publisher where it got edited. The book didn’t have that much success, and the publisher went bankrupt three weeks after it got published. So, very few people had the chance to read it. My friend loved that story, but had nobody to share that with. He also loved it, and knew he was the only one. When they talked about this, they were just struck by one thing: they shared a secret.

Love is a mirror. We all looked for someone who shares some common points with us. We share a lot of things with people in general. But we all have special features that makes us a little bit unique. And that only those who share that can understand. And love.

It may sound stupid, but we all do that. I remember one scene in the movie “singles” where Debbie says about the man of her dreams he had to like her earrings that nobody liked. When she finally met the guy at the end of the movie, the first thing he said to her was: “I love your earrings”. She instantly fell in love with him.

When my man and I get to know each other, after hours of talking, he revealed he had a totem when he was in a troop that was exactly the animal I picked in  a stupid game I played when I was in High School. My BFF had this game where I had to choose from various situations, various animals,… And this combination would give me the description of the man of my life.  I remained speechless when he said that. I also changed my licensed plate after my separation with my ex. And the letters and numbers on it just match exactly the birthday and initials of my man. He couldn’t believe this coincidence. Me neither.

Of course, this can be far fetched. But I know couples who are born on the same day. Couples who met while reading the same book, at the same time. Just like if destiny puts them in front of each other. These coincidences don’t necessarily mean he/she’s the right person for you. But it can be a trigger for a relationship. And it shouldn’t be ignored.

So, do you believe in destiny?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Did I disappoint you?

Recently, one of my male friends complained he didn’t understand women at all. He got dumped after two months, and never noticed something wrong about their relationship in between. “It’s like she accumulated the evidences against me without letting me know. She was building a case against me in silence” he said. When he got dumped, she told him why she wouldn’t want to stay with him anymore. And the list was very long. I told him that she wasn’t really into him anyway. After all, if she was in love with him, she would have asked him a lot of questions about his reactions, and tried to change him. That’s what love does. We all ask sacrifice for love. Even little ones.

Love is also blinding at the beginning. We find the other marvelous, addictive and all of the world loses its interest in your eyes, except the one you love. You spend your time thinking about him/her. This is called intrusive thinking. It’s associated with infatuation. But this period lasts a very short time, and the landing can be really hard afterward.  There, it’s best if you share some common points with your partner. You don’t create a strong bond just after a few weeks of romance. It takes a lot longer. When I see my friends who are in a long term relationship, I can immediately spot this bond. I don’t see that in new couples. They’re generally lips locked with each other or too busy staring into each other’s eyes, but it’s not the same bond.

Yet, for some reasons, people hold on to their rationality. They’ve been hurt in the past and don’t want to get fooled again. But if we’re too cautious, this is how we can miss love when it comes back.

However, a little bit of carefulness is sometimes saving you from disastrous situations. Maybe in the case of my friend, his ex just trusted her intuition, that wasn’t good toward him. But not bad either, otherwise, she would have quit earlier.

I guess it was my friend’s hesitation. I also hates hesitation. Too much of it isn’t a good sign of a strong relationship. It’s normal at the beginning of a relationship to hesitate. After all, how to be sure you want to spend your life with him/her right away? But after months of relationship when you get to know each other better, if he/she still hesitates, then, it’s not good.

There are many dealbreakers in relationships. What is the most important one?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Good for you

Recently, one of my acquaintances left her husband of ten years to start a new relationship with her neighbour. They were lovers for almost two years until they decided to make their way through the light. She admitted she didn’t expect her “relationship” with him would turn out to be a great love story. When they met, they were just attracted by each other, and they started to have an affair without saying that much to each other. She was just drawn by him. She said he looked very good, and wondered if she would ever had a chance with him, as she saw many women going back and forth into his apartment, a real love cavern as she described it. Her dog was keeping on entering his room, and she apologized many times. Those words were the only one they exchanged. Until one day, she received a little word in her mailbox, asking her to join him at his office, really nearby.

There, the fire started. And she soon began to realize she couldn’t get enough of him. Physically speaking. She felt incredibly at ease with him, and had no inhibition.They had sex everywhere, anytime they met. When she had to leave for her holiday with her husband and kid, she invited him to join her in a hotel when she would come back, one month later.

They didn’t exchange a word during her days off. But on the D-day, he was there, waiting for her. And instead of spending the whole time in bed, they had the occasion to spend some time outside, in a park, then at the restaurant. And they talked. She realized they had a lot of common points with him, and fell in love with him from that day. She wasn’t expecting this at all. After all, relationships based solely on sex have a thin chance to last. But they managed to turn this affair into a real relationship.

This morning, I had a chat with a friend of mine, who didn’t understand why we could leave a marriage like that just for sex. His father was left for the gardener and he had around him several examples of this too.

When I think about it, sex can be a starter of a relationship. We don’t get along sexually speaking with everybody. From a woman’s point of view, it’s not that easy to get an orgasm. Generally, we’re more focused on giving pleasure to our partner rather than ours. On the long run, if this is permanent, it can be boring. And the first one who’s able to wake up our libido has a good chance to sweep us away. We have orgasms with the one we trust. And trust is an essential part of a relationship, as well as sex. For some people, this is not important. But they’d better share that with their partner.

Of course, I don’t say that we can all start a real relationship solely based on sex. But this is a good starting point, isn’t it?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

How do I get better?

…Once I had the best

Recently, one of my friends’ grand mother passed away. She survived her husband for twenty years, but never married again or even dated someone else. My friend explained she was just fascinated by her husband, that no other man could keep up the comparison with him. That’s why she stayed single.

