life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wedding, women

Committed


When Chelsea Clinton and Mark Mezvinsky got married this summer, it was said that they invited only people who knew personally either the bride or the groom. Among the personalities attending the wedding, only Ted Danson and Margaret Albright were counted, apart from Bill and Hillary. Still, there were 400 people attending. But as one of my friends say, they must have a big family. His wedding was also very crowded. Both his wife and he got large family, and without even counting their friends and co-workers, they reached over 300 guests.

Or maybe they have many many friends.

I was thinking about this event because a friend of mine attended recently a very posh wedding where most of the guests were celebrities. They were obviously invited by the groom’s parents, who know everyone in the who’s who guide of my country. When I asked my friend if he knew either the bride or the groom, he replied “not especially“. “I got invited because my parents work with his folks, and personally, I thought this wedding was more of a giant networking event than a wedding ceremony” he said.

The groom was only 24 year-old. This would explain that.

We don’t marry at 20 like we would marry at 30. Most of my friends who married at a young age told me they let decide a lot their parents in their guests list. “Back then, I only wanted to get married, but I had no clue about what I wanted for the wedding ceremony. And I also listened to my mom, who told me we should invite a lot of people they knew because it was like that, and they would be pissed if they weren’t invited. I remember telling to myself the D-Day: who the hell are those people?And there were way too many of them. If I could do this again, I would certainly limit the number of guests, and pick only my close friends and family” said F., who got married at 22.

When I married for the first time, I don’t know why, I wanted a big ceremony, with a lot of people. I didn’t care who would be present at my wedding, as long as there were loads of people. Seeing those people coming for my wedding had something thrilling about it. I didn’t think about it that much. All I knew back then was that I was in love and I wanted the whole world to know about it. I was young. For my second marriage, I didn’t want that anymore. We just had a ceremony with my close friends and family. That was it. And it was much more meaningful to me” J., 36, said. She got married again last year.

I got married at 32. And I went to a lot of wedding ceremonies I couldn’t stand. So, I only wanted something simple, with a few friends and family, in a nice place and nice atmosphere. This was what mattered the most. I had many problems in finding the place, the dress, the date, I can’t imagine how it would be if I had invited a lot of people” A., 35, said.

The first time you marry is also an important moment for your family. The second and other time you get married is on the other hand way less important. For some people, the first wedding isn’t even in their hands. Some told me they got married because they were told so. “We were dating since our first year in high school, and our parents thought it would be better if we would get married” L., 34, explained.

To be honest, I don’t know what it is to get married. I never got married. I only got proposed once, and returned the ring two days later. But if I ever get married, I know I wouldn’t want a big ceremony.

So, what would you want if you get married? And did you enjoy your wedding?

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3 thoughts on “Committed

  1. Yurena says:

    I am an atheist so no religious ceremony for me. I would wish for something very simple, my three best friends (Charlotte, Agnieszka and Yolanda), my mum and a small number of guests that Mr Right (whenever I meet him) would like to have in the wedding too.
    Being a foodie I would love to invite them all to a great meal, a cruelty-free one (no meat, no fish) that would include lots of dishes. And being an island girl definitely I would marry close to the sea!! and after food there would be a beach party till the early hours.
    (Btw stumbled upon the BruxElles blog this afternoon and it is proving really useful; I moved to the city three weeks ago and loved reading the restaurant reviews on the blog!)

  2. “Thank God for Affairs”
    Monday, Aug. 30th 2010 2:50 PM

    Let’s talk about “old-fashioned values.” My understanding of these “values” include couples remaining together until death-do-us–part. One of the difficulties that follow the “’til-death-do-us–part” philosophy is that by definition, it places commitment above “happiness” as a definite aim or mandate of the relationship. I am not saying that individuals who pledge permanent commitment do not also plan or want to be happy. However, under this definition of a successful marriage, there could be a litany of behaviors that a member of the union participates in that irritates or even endangers their partner’s wellbeing. Yet, as long as they remain married, and none of the other vows are violated, they are technically fulfilling their charge to one another.

    Those individuals – and there are many – who find themselves in unsatisfying or harmful marriages, often find themselves painted into a corner. Infidelity is one of the few ways that someone in a “’til-death-do-us-part” marriage can possibly escape an unhappy union. Some will ask, “If a spouse is unhappy enough to have an affair, then why not simply get a divorce?” The answer to this query is simple: many believe that their best option is to have an affair.