Nobody’s perfect. We all have flaws. Yet, when it comes to relationship, we can find someone who’s perfect for us. Because his/her chaos resonates perfectly with ours. This collision doesn’t happen very often. In fact, I don’t think there are many people who can truly understand what we are. This is why it is called true love.

How do we recognize this? From my personal experience, I would say that you just know about it. I’m a really anxious person in real life. And very few people have the power to calm down my worries. Yet, the man I love has the ability to make me careless, fearless. I just feel incredibly in peace with him,  and want to be a better person. I can spend hours talking to him and listening to what he has to say.

I did ask myself: why him? Why no one else? And the answer is simple: no one else can stand the comparison with him.

It can happen, for a reason, we get separated from the one we truly love. And it can take some time before we realize he’s the one. “When it was over with M., I dated several men, but no one was as kind or as intelligent as M. I left him because I was too young at that time to realize he was the one. And I didn’t imagine at that time I would end up living with him and having children with him J., 33, said.

If your ex is still the one you compare all your partners, years after, then you should ask yourself why you shouldn’t run back to him/her. Of course, if he/she’s not interested anymore, this could be a good reason.

In this case, this only means he/she’s not really the one. And that you will find a better person, for sure, out there.

So, do you think it’s possible to get someone better?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

If you were the one who was spending the night

Intimacy. In every couple, this is the key of holding two people together. Yet, this is very tricky. Too much of it can kill the fragile equilibrium of a relationship. Not enough of it can cause the same effect.

Some people can be terrified by intimacy. When you think about it, it’s not that obvious to get intimated with someone you barely know. You basically let him/her know about your little habits you don’t necessarily want to share right away.

The first test of intimacy really comes when you decide to spend the night together. That’s why some people fear this moment like hell. A famous comedian in my country once said he never stayed in his lover’s place because he was scared of this level of intimacy.

It’s not particularly easy to wake up in the morning in a place that’s not yours, with a bad breath and hair very undisciplined. When you’re in a seduction mode, this is something you want to avoid.

Generally, when you refuse to stay for the night, this means you’re not ready to pursue the relationship. “I never stay over with a one-night stand. That’s a no-no. Just because I don’t want to see the guy afterwards. And usually, if I’m ready to start something with someone I really like, I try to avoid sleeping on the first night” I., 37, said.

For some people, it’s linked with their fear of commitment. “I had a boyfriend who never wanted to spend the night with me. And when we were at his place, he always asked me to leave after sex. He had always an excuse. Either he had to wake up early for work, or his parents would come and say hi in the morning, or he was just not feeling it yet. I tried to ask him why he didn’t want to spend the night with me, but he wouldn’t want to explain that. I decided to leave him because of that. He was clearly against committing in a relationship” T.,28, said.

For some people, this is not obvious. “P. never spent the night with me at the beginning of our relationship because he was hesitating a lot about our future. He was just separating from his wife, and wasn’t sure it would last with me. But after a long conversation with me, he just realized he couldn’t live with me, and decided to change his mind”O., 34, said.

I guess the key here is communication. Before we conclude too quickly that the guy isn’t worth it, maybe it is worth having a bit of conversation with him/her before. Unless he/she’s a real jerk…

So, does intimacy terrify you?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The background

…. The plans I make still have you in them

Once love hit on you, you feel transformed. And even years after you broke off with your lovers, the immediate sight of him/her can reignite this old feeling. This is called true love.

Recently, I went to a BBQ where two of my friends were constantly speaking with each other, remaining isolated from the rest of the group. They used to live together, and were about to get married, when a huge fight between them tore them apart. It started because he told her he was afraid to get married. And she got angry, and decided to leave him.

She has dated several men since then, but no one could stand the comparison with her ex. She did remain friend with him afterward, and they are still constantly talking to each other. Whenever she feels down, she calls him first, even before her best friend. When she feels alone and don’t want to sleep on her own, she goes to his place and spend the night with him. She swears she never slept with him during those sleepover, but we’re not convinced at all.

He has never replaced her either. Since they broke off, we never have seen him with another woman. He’s still in love with her, that’s what he told us.

I guess it’s just a matter of time until they get back together. They are burnt by their love.

She’s the one who hesitates in this puzzle. Maybe she’ll change her mind one day.

Maybe he will change his mind too.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Start me up

Do you remember when your relationship started? Although for some, this is a magical period, it’s also the trickiest part of the relationship. That’s why some women choose to be friends with their future partner before getting serious in the relationship.

But this is only a worry if you want to build something with the one you’re in love with. If you just want to have sex, well, that’s another story.  Even if sometimes, some great love affairs start with sex, precisely.

“When I met I. for the first time, I was immediately attracted  by him. He was really handsome and charismatic. We didn’t sleep immediately together, but after our first real date, we did. I didn’t want to wait the regular three dates before getting laid. I knew I took the risk of never see him again afterwards. But luckily for me, he did call after our first date. And from that day, we could get enough of each other. Even if at first, we were very surprised of each other’s personality. We had a lot of fights because of that. I guess these were adjustments” U., 37, recalls.

For some people,  sex just comes after long, long and long fights.

P. and I. didn’t sleep with each other for months, because we wanted to make sure we were right for each other before. But we ended up fighting and fighting at the beginning. Both of us have strong personalities, and we had some difficulties finding a harmony together at first. But we’re both stubborn, and we did love each other really deeply, so it was no way we would give up easily. And we had reason to stick to our promises” O.,32, explains.

For  a reason, this is called the lovers’ tiff. And it’s absolutely great, absolutely fine, if it’s combined with passion. Deeply intertwined.

So, do you remember when it started?

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