    Here are some examples that illuminate why engaging in an affair is sometimes easier than initiating a formal divorce:

    *
    A husband/wife who decides to “cheat” may feel that it would have been more of a headache to have sought a divorce altogether. Since s/he and spouse may have shared considerable history, a home, and/or children, s/he may conclude that there would be less upheaval and discomfort to simply have an alternate relationship, and continue with some sort of life with the spouse that maintains their day-to-day usual routines.
    *
    A husband/wife who decides to “cheat” may be comfortable with whatever the results are if his/her spouse finds out about the other interest.
    *
    A husband/wife who decides to “cheat” may want to force the spouse’s hand so that they do not have to take responsibility for the decision to end or stay in the marriage.

    I wish to emphasize that I am withholding judgment here. I am not labeling any of these perspectives as right or wrong, unjustified or justified. “Affairs” in our society are complex. When one partner has an affair, typically the other partner feels shamed, hurt, and victimized, sometimes to the point of life-long revenge. Also, partners who have affairs sometime engage in their affairs due to feelings of hurt, shame and guilt. They may have felt “trapped” in the marriage and “pushed” into the space that led to the affair. Either way, both parties are playing victim. Unfortunately, in our society, we can get a great deal of attention and a whole lot of sympathy when we play victim.

    Sometimes ending a relationship can seem nearly impossible. When one partner (sometimes both) makes it clear that he will not stand for, live with or deal with the other having an affair, he has revealed his “off” button. The other party then knows exactly what she would need to do in order to end the relationship. So, an ideal way for some to sever the cord is to have an affair. That way the former partner will want little to nothing to do with you. He won’t try to hang on, get counseling, nor extend the date of execution. This is passive aggression at its best.

    Other times, husbands and wives may be stuck in an unhealthy cycles of relationship (by their own admission). These couples get to a point where if one of them would just be given a great reason to jettison the relationship she would, but she might be unable or unwilling to “pull the trigger” herself. She may feel as though her relationship is strenuous and unfulfilling but she is going to keep going (’til-death-do-us-part). But as soon she gets wind of her partner having an affair, she is ready (and happy) to let the relationship go. Believe it or not she has what she wants, a relationship where she can say that she would have stayed in the relationship for life…had he not “cheated” or after one of their deaths to be able to say “we stayed together for a lifetime.” Believe it or not, this proclamation is very valuable to some people. In fact, some believe that it is more valuable than their happiness when they are alive.

    I saw an example of this played out on Dr. Phil. A mother of a daughter who had (shamefully, in the mother’s opinion) opted for divorce (rather than having an affair or staying in an unhappy relationship) confessed that she herself would still be struggling in an unhappy relationship if her husband had not had an affair. Though she admitted the relationship was good because of her children, it took the affair to precipitate the end of the unhappy agreement. “Thank God for affairs,” I said to myself before running off to my meeting and leaving Dr. Phil to sort it all out. Imagine the resulting unhappiness for all concerned, including the children, had the husband not provided the fodder which led to the marriage ending by having an affair. Admittedly, my thought was more supportive of their happiness than what I assumed to be their agreement.

    While having an affair is one way to end some relationships, there are other, more direct, and healthy ways to do so.

    Instead of adhering to beliefs and a system that says that we must be 100% in or out of “’til-death-do-us-part” relationships, what would happen if we created interim check points where we re-assess whether our relationship is working or not? Let’s say every five years, from a place of separation, we determine whether we stay together or not for another five years. If one person is not willing to move forward in the relationship, then it ends. Everyone gets to start anew. It allows the parties to choose to come together again. Obligation and guilt are minimized. Keep in mind, it takes an agreement between two people to begin a relationship, and only the desire of one to end it.

    Another suggestion is that we take a genuine look at our relationship, every day, and ask two questions:

    1.
    Do I enjoy most of the time that I spend with my mate?
    2.
    Do I believe that I spend enough time with my mate?

    If the answer to either of these questions is “no,” then you may seize the opportunity to re-determine the constitution of your relationship. Should you choose to, your reconstitution may begin with “personal-work” where you make efforts to resolve the feelings of lack. If that does not work you may move to discussions and implementing solutions with your partner. Then finally, if the previous steps did not do the job, adjust the spacing between the two of you. I will revisit this issue later.

    By the way, don’t take my word for the complexities and layers that plague relationships. Ask around. Through foresight or hindsight, and for better or worse, I assure you, somewhere there is an ex-wife and/or ex-husband saying “Thank God for affairs!”

    Keep Rising,

    Frank Love

    http://www.FrankLove.net

  3. Ellis I. Lee says:

    there are friends and family friends…

    because of our families, a lot of people attended our wedding but we had several different functions where only our friends were involved. some of these were based on western traditions (engagement dinner, bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, etc) and some were based on korean customs and traditions (hahm).

    the private functions were always much more intimate and personal than the actual wedding, and we tried our best to make sure our friends knew just how important they were to us.

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